Boundaries with other parents?

[confustication]

I took my kids to our local Easter egg hunt this morning, and while my husband was off with the 8 year old and her group, I took my 20 month old to the little toddler area. My 6 month old was on my back in an ssc.

Now, the morning was cool-ish, but not cold, and my older son had already stripped off his coat. Younger son was on my back, and happy as a clam- not wearing a jacket, but quite toasty.

This mama I've only seen occasionally in passing told me they were cold and after I assured her that they were perfectly content, went to her vehicle, got a hat and put it on my youngest (in the carrier) then wrapped a blanket around him then tried to put a brown and pink flowered coat on my 20 month old (hearing impaired, and very shy- he doesn't take to strangers quickly to begin with. She did all this despite my constant requests for her to stop.

I didn't want to make a scene with all the kids and people there for a fun event, so I wasn't as forceful as I would have liked to be, but I was definitely clear- so much so that I could tell people around me were uncomfortable. Should I have not said anything so that people weren't uncomfortable? I was really feeling that this mama was overstepping her bounds. Should I have smiled and thanked her since she meant to be helpful? What I wanted to do was to scream at her to keep her hands off my kids and I, but I managed not to do that.

[MamaKickyPants]

Wow, that other mama was way out of line! I would have been so mad. I would have intervened physically- ie, picked my kid up, removed the jacket, given it back to her and moved away from her. I would have used a pretty strong tone of voice, not yelling, but leaving no room to misunderstand me! It can be so hard to know how to respond in the moment, though - we are so programmed to avoid conflict. mama

[Drummer's Wife]

I wonder what her deal was? She must have social boundary issues, or maybe lack a bit of common sense? I don't mean to be so harsh about someone I don't know, but it just seems like even an over-concerned individual would get the hint after you made it clear your LO was fine. I think your response was okay; I would have just chalked it up to the lady not being all there, or something. Sorry she was overstepping and annoying.

[Latte Mama]

Whaaattt? I would have no problem telling her to please keep her hands off my child, TYVM. She definitely has some serious boundary issues.

[Purple*Lotus]

Wow! My only thought is is that the next time she might not be up against someone as nice as you are! She has no right to touch your children, IMO. I am sorry that happened to you

[mamazee]

Wow. I would have phyiscally intervened. And maybe said something nasty, but I'm a bit shy of confrontation, and I hate making a scene. Though it wasn't you making the scene, it was her. But still, just wow.

[Tizzy]

I would stick up for my kids. We have the philosophy that if they are cold, they'll put their coats on, if they're comfortable they'll leave them off. It bugs me to no end when people make a big deal out of how many layers are on my kids.

Similarly, I have a friend who frequently butts in. I've limited my time with her to be spent when my kids aren't around, otherwise it's really irritating.

One example was last summer we were in my driveway talking when my older son went over and stood under the eavestrough. It was a warm afternoon, it was lightly raining, he was having fun, and I could clearly see what he was doing. If *I* had a problem with it, I would have redirected him myself. But she took it upon herself to go over and tell my child not to do that because he'd get cold and he shouldn't get water in his ears.

He looked so confused because he knows he's allowed to do this! So I stood up for him and told her "Actually, it's just water and I don't mind if he gets wet but thanks for looking out for him."

Another time she reprimanded my son for climbing to the top of a pile of gravel. They were in play clothes, I cannot see the imminent danger AND I was standing right there watching him do this once again, I had to tell her that no, it was perfectly fine and he wasn't being reckless.

[missythemom3]

Wow! It boggles my mind that some people think they can overstep and it is ok. I think you handled it as best you could have.When you said she put a hat from her car on your child I cringed because all I could think of was head lice.Not saying it is really something to worry about but you never know. Anyway she was way out of line and I might be inclined to think she has some issues of her own as far as knowing what boundaries are in place.

[mamadelbosque]

Yeah, it drives me nuts when people do these sorts of things too. If it'd been me, and somebody was trying to put clothes/blankets after I'd nicely told them not to, I'd take them off my child/ren and throw them in their face and say "Thanks, but I said we're fine." But, thats me. I'm just most unappreciative of nosey busy-bodies who think they know better'n me.

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by confustication

What I wanted to do was to scream at her to keep her hands off my kids and I, but I managed not to do that.

I would have done it. Nobody, but nobody, is going to touch my kid after I tell them not to if I can prevent it.

[honey-lilac]

I've had lots of "helping hands" with my kids - maybe I give off incompetent vibes? I get a-n-g-r-y and since I suck at confronation, I just stew quietly and/or leave as soon as I can. I like helpful people, I try to be one myself as well, but when someone says no, thank you, we're fine - I BELIEVE THEM! I could go into scenarios of things that happened to us but I'm upset just thinking about them, don't want to actually type them out too. Similar situations to yours, OP.

[claddaghmom]

That is really weird and I would have grabbed up my kid and tossed the clothes on the ground. I don't know that I would have said anything, but my immediate physical reaction would be instinctual. It creeps me out a bit just reading it....so many issues tied up in what she did...control...invading your child's body/space, ignoring your authority...weiiiird.

My little brother in law was freezin' his behind off (he's 3yo) b/c we went to a pumpkin patch for Halloween and it got unusually cold that day. I offered him an old sweatshirt of his brother's (my DH) in the back of my car and asked my MIL if she would like me to get it.

Just putting it out there so you can see the difference....

[JennTheMomma]

No, you are in the right, she is in the wrong. I would have said "excuse me ma'am but I do not want you to put hats and coats on my children. They are not cold and you are crossing a line with our family. I appreciate your offer, but you don't have the right to be putting anything on my children. Please take your hats and coats off my children, thanks".

[ChristyMarie]

Originally Posted by MamaKickyPants

Wow, that other mama was way out of line! I would have been so mad. I would have intervened physically- ie, picked my kid up, removed the jacket, given it back to her and moved away from her. I would have used a pretty strong tone of voice, not yelling, but leaving no room to misunderstand me! It can be so hard to know how to respond in the moment, though - we are so programmed to avoid conflict. mama

This. I mean, you do NOT touch my child much less put clothing on them after I've said no.

And um, yeah to the lice thing. ICK ICK ICK!

My son is always hot. Thank goodness I've never had anyone do this. Yet.

[lifeguard]

I constantly have people (primarily mil) telling me that ds is cold but wow - I've never had anyone overstep the bounds that far! I really don't know what I would do 'cause I'm terrible at confrontation - sorry you had to deal with this.

[Ola_]

Originally Posted by confustication

I didn't want to make a scene with all the kids and people there for a fun event, so I wasn't as forceful as I would have liked to be, but I was definitely clear- so much so that I could tell people around me were uncomfortable. Should I have not said anything so that people weren't uncomfortable?

Just wanted to comment on this point. I don't think the people there were uncomfortable because of you, but rather because the other mama was overstepping.

Personally I would have probably removed the items she put on, handed them back to her, and moved away as a PP said. Hopefully that would have gotten the point across to her, although who knows given the way she acted.

[One_Girl]

I don't ever have my dd out without weather appropriate clothing close at hand, and I tend to think that it is neglectful if parents don't dress their kids warmly in winter (or at least keep stuff at hand to let them dress themselves when they really do get cold, but it is spring and if the temperature wasn't freezing or close to it then there was no reason for her to even offer a coat much less put it on your kid. I can't imagine clothing someone else's child when they turned down the offer of a coat even if it is winter. She must have some issues.

[BarnMomma]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

I don't ever have my dd out without weather appropriate clothing close at hand, and I tend to think that it is neglectful if parents don't dress their kids warmly in winter (or at least keep stuff at hand to let them dress themselves when they really do get cold, but it is spring and if the temperature wasn't freezing or close to it then there was no reason for her to even offer a coat much less put it on your kid. I can't imagine clothing someone else's child when they turned down the offer of a coat even if it is winter. She must have some issues.

When DS was little he hated coats. So I had to dress him in layers on a cotton onesie, a head to toe merino wool one pice, and socks, sweaters, pants. He stayed toasty warm. To others, he looked like he was outside without a coat and boy did we get comments. Also, some kids spend a ton of time outside and get used to the cold weather. I notice I have to bundle up my son a lot more during the start of the seaon than I do come February when he's used to the cold.

[ShadowMoon]

How weird! I don't mind comments, even if it's none of that person's business, but I would not be cool with someone touching or putting clothing on my boy.

You were much more calm than I would have been. She definitely has major boundary issues.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Um, does she have some sort of "issue" that would cause her to not read your very specific body languegue and social (Or at this point, anti) social ques? I am asking in all honesty, because for her to continue to do something when you asked her repeatedly not to seems very strange. Like outside the realm of "normal" strange.