So, let me preface this by saying that as far as legal standing goes, I am pro-choice but for my own morality, I am pretty much pro-life. I have had one therapeutic termination in my past and it was awful.
So STBX is moving out. Very soon. I don't want to get into details, but there is no way to reconcile right now, if ever. He is leaving.
I just found out that I am pregnant.
If I was "normal" pregnant, that would be one thing. But I get severely ill during pregnancy, from the very start onwards - hospital visits, bedrest, total incapacitation. Seizures. With my first pregnancy and with DS, I nearly died. With DD, I had medication (that I no longer have access to, insurance-wise) that made it less-than life-threatening but still incapacitating. I don't have any friends or family who could come over, and I certainly don't have money to hire help. No church group to ask for help, etc. I have two very active toddlers who need mama. I'm sure there are social services that could help, but that's not really the road I want to be going down, iykwim.
STBX will not be able to pay child support, or if he does, certainly at no time in the near future. He has been unemployed since 2005 and gets a small disability check that he lives on; after our divorce those funds will be further cut to basically include his living expenses and that's it. So, no money is coming from his way, and due to his... tempermental instabilities, he will also not have custody (at least, that's the plan).
I work from home here and there, I take master's classes online, and I just basically finished my doula training and was about to start taking on clients now that my toddlers are old enough. If I am now pregnant, I will have to quit my work-at-home stuff, stop my school program, and I won't be able to work through pregnancy, and then with the way doula work is probably not for the first year or two of the babe's life. So, two or three years of not being able to work. Not having child support (maybe, I mean hopefully I will but I'm not counting on it).
I can either terminate this pregnancy (which is really, the only LOGICAL choice) and be a great mommy to my two babies who really need to heal (and so do I) and work and finish my grad program and do all that. Heal. Or, I can be very, very ill, a crappy mommy (a mommy on bedrest and unable to tolerate noise/light/smells/movement etc. is not a fun mommy), and then have another baby on my hands. I mean, I'm sure I could make it work... somehow... I mean SOMEHOW I could. Go on welfare, try not to die, things like that. Struggle and make this divorce even harder and do God only knows what kind of damage to my kids (one of whom has special needs already). My head is telling me to end the pregnancy (it is still way, way early, so early that the clinic couldn't even schedule the pill yet until the end of next week.) My heart is telling me that I don't want another termination. The last one, though medically necessary, still left me feeling very sad.
Sorry for the essay, I just don't know what to do and didn't know where else to post.
So STBX is moving out. Very soon. I don't want to get into details, but there is no way to reconcile right now, if ever. He is leaving.
I just found out that I am pregnant.
If I was "normal" pregnant, that would be one thing. But I get severely ill during pregnancy, from the very start onwards - hospital visits, bedrest, total incapacitation. Seizures. With my first pregnancy and with DS, I nearly died. With DD, I had medication (that I no longer have access to, insurance-wise) that made it less-than life-threatening but still incapacitating. I don't have any friends or family who could come over, and I certainly don't have money to hire help. No church group to ask for help, etc. I have two very active toddlers who need mama. I'm sure there are social services that could help, but that's not really the road I want to be going down, iykwim.
STBX will not be able to pay child support, or if he does, certainly at no time in the near future. He has been unemployed since 2005 and gets a small disability check that he lives on; after our divorce those funds will be further cut to basically include his living expenses and that's it. So, no money is coming from his way, and due to his... tempermental instabilities, he will also not have custody (at least, that's the plan).
I work from home here and there, I take master's classes online, and I just basically finished my doula training and was about to start taking on clients now that my toddlers are old enough. If I am now pregnant, I will have to quit my work-at-home stuff, stop my school program, and I won't be able to work through pregnancy, and then with the way doula work is probably not for the first year or two of the babe's life. So, two or three years of not being able to work. Not having child support (maybe, I mean hopefully I will but I'm not counting on it).
I can either terminate this pregnancy (which is really, the only LOGICAL choice) and be a great mommy to my two babies who really need to heal (and so do I) and work and finish my grad program and do all that. Heal. Or, I can be very, very ill, a crappy mommy (a mommy on bedrest and unable to tolerate noise/light/smells/movement etc. is not a fun mommy), and then have another baby on my hands. I mean, I'm sure I could make it work... somehow... I mean SOMEHOW I could. Go on welfare, try not to die, things like that. Struggle and make this divorce even harder and do God only knows what kind of damage to my kids (one of whom has special needs already). My head is telling me to end the pregnancy (it is still way, way early, so early that the clinic couldn't even schedule the pill yet until the end of next week.) My heart is telling me that I don't want another termination. The last one, though medically necessary, still left me feeling very sad.
Sorry for the essay, I just don't know what to do and didn't know where else to post.