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Horrible, awful, terrible dilemma. - Page 2

post #21 of 42
Just a big warm hug from here. How horrible of ex to put you in this situation It sounds to me like you already know what you have to do and it is just a really really hard thing to do. We all do the best with what we have. So give yourself a big big hug and allow yourself to feel grief if you choose to terminate. I can't tell you what is right for you - only you know that. But I am pretty certain that if I were in your situation I would terminate. I would grieve and probably feel horrible and guilty about it. But I would do it. And I believe I would know it were for the best.
post #22 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
From your post, it seems like already know which choice would be best for your health the children you already have, your job, education, and your future. I am so sorry you are in this situation and facing that choice. Hang in there.
post #23 of 42
Based on the description of your medical problems and the health risk you would be taking by carrying this baby to term, I would say that, if I were in your shoes, I would terminate the pregnancy. If there is even the slightest possibility that you could die while carrying this baby...then that is cause for termination, no doubt about it in my mind. This is coming from a mama who had an abortion 10 years ago that changed me in such a profound way. I have never regretted anything in my life like I do the decision to terminate that pregnancy. If I knew then what I know now, I would never have done it. But in your situation where not only your life, but the life of your unborn child and also your living children are all at stake...because what would happen to them should you become incapacitated?? Nope, not worth it at all. I'm so sorry you are facing this. May you find strength to help you cope with what ever road you choose to take.
post #24 of 42
I am so, so sorry you are going through this.

If I were in your shoes, (and I can't even begin to pretend that I am), I would terminate this pregnancy and try to get some counseling to work through it, if needed.

I can only pull from my own experiences and values, (I'm pro-choice and have had an elective abortion which, at the time, was the right thing to do for myself).

I wish you peace overall, as well as the peace of mind to do some soul-searching. I would be less likely to suggest the above outcome if you had more of a support group, (friends and family), that could help you through the medical hell you described. And that could be there for your children if you did not make it through.

Again, I am so very sorry. I'll be thinking of you~
post #25 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eaglevoice View Post
If there is even the slightest possibility that you could die while carrying this baby...then that is cause for termination, no doubt about it in my mind.
Yep. And I'm pro life.

So sorry for your situation.
post #26 of 42
I was thinking farther on this, so I came back to say more. If you need spiritual guidance that will discuss both options with you openly, call a Unitarian Universalist church and talk with the minister. They may help you to think through the spiritual side.

To me, it doesn't really sound like you have much of a choice, but you should explore all of the options and talk with someone. Write down all of these reasons so that you can look back on what's going on now. Sometimes our minds get foggy and we forget the intensity of the situation.

Like I said, I don't know if my decision was the right one for me and my family, but I know that I did what I did out of love and responsibility. For that reason, I can live with my decision, even if it's hard some days.

My thoughts are still with you.
post #27 of 42
Thread Starter 
Thank you for the continued responses. I've been pretty much set on the "gotta do what you gotta do" track but then this morning I half-accidentally wandered into the due date club and I browsed and everyone is SO excited about their BFP's and I'm just so sad and... I think one PP used the word wistful. I'm wistful, I have tons of crates of baby clothes and baby toys that I saved and just, I wanted another baby. I did. But it just does not, it really does not seem possible right now.

The most important thing is to get my independence for my sake and the kids' and if H/STBX does not leave (as I whine about in my other thread) then that's harder to do if I'm confined to bed. If I have to *fight* to get away from him, I need strength. If I wait another nine months plus however many after for the fourth trimester and beyond, I'm afraid I will never get up the courage to leave this situation. And I know that for my kids' sake... I have to give them a shot at a healthy living environment, and I *can't* do that married to this man.
post #28 of 42
Just wanted to add a
post #29 of 42
Honey, hugs to you. Do what is best for you and you little ones.
post #30 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by honey-lilac View Post
Thank you for the continued responses. I've been pretty much set on the "gotta do what you gotta do" track but then this morning I half-accidentally wandered into the due date club and I browsed and everyone is SO excited about their BFP's and I'm just so sad and... I think one PP used the word wistful. I'm wistful, I have tons of crates of baby clothes and baby toys that I saved and just, I wanted another baby. I did. But it just does not, it really does not seem possible right now.

The most important thing is to get my independence for my sake and the kids' and if H/STBX does not leave (as I whine about in my other thread) then that's harder to do if I'm confined to bed. If I have to *fight* to get away from him, I need strength. If I wait another nine months plus however many after for the fourth trimester and beyond, I'm afraid I will never get up the courage to leave this situation. And I know that for my kids' sake... I have to give them a shot at a healthy living environment, and I *can't* do that married to this man.


I felt the same when when I was unexpectedly pregnant and trying to figure out how to leave my abusive partner. I didn't discuss it on MDC because there were momma's in my old DDC that were excitedly pregnant again. I think the little soul that came to me when I was leaving DD's father wanted things to work out exactly the way they did. This little angel knew I needed a kick in the pants to actually make the move, and I knew that if I had the abortion, I would without a doubt leave my partner. I would never be able to forgive him or myself if I stayed. In my case I communicated with the little soul and said I loved him, but I couldn't let him stay right now. I offered gratitude that he chose me as his mother and prayed for his understanding of why I made the choice I did.

My doctor was very understanding and compassionate. They even let me take home the products of conception which I later cared for in a personal ceremonial fashion. It was painful, but it also felt personal, like I was honoring this little person, he wasn't going to end up in some medical waste bin. People who die have ceremonies and loved ones recognize their passing. I didn't feel like I could not do that in this case.

And it is important that you recognize that if you choose to go forward with this pregnancy that you would be subjecting yourself and your 2 DC to this abuse, as well as this 3rd little person as well since it would just make you more dependent upon your abuser.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. It's a tough, horrible spot to be in. But there is life and happiness after too. Giving yourself and your 2 now DC a shot at a healthy life is a great gift that maybe this little one is encouraging you to make the move on now.
post #31 of 42
post #32 of 42
post #33 of 42
I saw this in new posts - I'm not a single parent but I hope it's okay for me to come in and offer my support. Huge hugs.
post #34 of 42
Just another I hope you're doing ok today and that you're safe.
post #35 of 42
wow. just. . . . . wow. I am so sorry. I know this would break my heart. I am pro-choice as well but for myself personally I could never be anything but pro-life. And to be honest, I think this would just break my heart to make this decision. But I think you've already made it. I think you are mostly looking for someone to say it's okay. Yes? I do know that we don't know each other but I personally wouldn't judge you. I think you've already made the logical choice that you know will work for you. And I don't know what I would do in that situation but I know that your reasons sound logical and right even if they are still heartbreaking. I wish you peace in whatever you choose. We are never given more than we can handle. I know you can do this, whichever road you take. I just couldn't read and not respond.
post #36 of 42
Thread Starter 
So today I went to the clinic. They sent me home without an abortion because they said I was "too conflicted". They told me to come back in a week. Right, because in a week I won't be conflicted anymore.

post #37 of 42
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post #38 of 42
post #39 of 42
Well, if you are conflicted then you really are going to have to fully come to terms with what you truly want and need. Resentment and trauma from an abortion can physically and emotionally lead to more issues. Do you have a therapist or a good friend that you can sit down with and really come to terms with what you need to do? I know for me my pregnancy was really traumatic for me but i couldn't bring myself to abort. I found a really amazing midwife who had also been left while pregnant and she gave me so much strong support throughout my entire pregnancy/labor/postpartum that it got me through it all in good shape. Building a group of strong women was the one way that i got empowered in my decision to keep the baby and be a single parent. So perhaps you have a strong soul in your life that can help you with making the decision you need to make so that you can be empowered in whatever choice you do make.
post #40 of 42



i'm sorry.
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