Freedom: how much and when?

[Kindermama]

I don't really know how to title this post. Here's the scoop: my oldest child is turning 11 this month. She's lived a fairly sheltered life, partially because we limit all media to a random movie once in a while, she goes to a waldorf school, and also because of the times we live in. My daughter is asking for more freedom. Sometimes I feel like I'm too overprotective but other times, I feel like I'm following my intuition and I don't feel she is street-smart enough. I'm worried that I'm not preparing her for it either. I feel so ridiculous putting this out there. I was running around totally free at 9yo in the woods, all around town, at the candy store, at the park, at the pizza parlor etc. Maybe my perspective is clouded by my own experiences of avoiding 2 situations where I was about to be sexual abused ( at age 9 and 11).

It's so different today. There are no kids anywhere anymore...even my dd's age. They don't ride bikes, they don't walk anywhere....everything is scheduled. I want my dd to be able to ride her bike around the neighborhood but I'd prefer she ride with a friend and even then, I get those crazy fearful thoughts of what if something happens to her. I want her to be able to walk to the store or park...with a friend...but there are no free-ranging kids around here. They all have scheduled lives. We are moving to an area where there are more kids biking and walking everywhere...but until then?

I'm rambling...anyone have any insight? How can I prepare my kids for the real world, today's world?

[sanguine_speed]

It does sound like your daughter is quite sheltered.

It sounds like you've identified that your perception that there are "no kids anywhere anymore" is based on your particular circumstances because you've also said you'll be moving to an area where there are "more kids biking and walking everywhere."
But you also seem to have some impression about "the times we live in." What do you mean by this? It is incorrect that children are more in danger walking to the store alone than they were before.


When are you moving?

I think it would be very appropriate to allow your daughter some of the freedom she is asking for. Maybe you could offer some small concessions. Is there a variety store nearby? Could she go there to buy a candy bar alone?

Perhaps to ease your mind you could talk to her about trusting her intuition, and what to do if she feels she is in danger.

[pbjmama]

How about staring with small things? You sit in the car while she goes into the store for a gallon of milk. You go to the mall together and agree to meet up at the food court in 1 hour. Things like that let her test her freedom and give you reassurance. You can also talk through things like what do you certain hypothetical situations.

Is there a certain freedom she is asking about?

I think you can teach your child street smarts, how to follow her instincts, etc. Better to learn now than when she is 18-21

[Linda on the move]

start small, and get her a cell phone.

I feel much better when my DD and her BFF ride off on their bikes knowing they can call me if they need to or that I can call them if they seem to gone for too long.

Since everything where you live is scheduled but you want her to explore with a friend, set up a time for exploration with a friend.

I also go along on things but stay away from the kids and semi out of sight. For example, I won't drop my DD (age 11) at the rolling skating rink, but I'll hang out in the snack bar and read a book.

[Kindermama]

these are great ideas, thank you!

Sanguine: yeah, I'm a bit confused about this whole freedom thing. It was never a question when I was younger but I do notice (as do other parents I have talked to about this) that kids aren't as free as they used to be to roam their neighborhoods. Maybe kids are just too busy to play outside :

[iamme]

Originally Posted by Kindermama

these are great ideas, thank you!

Sanguine: yeah, I'm a bit confused about this whole freedom thing. It was never a question when I was younger but I do notice (as do other parents I have talked to about this) that kids aren't as free as they used to be to roam their neighborhoods. Maybe kids are just too busy to play outside :

I agree about this. I also hear older parents and grandparents comment on how there are no more dc playing outside anymore. So much of a modern day's dc is scheduled or they are inside in front of a screen.

Anyway, I have huge issues leftover from s*xual trauma I experienced in childhood and teen years. My experience and memories very much cloud the lense I see through. I read a book that I think helped me (albeit a hard book to read!) called Keeping Children Safe by Gavin de Becker (I *think* that is the title.) My s*xual traumas happened from friends and total stranger, so I am the exception of it usually happening w/i a family.

This is what we did. At about age 9 she was able to ride bikes around our block with her friend.When dd turned 11 we let her walk to the library(through residential streets-and the librarians know her) WITH a friend. She would run inside stores or cafes to shop for me as I wait in the car, or outside on my bike. When she turned 12 we let her go to the pool with a friend in the summer and to the closest parks. ALWAYS witha friend. Now that she is 13, she rides her bike to babysitting jobs that are in the neighborhood.

I still don't allow her to walk to the store as the store isn't too far from an adult book store-my baggage-but still something I can't get past.

She's had a cell phone since she was 11.5.

My ds is almost 9, and he is now able to ride bikes around the block with one of his buddies.

[Kindermama]

Iamme: I'm glad I'm not alone and thank you for sharing what you have done to give your dd freedom!! :

[wemoon]

I'm pretty allowing with my kids ages 8 and 10 to roam. They have been doing so for at least 2 years now. We started with crossing the street to go to the park, moved up to going down the road a ways to the school park. I started leaving them home alone at that time too, just for a quick run to the store or while I went for a run/bike ride. We gradually moved up to more and more time home alone. Now I can fully trust my kids to be home most of the day, while I am at work. I think the key is gradual and get an extra cell phone. The cell phone we have goes with the kids if they are going further than a block away or if they are going over to someone's house. I honestly do not think twice when I come home from work and the kids are not around. I know I can call them if I am worried.

[*bejeweled*]