Can I keep my kids in private school?

[darien]

I'm in a situation that could be discussed in various forums, but it's a financial matter at heart, and I've always gotten good advice in F&F before.

Last year, I decided I needed to leave my marriage. I got a low-paying but otherwise great teaching job at a local private, and enrolled my formerly-homeschooling kids. My stbx sort of watched this all happen without comment or involvement. Before I enrolled the dc, I asked stbx if he had any objection to them going to said school, and he said he didn't.

So, the dc and I are happy with the school. But, there's a big problem. Stbx and I separated a month ago. He wants to file for divorce early, on a sort of "technicality." I will be losing my health insurance several months earlier than expected. As a benefit at my job, I can have either health insurance or a tuition reduction for my kids. Last year, I took the reduction-- it's a good one-- about 75%!

I asked a Legal Aid lawyer for advice. She said to take the health insurance. I said, "But stbx and I could never afford the tuition, then-- and he's trying to get away with not paying his share of the tuition even with the reduction!" She said, "Well, you can't make him pay tuition."

Even with the reduction, I can't swing the tuition by myself. I'm not anti-public school, or anything, but their current school is much better than our local elementary and much more convenient.

Our local high school is terrible academically and safety-wise. My older son, who will be starting high school, is currently being assessed to see if he's on the Autism Spectrum. He has enough trouble dealing with the practically-ideal school he's in; there's no way he can go to our local public. The lawyer said that if the assessment finds a label-worthy special need, then a judge might order stbx to help pay for private school for him.

I can't move, because I just signed a year lease. The deadlines for entry to magnet programs and the like are past. I'm considering homeschooling my older son next year, but he'd have to spend a lot of time at home by himself-- not very fun, and lonely, too.

I'm at work 7:30 to at least 4:30 every weekday. Oh, and I can't get a better job-- the market is terrible, and I'm not certified, anyway.

Advice, please?

[Sharon, RN]

Can it be ordered that stbx keeps the children on his health insurance? That will suck for you (obviously), but would keep them covered.

I don't know what to suggest to keep you covered. :-( I'm sure smarter mamas will have some advice for you.

[karne]

If health ins. via your stbx isn't an option, this is sort of a no-brainer. You NEED health insurance, you WANT private school. One hospitilization without health insurance could wipe you out.

[EFmom]

I'd take the health insurance, hands down.

[goldingoddess]

Wait until you find out how much CS STBX will be paying. Also is it possible you will qualify for medicaid once you are divorced?

[darien]

Originally Posted by karne

If health ins. via your stbx isn't an option, this is sort of a no-brainer. You NEED health insurance, you WANT private school. One hospitilization without health insurance could wipe you out.

I know this academically, but I can't wrap my mind around it. I could be hospitalized, but my dc will be in a sub-par (and for my older ds, possibly harmful) school every day. I've lived without health insurance before, but the older I get, the worse the odds are, right?

At this point, even with insurance, one hospitalization could wipe me out.

I make a bit too much for Medicaid. Stbx will keep the dc on his insurance, though (at least he says that). Whatever he pays in cs will not be enough-- even if he paid to the limit of his ability, it won't be enough to pay for full tuition. It would be a stretch for him to pay his share of the reduced tuition, and he's trying to get out of paying the "standard" amount of cs (tuition would be above and beyond cs)!

To make matters worse, enrollment papers are due this coming week, so I really need to decide soon.

[laura163]

Have you looked online for a private plan for just you? They have high deductible/low premium plans that are reasonable. They don't actually cover much of anything, but it can be a good safety net.

My sister with allergies, age 27 pays $120 a month for something she got online. There may be something cheaper out there for you!

Good luck!


I would probably gamble with myself on insurance, but not the kids. Your kids are lucky to be covered by their dad.

[Hannah32]

Private school is a luxury; health insurance is a necessity and can even be a matter of life and death.

[mamabutterfly]

I don't think I agree. I understand having ths kids in a school you and they like, and keeping a job you like at the school, with tuition reduction. That situation does sound good. If the kids can stay on his insurance, for me personally hat would be okay. I haven't had health insurance personally for most of my adult life. Hopefully you could work something else out by next year, but like you say it is late to make other plans for school next year (not too late to make plans to homeschool again, but you don't sound like you are enthusiastic about that or that you want to/can give up your job).

If you don't feel like you can go without the insurance until you find a new job or find afforadable insurance, can you separate but don't divorce yet, would you stay on his insurance? I don't know the state of your relationship, but are you on decent terms w/stbx? Could a counselor or mediator help you come to an agreement that keep everybody insured for a little longer?

Good luck, that sounds really hard. I just wanted to say that I understand why you don't necessarily want to take your kids from a good school situation. It's not always only about the dollars and cents.

[AndrewsMother]

:

I agree with the poster who suggested securing your own policy. A hospital only plan is inexpensive.

Could you take on extra tasks at the school to make up the difference in tuition, maybe cleaning or working in the after school program?

I understand completely. I would do almost anything to keep my child in a positive school environment. Private school is not a luxury, just another academic option.

[phathui5]

Does your state have a children's health insurance program that would cover the kids? Here in NY we have one and you can make a good deal of money (way more than a teacher) and still use the program.

[4evermom]

I'm guessing the money from the tuition reduction is a lot more than the cost of getting a personal insurance policy for yourself. So I'd look really hard for low cost health insurance to see if I could make that work before giving up tuition.

[karne]

Originally Posted by darien

I know this academically, but I can't wrap my mind around it. I could be hospitalized, but my dc will be in a sub-par (and for my older ds, possibly harmful) school every day. I've lived without health insurance before, but the older I get, the worse the odds are, right?

At this point, even with insurance, one hospitalization could wipe me out.

I make a bit too much for Medicaid. Stbx will keep the dc on his insurance, though (at least he says that). Whatever he pays in cs will not be enough-- even if he paid to the limit of his ability, it won't be enough to pay for full tuition. It would be a stretch for him to pay his share of the reduced tuition, and he's trying to get out of paying the "standard" amount of cs (tuition would be above and beyond cs)!

To make matters worse, enrollment papers are due this coming week, so I really need to decide soon.

Health ins., in my mind, is vitally important for you. You are the primary caretaker of your children. If you have a need for serious medical care, hospitalization, testing, treatment, etc., and the bills wipe you out, what will you do? The private school won't be much of a help in that situation. I think part of being a parent is being responsible for things like health ins., and being able to recognize what is a need versus a want.

It sounds like you want something for your kids that's not financially feasible right now, as unfair as it seems to feel. It stinks that you have the potential for a great private school, but it's out of your reach. I don't think you're alone in this-many folks are forgoing private educations when the economics don't allow for it. It doesn't mean it has to be forever-maybe you and your stbx will come to a different agreement at some point, or the school offers something more substantial to allow your kids to be there...I'm just thinking of some way that may allow for the door not to be closed for the future.

Private school isn't just another educational option...it is a luxury, and if the money isn't there, it's not there. Basic needs have to be met first.

[zebra15]

No you can not afford this school and since you are not certified there is no gurantee the school will continue to renew your contract. So you could have your kids enrolled but you may not have a teaching contract. I would def. make sure everyone has health insurance. Also just because a court orders something, that does not mean STBX is going to be timely in his payments (of cs or tuition)

[GuildJenn]

It really sounds like you can't afford tuition either way in any case, unless you are sure your ex will pay part of the 25%.

So here is what I would do.

First I'd find out if the private school would consider a scholarship or if there's other FA available, especially for your oldest. If there isn't, I'd ask about readmission policies if you try a year off.

Second, I'd go and visit the local school and start talking to them about the steps to get accommodations for your oldest, etc. It may well not be the best school, but sometimes great things happen in schools that are not rated the best, etc. If you are going on what you've heard, particularly since you've been hanging out at your private school, you may be pleasantly surprised.

If you can't get FA for the tuition, I would put both kids in the local school and take the insurance. During this "trial" year I would save every penny I could towards the next year's tuition + private health insurance for that year. I would be really open with my kids about the reason, and ask them to contribute to the family as men by doing their best to enjoy and learn at the public school. I'd point out some of the advantages (better extra curriculars? Playing in public school sports leagues? Seeing neighbourhood friends? Whatever.) to set them up for success.

I would ask the older to try it out until December, to give him time to adjust, and agree that if it is really not working you will "consider options" at that time. I wouldn't say homeschooling, but I would give him the sense that he is not trapped.

Then at December I'd re-evaluate for both kids (if homeschooling both is an option, otherwise just for your oldest). And then again at the end of the year.

If it is really not working out in public then I'd see if there was a possibility for another 'good year' back at the private school financially at that point. I don't know if you can increase your income in any way, like if there was local part-time work you could do the nights/weekends your ex has custody or something, but that would help.

In other words, I'd accept that we might have a bad year, and take the insurance, but try to save for the next year.

ETA: I just wanted to clarify, after reading further, that I didn't mean bad mouthing your spouse to the kids - I meant saying that you need to pay for other things and the kids can contribute by making THEIR schooldays productive. Hope that's clear.

[Smithie]

It just kills me, but I have to agree that the private school is not an option this coming year. Your stbx will be ordered to pay cs, but you have no way of knowing if he is going to pay it consistently. He will eventually have his checks garnished if he doesn't pay and you pursue it, but how long will that take? If you can't pay the ALL the bills yourself in any given month, you are vulnerable to disaster.

Take the insurance, send your kids to public school, and tell them the truth - that their father does not choose to help pay for it, and you can't afford it on your own.

And make sure you have it IN WRITING that the kids will stay on his policy. And then check up on that periodically. If he should drop their coverage (or just lose his job), you will be able to add them to your policy.

[karne]

Originally Posted by Smithie

Take the insurance, send your kids to public school, and tell them the truth - that their father does not choose to help pay for it, and you can't afford it on your own.

But, what would you hope to be doing for the children in that situation? It sets up their educational situation for the following year very negatively, which is good for no one. And, I'm definitely not defending anyone here, but not paying private tuition isn't really a neglectful situation. There are lots of circumstances where couples have to decide jointly on how their resources will be allocated-I can't imagine saying to my kids that they can't go to an ivy league college because dad hasn't chosen to work hard enough. Not that I don't feel the OP's dilemma, but lets be fair.

[velochic]

Where does you ex-husband live? In the same school district? Is he tied into a lease? Perhaps you can find a better public school solution by using his address for enrollment. If he can move, maybe he can move into a better public school district. I certainly wouldn't be bad-mouthing him to your kids about not wanting to pay his part of tuition. That's just bad news. Sorry Smithie.

I agree that private school is a want (and we private-school our dd) and health care is a need.

[Logan's Mom]

Can you take the tuition reduction and purchase health insurance on your own?

[darien]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Second, I'd go and visit the local school and start talking to them about the steps to get accommodations for your oldest, etc. It may well not be the best school, but sometimes great things happen in schools that are not rated the best, etc. If you are going on what you've heard, particularly since you've been hanging out at your private school, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Well, this is one thing I will NOT do. The local high school is way beyond bad. Let's put it this way-- a friend who taught there had one of her students murder another. Thanks for all the other good advice, though!

To answer some others' questions: stbx lives in the same district, and will not move. I'm already doing supplemental work at the school-- I'll ask for more work and more aid, but I don't know that either is available. Times are tough for the school, too.

I am sure that they'll hire me back, though (unless the school folds, which is a small but real possibility ).

I don't think stbx can file early without my consent, but, if I don't agree, he may try to make things even harder for me.

I will try to find a self-pay policy that I can afford. We'll see.

Ironically, my 13 year old, who loved homeschooling with a burning passion, really wants to go to his current school next year, and my 5 year old, who has no choice but to go to school, is complaining bitterly that he wants to homeschool. Sigh.