my friend's being induced....

[fyrflymommy]

....tomorrow morning. she left a message on my machine today saying she was going in tomorrow to be induced.

i'm mad....and sad. she's not even DUE untill tomorrow!! and the only reason she's being induced is bcuz according to the ultrasound (3rd trimester) she's having a 10lb baby.

my mom and i have talked to her and printed off loads of info for her.... i guess she doesn't care.... and the csection rate at her hospital is 37%. and she was afraid to have a csection......and now it won't be any surprise if she ends up w/ one. i jokingly told my mom that she'll have a csection by dinnertime cuz the ob will be getting hungry.

i feel so....judgemental. but all i'm doing is informing her of the risks and that it's completely unnecessary. her friends at work have been telling her that it's no big deal and that it's great! my mom (who works with them) has given them info and they just don't care. my mom decided to stay out of any future conversations regarding our friend, bcuz HER friends don't beleive anything that my mom tells them. my mom says that she's basically given up on trying to help our friend out w/ regards to birthing.

sigh......

and i hope noone takes offense at the attitude of my post. i'm just hurt. and my friend is kinda....uniformed and naive i guess are the words

[watermamma]

It's frustrating. Been there before myself.

I just recomend a few of my favorite books, and if they don't want to check them out from the library, or borrow mine, well, not my problem anymore. If they want to talk or ask questions, I am happy to chat and share how wonderful my out of hospital birth was. I just hope things turn out well, and when/if they don't, well, maybe next time can be different. I have had one friend come back after her failed induction/c-section, asking about midwifery care for her next baby. Sometimes people just need to experience it first hand.

I know with my first, I thought I could control everything in the hospital and have my perfect, unmedicated birth. I just never realized what it's like in the hospital, how hard it is to fight in the throes of hard labor, and never knew any better to use a midwife. Thought prenatal appt.'s were supposed to last 3 minutes I just counted my blessings afteward that I didn't wind up with a c-section.

It's hard to watch friends do things we wouldn't do. Hope things turn out ok for her, you are a good friend to want the best for her

[mamameg]

Isn't it amazing how most people feel about induction? I used to read a mainstream pg board and it was SHOCKING to me how common inducitons and scheduled c-sections were among those women. Most of them were all about getting on the drugs, and getting the baby out of them as painlessly and as soon as possible. Lots of 38 week inductions!!!! Of course, complete with epiduals ("bring it on as soon as I check in") and even planned c-sections so they wouldn't "have to" labor.: If anyone ever spoke up about wanting to have a non-medicated birth, they would get all defensive and snippy, saying things like, "You know, they don't hand out awards for having no drugs during childbirth".

And they will never listen to anything anyone says about, because after all, their all-knowing doctor says it's all okay.

Needless to say, I was desperate for another forum and I found MDC!!!

As for your feelings of being judgemental... I don't know that I can help you with that. I often feel that way when I encounter such ignorance. I wish I could just be okay with others feeling the way they do, but it often bothers me A LOT and I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut.

-Megan

[KKmama]

Been there... I understand your frustration. For me (and my friend in a similar situation), it was doubly frustrating, because I had what I feel what a medically legitimate emergency cesarean, whereas she had a lot more "positive" in her situation, and if she had avoided the induction, I feel that she probably could have avoided her cesarean, too....

[georgia]

IME, the most important thing you can do as a friend is be there for her. this is her birth, her baby, her choices. all you can do is listen....and understand her needs are different. i wish i could shout on the roof tops how horrible pitocin is.....but, in the end, she is ultimately responsible for this choice. is the medical model of care failing mothers a majority of the time---you bet. but, if she's aware of the risks vs. the benefits, your mom probably has the right idea. you gave her the info---what she does with it is ultimately up to her. it is so hard b/c we *know* the dangers, many of us from first hand experience. grrrrrr. wishing all goes as well as can be hoped for.....

[fyrflymommy]

ya know, i probably wouldn't feel so bad about it IF she didn't know better. but since we've talked to her and given her info that ;s what makes it so hard.....

i wish i could be there for her, but i don't even have a ride today. i just hope nothing goes wrong.

thanx for the help everyone. i'll letcha know what happens.

[CaliMommie]

You know, that sort of thing even frustrates me, and I had to be induced with both of my boys. With my first I was determined not to be induced, finally went into labor (2 1/2 overdue) got stuck at 9 cm, and there was never any water (completely dry birth ). He was 9 lbs, 5 oz. My second was induced when I was 2 weeks, 1 day overdue (I knew the exact day I concieved), b/c of complications w/my first when he was so overdue. Wonderful, drug free birth (aside, of course from the cervical softener.), nnoo tears, stitches, etc. He was 9 lbs, 15 oz, and the midwife said that has they not induced he probably would have been content to stay in for another 3 weeks (she's never seen sucha thick umbillical cord). I wish I would have been able to go into labor naturally, though. Just know that you did all you could do to help her know her options, and now all you can do is be there for her.

AmiBeth

[KarmaChameleon]

I am going to be the voice of dissent here.

I am a perfectly informed, well educated hippie-esque attached mama of two girls, and I was induced with my second. I hate to think that there would be this kind of judgement attached to my choice, but I know there is. IN real life, I had support for whatever I chose to do, but here at MDC I was on the chopping block.

I only offer you this because you seem to want to not be judgemental, so I am sharing how it felt to be in my shoes.

I was 39.5 weeks pg and seriously on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Our "childcare" person (mom) for our 2 year old was 2 hours away, and we had never ever left her with anyone. My anxiety was through the roof. I was 2-3 cm dialted at my appt. that Tuesday and crying all the time, worried about dd1 and if we would make it to the birth center in time. I was a bona fide mess.

My m/w offered to induce that Fri. My mom came down Thursday night and made us dinner. We explained the process to dd1 and tucked her in and told her all about what was going to happen, etc. It was so peaceful that night, we all slept through the night for the first time in months.

We woke up and my mom took some belly pix before we left. We stopped for flowers to have with us during labor. I got hooked up and had some pitocin. I maanaged an otherwise drug-free waterbirth and my daughter Sage was born 8 hours after we "checked in." Big sister arrived in a new dress to meet her sister, then went home for dinner. I felt like my m/w had gifted me with a sense of serenity and control.

I share this story because I want you to at least understand that not ever induction leads to c-section, or even pain medication for that matter.

While it won't be the right choice for 99% of the fine fabulous mamas here, it was certainly the right one for me.

This post was written with great love and compassion -- I hope to help others.

[mamameg]

KarmaChameleon -- I apologize if I contributed to you feel judged. It sounds to me as though you made the best choice for you and your family. In my efforts to find my own way, I sometimes make others feel that their way is the wrong way. This is not my intent.

Thank you for taking the time to round out the conversation with your real life experiences. I think stories like yours help to make the topic less of an us-against-them war, and more of an exercise in communication and learning.

-Megan

[candiland]

Wow, Amanda, what a beautiful post! It sounds like your momma intuition was right on.

[fyrflymommy]

well my friend had her baby already. and he was 9lbs. and he came out blue and not breathing and needing oxygen. sigh.

he's really cute though!!!

i don't know what's with my friend..... she also said that she's so thankful for her dr cuz if she'd been at home she would've died i told her "no you would've been just fine bcuz you wouldn't have been induced and you could've given birth in an optimal position instead of on your back!"

sigh. maybe we're growing apart?? maybe i put too much emotional stake in other people?

[IslandMamma]

Oh my gosh! Fyrflymommy! Your friend JUST HAD A BABY, you don't need to be telling her what she did wrong. The postpartum period is so filled with giant hormonal swings and joys and grief and the whole bag, the LAST THING she needs is someone being judgemental, which is what the homebirth comment was. I know you mean the best, and I agree with you 100% about homebirth, but good grief!

It sounds like she came close to losing her baby (Or closer than any mama ever wants to....) and she doesn't need to be told it might be her fault for her decisions. I'm sure she'll go through that over and over on her own.

KarmaChameleon, I really loved your post. Very eye-opening. Thank you for eleoquently stating a very emotional issue for all of us.

Congrats to your friend ffmommy on that 9 lb. baby!

[lollaleeloo]

Originally posted by fyrflymommy
sigh. maybe we're growing apart?? maybe i put too much emotional stake in other people?

FWIW, I don't think it's you. Well-intentioned lectures, books, article clippings -- none of these are any match for your average team of white coats holding out the offer of a shorter, safer pregnancy to a woman in her ninth month. I know with all 3 of my kids, by the last weeks of my pregnancies I was so sick & tired of playing Sacred Vessel, I would have grasped at any straw held out to me -- never mind medically sanctioned ones. And it helps to keep in mind that for a pregnant woman on the verge of delivery, a c-section may not necessarily be the worst case scenario, if you know what I mean.

BTW, I was induced for my second (due to one of those magical floating due dates that got 'reset' by a 3rd trimester U/S and do NOT get me started on that ) and for 3 yrs, nobody in the world could convince me I wasn't one of the rare few medically necessary inductions. However, by the time I had my third, I let everyone around me know that I would be the first woman in history to birth a 30lb baby after a year of gestation if it came down to that or an induction of *any* type. Nobody has a higher stake in the outcome of a pregnancy than the woman bearing it -- nobody. It is in no way a reflection of your friendship that your friend went with her own instincts in this matter. That's what we all do.

You said in your other post:

Originally posted by fyrflymommy
and i'll put my judgmentalness aside and be thankful that they're both ok.

I'd say you're on the right track with that sentiment. I'll go a little farther and say that when you hear the 'We Nearly Died' story, bite your tongue OFF if you have to, but resist the urge to counter with anything beyond, "and thank goodness it all turned out for the best." New moms need all the support and reassurance they can get from their loved ones, and implying that one of the first decisions she made as a mother may have been a mistake is not the way to go about giving it. Let your friend continue to feel your support and jubilation and relief over the positive outcome, and leave it at that. The burden's on you not to let your advocacy get between you and a friend in need. You are doing the right thing.

Originally posted by KarmaChameleon
This post was written with great love and compassion -- I hope to help others.

Your love and compassion came through loud and clear. That was an awesome rebuttal.

[fyrflymommy]

ummm....i feel a little bit...um...like my ranting was misunderstood?
: i wasn't telling her she did anything wrong. and i wasn't making a judgemental comment about her either : sigh. and no, based on everything that she told me about her birthing experience, she would NOT have died....this coming from a girl that thinks it's ok to have the flu bcuz it's just a virus and viruses aren't contagious :

anyway....i now feel "flamed" kinda and like i shouldn't have bothered posting in the first place

Originally posted by IslandMamma
Oh my gosh! Fyrflymommy! Your friend JUST HAD A BABY, you don't need to be telling her what she did wrong. The postpartum period is so filled with giant hormonal swings and joys and grief and the whole bag, the LAST THING she needs is someone being judgemental, which is what the homebirth comment was. I know you mean the best, and I agree with you 100% about homebirth, but good grief!

It sounds like she came close to losing her baby (Or closer than any mama ever wants to....) and she doesn't need to be told it might be her fault for her decisions. I'm sure she'll go through that over and over on her own.

KarmaChameleon, I really loved your post. Very eye-opening. Thank you for eleoquently stating a very emotional issue for all of us.

Congrats to your friend ffmommy on that 9 lb. baby!

[lollaleeloo]

Not that you asked, but that doesn't look particularly 'flamey' to me. No one's casting you as a villain here. I think the intention was to offer advice in keeping you from inadvertantly and unintentionally saying something hurtful to your friend in an emotionally sticky situation, that's all, 'kay?.

[fyrflymommy]

oh.....

i just feel defensive today. maybe i have pms :LOL

[IslandMamma]

Fyrflymommy, I DEFINITELY was not intending to flame you. I sincerely apologize if it came across that way; the way your comment about induction to your friend-- after the fact-- came across to me as harsh.

I'm such a huge advocate of natural birthing-- at home, with midwife or unattended, without medications-- that I myself have lost sight that every birth is an individual choice. I have found myself being overly judgemental about those that chose different methods, and this bothers me. I guess I was just seeing a bit of myself in your response to your friend.

We do need to keep educating, and keep putting it out there that the white-coat way isn't always the best way, but I think the most RADICAL thing we can do is to support other women in their ability to make the best choice.

Lollaleeloo said something that really sticks with me.. "The burden's on you not to let your advocacy get between you and a friend in need." That's a very powerful statement, in the realm of birth choices and beyond.

Maybe now rather than focus on the choices she made that don't sit right with you, be a mentor and role model for times to come-- ie: breastfeeding, co-sleeping, all that good AP-ing stuff that will help deepen her bond with her baby. It's obvious you care deeply for this woman and her baby; I think it'd be a shame to let your friendship slip away when she probably needs it most.