Adoption Situation Landed in our Laps!

[minniemonster]

Hi Mamas,

My DH and are are FP and licensed for adoption. This is what we have been pursuing. We got a call yesterday from a good friend whose niece is pg, 16 and a sophomore in another state. She is mortified, A student, cheerleader, student council, etc. and it's a very small town. She can't even go to the guidance counselor as it will get out. She is starting to show and wants to get out of town, like yesterday. She wants to go very far away (like 3000 miles), have the baby and then return to school in the fall. They baby is due early August. This girl wants us to keep the baby as well. That's a lot to get in one day. She comes Tuesday.

Well, DH and I said OF COURSE come stay with us, we have 5 bedrooms and are happy to help. As far as the rest goes, we said take it one step at a time. (We are leaning toward the adoption, but have been burned in the past and have learned to be cautious) The daddy is also 16, doesn't want to be involved. He is also adopted, his father is gone and his mom isn't very involved in his life. The girl isn't going to list him on the BC and he is fine with that. She is very scared right now. We are going to get her through the next 4 months (due late July/early Aug) and return her home. My guess is that we will learn a lot from the situation, whether we adopt the little one or not. If we don't, we will help her make an adoption plan and find the perfect family for this miracle.

So my questions are many, has anyone been through this situation? anything we should be aware of? what about legal expenses? how would we transfer parental rights? we don't have and extra $10,000 to spend on a lawyer without me going back to work which kind of defeats the purpose. what can we do to make her transition easier for her? how do you do a shower for a teen mom that isn't keeping the baby? so many questions? thanks in advance.

[Polliwog]

I don't know much about the legal stuff other than the fact that an adoption lawyer in a situation like this won't be very expensive at all.

But, and this is a big but, you don't know if she's going to parent this baby or not. That may be her current plan but things can change any time. There are many teen moms who decide to parent. I would help her find a counselor to help her work through her feelings (no matter what she ends up choiosing, it won't be an easy process.)

[RedOakMomma]

I think counseling is key. It's so hard for a 16 year old to really grasp the effects of her decisions, and how she might feel 4, 6, or 8 years down the road. A lot of moms regret placing their children, a lot of moms don't. I think it's probably your job now to guide her through these next four months, and make sure she has some neutral guidance (in the form of a counselor and/or a pregnant teens support group) as well. She needs to get away from her peer/high school situation and see if she really does want to place the baby, or if she wants to raise the baby. Once she's away from all the forces making her feel so panicky, so self-conscious and "mortified," she may find she's more attached to this baby than she thought. It may help to buy a few books on open adoption, or adoption in general (one good one for teens might be "Sacred Connections: Stories of Adoption"...it has a lot of real pictures and real short stories/interviews with people from all sides of the triad. Very honest.) Books about teen parenting and open adoption might also be helpful. I think if she reads about adoption from all the sides of the triad, reads about different experiences and different feelings, that could help her a lot.

s to you. I'm sure it's not easy to feel hopeful for yourself, feel protective of her, and wonder what the "right" thing to do is for this mother and this baby.

To transfer parental rights, if that's where this goes, I believe you'd need to do a private domestic adoption. Several moms on this board have done them, and hopefully they'll chime in. It's not a very expensive process. I believe you'll need a homestudy, though, and a lawyer who will help you complete the necessary steps.

Best of luck.

[SundayCrepes]

The dad's rights need to be considered too. Just because she's not planning on listing him on the birth certificate doesn't mean he is easily blown off. Since she knows who he is AND especially since you know she knows, he needs to be contacted directly. A lawyer can advise you of what needs to happen.

We adopted a baby in a baby born situation. Both lawyers cost us $3,000 and we got it all back on our income taxes. You may need a lawyer in each state--yours and MAYBE her home state (though if she gives birth in your state, probably not) or at least a lawyer for you and one for her (depending on state law) and I'm not sure how the dad figures in all that. But really, it shouldn't be that expensive.

Good Luck

[tiffani]

wow.

that's a lot for you to process. I think it's awesome that you're willing to walk this journey with this girl, but she needs counseling, she needs to look at ALL of her options, she needs the support of her parents (you didn't mention them at all, where do they stand?) she needs to understand that this is not an embarrassment, this is a baby, and it's ok that she's pregnant, it's ok if she chooses to place her child for adoption, it's ok if she chooses to parent. she will be ok, if she makes an informed choice from the heart, not a scared decision based on what society expects from her. I would love to see her take control of this situation, be pregnant with her friends and family around her, and decide what she wants to do in her normal, natural environment. she can't just pretend this didn't happen -- people will know, people will talk, and most importantly, SHE will always know, and will always hurt if she rushes this decision, or makes it for other people.

my heart goes out to her in this difficult time. I think it's great for you to offer to take her in, but I'm not sure that staying with prospective adoptive parents that she doesn't even know is the best option for her. Can you truly be unbiased in helping her? Can you walk on eggshells for 4 months hoping she chooses you to parent, if she does decide to place the baby for adoption? If she gets all the info, reads all the books, gets all the counseling, and still wants to place her baby, it would be amazing for you to have this time with her, to be able to develop a beautiful open adoption relationship, and to have her be a part of your family forever, but don't sit by and let her walk this path with secrets and lies, that isn't good for anyone involved.

lots to think about, do keep us updated if you can.

[karne]

OP, you sound like you're willing to take this step by step, which is great. I have to gently say that every step you mentioned in your post is an event in and of itself: moving out of her home, moving into yours, continuing the final journey of the prgnancy, having the baby and seeing that this is a real individual, and then returning home, if that is indeed what happens....it's a lot. A big red flag is the presumed father, who you state was adopted, now not being listed on the baby's birth certificate as part of the plan? I really hope that he is able to get some support and counseling for himself. It sounds like there is a lot of denial and running away/pushing away happening, which is common at this stage, but can be worked through.

If you are able to take in this young woman, I would really encourage you to do so only as a respite place for her to be. It may not be in her best interest to be staying with you in this time of crisis with any, any, expectation that you will adopt her baby. She needs counseling and to go through all of the hard pieces of exploring her options and the ramifications of her choices without any pressure. Not saying you would pressure, but it's a loaded situation to live with someone who will benefit you will make an adoption plan. She may need to explore other couples/prospective parents should she decide on adoption, and that is healthy and right. I don't know how that would be for you?

It's a big situation, but I encourage you to be only in one place at a time, and all you really know right now is that this young woman may wish for a warm and loving home in which to land for the remainder of her pregnancy.

Good luck.

[Sierra]

I think it would be an ethical nightmare for her to come stay with you if you honestly want to adopt this baby. She is going to feel some obligation to you, no matter how much you tell her you are just there to support her and that there is no pressure. There's a pyschology at play that will be bigger than anything you say.

If she wants to take off and be somewhere private for this decision, it should be in an environment with NO interest except to support her in a thoughtful experience of discernment.

[aja-belly]

Originally Posted by Sierra

I think it would be an ethical nightmare for her to come stay with you if you honestly want to adopt this baby.

yes. and possibly a legal nightmare as well.

[Smithie]

"If she wants to take off and be somewhere private for this decision, it should be in an environment with NO interest except to support her in a thoughtful experience of discernment."

And this place is where? Shangri-La?

I understand the concern, and this is probably coming across more snarkily than I intend it to, but I don't think that your idea of the "right way" to make an adoption decision is within shouting distance of any teenager's reality.

OP, if you are prepared to open your home to this girl and joyfully adopt her child if she makes an adoption plan, OR let her leave with her baby freely and with no harsh words or hard feelings if she chooses to parent, then you are probably the best option she has at the moment. The situation is ethically fraught, but the very fact that you AWARE of the potential pitfalls may well mean that you are the only people in this girl's life who she can trust to restrain themselves from trying to coerce her one way or another.

You're going to need that lawyer. You're going to need to get the biodad to sign away his rights - imagine the hell-on-earth experience you'd have if he (or his mother) showed up next year asking for "his" baby back! It's worth the time and money and hassle to do this right. But you don't have to take my word for it. The lawyer you are going to hire will be adamant on this subject

This may turn out to be a blessing for a couple who want to be parents and a teenager who wants her pre-pregnancy life back. I wish you the best of luck. If this girl decides on adoption, I hope she will agree to an open adoption, since she sounds like a birthmom that your child could be proud and happy to know.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Smithie

"If she wants to take off and be somewhere private for this decision, it should be in an environment with NO interest except to support her in a thoughtful experience of discernment."

And this place is where? Shangri-La?

I understand the concern, and this is probably coming across more snarkily than I intend it to, but I don't think that your idea of the "right way" to make an adoption decision is within shouting distance of any teenager's reality.

I'm not so sure of that. Maybe a relative. Or a center of some sort for unwed mothers. Not that unrealistic.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by Smithie

I understand the concern, and this is probably coming across more snarkily than I intend it to, but I don't think that your idea of the "right way" to make an adoption decision is within shouting distance of any teenager's reality.

Having had experience as such myself, I will vehemently beg to differ.

This may turn out to be a blessing for a couple who want to be parents and a teenager who wants her pre-pregnancy life back.

It is a totally normal response to want her pre-pregnancy life back. Even adult women who plan their pregnancies sometimes feel that way, and for a teen, there is all that and more.

Truly, she can't have her pre-pregnancy life back. Her life will never be the same again.

The feeling she has now of wanting everything to go back to "normal," as painfully intense as it is, it is just a feeling. It is not permanent. But when people invested in one particular outcome heavily involve themselves, they feed the fantasy that she can have her pre-pregnancy life back and help her shape her decisions around that feeling of wanting it back. And I can't stress enough how it doesn't matter what those people say. The pyschology is powerful.

Now, I am not saying this from an anti-adoption standpoint. I have myself adopted, twice. I have also "lost" a potential adoption in which I intentionally held space for the parents to make the decision without involvement on my part. But to say, "yes the situation is ethically frought" and then to go on to say that it is the best that can be arranged is a problematic statement at best in this case.

For one thing:

Originally Posted by Polliwog

I'm not so sure of that. Maybe a relative. Or a center of some sort for unwed mothers. Not that unrealistic.

Heck, she can come live with me in her discernment if she wants . I want more babies someday, but I am about to head off to grad school (possibly at Yale), and there is NOOOO way in heck I can manage another baby right now....I'd not put even a toe into the pond of belief that I know what is best for this young woman. LOL

Seriously, it is not unrealistic. No. Not. There is another path here, but it isn't being chosen. This girl is in a vulnerable position, and granted we have only the details posted here and don't know the people involved, but it sounds to me like she has become the victim of the interests of the adults around her for whom her (impermanent) feelings are a convenient means to an end.

[tiffani]

I would love to hear more about this girl's parents, and what pressure they are putting on her (or not). This reality is part of her life now, no matter what she decides to do in the end, and if her parents are supporting her right to choose her path (we haven't heard that they aren't) then her best option would be to stay in school, with her family and friends around her, to receive counseling from an unbiased counselor, and to decide what she wants to do in the context of her normal, regular life, without trying to run away from her current situation.

OP, I hope we haven't scared you off, it's just a really complicated situation that requires a lot of thought and rational, emotion-less decision making. I hope you can come back with any further information you have on her situation, and let us know how she and you are doing, and what direction this is going.

[Polliwog]

OP do you have any news?

[sbrinton]

I think it is a complicated situation, but I don't agree that it is totally unethical. It seems to me that this sort of thing has happened forever.

And while the sixteen year old will be changed by her experience, she can in so many ways have her life back if she places the baby for adoption. I agree she should have counseling and support to make whatever decision is right for her and the child, but maybe this is a good situation. I think looking into some sort of open adoption would be important too.

[minniemonster]

I can add more information to my original post, but I do so with hesitation as I didn't post for judgement, only advice.

The girl misjudged her due date. She is actually 30 weeks along. She has been able to hide the pregnancy the entire time. Her parents are divorced, her mother is a severe alcoholic, her father doesn't live in town but sees her weekly. She lives between grandparents and an aunt's house. She wants to go to college, which her father is in support of. Her mother isn't sober very often and hasn't been much help. Her aunt was the one who contacted us at the girl's request. The one person she told up to that point was a social worker at the county health department that is a friend. She was counseling her all along the way and helped her come to this decision. Her aunt and father have also discussed this with her. Her aunt asked her to stay at home and have the baby, the aunt also offered to adopt the baby. The baby's father is also in support of the decision and willing to sign what is needed. Her fears of her pregnancy getting out into the school rumor mill in this small town were founded. She did go and speak with the guidance counselor at her school as she wanted information about classes that would transfer, etc., and that confidence was broken. The counselor proceeded to write her name on a white board along with other girls in this small town that have become pregnant. I know this must be a professional breech of conduct.

We have adopted twice before as a way to build our family. We currently are pursuing adoption again through the foster care system. We actually have a referral for a little one right now. We didn't offer our house to guilt her into giving us the baby. We had the space and we were helping a friend. She is the one who wants to give us the baby. We weren't looking for this situation. We have spent the last week setting up school and medical appointments for her, not so that she will feel indebted to us, but so that we can help her move through this journey.... I guess I should have made myself more clear. Our only concern is that she has a happy and successful future, does that make her a "victim of the interests of the adults around her for whom her (impermanent) feelings are a convenient means to an end"? It is her strength and determination that leaves me in awe.

[lauren]

Thanks so much for returning to update everyone.

I want to chime in and say that the adoptive moms here on this board have learned through deeply felt experience to value all parts of the adoption triad-- expectant mom, adoptive parents and adopted children. So when they urge you to consider the expectant teen mom's developmental age and state and the stress she is under, it is only out of respect for her, for what she is going through. Many moms who placed their babies came to regret it later, even if it is what they 'wanted' at the time. Many others did not regret it. There is huge variety of experience. It seems as though the common wisdom is for moms in that situation to seek non biased counseling to sort through everything. When an expectant mom is a teen, it is just that much more challenging because the brain is still developing and decision making is tough.

So I think what you are hearing is not judgment, but concern for the expectant mom sharing your home, and for her future needs, as well as the needs of the baby. I urge you to keep an open mind about that, even as you seek out specific information that can help with your very delicate situation.

[tiffani]

Honestly, there is no judgment here, only people sharing their concerns about this young mama, and how living with you might impact her decision. As you're involved in adoption, I'm sure you know all to well how some people who want a baby can trample over the expectant mom in their hopes for a baby -- this is obviously NOT what's happening in your situation, but it wasn't entirely clear from your first post if you knew the risks and ethical issues here. It seems, though, that you do, and are willing to help this girl with whatever path she chooses.

I'm still concerned that she is trying to hide her pregnancy. Obviously everyone knows, and it seems to me that there is a chance she's trying to pretend it isn't happening or something. She's obviously being really responsible about all of this, but is she in touch with the emotions involved? I'd happily take her into my home (if I were you) and really try to help her explore how she will feel with every possible scenario. I think an open adoption with your family (or whatever family she chooses) would be an amazing option for this girl, but I'm hoping she is truly facing her feelings here, and not just "being responsible" and trying to "do the right thing." I'm glad she's been talking to counselors, and hope she continues to do so, and can embrace this baby, whether she places or parents.

hugs to you, you're doing a wonderful thing for this young mama!

[RedOakMomma]

Best of luck to you.

To the other moms in this forum...there was a thread a while back (late last year??) where a mom posted a news article about her open adoption, and how great it was going for them shortly after the baby was born. Who was that MDC member? Or where was the thread? It might be a resource for the OP or the expectant mom in this case. Also, they spoke of a specific book on open adoption in that thread that was really helpful to the parents on both sides of the adoption. Which one was that?

[aja-belly]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

Best of luck to you.

To the other moms in this forum...there was a thread a while back (late last year??) where a mom posted a news article about her open adoption, and how great it was going for them shortly after the baby was born. Who was that MDC member? Or where was the thread? It might be a resource for the OP or the expectant mom in this case. Also, they spoke of a specific book on open adoption in that thread that was really helpful to the parents on both sides of the adoption. Which one was that?

i'll search and see if i can find it. i remember it was in seattle.

[RedOakMomma]

aja-belly, thanks, the West Coast thing jogged my memory.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ht=moondiapers

The link to the article in post 13 doesn't seem to work anymore, but the starter of the thread is still active. Minnimonster, you could PM her and I'm betting she'd have a more permanent link to the article. At the very least, the thread goes on to describe what seems to be a pretty amazing open adoption.