Parenting teens and preteens with respect for privacy and trust

[doulatara]

I have been thinking about this alot as my 10 y.o. daughter edges closer towards teenhood, and I realize that I do not have a model from my own parents or really any parents I know (I had dd young, so all my friends have toddlers pretty much) who have respect for privacy and trust in their children. I realize there are alot of factors involved...but my daughter is a very responsible, trustworthy child that has always made very smart decisions on her own. I do not want my fears to get in the way of her autonomy, although I know there is probably a delicate balance based on behavior, maturity and her friend group that I will have to find.

I am very interested in how parents of teens here do it. For example- facebook and the internet world: I worry about her safety and want there to be some sort of methods to make sure she is not being harassed by "friends" or strangers alike...but I also don't know how I feel about keeping her passwords because I do want her to have some sense of privacy.

Also, cell phones. She does not have one yet but the more she does after school activities, hangs out at friend's houses, etc. the more I am realizing we are going to have to get one for her somewhat soon. I don't like the idea of her friends having access to her at all times....but I want her to learn to use a cell phone responsibly.

Even small things; like reading journals, notes from friends, going through her room, etc....I don't really want to be that mom (hasn't come up yet) but I can see how parents feel desperate to find out what is happening with their kids so they resort to those tactics.

I guess I just need models of successful parenting in a way that places trust on young people. This is the way my daughter and I have always done things, but I know very soon there will be alot of unknown and somewhat scary factors that will make trusting her feel difficult or frightening. How do you remain involved while respecting space?

I could also see her having more freedom (or less) depending on her actions, as in: her grades are good, she seems relatively happy, she is "staying out of trouble" so she gets more space...and if she seems to be having problems then I reign her in a bit. I just don't want to be one of those clueless parents who have no idea the life their child is secretly leading.

Any tips, tricks, words of wisdom? I would really appreciate it!

[philomom]

I collect cell phones at night. All the house cell phones reside on my hubby's bedside table turned off at nighttime.

I don't search rooms unless I have some very good reason to.

My hubby is friends with both our teens on Facebook and keeps an eye on things there.

[Dar]

I think the really important thing to focus on is maintaining a good, close, non-judgmental relationship with your kid. If you have that, your kid will be much more likely to trust *you*, and it's a two-way street.

We do stuff together, stuff that we both like (and sometimes stuff only one of us likes, because we like each other). We talk with each other. I try not to embarrass her in front of her friends (and when I do it's unintentional).

Rain got her first cell phone at 10, I think. Around then. They weren't as ubiquitous then as they are now, but she was away from me enough that I felt better with her having one. I've never monitored it, except to keep her updated if she was close to going over the monutes or texts allowed, so she wouldn't have to pay more if she wasn't planning on it. We've been facebook friends forever but, well... that's not to keep an eye on her, it's more than I enjoy reading her stuff and looking at her photos.

[nd_deadhead]

My twin boys are 15. They don't have cell phones, they aren't really interested in Facebook, and they don't do a lot of Internet chatting, so I don't have any real concerns there.

However, I do know a little about trust, respect, and privacy issues. In our house, the rules are the same for grownups and kids: everyone knocks on a closed door, and doesn't enter until permission is given. I don't dig through my kids' rooms, and I expect them not to dig through mine.

Like the PP, we do fun things together - ski, fish, go to concerts, shoot, and hunt. We eat meals together almost every night, and talk about what's going on in our lives. We've never given them a reason to NOT trust us; they have talked to us about lots and lots of things so far - even things they know we don't want to hear (like failing a test). We respect their opinions and ideas, even if they don't agree with our own.

We (the adults) admit when we make mistakes, and we look for solutions together with the boys. We talk about expectations - both ours and theirs.

Our kids still like to do things with us, and they are not embarrassed to be seen with us, so we must be doing something right!

[Linda on the move]

I like the post already. I truly believe that when we act trustworthy our kids will trust us, and that continuing to spend time together doing enjoyable things is the key to a good relationship.


Both my kids (11 and 13) are on Facebook. They are only allowed to be friends on Facebook with people that they know IRL. It's really not been a big deal at all. On one hand, I like to see what they are doing and they like to show my new games they are playing and such, but I really don't feel the need to check up on them. We talk all the time, they would tell me if something was bothering them. They understand the reasons for the only-friends-with-people-you-know-IRL rule, and they are totally fine with it for now.

Cell phones aren't a huge deal for us. Right now they share one, but will be going separately this summer.

My kids have far fewer rules than most of their peers. We talk about *why* some people make the choices they do and about *how things play out over time.* But I'm pretty mellow about things. I think it makes it easier for them to be honest.

For example, one of my 11 year old DD's friends isn't allowed to have a boyfriend. She's had several boyfriends this year, and everyone knows it except for her mother. But her mom has made this (IMHO) silly rule that hasn't impacted the DD at all except to cut her mother out of the loop of her life. I think things like that happen All The Time. I think if we want our kids to be honest with us, we need to be reasonable about the fact that they are growing up, becoming more independent, and need some space to make their own choices.

[MerriMom]

Thanks for the good ideas here. I have a DD12. She's a little immature socially and has no interest in FB or email. She has a cell phone, which she uses to text with me on the bus ride home. Otherwise, it's usually off.

I know those days will end eventually though. While she's an awfully good, compliant, rule-abiding kid, I want to give her enough freedom to let her stretch her wings a bit. Glad to read about what others have done. Thanks for asking the question, OP.

[sewchris2642]

Our motto has always been "innocent until proven guilty". Rules were/are discussed by all parties, agreed on, and apply to everyone. They were taught how to agrue/debate/reason their point of view effectively and be listened to. If, for example, we told the same girl to wash dishes for several days in a row, she was expected to tell us that it was someone else's turn. We expected them to call if they were to be late in coming home and we did the same.

I never did understand the mentality that some parents have of trusting their child one day and the next treating the same child as a parollee when the only thing that changed was the number of candles on the birthday cake.

[MusicianDad]

Right now DD doesn't have a cell phone or belong to an online site, mostly she's not all that interested in either one.

DD has never given us a reason not to trust her, just like we haven't given her a reason not to trust us. We listen when she has something important to say and don't go snooping if she doesn't right tell us something either. Unless we feel her life is in danger, there will never be snooping, and even then there are things that will not be read/looked at. One of those being her journal. Journals are off limits always.

We also believe, like a PP, that the rules of the house apply to everyone even DH and I.

[bestjob]

My eldest dd got a Facebook account when she was in Gr 9, but the big thing is that her aunt is a friend and will comment. Auntie doesn't have the ability to shut things down, just comment. Would she phone me if the Facebook activity was out of control? Oh, yes. Does she make snippy comments at family activities if the Facebook activity borders on stupid? Yes.

Also, the computer is in a very public part of the house. Both parents feel completely happy with the idea that we can all of a sudden park our butts in a chair and ask dd what she's doing on Facebook right now. And what's that, and that and that? We're pretty bright, and we can figure out when someone is trying to fake it.

For smart kids, who don't really want to be in trouble, it's just easiest to play by the rules.

On the other hand, I have to say that if my kid did something unseemly, there wouldn't be hell to pay. A slap on the wrist and a probationary period would do it.

As a pp noted, some parents assume their kids are guilty from the get-go. That just shuts down communication.