4 yo Lying - What do I do?

[lmkirche]

My 4 year old son has started lying alot lately. About going potty, washing hands, putting underwear on, hiding broken toys, etc. He's afraid of getting in trouble. What do I do? How do I deal with this?

[PikkuMyy]

Without knowing more than your post, my years of experience in childcare say "4 year olds lie. Esp. if afraid of getting in trouble". It's very common. Can you give us an example and be detailed about how you know, what you ask him, what he says, and what your current response has been?

The advice I give most frequently to parents is to avoid placing the child in the position to lie. I can't count how many times I've heard parents ask a child "Did you do X" and then the child lies and says "no". Well, the parent already knows that the child did X, so it's really a redundant question, and usually when they ask the question, it's obvious to the child that if he says yes, the parent will be unhappy or he'll get in trouble.

So it's much easier to avoid the temptation for the child to lie, and simple say, for example, "Child, I see that you forgot to wash your hands before you came to the table. Please go and wash them and then we'll eat together!"

[lmkirche]

I guess what I have been doing is similar to asking when I already know the answer. Generally it goes something like. . ."Did you wash your hands?" "Yes" and then I smell his hands to check. Or I will go look in the bathroom to see if there's potty in the toilet. etc.

I think what you're saying is don't ask the question if I'm already going to double check on his answer. And I guess I've been double checking on his answer in response to all this lying. Before this, I think he "got away" with a bunch of his lies because I just said OK and that validated him.

I just don't know what to do about it. I have tried to not use the word "lie" with him because I don't want to label him and give him a new unnecessary vocabulary word, but my husband let that cat out of the bag. I've talked to him about "If I ask you a question, I need to hear the answer." And talked about the fact that what he said was untrue so he understands the difference and that I am aware of it. I also told him that it makes mama sad and I've asked him why he does it, his answer? - He doesn't want me to get mad. I don't know. . .I guess as much as I try not to yell, I know I'm not perfect and maybe I've scared him I hope not.

I don't think a real punishment applies here. I can't think of a logical consequence for this one. Is there?

[hakeber]

This has been a really hard one for me too. DS doesn't just lie he makes up huge stories. Like the time I caught him just after after having painted stripes on the neighbor's dalmation in wood stain and cave like scrawling on the side of their house!

I was so shocked I did ask him IF he had done it and he not only said no, but went on to tell me how a whale had come out of the sewer and done it, and when I questioned the logic of this lie he decided it was more likely the dog had done it himself.

This is the sort of thing he does, even worse when he thinks I will be/am mad, So I am learning..A) to praise vociferiously when he tells the truth even when it's scary or I might get mad. B) to check my emotions over the action and be/sound neutral (really hard! especially when he has done something genuinely obnoxious, like climbed up and gotten my exensive special shampoo and dumped it into his bath because "it smells better" -- which it ought to at 14 dollars a bottle ) C) To not ask if when I KNOW and just go straight to the fixing part.

But I am conditioned I think to test his honor by giving him achance to "come clean", like in a court of law...if you admit your guilt when we already know you are guilty you will get a plea bargain, and if carry on lying you'll get the book thrown at you, right? It's not the healthiest parent child relationship model, though is it?

[hakeber]

I haven't really punished ds over lying, but I have talked to him about trust and how lying makes me lose trust, and it's scary to live with people you don't trust...I don't know how much of that he understands.