Husband thinks cosleeping will lead to codependence and low self confidence

[pantrygirl]

Hi.
My husband has been asking me on a weekly basis when I think our daughter (21 months) will be able to go to bed on her own.
Currently, we co-sleep. We nurse in bed but we have recently my daughter has initiated completion of nursing before bed. She will delatch and then request I rub her back until she falls asleep or if she's congested, reclines on my shoulder until she's nearly passed out.
Sometimes this takes 20-30 minutes, if her naps are good. If her naps are bad or at strange times (after 2pm) it can take up to 90 minutes.
I'm a huge proponent of naptime and bedtime and feel my daughter has been progressing towards self sleep but there is no rush.
My husband believes that the way we're going, she'll require me to sleep with her until she's 5.
Tonight, he finally said to me that he feels that her needing me to fall asleep will lead to low self confidence, co-dependence and will stunt her emotional development.
I believe the opposite but my husband prefers to see studies and a 'doctor's advice.
If you have any literature or links to studies or doctor's advice that state otherwise, can you share them with me?
I truly love going to bed with my daughter. I work outside of home and my husband stays at home with her. I find our nighttime routine comforting and bonding. I also get the much needed sleep I normally would probably forgo.
On occasion, I do come out after she falls asleep but my husband and I rarely do anything together during this time period. He's either studying (he's a part time student) or he's doing his thing. I don't think it's a 'I miss you thing' but I could be wrong.
Thanks in advance.

[sapphire_chan]

: Sorry, we just went to the park yesterday with a 6 and 7 year old who still cosleep on a fairly regular basis and I was trying to fit "codependence" and "low self confidence" to them and it was such a mismatch it was hilarious.

http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/longterm.html

Anyway, here's an article about your dh's concerns by the head of a sleep research laboratory attached to Notre Dame University.


(Note, your dh might throw Mindell back at you: http://www.time.com/time/health/arti...904288,00.html please note in this article that Mindell chooses to express racist opinions. She has theories about infant sleep and chooses to match her observations to those theories. (May her heart be changed and her mind opened to a proper scientific method.))

[velochic]

Our dd still co-sleeps at 8 years old. I'll tell you a little bit about our experience. If I used our dd as a single reference point, I'd say that you are both right.

Dd has always been a poor sleeper. From day 1, she had to have me right there to fall asleep. Until she was almost 3, she nursed to sleep (but didn't night nurse after 18 mos.). Until she was 6, it usually took her an average of 60 - 90 minutes to fall asleep with us there. She dropped all naps at 2.5 years old. She has NEVER (not even once) slept through the night.

During the day, dd is the most confident kid you've ever seen. She's a daredevil and loves challenge. She started school (a language immersion school) at 3.5 yo and loved it from the very first day even though she had spent nearly every minute of her life with me up to that point. She easily separated from me and had fun at school, but when she got home, she attached herself to me and would not let me out of her sight. Still, every morning, she was happy, happy, happy to go to school. She still loves school. For the past few years she is not like glue at home... it was gradual. She loves all of her activities away from me, but still loves her time with me, but doesn't need to be beside me anymore. She's 8, though, and that's normal.

Nighttime is still a whole other ball of wax. She still needs someone to go to sleep. Until this past week, she had never spent a single night out of our bed (and she has never slept a wink in her own bed... when I say "co-sleep", I mean 100% of the time). She has a school camp sleepover in a couple of weeks and slept over at our neighbor's house as a "trial run" this past week. She did wonderfully, so, I know she can sleep alone... and she is now empowered to go to this camp. Still, at home, she still co-sleeps 100% of the time. Since then, we've been on vacation and co-sleeping, but she still does not want to sleep alone according to her.

I swore we would never use CIO. We never have. At this age, she probably wouldn't cry, but certainly wouldn't like sleeping alone. We're still waiting for her to *want* to sleep alone in her room.

I wouldn't worry about confidence or co-dependence... however, if we could do it all over again, I probably would have encouraged sleeping alone at a younger age. So, I agree with your dh that at some point, if you can gently encourage it, it would be a good thing. But I don't think co-sleeping has a single thing at all to do with confidence. If anything, it's the opposite. Dd is more confident when she's away because she knows she will get the affection she needs when she is with us. Meeting their needs at home is what gives them confidence and wings when they are away from you. Ignoring their needs will make them scared because they have nobody to depend upon. Good luck! Hope this novel helps a little bit.

[umami_mommy]

well then, by all means your DH should sleep alone! you wouldn't want him to be co-dependent or have little self confidence! hopefully he won't feel too badly sleeping alone.

[2cutiekitties]

A lot of kids sleep in their own beds but need their parents there while they drift off to sleep. What are his thoughts on that?

She sounds overtired and that is why it takes her longer to fall asleep.

Originally Posted by pantrygirl

Tonight, he finally said to me that he feels that her needing me to fall asleep will lead to low self confidence, co-dependence and will stunt her emotional development.
I believe the opposite but my husband prefers to see studies and a 'doctor's advice.

Does your hubby have studies to back up his theory? I think it is pretty interesting that the people who don't conform to the norm are the ones that are always having to prove and defend themselves.

I think you are doing great. You sound happy and well rested. At about the 2 yr mark DH started sleeping in the bed in my son's room. DH would rather do it different, but knows it is important to me. DS (3) also needs me to be there, and he needs absolute darkness, and quiet.

[Pookietooth]

I think the main Mothering site has some studies. You might also check Dr. Sears' website and also Dr Jack Newman's website. They both are doctors who support shared sleep and may have some research. Ds still cosleeps at age 7, but he has been known to fall asleep on his own (when my new baby was first born and cried a lot for one). He does get less sleep than many others his age and we've never been consistent about his bed time, but that's just the way I am. I couldn't put him on a schedule because I don't do that for myself very well.