At my wits end with 17mo DS

[Rubber Ducky]

DS is always screaming. He screams when he wakes up, screams when his blocks topple, screams when he can't switch on the light, screams when the ball isn't at the exact place he wants it to be, screams at every little thing. Anything can make him blow up in frustration. He won't sit still when eating, he wants to get the knives, stick it in the butter and morf it into mush then scream because his hands are dirty and need wiping.

He understands "no" or "not for you" or "stop" etc... perfectly well but simply will not heed! And this has been going on for... sigh... I can barely remember, since he was 10 months? He wants me to do certain things his way, only way, no other way or he'll scream. A bit like a 4 year old going beserk when his sandwich is cut the wrong way. Sigh...

I don't know how to handle him anymore. I feel so angry at him. He's always demanding demanding demanding. I feel utterly controlled by him. And I feel as though I'm the only mom with a kid like this.

Enlighten me.

[ewe+lamb]

This age is frustrating for the little ones and sometimes even more so for us, our communication skills are so much more enhanced than little ones in just their 2nd year of life.

You may want to look into sign language with your child, it takes away alot of the frustrations, our dc tended to whine alot which REALLY got to me big time, saying to them that I can't understand them when they use that high voice that doesn't sound like them really made them look at how they were speaking to me and change it, use please and thank you - even at a very young age!

With the knives and the butter, I would leave the knives - we all have to learn to use them - but I would just put out a tiny bit of butter so that he can mush it up but just not loads of it, or give him some potatos to mash up if that's what he enjoys doing, for his hands just put a napkin at the side and he'll learn to use it.

What we mustn't forget is that this will pass, it may not seem like it at the moment but it will and then we'll move onto something else - lol, hang in their and try to go to the library and get out a sign language book for kids/babies - it really works wonders!!

[pianojazzgirl]

Oh yeah mama, this is a hard stage isn't it. Don't worry you are not the only mom with a kid like this. In fact it's a pretty normal way for a frustrated pre-verbal (or mostly pre-verbal) toddler to act. The pp's suggestion of baby sign-language is a great one. Know that this stage will pass.

I would also look for ways to say "yes" instead of "no". So, for me first of all that means removing things from his environment that are no-nos (like the butter in your example). This also means "honouring the impulse". So if your ds wants the sensory experience of mushing the butter around find an acceptable alternative. "Oh, you want to play with something mushy. Here's some playdoh". You'd be surprised with a little creativity how many "no"s can be turned into "yes"s.

I just took one more look at your example and saw "he won't sit still while eating". What about giving him a tray of snacks on a kid-sized table that he can graze at? With both my kids at that age I didn't really enforce sitting with us for meals (some parents feel differently which is fine - just saying what worked for us). I would let them wander around and take food as they liked. (Of course sometimes they also chose to sit with us and tuck into their food!). When they were a bit older my expectations changed and we started working on staying at the table during meal time. For my dd (5.5 yrs old) it's a no-brainer (and has been for years). For my ds (2.5 yrs old) it's a work-in-process, but we're getting there. For me it's not worth a power-struggle anyway.

Good luck mama!

[sapphire_chan]

Lina will sit still for eating--if she's in my lap. If she's not, she'll come over to my lap. (and plate, and fork, hey, I was eating that! sigh.... I'll have yours then.)

[my_baby_love]

My older DS was/is like that. Everything has to be his way, all the time, or he gets really upset. Now that he is older, things are getting better but we still have days when he turns into a screaming sobbing mess if, for example, "the pillows on the couch aren't how they were yesterday!" (He cried and screamed for about 15 minutes over that yesterday.)

I read Raising Your Spirited Child and it was helpful in teaching me about where he is coming from and why things like that matter so much to him even if I think they aren't a big deal. It was also really helpful to me do decide that I don't own his emotions and if he is upset that doesn't mean I have to fix it. Of course I can be a calm, loving presence and help if I can, but I don't have to let his emotions rule my life.

Also, I think my DS just likes to be able to do things himself and when he can't do them his way by himself it just infuriates him. Maybe your DS is just frustrated because he thinks he should be able to do more and communicate more and the fact is that he just doesn't have the skills yet.

Hang in there, mama, it will get better!

[lolar2]

That was my least favorite age, 11-18 months. Just UGH. It started to get better at 18 months though. Hang in there!

[justKate]

Originally Posted by my_baby_love

I read Raising Your Spirited Child and it was helpful in teaching me about where he is coming from and why things like that matter so much to him even if I think they aren't a big deal. It was also really helpful to me do decide that I don't own his emotions and if he is upset that doesn't mean I have to fix it. Of course I can be a calm, loving presence and help if I can, but I don't have to let his emotions rule my life.

Also, I think my DS just likes to be able to do things himself and when he can't do them his way by himself it just infuriates him. Maybe your DS is just frustrated because he thinks he should be able to do more and communicate more and the fact is that he just doesn't have the skills yet.

I second Raising Your Spirited Child, although it won't offer you any quick fixes for a pre-verbal little one. My 14 month old is also a terror like this--screams at EVERYTHING. Nothing is ever quite right for her. I've started training myself to respond as if she's using a normal voice, with the hope that she will see that I can hear her just as well if we use normal voices, but I'm not sure how much it is helping.

"More" and "please" are also helpful signs, if you're interested in going that route. Good luck. It is so stressful....

[deena]

I know just how you feel. I've got 4 kiddos and two of them have been just so. For me the solution is to stay calm. I used to get overly frustrated with the kids when they would scream and throw fits (occasionally still do, of course) but this definitely fuels the behavior. I think what has helped is not only having a clear plan for discipline but also carrying it out every time in a calm way. This helps show my kids that they can't control me! At first it was a real struggle, more like putting on a show of calm. Over time I realized that I really can just let go of the emotion while still enforcing the discipline.

[Peppermint Poppies]

My DS was exactly like that at that age. You're not going to like hearing this, but at 3yrs old, he is still exactly the same. Screams all the time, rages up in frustration at every, single, little thing that goes wrong (i.e. not perfectly the way he wants it). He has absolutely no tolerance for frustration or trial-by-error learning. Our household is chaotic and noisy and unhappy most of the time because of his temperament. I say temperament, because my DD who is nearly 1 is a COMPLETELY different child. For my DS, language wasn't a factor, since he has always been extremely advanced verbally.

The things that have helped me learn to cope (and believe me, I am far from zen acceptance) are more to do with my own behaviour, rather than his. Things like reframing my own internal language (for example, saying that 'he has high standards for himself' rather than 'he can't cope with frustration') and modeling the behaviour that I would prefer him to exhibit (for example, sitting down with him and saying 'let's try again' or 'lets keep trying' or 'oh no, that was an accident. Let's do things differently this time and see what happens' etc etc etc). Very, very slowly I'm starting to see a few changes. He will now tell me that he is frustrated, sad or angry. The verbalising doesn't stop him having the rages, but perhaps it is the first step, and I am glad that I have had many conversations with him about how to identify emotions and how they make us feel. Sometimes if I express frustration with something I'm doing, he'll say to me 'it's ok Mummy, just keep trying' and I feel uplifted that he is learning the lessons that I am teaching him. I have had to mourn my dreams of having a happy, cheerful little person around the house, and instead learn to love the son I have - a beautiful, empathic, deeply emotional, perfectionist little boy. He is not cheerful or compliant, but I love him anyway.

Your LO is still so little. There is lots of time for him to learn new skills, so I would consider it a long term project and get started Don't expect huge changes overnight, but try to reframe his behaviour as a strength, and see where that leads you.