Why Won't People Respect Our Food Choices?

[CarricksMom]

I guess this is more of a rant than a question. We were outside yesterday (Easter) and our neighbor comes over with an Easter cookie in a tin for DS. I have told her, just in casual conversation, that we do not eat sugar and told her about using honey for treats, etc. She is fully aware of our eating habits. As she hands DS the tin, she says, "I know I didn't ask first, but it's Easter, you'll just have to be mad at me!" And then told DS to not eat it before supper! I wanted to say. "yes it is Easter, is that the legal holiday that says I can poison my child??!!!" Instead I said, "thank you, that was sweet of you to remember him."

I know it was only cookie, but that is not my point. I just want to be respected for my way of living. You don't have to like it or join it, just don't force me to live your way.

I will give DS full credit. He came in the house and put it in the pantry for later. In a few minutes he had gone to the refrigerator and was eating a carrot. He was lying on the floor singing a song about how much he loved carrots!

BTW, I am not being a meanie and not letting DS have candy for Easter, I know that once in a while is OK. He got jelly beans sweetened with fruit juice in his Easter basket - they are yummy. Who needs HFCS!!??

Thanks for listening!

[Megan73]

Who's forcing you to live their way? Your neighbour offered her "poison" in front of you - when you could easily intercept it before your son ate it, which he doesn't even seem inclined to do.
You did the right thing in thanking her politely for the cookie.
I think we should save principle for bigger things than baked goods.

[Holiztic]

I understand what you are saying. If you had told her you eat kosher, she would have respected that. If you told her you were vegetarians she wouldn't have brought a brisket. If you said DS was diabetic she would not have brought cookies. To her you are just trying to minimize sugar, not avoid it completely without exception.

We are offered sugar by salespeople, bank tellers, etc all the time, but no one that actually knows us does. My parents always have sugar sitting out at their house and DS cries for it--but I don't expect them to hide their food when DS comes. We just teach him he can have a little dessert IF dessert is being served (it isn't always, thank goodness). Otherwise he gets a non sugar "treat" that he would not get at home, like crackers.

We actually gave DS a very small bag of "natural" M&M type candies in his easter basket and he's allowed a few per day. We think refined sugar can be used very conservatively as a holiday treat, but I prefer to make that decision myself, so I do understand where you are coming from.

However, most people do not see avoiding sugar as a dietary restriction, just a nice idea to aim for most of the time (or a silly idea to some!) I think you are going to just have to let this one go to differences in perspective and then do the tough job of keeping most of the cookies from your child.

[ollyoxenfree]

She was out of line. I admire your restraint.

I think some people persist in offering restricted food because it makes them feel better about their own choices. If the neighbour health nut who banned refined sugar (or her kids) can be tempted into taking a sugar cookie - well, sugar cookies once in a while must be okay, right? And if they are okay once in a while, maybe they are okay every day.

BTW, I don't think you are a health nut - just that she probably thinks of you that way. I think you are entitled to make dietary choices for your family and your neighbour displayed very bad manners, in the guise of good manners! It's hard to defend against that kind of aggressive-passive aggressive behaviour.

[Zenzero]

I totally understand where you are coming from. When DS was only about 9 months old my FIL made a comment about me being mean (in jest, but sure he still thinks it a bit) for not letting him have chocolate!!! And my SIL gave him an easter egg at barely 1 year old (which went straight in the bin!). I still don't really let him have chocolate/sweets, except for VERY occasional times when others around are eating it and he asks and he gets a small amount and I know that they all think I am weird/mean or whatever but I have come to the conclusion that some people will never understand my views and *I* know I am doing the best for my son so I just ignore them!

Sounds like your DS knows what is good for him though, so he won't be swayed by people like your neighbour!

[Bri'sgirl]

I understand how you feel, too. I have a friend who knows that we don't do McDonald's or other fast food, but she's always threatening to steal my kids and sneak them to McD's. The other day, she had bought happy meals for her kids and we were meeting them at her house for lunch. I brought a healthy lunch for ds to eat with cheddar bunnies as his special treat. My friend asked my ds if he wanted a chicken nugget! I was so proud of him, because he turned to her (he's 4 yo) and said, "My mommy doesn't allow me to eat McDonald's!"

Like a PP said, your son knows what's good for him and you've raised him well. As he gets older, it's going to be harder for you to control everything that he is offered, especially at school. Just be confident that he will make the right choices, even when you're not around.

Btw, where did you find fruit juice sweetened jelly beans? I want some!

[organicmidwestmama]

too funny, similar thing happened to me yesterday with a family member when i said my son could only have one more easter candy from the huge candy spread laid out in front of us and a said family member interjected to my kid "have as much candy as you want, its easter!", after id explained he had already had a lot of sugar that day.

yes, candy and sugar in general, are basically toxic to our bodies, we arent made to eat sugar at all, except in fruit or maybe very occaisional honey (speaking from an historical/evolutionary hunter-gatherer perspective as to what our bodies are metabolically designed to deal with). but... we live in a culture, much of the world lives like this, where sugar and refined foods are extremely unbelieveably abundant and assumed to be fine, normal etc, despite all contrary evidence. sugar is poison but your neighbor doesnt think this, believe it, or have interest in learning this. maybe someday she will want info about her diet but dont count on it. just let your kid try a bite and throw the rest in the garbage.

[caiesmommy]

A PP said if "you were vegetarian, they would respect that" I'd like to say yeah, but no they prob wouldn't. A lot of people just dont get it! My ds(3.5) has a dairy allergy. Little amounts ok, bit amounts as in more then a TEENY piece of vanilla cake with no icing will make him sick...tell this to people they dont get it nor do they care.

Its just gotten to this Easter when the family didn't try and give chocolate. Ds got a bag of chips..granted not the healthiest BUT it was just a snack size and he's still got half the bag

[StoriesInTheSoil]

People tend to not see outside their own bubbles. Back when neither of us ate ANY meat, we were invited to dinner by another family multiple times and each time, the woman would say things like "well do you eat _____?? Gosh this is going to be difficult. I was GOING to make ________... but I guess I can manage a little something..." and she'd known me since I was 10!! She KNEW we were veg when she invited us!

My mom is constantly and consistently giving DS the crappiest HFCS-containing crap cookies and crackers. I just try to find a piece of fruit in her house and distract him with that (he'd rather have a banana than ANY food item in the world) so that it's his choice, not me nagging.

[JamieCatheryn]

Oh our neighbors come out with the nastiest candies on earth for DS every chance they get. Most of the time deaf people end up giving him stuff strangely enough, and they can't even hear my protests!

[smeisnotapirate]

Unfortunately, people don't even respect things like allergies and keeping kosher either, IME. People have ranted to my face that I'm a mean mom for not letting my son have bacon or peanut butter eggs, when we're Jewish and he's allergic to peanuts.

Some people are just ignorant. If it bugs you, roll your eyes, explain to your kids, and move on. And DON'T let those people around your kids unsupervised!

[cristeen]

I just have to interject my little experience from yesterday. We were at g'ma's and the kids were handing out Easter baskets (everyone got one), and the baby's just had a couple stuffies in it (yeah!). The kids wanted to know what kind of candy he got (he's 6 mos), and g'ma said that he didn't get any this year but he would next year!!!!!

Of course she has no idea that last night when we got home I emptied the contents of the basket she gave us (including a WHOLE bag of jelly beans) into a bag for DH to take to the office. Same as I did at Xmas.

[CarricksMom]

Thanks so much mamas for all of your replies! It is so good to see others have the same problems and I'm not alone or crazy!

Now I feel better about being a "health nut"! My neighbor is definitely passive aggressive and has shown this in other ways. I'd love to see how she would freak if she knew I was still nursing my 3.5 year old!!!

My IL's are not very understanding either. Unfortunately we have never let DS out of our sight with them, there is no telling what they would try to feed him.

Bri'sgirl - I just went an re-read my jellly bean bag and it says MADE with organic fruit juice and it is sweetened with organic cane juice. But, still not like HFCS. I got them at Whole Foods. They were on the same row as the baby food and seemed to be something they carry year round, not just at Easter, no special display or anything.

I loved reading everyone's stories, thanks again, I could write lots more but DS needs some attention now! I usually go online when he naps and he has been doing that a lot less frequently lately!

[sagewinna]

I have taught my kids to say thank you to food gifts, then give them to me or put them in the cupboard until the guest is gone. Then I'll check to see what is in it... My grandma doesn't remember what we do and don't eat and often brings things that are expired. lol She's 88, she means well. Other people just don't remember or don't know. My oldest had a dairy sensativity for many years and it was amazing, he could tell someone he couldn't eat anything with milk in it and they'd try to give him something with butter or cream or...

[greenmansions]

I would have just accepted the cookie graciously and moved on. As someone who comes from a family with no/very minor food sensitivities, and who tries to eat organic/no sugar/no HCFS etc., I do find it pretty frustrating to try to keep track of everything that our circle of friends and neighbors and schoolmates and acquaintances and coworkers can eat. There are no nut, no meat, no red meat, no shellfish, no egg, vegan, no dairy, no gluten, kosher, no strawberries, no nightshade plants, etc etc etc. Just in our circle. It is extremely hard to keep track of it all, especially with crossover of people between the groups listed above. I am to the point where we opt out of any events for which we need to bring food. If I brought the wrong thing to the wrong group, I would feel really bad if people thought I did it deliberately. So we just don't go anymore. That is how crazy it has gotten for us. And I love to cook and bake so for me, it's kind of a loss of connection with people.

[maxwill129]

[QUOTE=CarricksMom;15263054]As she hands DS the tin, she says, "I know I didn't ask first, but it's Easter, you'll just have to be mad at me!" [QUOTE]

This is the kind of stuff that makes me mad- the little snotty comments. My mom and father-in-law are always making little comments like that. I think it would have been less irritating if she would have just said Happy Easter, here's a treat for you and left it at that.

When my mom knows my kids are being picky about something healthy we're eating, she'll say "They would like it if I made it because I make it from a box."

[crunchy_mommy]

Unfortunately they don't necessarily respect it if your vegetarian either!! Or even medical reasons (I'm hypoglycemic, for ex.) It drives me absolutely bonkers. For one, I don't understand the compulsion to feed me/my kid "their" food. We can be sitting there quite happily muching on veggies & hummus & someone always feels compelled to offer cake/cookies/ham/etc. I don't come up to someone enjoying their burger & fries and offer them a veggie burger & some carrot sticks!! All I can think of is, like a pp mentioned, that people feel "bad" for eating a certain way & feel better if they see you occasionally eat junk too. But it doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. In my house we do not eat processed sugar or refined grains. We do not eat animal products. We follow a strict diet but we are very very happy with it & enjoy it very much. Yet people (especially relatives) seem to think we (and DS moreso) are 'suffering' by not eating all that junk. I just don't get it.

OK sorry to start ranting on your thread but this really gets to me. Anyway... I would've done exactly what you did, say thank you & later vent to someone. And also would've handed DH the tin to share with coworkers or something.

[MiaMama]

Originally Posted by greenmansions

I would have just accepted the cookie graciously and moved on. As someone who comes from a family with no/very minor food sensitivities, and who tries to eat organic/no sugar/no HCFS etc., I do find it pretty frustrating to try to keep track of everything that our circle of friends and neighbors and schoolmates and acquaintances and coworkers can eat. There are no nut, no meat, no red meat, no shellfish, no egg, vegan, no dairy, no gluten, kosher, no strawberries, no nightshade plants, etc etc etc. Just in our circle. It is extremely hard to keep track of it all, especially with crossover of people between the groups listed above. I am to the point where we opt out of any events for which we need to bring food. If I brought the wrong thing to the wrong group, I would feel really bad if people thought I did it deliberately. So we just don't go anymore. That is how crazy it has gotten for us. And I love to cook and bake so for me, it's kind of a loss of connection with people.

I am sorry things have goten so crazy for you. My DD1 and I are celiacs, so we have to be gluten free. I NEVER expect anyone to prepare foods for us, I always bring our own foods. That is too much pressure, as you seem to be experiencing.

[Tigeresse]

It's not so much the actual cookies and that my kids may eat them in a situation like this, it's the clear "in your face" defiance and undermining of Mom's authority.

I have a SIL that used to give my kids candy knowing full well I did not want them to have it to the point that she would sneek it and tell them not to tell me! I decided to lighten up and turn it into a joke-type thing rather than creating an adversarial relationship w/SIL but it still grates on me that she felt the need to undermine me. Fortunately she moved away!

[greenmansions]

Originally Posted by MiaMama

I am sorry things have goten so crazy for you. My DD1 and I are celiacs, so we have to be gluten free. I NEVER expect anyone to prepare foods for us, I always bring our own foods. That is too much pressure, as you seem to be experiencing.

Thanks. I'm sorry you have to deal with this stuff on a daily basis.

I have actually been driven to tears - in public - over bringing the wrong thing to a potluck outing. Just trying to bring something my family would eat, and others could eat.

Sorry this has gone a bit OT, OP. I am with you that people don't always "get it" but sometimes it is very hard. Not saying that was the case with the cookie.