I'm feeling inadequate and really sad :(

[Super~Single~Mama]

So Easter Sunday was yesterday. I'm not religious, but it was still a "kinda" holiday. DS was at his dad's house for the weekend, so it was just me. It wasn't a very good day. And then it got way way way worse - b/c when DS came home he was a train wreck. He was a mess. I know he spent the day with his dad's whole family, and probably did way too much stuff so he was really overtired, and just plain exhausted. It took FOREVER to put him to bed - but it was ok. I got him to sleep, and then went to sleep myself.

So I'm feeling inadequate b/c if it had been MY weekend, we wouldn't have done anything for easter. At all. B/c I don't have any family here, I don't have much money, and it would have just been another day. How am I supposed to celebrate holiday's with my son when we can't do anything?? I'm just bummed b/c it seems like DS is always going to want to be with his dad for holiday's b/c he'll spend it with his entire family and it will be more 'fun'.

I don't know, I just feel like I can't compete. I don't compare. I have no one here but friends (who all have their own families and things to do most of the time), so when I have DS for holiday's it will literally just be me and him. Unless I have family come from out of town, which won't happen often.

Ugh. Anyone else feel this way?

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I can't give you advice. Just a .

If we lived closer, you TOTALLY could have come to my house for Easter! Maybe next year you can hop the amtrak. Make it a day long event!

ETA- There is no FAREAKING WAY you don't compare. You are MAMA!!!!! You will always be #1 to Lincoln. And someday he will be big enough to tell you. So dont you EVER FORGET IT!

[MissLotus]

Aww, don't feel bad. I don't have family nearby either, and same thing with friends - everyone near me is married and doing their own thing most holidays. I don't have the ex-in-laws nearby (thankfully!) so it's not so much that I don't feel that I measure up to them, but it IS hard to make these big-deal times feel special, sometimes, without other family around. But you can, in your own way. Really! Even if it's you and your child, you can still plan and make a nice dinner together, you can dress up. You can plan a hike or a picnic if it's nice out; if it's cold out, even the movies are open on holidays. No, it won't be a table full of people like a Norman Rockwell painting, but as nice as that would seem, you can still have lovely times that your child enjoys. It might take a little advance planning, but your child will enjoy it and so will you.

[doubledutch]

i'm sorry. if i didn't have family to spend holidays with, i probably mostly wouldn't to much to celebrate either - but then there's that whole aspect of competition when the other parent does offer some kind of celebration. both of my (divorced) parents were very poor when i was growing up, so i know something about celebrating holidays cheaply - you can go to church, read a (library) book about the holiday or the story behind it, sing together, do a craft project and do something outside. you can also celebrate holidays by doing acts of service . . . ideally in a non-depressing setting. anyway, i don't want that to come across as all the things you should have thought of for holidays in the past. just some ideas for the future, and mostly some love and support.

[Avani]

My kids are gone with their dad right now but i have no family around. For Easter we typically do the community egg hunts, which we have 4 in our area. I don't really celebrate it but taking the kids to the community activities is always fun with lots and lots of people around. Every holiday has some sort of community celebration so i always get involved in those. If a friend invites us in for a holiday i always except because i tend to feel lonely, companionship wise during the holidays. There are ways to fill in the void when you don't have family. Besides less drama

[Ceinwen]

Yup, I feel you.

Not in quite the same way, but similar.

Couple of issues - as an RN, I have to work some holidays, so sometimes even when it's MY holiday, my ex gets them because he has ROFR. That burns.

Also, I have my immediate family here (my parents & siblings) and always make a moderate amount of 'big deal' out of holidays, but it can't compare to my ex.

His entire extended family gets together for every holiday (we are talking 30+ people) for huge meals, parties, etc. My two kids are the only ones there under the age of 25 and are spoiled HUGELY. Like, expensive gifts from everyone, centre of attention, etc.

At my parents' place, my kids are special - but they're also treated just like kids. So, already my dd (older dd, age seven) is saying 'Easter was more fun with daddy' - because I had them for Easter this year, and it was fun and they had a great day... but it was low key.

I'm terrified that as time marches on, all they're going to be concerned with is material objects and the attention they get. People (here and IRL) always say 'no, no that would never happen; they'll want you/need you' - but I've seen lots IRL, where when the kids are teens - they drift towards the money.

It worries me.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

ETA- There is no FAREAKING WAY you don't compare. You are MAMA!!!!! You will always be #1 to Lincoln. And someday he will be big enough to tell you. So dont you EVER FORGET IT!

Totally this!!!!! In the end it's not a competition because a momma is momma no matter what.

Awww!! (((((hugs)))))) I know how you feel. For quite a while after the divorce I didn't have money to do holidays and daddy was blowing money every visit.

I just had to find traditions that were holiday oriented (and cheap) and make them routine. I'm not really religious so many of our holiday rituals aren't based that way, but they're ours and my kiddo has come to look forward to them.

I too thought I wasn't going to be able to compete with all the money being spent over at his dad's, but it's getting to where the shiny is wearing off. Heartfelt traditions are becoming more important than the flash of cash.

In the end your son will probably remember any traditions you created together better than running around hopped up on sugar in a sea of people.

Yeah, the crowds of family/people are great for kids, but what they really remember are the things you create and do together year after year because there are more emotions attached to them. Big emotional bang for your buck! Lol.

Think back on the little things that brought meaning to your childhood and most people will name the little intimate things parents did with them rather than the big fan fare activities as the best.

ETA: I agree that kids tend to superficially gravitate towards the money (most adults do), but what matters is who they go to when they have a real problem, who they turn to when they need someone to trust, who they know will BE THERE in the end.
Yeah, my kid has told me Christmas was better at dad's, but generally I'm the one he'll trust with a secret or ask the pressing question. If that's the trade off then I'm fine with holidays being better at daddy's house. I wanna be the "go to" parent, not the flash.
I wanna be his ice berg, not his cruise ship. History has taught us that cruise ships crash and sink; icebergs are solid and are stronger. LOL!!!!! Pfffft!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Not to derail, but I just wanted to say something.....

I trully hope that when the responsible parent works their butts off to instill good, honest, wholesome, hardworking morals into thier children, that even though the children might go through a phase of gravitating towards the money, someday, when they mature, they will see that is nothing more then an attempt to purchase their love and affection.

[meemee]

i am with you mama - but i dont feel you.

perhaps because i am not a big holiday person.

the thing is even with ex on christmas, easter it was just the 3 of us.

the first holiday though was hard though this much i would say.

the thing is in our way we have our own way of celebrating. dd is now 7. when she was 2 we did easter egg hunting for months. different organisations started hunts a month before. its also time for fairs so we did that too. so i didnt really feel dd was missing out on anything.

we do TG with my ex's family. i am just so grateful that dd HAS at least one family to have a great overtiring day.

also we break up our holidays in different ways. i never ever have dd for xmas starting from when seh was 4. ex does the magic of xmas soooo much better than me. and so that is their time.

my time is easter bunny. she has a blast.

aww i remember the easter when seh was 3. she put on her galoshes and rain boots to go collect eggs in the backyard. then seh spent hours colouring every egg in the house. then we went out for lunch ourselves. then we went on a hike.

the thing is we found ways to have fun ourselves. a different kind of fun. of course it saaddens me that my family cant watch her grow - but dd and i have so much fun together doing our thing that we dont really miss it. we have found our own magic and we love it.

[LoveOhm]

A couple things stand out to me in your post. I don't think the true issue is competing with an ex but yourself having a support system in place and YOU beiung truly fufilled. That energy of happiness in you is what young children feed off of.

Cost effective ways to enjoy the holiday could include all the community egg hunts, which most cities do so you can go to yours and the surrounding cities if they are close enough. Many children's museums and private community gardens also host things for a fee around me but look into it.

I would also really consider going to visit your family over the holidays, generally the kids have the time off so it would/could become a vacation - I know this is not cost effective but in order to strengthen your kids relationship with your family seeing them is a good thing!

And I would also consider building a support network. Many people I know welcome others into their homes for holidays who do not have family in the area....... I have a single childless friend (and now her BF) who come to my families holiday gathers ALL THE TIME. We love having them and they are truly a blessing to us.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Thanks everyone for the support! I'm feeling a little better, but I'm super tired so that's probably not helping

As for traveling on holiday's with my munchkin - I would LOVE to. But, its probly never going to happen since ex is a PITA and doesn't even want to give up ONE of his daytime visits (I'm not even asking for his overnights!) so that my parents can see DS as much as possible while they are here for my graduation (I'm walking, not graduating!) in May. He's practically refusing, and so any time I want to travel out of state with my DS I'm probly going to have to go to court and ask for an order allowing me that time. Ugh. I hate custody battles.

[lucysmom]

Dye some eggs, decorate them, hide them, do "hot-cold" during the hunt, include some pastel candy corn in the re-used plastic eggs ... hey, you are GOLDEN!! Remember what you liked at a kid? Chances are it wasn't flash, let alone a big family party with 30+ people (ugh! I would have fled). Do your simple stuff, don't act like you think it's inadequate, and it won't be. Throughout human history, it has been the simple stuff of childhood that sticks with kids forever, and that they seek to re-create when they become parents.