Would you be annoyed if I disciplined your child? (SN parents especially)

[Delicateflower]

Our neighbors kids are frequently outside unsupervised. One of them has a very significant speech delay (about three years delayed), and maybe an intellectual delay? Both are very very rough. They're four, as is my oldest. I am with my kids and supervising 100% of the time.

How pissed is the neighbor likely to be at my disciplining them in my yard, and in their interactions with my kids? I'm your typical AP disciplinarian. For example "John, we don't throw wood chips. They could get in people's eyes and hurt them." "Jenny, if you bang the door of the playhouse like that again you won't be able to play in there anymore". If they're being intolerable I'll say "You're not playing gently, you need to go in your own yard now".

Should I be ready for fireworks? Should I apologise in advance? I never see the parents, which makes asking a problem. Knocking on their door to discuss it seems a bit of a big deal, like they're some huge problem to me. Is there any way I can be sure the one with a delay even gets what I'm saying? I don't think I could ask less of her, because it's usually a safety issue.

[limabean]

Protecting your kids and property from harm doesn't at all cross the line in terms of disciplining other people's kids, IMO. Especially if the parents aren't around to do it themselves.

[erinsmom1996]

If the kids are playing in your yard with your children and your toys, I believe that gently correcting them or even sending them home if they don't listen is your right. The parents. If you have to tell them the same things over and over again you may want to talk to their parents so they know what is going on and so they can maybe help the children understand what you expect out of them at your house. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, though.

[Ceinwen]

I would be appreciative if another parent stepped in and directed my children (in that way) if they weren't behaving appropriately.

[lizziebits]

I do it to kids all the time in our yard, and I would have no problem with other parents doing it to my son. (Provided they weren't like screaming at them or anything).

[honey-lilac]

If you disciplined *my* kids, I'd be pretty upset.

But.

I would already be the one to discipline my kids. They are VERY wild and exuberant, and I know not everyone is comfortable with that. BUT I am also with them supervising, and they don't get the chance to hurt anyone. Delay or no delay, no one has a right to go into someone's yard and play unsafely.

If other kids were in my yard I am in charge of the situation if the parents are not around. If the other parents are around I'd prefer they take the lead but I will state our rules too if the parents don't seem to care. If this caused a conflict, then I'm sorry, the kids can't play over here. Simple as that.

ETA: If my kids were older and in someone else's yard unsupervised, I'd want to know if they were misbehaving. I wouldn't want the parent to be all gung ho but a friendly chat "between parents" would be just fine. We all face parenting obstacles and I would be happy that another parent cared enough to want our kids to be safe playing together. I would be as friendly as possible, and lighthearted/casual and hopefully they got the message. If they didn't, I would just keep sending the child home.

[cedoreilly]

As a mother with a kid with a language delay, I would not be offended but actually expect that my kid would be talked to or told to leave if they were rough. I would also expect the parents there to tell me that he was being rough so I would in the future make sure I was there if he was playing in the yard (or be told he can't go there any more unless he can play nicely).

[journeymom]

"John, we don't throw wood chips. They could get in people's eyes and hurt them." "Jenny, if you bang the door of the playhouse like that again you won't be able to play in there anymore". If they're being intolerable I'll say "You're not playing gently, you need to go in your own yard now".

Define 'disciplining', you know? All three of these examples are so entirely benign and reasonable.

If you disciplined *my* kids, I'd be pretty upset.

Honey-lilac, would you be upset if another parent told your child any of the things the OP listed in her example?

[moaningminny]

Considering they're only four and playing outside unsupervised, I don't think you should really worry about what the parents would think of you "disciplining" them.

I certainly wouldn't be letting my four year old outside all the time unsupervised, nor would I want them playing over at people's who I don't really know.

I'm guessing the parents wouldn't care that much about it either way. I would just keep doing what you're doing, and if they aren't being nice to your children you have every right to intervene or tell them to go home.

[Delicateflower]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I'm certainly not going to stop doing it, because it's my yard and my kids' safety, but I don't want to put our neighbors too offside.

Originally Posted by honey-lilac

ETA: If my kids were older and in someone else's yard unsupervised, I'd want to know if they were misbehaving. I wouldn't want the parent to be all gung ho but a friendly chat "between parents" would be just fine. We all face parenting obstacles and I would be happy that another parent cared enough to want our kids to be safe playing together. I would be as friendly as possible, and lighthearted/casual and hopefully they got the message. If they didn't, I would just keep sending the child home.

How would you prefer the chat to happen? And what/how should I say it? I did chat to someone yesterday, but I'm not sure who she was and what her relationship to the parents is. There's a lot of coming and going. I think she might have been a putative stepmother? Not sure.

[mamazee]

If my dd is playing in someone's yard, I assume the neighbors might discipline her.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

If they are not there to supervise, I would assume you would be responsible for supervision, and probably even expected to.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Delicateflower

How would you prefer the chat to happen? And what/how should I say it?

If I need to tell another child a one sentence correction such as "don't throw the wood chips" and the child listens then I don't bother to tell the parents. There's no need for a line by line recitation of every conversation that the parents weren't there for.

If, however, there was a bigger issues (the child talked back, or kept doing it, or I had to explain that they would have to leave if they didn't stop throwing wood chips, etc.) then I would seek out the parents and tell them if I had any sort of relationship with them at all.

"I so enjoy having your kids over. There was a little incident today with some wood chips that I thought you needed to know about. I told John not to throw the chips, and he throw a handful of them in my face. That's why I'm bringing him home now. That just can't happen again. It's not safe. I'd love to have him back over, but he needs to understand this rule."

I'd be very nice and try to make it clear that it is a single behavoir that was the problem, and not the whole child.

However, it sounds like these parents are missing in action and talking to them might be impractical.

There's no way of knowing what is going on with the child with special needs without talking to the parents. He may have some hearing lost or problems that make impulse control more difficult. Be clear, try to look him in the eye and speak clearly, and may be use hand motions to communicate. SORRY!

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by erinsmom1996

If the kids are playing in your yard with your children and your toys, I believe that gently correcting them or even sending them home if they don't listen is your right.

, I agree. You're teaching them what appropriate behavior is. That's being a good neighbor.

If it gets to be too much for you, send them home so you get a break.

[moss]

hm, i'm the parent of the special needs child who is always being supervising 100% of the time. The other parents in the neighbourhood very rarely ever supervise their kids. it's usually my kid who is doing 'the wrong thing' and i tend to generalize what i'm saying so that i'm not singling him out. if i singled him out every single time, it looks bad on him, and the other kids pick up on it and single him out too, and he feels bad (and it's not his fault, he's got a social learning disorder!!) it looks a lot like reminding the whole group what the rules for safe, fair play look like. this is the whole point of discipling, right? it's all about teaching, and if done in a gentle non-punative way, with a nice tone of voice, i cant see that anyone would have a problem with it. besides, i figure if the parents are uninvolved enough not to supervise their kids, and their kids want to play with mine, i've got to make sure that there are certain boundaries, etc

ie the kids (usually mine) are roughhousing

me: what are the rules about roughhousing? (i like to ask questions cause kids are smart and dont like being lectured, and respond better when it's 'their idea')

the kids: dont push! play nice! keep your hands to yourself! only wrestle if you want to!

result: my kid stops being too rough...the kids keep playing, everyone is safe and still has fun

[pianojazzgirl]

Sounds like you are handling it perfectly. I certainly don't see any reason why they should be upset in the least. If my kids were over at someone else's house (yard) and I was not there I would definitely hope that the other parent would intervene when necessary. (For me that would also mean that I was 100% sure that the other parent was using GD).

[To-Fu]

Originally Posted by erinsmom1996

If the kids are playing in your yard with your children and your toys, I believe that gently correcting them or even sending them home if they don't listen is your right. The parents. If you have to tell them the same things over and over again you may want to talk to their parents so they know what is going on and so they can maybe help the children understand what you expect out of them at your house. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, though.

I agree. And I also think that the scenarios you describe are pretty benign.

[honey-lilac]

Honey-lilac, would you be upset if another parent told your child any of the things the OP listed in her example?

Nope. Not in the way she described. That's how I parent too. I think I just get touchy when other people try to discipline my kids because I usually try to be right on it myself. But I also think that the OP described normal, well, conversation, towards kids, letting them know rules etc. It's not disciplining. If someone was like, giving my kids a time-out or something, that'd be waaay different.

[Jessy1019]

If they aren't around to do it themselves, how much can they complain? You can't expect a four year old to behave perfectly in every situation, so you have to know if you're leaving them alone with others for a long time, chances are, the supervising adult is going to have to correct them at some point.

I wouldn't worry about it. Do what you need to do to keep your kid and your property safe.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by honey-lilac

But I also think that the OP described normal, well, conversation, towards kids, letting them know rules etc. It's not disciplining. If someone was like, giving my kids a time-out or something, that'd be waaay different.

Now, what I see the OP doing *is* disciplining. A time-out isn't disciplining, it's punishing.

Disciplining is a teaching moment and that is done through talking... explaining that the wood chips can hurt another child even if it seems very benign to just toss them around is just pointing out something the child might not have thought about. I think too many people think that discipline means some sort of punitive action and it just doesn't.

I also think that even if a parent is there, everyone has a right to discipline other children to keep their own safe. If the mother is ignoring that their child is throwing wood chips in my child's face, I will say something to discipline that child... "Billy, please don't throw wood chips in Mary's face - it could get in her eyes and hurt them." If Billy is throwing wood chips in his brother's face, then it's none of my business if the parent is there.

OP - I think you're doing exactly as you should be and if the parents don't want to be there to supervise, it's your duty to discipline the other kids if you observe them doing something dangerous. If the parents choose to punish, it's up to them, but for minor things, I wouldn't even mention it to them.