Would you be annoyed if I disciplined your child? (SN parents especially) - Page 2

[Joyster]

She who pays for the yard equipment calls the tune.

I wouldn't be annoyed at all, especially since you go about it the same way I do. You have a responsibility to your kids and those kids to make sure everyone is playing safely, so redirecting and corrections like that is absolutely fine in my books.

[mamazee]

You know, I don't do time outs (i'm into UP), but if my dd (who is now 8) is playing at someone's house, I would not get upset if that parent gave her a time out. If she's being supervised by someone else, then I am giving up my opportunity to discipline my dd how I want. I would get very upset with anyone who disciplined her in a physical way, but I don't think a time-out crosses the same line a spanking crosses. They give time outs in school and I send her there knowing it, for instance.

It's hard to envision giving up complete control of all aspects of discipline over your kids when they're toddlers, but as they grow up they are not always going to be under your control and they will be in situations where others have to discipline them.

[DaughterOfKali]

The child is there without the parent and without the parent asking you if it's ok.
Seriously, if they have a problem with you telling their child not to do something, then they need to supervise their child properly.

[Tigerchild]

If you disciplined my kids in front of my face without me even having a chance to respond first--yes, I would find that annoying.

If I couldn't be bothered to supervise my children, didn't mind if they ran the neighborhod without me or sent them over to someone's house without even talking about discipline guidelines, and then got peeved over it--then *I* would be the annoying one.

I don't see why you couldn't mention that you talked to the kids about backyard rules if it makes you feel better. That's being kind and proactively communicative. But really I'm going to guess that if the parents don't mind if the kids go over there without even really talking to you first, they either trust you enough to handle things without getting illegal or hurtful, or they're not too terribly worried about other people correcting their kids.

If you think this might be a persistant problem, then I would definitely talk to the parents, just so that if you have to say "I am so sorry but we need to take a break for awhile" it won't be coming out of left field, KWIM? But even then, I don't feel you are obligated to do that.

[phathui5]

If my kids are in your yard, you're welcome to direct them as necessary.

[Just1More]

Personally, I'd tread carefully with the parents, if I didn't know them. You can't be sure how they'll react to their children if they are embarrassed by them or whatever. I am picturing a screaming, shaming, maybe worse, scenerio. Not worth it, IMO.

I would keep doing what you are doing. If the parents get upset, shrug and say, "These are the rules at our house. Your kids are great, but I cannot have them hurting anyone or anything. You are welcome to come supervise."

This is totally not on you.

[peaceful_mama]

Hmmm

Well I have some unsupervised neighbor kids and I've gotten so sick of how they behave toward mine that I have just told my kids to stay away from them. : (I've already decided that if I see them running around in the road and everywhere like I did last summer, I am simply calling CPS to check--there've been enough complaints I think this person should *know* the ones who are supposed to be supervising are NOT doing their job. But that is another thread entirely. And I am NOT a 'call" kind of person, but seriously, these kids are my kids' age, they're *supposedely* being supervised by older siblings, and in reality, they run around all day long in the parking lot or whereever they want to be and you rarely see *anyone* so much as be on the porch watching or anything.) I *used to* be nice and let them come join mine with toys in the yard, it always disintegrated. This year, on our FIRST DAY outside, my kids were out riding bikes with my mom walking and one of them pushed DD off her bike. For NO reason, just because she rode by on the sidewalk. AND--the 'babysitter' stood there and watched it and did *nothing*. We'll be at parks a *lot* this summer. (not to judge, but if MY child did that---you'd see me *do something.* probably make my kid come inside.)

It's an apt. complex, our yards are adjoining, no fences and that sort of thing.

My kids ride bikes outside with me keeping tabs looking out the window sometimes--like if I'm cooking. We're talking they are going up and down the sidewalk, I can see most of the path, and I am physically at the door checking as often as possible.
If my kids were to happen to do something and I didn't see it, I have absolutely NO problem with a neighbor saying something to them, or even coming to me.

I *would* have a problem with a neighbor *punishing* my kid. That's for ME to decide, if it's that serious of an issue, everyone knows where I live, bring the kid to me.
That said, my kids are not typically unsupervised long enough for something that drastic to happen!

Back to the original point, no, i absolutely would not have a problem with someone telling my kid not to throw wood chips or do things that might hurt their toys.
*I* would *want* to know if it was an ongoing problem. Some others might not. (like the neighbor I've given up on, I know the manager has talked to her, other neighbors have tried to talk to her, nothing changes.)

[lonegirl]

I haven't read the other responses....but for me....that is well within my idea of a good thing. I would do the same i children were playing at my house and would expect the same if my child was at someone elses.

[honey-lilac]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

If you disciplined my kids in front of my face without me even having a chance to respond first--yes, I would find that annoying.

If I couldn't be bothered to supervise my children, didn't mind if they ran the neighborhod without me or sent them over to someone's house without even talking about discipline guidelines, and then got peeved over it--then *I* would be the annoying one.

Yes, perhaps she put it in a better way than I did.

And as for discipline vs. punishment, time-outs etc... I rarely give a time out. Maybe once every couple of weeks per child. And it's for purposeful, hurtful actions. The last one I recall was when DS whacked DD on top of the head for something. I mean they playfight all the time but he got angry and he really hurt her. That is far beyond "mischief" or age-appropriate behavior in my mind; it was serious enough to get a punishment. They won't get a time out for things other kids I know get them for - like throwing a tantrum in the store or throwing food on the ground or something. For 99% of issues it's gentle discipline (or to the best I can do it, I'm not perfect yet). But we're not COMPLETELY time-out free either, but it's pretty much a last resort.

I would have a problem with someone else giving my child a time out or other punishment. (Perhaps it's a word-play thing; I think of discipline as punishment, I think of talking as talking, not discipline.) If it was serious enough an offense to merit a punishment, I would want the parent, if at all possible, to notify me and I'd take care of it, if that makes sense. And if it's just a matter of rough play or my child not knowing the rules, then I don't see it as a place for punishment but rather guidance, which it sounds like the OP was doing anyway.

[mrspineau]

I dont think you are crossing any lines at all. You arent being mean, you arent being aggressive, you are being reasonable and if it starts to get out of hand you tell them to go to their own yard. you shouldnt have to put up with bad behaviour in your space that you wouldnt normally allow.

[mattemma04]

I do not feel you are wrong. Those are all things I might comment on.I don't have money to blow on new toys ,or a doctor visit for an eye injury.Sending them home when they do not follow the rules of your home is OK.

If the parents will have issues with this then you can expect the kids to be wandering to other homes and avoiding yours...probably without a comment from the parents.

The parents should be happy a responsible parent is watching their kids.

[savithny]

Originally Posted by honey-lilac

If you disciplined *my* kids, I'd be pretty upset.

But.

I would already be the one to discipline my kids. They are VERY wild and exuberant, and I know not everyone is comfortable with that. BUT I am also with them supervising, and they don't get the chance to hurt anyone. Delay or no delay, no one has a right to go into someone's yard and play unsafely.

If other kids were in my yard I am in charge of the situation if the parents are not around. If the other parents are around I'd prefer they take the lead but I will state our rules too if the parents don't seem to care. If this caused a conflict, then I'm sorry, the kids can't play over here. Simple as that.

ETA: If my kids were older and in someone else's yard unsupervised, I'd want to know if they were misbehaving. I wouldn't want the parent to be all gung ho but a friendly chat "between parents" would be just fine. We all face parenting obstacles and I would be happy that another parent cared enough to want our kids to be safe playing together. I would be as friendly as possible, and lighthearted/casual and hopefully they got the message. If they didn't, I would just keep sending the child home.

So you're saying if your kids go to someone else's house to play, and cause problems or misbehave while they're there, you'd have a problem with the other parent saying "Stop that. Put that down and leave Primo's little sister alone?"

Would you expect me to silently watch your kid jump on my couch, taunt the younger siblings, or trash my kids toys -- and then just bring it up in a friendly chat afterwards? "Hey, so while he was here, your son shoved my son's little sister over and took her bucket." or "Your son jumped on the sofa. I politely asked him once to stop, but he laughed and kept doing it, and I know you don't like other parents to discipline your kids. Anyway, he kicked the arm of the sofa and broke it. That's against our house rules, so could you talk to him about it?"

Because when I think about "Disciplining other children" I dont' think "I'm going to spank every kid who comes over and looks at me funny," or whatever you think is going on. I enforce house rules, including not abusing any members of the household either physically or verbally, not using age-inappropriate media, using toys appropriately. I'm not going to shame or hit your kid -- but I am going to tell him our house rules and tell him to stop breaking them -- FIRMLY if necessary.