Do I need to let this go, or talk to the relatives?

[mom2ponygirl]

Okay, I probably feel worse right now because dd, 11 is so sick and miserable right now, but I gotta vent somewhere!

My MIL has had a very close relationship with my daughter. They used to spend several hours, several times a week together. Nana has been a loving influence on my daughter. This past year they have spent less time. Dd has returned to school half-time (used to homeschool) so we generally see Nana once a week at our house for dinner and occasional drives to the doctor, other family visiting dinners, etc. Nana is getting older with some serious health issues (87). She has decided to move out of state to live with her oldest daughter and now we won't be able to see her very often. She is moving away from her church, her remaining friends, and in with a son-in-law that she always told us she didn't want to live around anymore. The decision is sudden and she didn't discuss with anyone but her daughter, not my husband or the other brother and sister. She will be helping her daughter buy a house. We have tried to talk with her about finding other options in the area since she no longer needs to live alone. We've offered for her to move in with us and we would add on to the house, to pay for home health aids, etc. She won't talk about it and we are trying to accept that we won't see her much after this month.

A few years ago my dd was given an older upright piano by a concert pianist. She felt that my dd had a kindred artist's spirit and that she would feel happy to know that a favorite old piano (not her main practice pianos of course) would go to someone who would play it. Her Nana offered to keep it at her house until we had room. After we had room, we found that Nana really liked having it in her house and we said if she liked it there we would just let it stay as long as she liked. This past year my dd has not been up to play much as she is busy with school and has a keyboard at home. Well, Nana's daughter has decided to take the piano with them and neither one ever spoke to my daughter about it. She is so hurt that they wouldn't realize that it holds a connection for her to her Nana, and that it represents a special moment with a concert pianist. Nana's daughter is also our dd's godmother so that hurts as well. My husband does not want to confront them about the piano as we can afford to buy another. For me, it is not about the piano, I just think they need to apologize to dd for not considering her feelings at all!

So, do I just let it go - do I talk to them and express that I think it would be good for them to apologize to her? I don't want to insist on the piano and then it become an issue for decades about how we made a fuss over a stupid piano. I don't want to insist on an apology that won't be made either (dh says they would never apologize - at least not sincerely). I've had a good relationship with my MIL. I like her very much. My sister-in-law (dd's godmother) moved away about 8 years ago and we don't see her very often. I've never had any issues with her, we're just not close.

Sigh.....I'm so sad to lose MIL and now this stupid little hurt feels even worse.

So, let it go?

[chaoticzenmom]

Is the piano gone/moved yet? If not, I'd definitely call and remind them that it's your daughter's piano and that you'll be coming to get it as agreed long ago. Maybe they just don't remember, or the godmother didn't realize it wasn't your MIL's.. If you mention it, you have to be prepared to go over there and get it.

For your daughter's sake, I'd go get it. It's special to her and she's hurt. She'll benefit from seeing you be assertive here. If you don't do it, you're going to feel a pang of anger and hurt every time you think about it.

Lisa

[laohaire]

Yeah, just do it, don't make a big fuss, just say "when is convenient to come pick up DD's piano?" If they say "oh, we're moving it here" just give everyone the benefit of the doubt and say "oh, I think Nana might have forgotten, it's DD's piano but she enjoyed having it at her house for a while. It's special to DD so we'll get a truck and get that all settled." Just like no big deal, people probably didn't know/forgot - but don't ASK, just DO. Don't say "It's important to DD, can she have it back?" Just "when is a convenient time for us to pick it up?"

[HeatherAtHome]

Yeah, I agree with PPs. My mom is trying to get rid of some of the larger pieces of furniture in her home now that most of us kids have moved out. I was supposed to get the piano as it was always considered mine but somehow one of my sisters is insistent that it's hers. Never mind that it had already been settled, she said right in front of me this past weekend that she was going to have someone move it up a flight of stairs into her APARTMENT. Ok, whatever.

It sucks to have other people come right in and take something away from you with such disregard for your feelings. If it's your DD's piano, take it!

[LauraLoo]

I agree with the pp's. Just get it.

In the long run, your dd's feelings about this will be more important than what you *may* have to endure with your MIL and SIL. I realize that there is a lot going on with your MIL and moving away, but if you can focus on that it's your dd's piano, it was given to her under special circumstances and she wants it back hopefully that will carry you through any negativity.

[russsk]

For your DD's sake, you need to speak up and get the piano. My mom let a lot of little things go for the sake of maintaining the peace, but it was often at my expense and I haven't forgotten the hurt that caused. Your relationship with your DD is more important than your relationship with your SIL, so I would definitely speak up.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I would say something. But I am usually the one to ruffle feathers. Especially where my children are concerned.

[New_Natural_Mom]

That is your daughter's piano. And, honestly, it sounds like at 87 your mother is experiencing some dementia. If this is all coming out of the blue and she is entering into a situation she previously said that she didn't want to do, there is something else going on. This sister from far away and BIL sound like there could be some financial incentive for having your mom move there. If the move hasn't happened yet I would get all the children and sit down with mom and talk about what is going on. Then I would get power of attorney or some document that says sis she is (potentially) moving in with doesn't have full control of her finances/medical decisions just in case.

I have seen ugly, ugly things when parents get older and the children come sniffing like vultures. I've seen it in my extended fam with my gma and with my DH's family.

But in no way would I let that piano go. It is your daughters. Period.

[nola79]

I would definitely say something, and go get it

[sanguine_speed]

Get the piano for your daughter! It doesn't matter if it's uncomfortable for you. She needs to see you standing up for her.

[Viola]

I agree with everyone else.

And my mother is going to be 84 in May. About 4 years ago she suffered a fall and no one would help her as she needed, so she abruptly made the decision to move from Virginia to Texas, then was so unhappy there that she made the decision to move back to a senior living place in Virginia. She keeps making these decisions quickly, without talking to anyone about it much. I think she feels like she needs to have some control, or something, I don't know.

I don't think your MIL is really thinking right now, but yes, speak up and let your SIL know that it is your daughter's piano.

[LROM]

Originally Posted by sanguine_speed

Get the piano for your daughter! It doesn't matter if it's uncomfortable for you. She needs to see you standing up for her.

Absolutely that.

[Magelet]

I agree with the PP's.

Not only will you feel better about standing up for your daughter, and she will have the piano which has such precious memories, she needs to see you standing up for her. If she doesn't see you standing up for her and for yourself, she will have a hard time standing up for herself. (DP is struggling with this. His parents rarely stood up for him, or themselves and now is having a hard time learning to stand up for himself)

[DirtRoadMama]

I, too, agree with everyone else. I play the piano, and had my piano been given or taken away, I would have never forgiven those who did it, and if I knew that my parents might have done something, but didn't, oh, that would make it so many times worse.

Speaking from my experience (your DD's mileage may vary), a piano become a very intimate thing. It it one of the few instruments I've played that lets you "feel" the music as you play it. Because it doesn't take a lot of force to press the keys, you can feel the reverberation of the song through your fingers, and the more you get into it, through your whole body. The more you play it, the more the piano becomes "yours". It becomes intrusive when other people play it, let alone try to lay claim to it, before you allow it.

Ok, long way of saying, for the love of everything, go get the thing. Do not ask. Just do.

Good luck!!!

[Storm Bride]

Is there any way you can find out if there's any elder abuse going on? This whole thing sounds strange. It almost sounds like her SIL (or her daughter) are pulling some kind of emotional blackmail or coercion or something.

And, hell, yeah - I'd get the piano back! It's not nana's, and it's definitely not her daughter's. It belongs to your dd. Period. Full stop.

Take the tack that the rest of the people here have suggested, and hopefully things will work out okay. If it didn't, I would probably get the police involved. It's one thing if they don't know the piano's background, but if they do know it, this is simple theft.

[Fuamami]

I wish you'd try to get more involved in her decision to move!

This exact same thing happened to my great-aunt. She lived within walking distance to my grandmother and they were and had always been very close sisters emotionally. She was entrenched in the community and her church, she had a beautiful home that she had decorated herself and was very organized (she was very particular about that), and she knew all her doctors and her way around.

Her daughter asked her to move in with her a few towns away because she couldn't afford to build a house on her own. She had a 2500 sq ft condo and she was going to get one bedroom and a shared bathroom in the daughter's home. As the date got closer and closer and she was supposed to be packing, she got sicker and sicker, losing weight and having all kinds of health problems, until she ended up with pneumonia and died.

And then, my grandmother was so grief-stricken and lonesome for her, she became very depressed and gave up on her fight against ovarian cancer, which was in remission, and died a few months later.

Will your dh call his sister and see if it has to happen?

[DirtRoadMama]

Bumpity-bump-bump!

Did you get the piano back?

[DirtRoadMama]

Bump for another update? I'm chewing on my nails over here!!!