How to forgive?

[BedHead]

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Edited by BedHead - 11/30/10 at 3:48pm

[Pepper44]

I was in a similar situation. It was (and still is a couple years later) a work in progress to forgive and regain trust.

For me the choice of whether to move forward or leave was DH's reaction. He was truly remorseful and broken over what had happened (and he fully acknowledged his own idiocy and hurtful actions.) He actually wanted to change and rebuild our relationship together. If he hadn't have been so upset himself then it would have been impossible for me to even consider trying to find forgiveness.

I felt like I had periods where everything was ok, and then other times I would suddenly be angry at DH, or heartbroken again because one little thing would remind me...

The most surprising thing I found was lack of support from other friends and family. It was difficult to move forward in our relationship and work on forgiveness and healing when I had the exact opposite of support from well meaning friends. I actually lost friends over it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is! If it gives you any hope a couple of years later DH and I have a better relationship than we've ever had, and I can go days without thinking of what he did. I can't say enough for marriage counseling in this sort of situation!!

[BedHead]

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Edited by BedHead - 11/30/10 at 3:48pm

[Tummy]

I cannot comment on your exact situation, however I can offer my opinion about forgiveness and resentments....

I have had a VERY HARD TIME with forgiveness concerning a few ppl in the past few years. I have realized that my feelings for these particular ppl have turned to RAGE! My partner is in a 'program', he is very wise and always has wonderful words of compassion and incite!

One thing he told me that I have actually tried and it works is... PRAY FOR THAT PERSON!

I am not a religious person, Pagan in fact, so "praying" does not come naturally to me in the sense that when I hear the word I vision sitting on my knees, hands clasped on the bed, whispering words to G*D.

I find it easiest when I am in the truck to 'pray' for these people. My prayers always go along these lines:
Dear Universe, I pray that you give XXXXX the strength they need in this life, I pray that they have a life full of contentment, love, joy, understanding, happiness, forgiveness, etc...

I can say that it helps ME! I could care less how they are feeling inside, but this 'prayer' has helped ME in dealing with what has happened. It has truly helped me let go of much of my resentment. Believe you me, I am still angry and resentful, but when I feel my emotions transferring into RAGE, I stop and pray for those ppl who have caused the suffering in my heart!

[fierrbugg]

I completely agree w/ the pp's. Prayer if you're religious (and even if you're not) helped me alot. And just because you forgive doesn't mean you agree to stop working through it and never bring it up again. I also devoured everything I could find about infidelity both online and in book form. Some of it enraged me and some of it made sense.

It took me five months after dh's affair ended to forgive him - and I hated that it took me 'so long' to do it. I'm a little controlling. That's not to say that there's a specific timeline here. For me it was about retrusting and giving up control of my emotional well-being again to someone who at least for a certain period of time didn't deserve to have that from me. I said I forgave way before I did in my heart - because that's what you do, right? You forgive not for them, but for you . . . only mostly I just wanted to rake him over the coals over and over and over again. I still have those impulses. I don't think that forgiveness means that you condone the behavior or your feelings of betrayal stop right there. For me it was more about taking a breath and deciding to move forward with the healing I needed to do for me and to let go of the burden of being so vindictive. I still get angry. I still want to smack him. I still have impulses to chuck it and leave him. I'd still run her over with my car . . . .

Imho, it's important that you're in counseling. We can't afford counseling right now so, we chose to join an amazing marriage mentoring group that is headed by two amazing couples from our church. This group has blessed us many times over and allowed us to make connections with other couples who are struggling too. Mostly it's allowed dh to see the damage that he did to us (as if he didn't already know) and grow and reclaim himself. Sometimes I can say things until I'm blue in the face, but hearing how another couple is struggling with the same thing has created so many opportunities for us to discuss what happened and how we're going to move forward.

and Best of Luck to you.

[diamond lil]

I have been in your shoes in a very similar situation. I'm not a big fan of forgiving and forgetting. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it seems to me forgiveness in today's society seems like a free pass. Forgiveness does not always wipe the slate clean, nor should it. What I have learned, however, is to live with the fallout/consequences, etc. It gets better over time, but the kernel of that pain, the betrayal, the wound, never completely goes away. I just don't believe that we as humans can let something go 100%, like *poof* it never even happened. These experiences are a part of what makes us human. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that its ok to feel pissed off, and well, for lack of a better word, shitty. The self help books won't tell you that. But we soldier on and still find joy in life. Sorry if that is rambling, but I hear you and know where you are coming from.