How has TTC effected your relationship w SO

[trekkingirl]

I'm so happy! I never thought the day would come when my DH would finally agree with me about another baby. Being able to talk with him about all the stuff that goes along with it has been incredible. The BDing has improved too ( though it was great before ), and not just in a physical way but emotionaly too. I'm so happy. It's like it was when we first met 11 years ago! I have been feeling so in love that I just wanted to share with yall and hear about your experiences. How has TTC effected your relationships? Anybody else feel the same way I do? I wrote about this in TTC in our 20's and didn't get any response so I thought I would throw it out there for all the TTCers.

[Mama~Love]

I feel a lot closer to DH than before. I've told him that I felt like we were roommates instead of a married couple. Prior to this past November, we'd only BD like 1-2 times a year, if that. It has changed dramatically now, of course.

[trekkingirl]

wow, that's awesome. I have been on cloud nine. I was thinking about that a lot today. I wonder if couples who have been trying unsuccessfully for a long time have the opposite results from TTC. It is only my second cycle now so I am enjoying every moment. I'm praying for those couples too.

[Tulpen88]

Your description sounds so much like the way I have felt recently. I definitely feel even more in love with him these days. Sometimes the feeling I get reminds me of when we were first dating. I don't remember feeling this way when TTC the first time.

[HopefulJo]

I'll pipe in.

DH & I have a great, wonderful relationship. We decided for me to kick the BC habit last September. The first two months, I wasn't charting or anything, and we were excited at the prospect of "any day now" and our secret TTC project. Nov and Dec we weren't feeling as well, and holidays were busy, so we wrote those months off to bad timing. I started charting in Dec, and in Jan, we think I might have had a chemical pregnancy, but I'm not a big POAS-er, so I never got a BFP to confirm it. Our hopes were up, though. In Feb, DH was stressed at work, so I wasn't pushy about BDing during my fertile time, when I could tell he was super tired, and our timing was bad that month. He was upset I wasn't more clear about communicating when he needed to "be involved". Last month, our timing was great, but no luck.

All that to say, at the beginning of this TTC journey, we were excited and hopeful, and our relationship was strengthened at the prospect of moving toward the next stage in our life: parenthood. All of that is still true, but now we're on cycle #8, and I'm getting more discouraged (or more realistic?), and he doesn't know what to do to make it better.

Is it affecting our relationship? Not yet, but I could see how longer-term infertility could definitely strain a marriage, because these hopes and plans the couple is making together keep getting put on hold.

Good discussion question!

ETA: I just realized this sounds all discouraging... these months have strengthened our relationship as we've been through the ups and downs together. We're on this journey together, as a team, just as with everything else, and the TTC journey is yet another things we're learning to tackle together. "Doing life together" is my favorite part of being married, and this is a new stage, a new adventure.

[MaerynPearl]

DF and I tried for 2 years, but we are in a special situation and we were only together for 7 cycles out of those 2 years where our time together aligned with ovulation.

It didnt tear us apart, didnt make us closer... didnt really do anything to our relationship. It just seemed like the natural thing for us to do.

Now that I am pregnant though he is extremely sweet and caring (as opposed to really sweet and caring before I got pregnant lol)

No longer do I get the... are you sure? You wanted to lose weight but if you are sure then okay... when I suggest a hot fudge sundae after supper.

Now its OH! That sounds great! and he rushes out the door to get it.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

I feel a lot closer to DH than before. I've told him that I felt like we were roommates instead of a married couple. Prior to this past November, we'd only BD like 1-2 times a year, if that. It has changed dramatically now, of course.

This is us.

TTC raises my libido like crazy...it's weird.

[lesliesara63]

At the beginning I think we were both so excited that we were DTD much more often and feeling that excited feeling. After months and months of ttc though, not so much. Now we're both stressed about IF treatments. We fight about sex sometimes and are just generally stressed. I am anyways. I just want to have this one more baby and never again have our sex life and ttc conected again.

[trekkingirl]

I decided right away when DH told me he was ready for the third child I've always wanted, that I am going to enjoy the freedom of unprotected sex without worry. It's really hard though. I know for best results I should be charting. We should make sure to BD on the right days of my cycle. The thing is, I am an unplanner. Easy for me to say since this is my second cycle, right.
I know it's all in God's perfect plan. I love that saying, "let go and let God." I think if we don't end up PG within a reasonable amount of time I will be singing a different tune. As for now I am just enjoying spring because love is in the air.

[Phantaja]

It didn't at first but after a few years and the medical procedures and drugs, things are getting a little harder. We still have the same abount of sex that we always did, but now he starts getting nervous when my period is due. Every tummy ache he asks (or informs me) if I am pregnant. If I can't sleep, it's insomnia...because I'm pregnant. If I'm in a bad mood, it's the femara, and before that, the clomid. EVERYTHING means that I'm pregnant. It's frustrating because he even makes these proclaimations when I'm at, say, CD 6...and the bleeding is barely tapering off.

[Spinnerette]

TTC has been great for us so far. I mean, it's only been a couple of months of actively trying, but we've been talking about having our first baby since last fall.

We've always had an amazing sex life, hardly going more than one full day without doing it.. if we do, we tend to get snippy with each other and feel disconnected from one another - so more sex, and with an additional purpose, is really good for us.

My sweetie is also very active and interested in fertility awareness and charting and we're having a lot of fun with it- we're both giant nerds.

All in all this is has been really positive thing, and I find that it's kind of brought out a more concerned, nuturing side of my husband, and it's really endearing to see.

[Megan73]

Originally Posted by lesliesara63

I just want to have this one more baby and never again have our sex life and ttc conected again.

This.
It's not that TTC sex is terrible - quite the opposite. Given that I make him have sex for 10 days in a row it's surprisingly fun. And we haven't had trouble getting BFPS - conceiving in our 30s the first month three times and second month with our living son.
It's just that we've weathered so many losses together that there's always going to be some sadness there until our family is complete. I'll always think, will this lovemaking mean a baby - or another heartbreaking loss?
I had zero libido while fully nursing my son so most of the sex we've had since he was born has been to TTC.
I'd just like to have sex because we feel like it - or not have sex because we don't - and not have it feel so loaded.

[kalamos23]

Initially - it was great to not have to have protection. It was new and exciting to have to TTC... now - it's like a nightmare. We're definitely closer, but I don't wish losses or more than 1-3m TTC on anyone - it's just heartbreaking.

[rhiandmoi]

Originally Posted by HopefulJo

"Doing life together" is my favorite part of being married, and this is a new stage, a new adventure.

This.

We have been TTC for 18+ months and while we have had squabbles and tears in that time, I don't think other than some of the topics of the squabbles have been about TTC, that TTC is really affecting our relationship. I think that one thing that helps is that while we both do want a baby, we don't really want to try so hard that it stops being fun. If we don't feel like it we don't do it, but we try to get in the mood at the right time, . But I think what really helps is that my DH is the most laid back person on the planet (except about baseball ) and nothing bothers him. So even though we've been at it a while, and we both get tired after 3, 4, or 5 days in a row, he's just fine with whatever happens happens.

[TheDivineMrsM]

Initially it was really hard on us. None of my friends were at the TTC stage in their relationships, so I had no one to talk to. DH didn't get it; he figured that "we'll just BD a lot" and "it'll be easy." We told our families we were TTC (BIG mistake) so I had to deal with tons of "helpful tips." I found the first months to be a frustrating, lonely process.

And one night I cracked. I just started sobbing to DH about how alone I felt, and he got the hint. He read a book and started to really understand what was happening biologically. We started to talk more about what we were thinking and feeling. He can even read my chart! When AF showed up, it was still hard, but knowing I could talk to him helped.

My friends still didn't get it, so I stopped talking to them about anything TTC related. DH and I relied entirely on each other in our excitement, fear, disappointment, and joy, when we got a BFP on 4/1.

It's made us stronger. I always considered DHto have been one of my best friends. That's gone out the window now. DH has become my best best friend, and no one else comes close.

[HopefulJo]

Related: a study on how TTC or infertility affects relationships on Slate: http://www.slate.com/id/2250361/?from=rss

[trekkingirl]

looks like there are a lot of mixed feelings depending on the relationship. I agree with sex being "loaded" now and that me and DH are totally alone in this adventure. He has become more sensitive and compassionate, and a lot more positive about the future. I think he has felt "performance anxiety" for the first time in our eleven year relationship. I told him today that I don't really care too much if our timing is perfect, if it was meant to happen it will. He has always been and will always be my best friend.

[MaerynPearl]

it is VERY common for men to feel performance anxiety...

definitely not unique to him... it is actually brought up as a problem in this forum somewhat often... the best suggestion is to always DTD even when not in your fertile time. Sure, maybe not as often, but make sure to DTD regularly and not let him know when its baby making and when its just because you love him.... make it be just because you love him all the time ^_^

of course, it basically sounds like you already did that... just adding this tip for any others who may be having the same issue.

It is NOT bad at all to leave the SO in the dark about your cycles IF you know he is 100% on board for TTC and he is having issues with performance.

[trekkingirl]

good advice

[annablue]

It hasn't changed too much yet. Then again, we haven't been TTC for that long. I try not to make a big deal about it because I don't want him to feel like I'm just "using him" to make a baby, or that's the only reason we're being intimate.