Unprepared to be Questioned! HELP

[zapzipzee]

We waited until the second trimester to tell anyone we are having a baby. After they figured out we were serious (we told Easter, but they thought it was an April Fools), they wanted to know what hospital, what doctor, what the doctor has said, how I know when it's due, if I'm taking vitamins, eating fish, exercising, etc...

I'm really not good dealing with people pressuring me to do things, which is part of why I and doing UP/UC. I was NOT expecting any of these questions. I dont like having to justify my actions to people, I usually end up just saying whatever pops into my head.

What did you say when people (especially your parents, who gave birth in Hospitals - my mother is even anti-midwife, which I totally wasn't expecting) questioned you?

Thanks!

ETA: I had lunch with my mom and aunt today. They were both all for me going to the doctor and getting prenatals. I explained that I am eating healthy and keeping track of what I eat in a computer program so I KNOW what I am getting. I've also been over and over with my mom with the issue of taking multivitamins and them not being monitored and interferring with the absorption of the vitamins they contain. My aunt actually said that when they had babies they were not informed of anything and just did what they were told. She said we have alot more information available to us these days. My mom actually agreed!!!!!!! I couldn't beleive it.

I wanted to just let people think what they wanted or tell them what they wanted to hear but my DH doesn't want to. And I feel completely rude pretty much telling them its none of their business. They're our baby's grandparents, and they just want it to be healthy. How do I get them to listen and not TELL me what I need to do to have a healthy baby. It isn't like I'm 15 and dont know how to do research! I have a MASTERS DEGREE! They have high school diplomas from the 70's! Alot has changed.

[zoebird]

well, i suppose this has a lot to do with you and your family and how you relate. for some families, it's best to have an answer like "everything is going great; we're very healthy and taking good care of ourselves; please pass the bean dip."

for others, honesty is better and being clear about boundaries.

i have no problem not giving into pressure. so, i am honest and hold my boundaries. but for others, this is not the right path.

[shishkeberry]

I'm not a good liar...well, sometimes I can be and sometimes I can't. So I usually tell the truth when asked. I don't care what they think. So far no one has asked about where I'm having this baby except for those that were supportive. Or at the very least not antagonistic about it. My mother tried to change my mind about it (by saying that hospitals were sterile, of all things -- I laughed when she said that), but I told her that this is what I want to do and I live literally five blocks from a hospital anyway.

My only problem is that everyone and their mother on my DP's side keeps asking when I'm going to see the doctor and get a u/s so they know the gender. DP's grandmother wants to make a blanket so I can see why she's bugging us about it. I think they're all just assuming that I will give birth in the hospital in town.

[boheime]

"We aren't discussing our plans" or "We are keeping our medical care private"

[belchers1]

With my last pregnancy / birth, I lied - a lot. I would tell people whatever I thought they would want to hear. Afterward, I would feel very angry and resentful that I didn't stand up and exlaim what I felt was right. This time around, I'm being honest from the get-go. I suppose you could say that I've developed more confindence. That, and I've dealt with crap from others, so I feel the need to defend myself.

[mamaofthree]

i always said "things are going great!" which isn't a lie, it was true.

h

[born2birth]

I have no intention of telling my family or friends that we are going with UC. I have people in that circle who will cause issues for me with children services (I know this for a fact because they have called on me before with false claims because they get mad that I don't vax among other crunchy mama things)

I plan on telling them all is going well & when baby comes ~ oops we didn't make it to the hospital.

This is something between me and my husband ... family & friends who obviously can't do the research themselves before bashing me can eat it.

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by shishkeberry

My only problem is that everyone and their mother on my DP's side keeps asking when I'm going to see the doctor and get a u/s so they know the gender. DP's grandmother wants to make a blanket so I can see why she's bugging us about it. I think they're all just assuming that I will give birth in the hospital in town.

Grandma can make a yellow or green blanket. That's what my "adopted" grandma did. I still have it, 21 years later for when the "baby" gets married and has his own kids. I would just let them assume. The one thing that helped the most, is I told anyone who had concerns (who what when) is "I have done a LOT of research and barring any reason to go elsewhere, this is the healthiest and safest route for us and the baby." Never leave it open for discussion... (and If you haven't done the research, now is the time...we even had a social worker show up on our doorstep at 2 days postpartum(someone had called that there was a baby born there) and I was able to tell her about our prenatal care, and responsible homebirth...she thought I was a doctor and told me so!

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by born2birth

I have no intention of telling my family or friends that we are going with UC. I have people in that circle who will cause issues for me with children services (I know this for a fact because they have called on me before with false claims because they get mad that I don't vax among other crunchy mama things)

Great plan...some people are better off not knowing

I plan on telling them all is going well & when baby comes ~ oops we didn't make it to the hospital.

I love it!

This is something between me and my husband ... family & friends who obviously can't do the research themselves before bashing me can eat it.

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by boheime

"We aren't discussing our plans" or "We are keeping our medical care private"

that's an excellent answer!

[zapzipzee]

Ugh. Just got of a 25 minute phone conversation with my mom. She called to tell me a baby name, then proceded to ask where it says that I'm allowed to not see a doctor when I am pregnant (she doesn't know we're UCing) and dont I want to do everything possible to make sure that the baby is healthy? And I thought we were making progress....

I emailed her a link to Laura Shanley's UP page, and her interview on UC, but I dont think she's going to drop it. Any suggestions? I am about ready to tell her that if she cant be supportive and simply just ask questions nicely to understand, then to please not talk about it.

[CherryBombMama]

i have just been very ... mysterious ... about my birthing option to my mom. in the back of her head, im sure she knows that i will UC. although she would completely prefer for me to be in the hospital, i know she is trying to convince herself that i will *at least* be getting a midwife.

i kinda go along with it with out lying .. i say we have a few midwifes in our area (which we do,) i say that i believe midwives are very important (which they are, just not for this birth,) and I say that everything is going good (which it is!)

she keeps saying things, though, like, "are you just going to stay home until the baby "accidently" comes out? cuz i just know you are..."

=D

[zapzipzee]

Refuses to listen

Originally Posted by zapzipzee

I emailed her a link to Laura Shanley's UP page, and her interview on UC, but I dont think she's going to drop it. Any suggestions? I am about ready to tell her that if she cant be supportive and simply just ask questions nicely to understand, then to please not talk about it.

Her response to this is that that woman is very blessed by God to have babies, and any other person, the babies and mom would have died.

I'm too the point where I just want to tell her what she wants to hear. DH is still very much against this...why, I'm not sure.

[zoebird]

lol well, you can tell your mom that i did a UP/UC like that blessed lady, and that a lot of women do, and we are not dead. nope, not dead at all.

this cracked me up--

where it says that I'm allowed to not see a doctor when I am pregnant

i'm so confused by this statement i don't know where to begin. first of all, what rule book is she using where one would look up what one is "allowed" or "not allowed" to do in any given circumstance? and then, i would like to know who wrote and published this book where i can go and look and see "where it says" that i'm allowed or not allowed to do something. LOL

at the end of the day, you just have to find a way to tell her where your boundary is. i told my parents when they brought up the "don't you want the baby to be healthy" line that it is my top priority, as well as my own health, and that is the basis for this decision. i explained how prenatal care doesn't create better outcomes (according to the statistics), and how hospital care and even midwifery can interfere and cause damage to mothers and infants. therefore, i was choosing this method because it is the safest.

clear, logical arguments might work.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

I'm planning a uc when i have my next baby but not a up but then here you don't see the mw much anyway so it's not much of interference for me also i will be wanting my maternity grant to buy some washable nappies and couple of nice slings/wraps and the mw or dr. has to sign the form for this.
I'd just say everything is ok, i'm lucky in the fact that no one has ever asked how my antenatel care is going etc and as for the birth people will probably just assume i'm having a homebirth with a mw and this is what i will let them bellieve i'm actually going to book my homebirth with the mw so i at least can phone at last minuite and then say oops, as i'm not quite sure of the laws here plus if i get cold feet because i am very irrational person at times loll.
you seem to me a very informed person and very knowledgeable, you know you are doing whats best and i'm sure when baby is born all lovely, happy and healthy they will see this too.

[mrs_mandolini]

It sounds like your mom is not going to be happy with your decision no matter how much research you give her.. perhaps it's time to set a boundary such as " I know you disagree, but this is what we have chosen. I think it would be better if we stop talking about this topic and just agree to disagree." Repeat as needed..

[WeasleyMum]

Originally Posted by shishkeberry

My only problem is that everyone and their mother on my DP's side keeps asking when I'm going to see the doctor and get a u/s so they know the gender. DP's grandmother wants to make a blanket so I can see why she's bugging us about it.

I had this problem even though I had a pretty standard hospital birth, just because we weren't finding out the gender! Some people thought it was cool, some were annoyed but understanding, but most people were downright TICKED OFF that I wasn't finding out boy or girl... for them. (One of my coworkers actually suggested that I have my doctor or nurse call her with the information, so that she could know even though *I* didn't want to! And she was serious.) Actually if I had known how many people would be annoyed by that decision, I'd have not-found-out just for that.

I guess this ramble is to point out that you can always just say that you aren't finding out the gender-- which is true and plenty of people don't even if they're having ultrasounds etc-- without mentioning that you aren't having u/s, doctors, or hospitals either.

P.S. My mom knitted a blanket in neutral tones. She brought it with her when she came to visit during DS's first week, and crocheted a blue border onto it. It's lovely.

[zapzipzee]

ah ha!

Originally Posted by zoebird

at the end of the day, you just have to find a way to tell her where your boundary is. i told my parents when they brought up the "don't you want the baby to be healthy" line that it is my top priority, as well as my own health, and that is the basis for this decision. i explained how prenatal care doesn't create better outcomes (according to the statistics), and how hospital care and even midwifery can interfere and cause damage to mothers and infants. therefore, i was choosing this method because it is the safest.

Zoebird: Thank You! This is what I'm going to tell her the next time she brings it up...or anyone for that matter. Now for searching for those statistics as I know she'll want to see them for herself! Thanks!

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by zapzipzee

Zoebird: Thank You! This is what I'm going to tell her the next time she brings it up...or anyone for that matter. Now for searching for those statistics as I know she'll want to see them for herself! Thanks!

You could also point out that putting a bunch of extra stress on the mom-to-be isn't in the baby's best interests, either. I'm astonished at how many people think that harassing a pregnant woman is good for the baby!

[zoebird]

good call there, stormbride!

it is true that the pressure and stress is known to be unhealthy for the baby. and there are articles that assert that the 'scare tactics' of prenatal care, are actually detrimental. i can't remember the title of the article, though.

anyway, it's good to have a few one-liners.