Haven't been here in a while...about to be a single mama *again*

[CookieMonsterMommy]

So I'll be completely honest with you and myself....while I always wanted 3-5 kids and dislike the fact that my ds (11yrs old) has been an only child, and as much as I relished hearing the baby's heartbeat at the ultrasound yesterday, and I find myself daydreaming about names and layettes and breastfeeding and parading my big ol' belly around...


...this isn't how I wanted it.

2 kids so far apart in age, with different dads...never married. I'm dating this baby's father, but the relationship is rocky at best. And while he's a great guy, we have some major differences in parenting and other stuff...plus he has 2 sons with his ex wife and pays a ton in CS to her every month. So not only is that a bit of a financial burden (not to call his kids a burden!) for us, but if he and I are to decide not to stay together, I'll be entitled to a whopping 4% of his salary. What's that going to provide us with?

I know no pregnancy is *perfect*, and I was willing to make sacrafices to my ideals (for example, w/it being unplanned, I am okay with not eating great the first few weeks, and with the cravings I have and my budget, I'm okay with not being able to eat primarily organic, and I'm okay with having to "homebirth" in an apartment...although optimally I'd have planned it out, started vitamins preconception, have been a home owner, etc).

But I'm really NOT okay with my baby's father not living with us. I'm not okay with the idea of him/her seeing daddy once or twice a month. I'm not okay with being in such an unstable relationship. I'm not okay with the idea of having to coordinate visitation, vacations and holidays with 3 different families (mine, DS's dad and this baby's father). I'm not okay with the fact that this will probably be another "only" child--because lets face it, my ds, at 11 yrs old, is an only child. I'm not okay with this being my last baby either. I'm not okay with having to emotionally support my BF and deal w/his mood swings and fears and apprehension while simultaneously trying to rein in my emotions and remain positive. (I swear to god if I have to hear how *he* wasn't ready for this one more time....grrrr)

I'm VERY not okay with most likely having to return to work shortly after the birth.

And yes, I'll admit it that it bothers me that I'm going to have 2 kids with 2 different last names (who will look completely different), and I'll probably never have had either of their last names. Ftr, this is not a judgement on anyone else, this is my own personal thing for me.

I guess I kind of have to just get okay with it, right?

I've ruled out abortion. I am very prochoice, and I've made mine. I am overall positive about this pregnancy, if you can believe that. But as soon as I start to think past November (due date), that's when it gets very muddy and scary for me.

I guess this is just a vent more than anything. And maybe a warning that you'll be seeing me 'round these parts more often I'm sure.

Thanks for listening. It's 4am and I am dealing with a serious craving (lol) and pregnancy induced insomnia at the moment. Not to mention, of course, the hormones.

[Theia]

Thanks for the warning.

Seriously though, feel free to come here for support. There's lots of wise women here that can help you navigate your new life. Hang in there, some how it all works out, even when we can't see beyond a certain moment.

And congratulations on your new LO.

[PoppyMama]

It's ok to be bummed about the circumstances and it's ok to be pissy about the whole situation, doesn't mean you don't love the little one. Have you thought about letting the whole relationship be what it is and not fighting it. I basically mean refusing to be responsible or participate in your partners issues. Like...."Sorry, but I'm dealing with myself and my issues and the person growing inside of me I don't have the energy to make things ok for you".

[MsChatsAlot]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this right now. I am wishing you some peace as you work your way through this.

[meemee]

kelly - if you are who i think you are - i am so sorry that this is the plate life has handed you. i can totally relate to you because i wanted more kids but with a dad and not without one.

i am so sorry girl. i know life is HARD, but you have spunk. you will just take all this under your wings and move on.

however i will say this much. dont expect this one to be your only either. age difference might not be what you think it could be. i grew up with my cousin who is 13 years younger. I am still v. v. close with him. i loved, loved taking care of him when i was in my teens. almost like my own living doll.

a friend just had her surprise after her kids are tweens and teens. yes mind you she is not alone, but the biggest joy and surprise of her pregnancy is discovering the tenderness in her older children and how they take care of their baby brother. they even do night shifts to give mama a rest.

lots and lots of hugs to you.

we are here for you anytime you need any kind of help.

[CookieMonsterMommy]

Thank you all for your kind words. We just had a pretty nasty fight (can honestly say it was all him...). He said some very hurtful, disheartening things, and can't seem to wrap his brain around the fact that he's not the only one who's life is being altered, who is stressed out, who needs support. He keeps saying "You're the one who wanted a baby!". Dude--not like this! Not now! I was finally getting my shit on track--taking a writing class, studying for my OB certification exam, starting the application process for midwifery school....

Notice, when I was with my son's father, I refered to him as my DP, my partner....but with this baby's father...he's just a BF. I don't feel like he's my partner, like we're in this together. Which isn't to say that he's never there for me--he's done tons more for me in the past 2.5 yrs than anyone's done for me in my whole life. (he's also done more to hurt me than anyone aside from my father). Generally he's a great guy. But lately, and with this pregnancy....?

Sigh...

Originally Posted by meemee

kelly - if you are who i think you are

Who do you think i am? I may be one and the same, as I used to be on MDC tons (banned for a I think a year at one point), lol, and i posted here somewhat frequently.

[lucysmom]

Just a wee point, but ... you don't have to have a different last name from this child. She/he can have your last name. And if that is hard/sad for your DS, maybe (if he doesn't already incorporate it in his name) he can also add your last name before or after the one he uses now, which I presume he shares with his other parent.

SOME stuff is inevitable -- we can't change it, desiderata, etc. True. But the last name thing, hey -- THAT is in your power to determine.

On another note, I think it's admirable that you are so aware of your conflicting feelings about your BF, the relationship, the pregnancy, etc. When things are murky it is still good to understand the source of the murk

[Sarahfina]

I am also in a somewhat similar situation, in that I really really relate to this not being how I wanted it to be...I'm also pregnant with surprise number two, and my husband really pushed me not to have this baby as he felt he couldn't cope with another child now (DD is 4yo). I chose to have the baby, and he chose to leave. Innitially he stayed and it was almost worse than having him gone- its been 6 weeks apart now and its sad sad sad. I feel devistated every day and wonder how things will be for me and my daughter and baby, but I have to let it unfold as it does....i also wonder about that time after birth, I have no idea how I will cope- and yet I know I will, even now I am somehow, in small ways.

Be strong- you are a capable mama already, and will be for this baby too. Let your BF show you who he is and what he wants and know your boundaries thoroughly, so you can make a good clear choice about his role in your life...

Blessings,

Sarahfina

[lilyka]

[rambunctiouscurls]

Originally Posted by meemee

kelly - if you are who i think you are - i am so sorry that this is the plate life has handed you. i can totally relate to you because i wanted more kids but with a dad and not without one.

i am so sorry girl. i know life is HARD, but you have spunk. you will just take all this under your wings and move on.

however i will say this much. dont expect this one to be your only either. age difference might not be what you think it could be. i grew up with my cousin who is 13 years younger. I am still v. v. close with him. i loved, loved taking care of him when i was in my teens. almost like my own living doll.

a friend just had her surprise after her kids are tweens and teens. yes mind you she is not alone, but the biggest joy and surprise of her pregnancy is discovering the tenderness in her older children and how they take care of their baby brother. they even do night shifts to give mama a rest.

lots and lots of hugs to you.

we are here for you anytime you need any kind of help.

: very wise words, indeed.

Hugs and lots of peace to you, mama.