I am not a good partner, how can I repair my relationship?

[mamamoon89]

When I met my partner, I was crazy about him and we had a really loving relationship for a while (I was pregnant with our daughter, who is now about a year and a half, after we had been together for a few months). I remember being really happy together after she was born. But now, for at least several months but maybe a year, I'm not feeling in love and we bicker a lot more. I like living together, doing some things together, and being a family with DD. He doesn't feel appreciated, is really sad by the lack of connection between us, and wants things to be better. I don't know how to be a better partner, he is a great partner. I'm starting to realize I am the problem for the most part...I'm realizing I don't care very much about salvaging our relationship.
Sexual incompatibility is a really big problem for us--I almost never want to have sex, am often repulsed by it (this hasn't always been the case), he feels so sad when I turn him down for sex. I don't think it's that I'm sexually dead, I like to be sexual by myself and want to have sex with women (we have said polyamory is a possibility but neither of us are really putting ourselves out there) and I don't understand why I'm so disinterested in having sex with him (the idea of sex with other men is unappealing now too).
Has anyone ever had counseling really help an unhappy relationship? Are there other things that might help? I want our home to be a happier place, I don't want DD to grow up with this being the model of a normal relationship.

[Tjej]

I've found that the "five love languages" is a good concept that helps me and DH realize how to communicate love to one another. The concept is that people have different "love languages" and that if you "speak" in a different language than the person understands they don't feel loved, even if you are showing love. Things like giving gifts are really important to some, and some people could care less.

HTH

Tjej

[DirtRoadMama]

You didn't ask about this, but I thought I'd comment on the sex part... I've lost interest several times in different relationships. If it was just "not feeling like it", it was usually due to being pursued too much, and feeling pressured to do it more often than I really wanted to. If it was a feeling of repulsion, bluntly, the relationship was over and I just didn't know it yet.

I went to counseling for my marriage, and it did help the relationship, but it did not "fix" it. The counseling helped me to see that it wasn't the right relationship for me (couple's counseling showed me that he was not honest with the counselor, solo counseling helped me to realize that what I was really looking for was for someone to say that I wasn't a bad person for "giving up" on my vows).

So, I would definitely recommend counseling. No matter what the outcome of your relationship, you will both be happier.

[The Amber Lily]

I second the suggestion for 'the five love languages'. I also suggest "Love and Respect' by Emmerson Eggerichs and 'The Intimate Marriage' by Howard J. (Jr.) and Charlotte H. Clinebell. These are the books that helped me in my relationship, and gave me hope that I could have a happy relationship (which I have...). It isn't all luck and hormones, there are actual things you and I can do to cultivate a solid, intimate relationship.