FT school, work and single motherhood

[Butterfy Baby]

My daughter will be 3-years-old this summer. I started back to college this semester and it's slowly taking its toll on her (and me). I *need* to take one class this summer, for the fall semester to work. If I don't take this one class, I'll be one year behind in my program (need certain pre-req's and can only apply to this program once/year).

The summer class is an accelerated class--16 weeks jammed into 8 weeks. Long story short, I will only see my daughter 2 hours per day, 4 days/week with my summer school/work schedule. Fortunately, I'm off work and school on the weekends.

I don't know what to do anymore. My daughter misses me. I miss her. Today, she cried and begged me to stay home with her but I had school and work.

Planning for the summer is making me sad. I try telling myself that it's only 8 weeks and it will fly by...but I also know these are the most important years of her life and I wonder if I will cause more damage than good. Things will get back to semi-normal in the fall--I'll see her more than 2 hours/day, but still not enough time.

I'm going to school so I can provide a better life for her. If all goes as planned, when she is in 1st grade, I will be in my new career field. Kindergarten will be my last year of college. I struggle with what's best for her right NOW though. Right NOW, she needs her mom and I'm not there for her

Can anyone offer supportive thoughts? I just feel awful lately about not being there for her. I contemplate postponing my education until she starts school, but that means more wasted years and longer financial struggling. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

[honey-lilac]

Not faced with the same situation but I would say, under your circumstances, that it *is* only 8 weeks. And if not, you'll be set back significantly. I would try to make those 2 hours TOTALLY hers and don't feel guilty for doing what you have to do. What kind of childcare environment is she in during the days? Would you feel more comfortable if she was in a more home-based setting (if she's not already)? For the fall semester and beyond I would try to arrange the schedule if possible to give more time with her, but I've done summer intensives before, and they are just that - intense. It'll be a tough 8 weeks but you can do it.

[meandmine]

Who is she with when she is not with you?

It will be very tough, but it is 8 weeks. It will be over. I had to do that this past summer -- the kids were in school-based summer daycare for three weeks and then camp for a week and then their dad had them for a week. Before that I was in class every day for two weeks ... they had babysitters those two weeks so they could still do swim team.

It was really hard on me and the three weeks of daycare were not the happiest weeks of my kids' lives, but it is over and good times have been had since.

You will have good times with your daughter after this is over.

M

[inky leeuhhh]

i know how you feel! i posted earlier today about how i have just started school, and am working full time and trying to raise two kids on top of it. although i'm not a single mom anymore, a lot of the child care falls on me @@ . a pp mentioned having your child in a daycare with a more home- like environment, and this is what has worked best for us. although it doesn't come close to my being able to stay home with them and spend each minute taking care of them, it does make me feel a little better to know that they are not in a big center all day long. i will be doing my work late at night so that i can have a little time with them in the evenings ( i have about two hours per night on weekdays as well). make the time you spend with her quality time, and push through and it will be over soon enough. eight weeks seems like a long time, but it will move by. maybe plan something fun after the class is over with so you guys have something to look forward to? a camping trip or something. good luck!

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Butterfy Baby

I contemplate postponing my education until she starts school, but that means more wasted years and longer financial struggling. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

this is EXACTLY what i did.

and i have NO regrets.

however i am not going to school to better our lives. i am going to school because i have a calling that has to be fulfilled.

in a sense this was an easy decision to make. because my dd needs me as much as i need her too. i have done that 2 hour see her in the evening thing and it had brought on continuous stomach aches for my dd.

i really considered both our needs. one of the things i promised myself was that i would never come to the place where looking back i would have regrets that i didnt spend the time with dd.

today i tell myself if my 7 year old were to die - i would never have the regret that i didnt spend time with her. i dont take life for granted. i dont expect that my dd will be there tomorrow when i am finally able to spend time with her.

we both needed each other for emotional support. i wanted to watch her grow and she wanted me to keep her safe and nurtured. she hated, hated dc/ps. in just the first 4 months we changed 6 dc. later on i realised what it was. she didnt want an inhome dc. it was too painful for her to be 'at home' but no mommy there. she grudingly accepted (she was 2) going to this center but never an inhome dc.

i am sharing my journey with you. i am not telling you what to do. you have to do what you figure out works best for you.

the best part of my education is sharing my education with dd. she is getting sooooo much out of it. she is v. active with everything i do and she is involved in too - all teh projects, work. she is building her own value system without me pointing things out - as a bonus to what happens when i go back to school.

today i am not caught in emotional turmoil when i have to leave her to go to class. in fact she LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES it. she comes to school with me and stays with the other students in the study lab while i go to class. i got her a babysitter with a bunch of kids but she prefered to be at school. the students many of whom are our friends have helped dd with long division, have shown her moss thru an electron microscope, checked out the entomology dept. its almost like i am getting an education for two. her knowledge of chemistry is far more than any 7 year old. knowledge that she asked for - she wanted. its added more opportunities for deeper bonding. like doing homework together, research together. she inspires me to stay when teh going gets tough. she is also much more emotionally mature so she doent need me around much anymore. rather she pushes me away and asks me to go away so that she can contiue

[Butterfy Baby]

DD is taken care of by family who loves her dearly and who she loves dearly. Still, it's not mommy. Only mommy can brush her hair. Only mommy's pbj sandwhiches taste good...and recently, she stopped eating at her grandma's house because "she missed mommy and wanted to wait for mommy to eat".


Meemee, I think about everything you posted. Your post weighs my heart down even more.

I have one pre-req this summer and 2 classes in the fall. That would complete my pre-req's. Then I would be off school until the following summer, when the program starts. Competition is fierce and there are only 80 openings in the program/year (with hundreds of applicants) so the chances of getting in upon first application aren't too great. I had, however, planned on applying to 4 colleges in the area so I could push forward instead of having wasted time on my hands.

Maybe I can cut back on work, maybe one less shift/week for the summer. And since your post, Meemee, I'm thinking I should just get a student loan for living expenses while I'm in my program. Then, it would just be school and no work. (But then I'm going to have lots of debt fresh out of school). My credit is shot as it is and I have no idea what chances I have on even getting a loan for school expenses, let alone expenses for a whole 2 years of living.

I don't want to wait 3 years to get back to school. It's taken me 7 years to get back this time (last semester was 2003 before this spring semester). I also don't want to miss dd's life...and the most important ones. If I can get a loan and only go to school, I will push through with my plans. If I'm unable to get a loan, I think I will wait it out until dd starts school. (I'll have to work/go to school then, too, though).

I write dd letters all the time and I stress to her not to follow my footsteps. I tell her, "Education. Career. Marriage. Kids." I plead with her in the letters I write to her. I wish I would have finished my degree before I became a mom. I didn't reallize how good I had it back then.

[meemee]

aaaaah mama now you are thinking. dont try to do everything at once. yes take out a loan. yes you willl be in debt when you get out but you will have time with your dd.

life is soo hard isnt it? its all so bittersweet. i try to teach my dd that anytime you make a choice it is not a win win situation because you opt out of something.

i have done summer school last year. it was hard. i had soooo much hw. yes it was 6 weeks and i thought it was so unfair on dd because we didnt get to do what she wanted. i hope you dont have to take a 'heavy' class as you need at least 4 to 6 hours of hw.

i am happy that you made a decision. you WANT to carry on with your edu. you dont wanna stop now. that makes it easier when you make up your mind because then you can look out for answers.

another piece of advice. ignore it if you dont care for it. but i had to say it.

in your letters dont tell dd what to do. her life may be completely different. however know i dont come from a 'education is the only way' philosophy. to me education is a corporation and it really doesnt have your best interest at heart. dont set yourself for disappointment. dont have expectations. let your letters be full of love and all the things you notice about her. my dd loooooooooves hearing stories about what she did when younger.

i did that in that order. but it didnt do anything for me. left me dissatisfied and unchallenged so much in my life that i had to go back to school to pursue what's important to me. i COULD go out and get a high paying job (i struggle with finding a job because for msot places i am over qualified) but more money comes with stress and more working hours. when i was making really good money i was also working about 60 hours a week. so even though i had a degree it didnt help me live the life i wanted to lead with a toddler. however life has worked out beautifully for me. its only now that i have truly understood what i want to do. and my 'work' is going to be play really. not work.

all i want for my dd is to find her passion. either way its ok.

before i went back to school i had a serious talk with dd and we made the decision together. she feels sad about being poor yet she would much prefer that to being richer but with less time with me.

oh btw do you guys cosleep? we do. and i notice it really helps dd with getting enough time with me.

also one thing i noticed when dd was your dd's age, after she woke up if we stayed in bed and cuddled or spent time together joking over bfast - not having a rushed morning - get up and go - dd was MUCH happier the rest of the day. instead of crying at the dc/ps door that she didnt want to go, she would skip in happily.

i know this weighs heavily on you mama - but dont truly compare your situation with mine. the time when i was commuting a long distance and got only a couple of hours with dd or less, she had continuous stomach aches. the day i quit my job - within a few days those aches were gone never to return again. so she REALLY, REALLY needed me you know. it wasnt just a longing. it was more than that.

the difference between now and when yoru dd is in K is that she will be much happier to hang out with someone else at 5 rather than at 3. i absolutely agree with you. if you can take out a loan, continue. otherwise put edu at hold for a little while. my dd now doesnt need me so much anymore. even when i am home she is off to have playdates with friends - children and adults. their need for you is much less than at 3. at 3 they want you to be their playmate. at 5 or 6 they want a fun playmate =- someone other than mom.

[heartmama]

Well, it sounds like in your case, your dd is not happy and misses you and this has gone on for some time.

I waited to go back to school and I have no regrets about it, because with my ds he was never going to be happy in a childcare situation outside the home, and really, I was going to miss him too much to enjoy anything else I did. I have a lot of peace with that choice because I don't feel like I missed out on anything. I'm the oldest student in most classes, but I feel that I get more out of my education now than I did in the past. School could (and did) wait for me until I got there. My ds could not wait.

It sounds like you have found some flexibility with your schedule, which is great!

If your dd is going to be in kindergarten and regular school in two years, I personally would delay my full time education program until that point.

[lolar2]

One thing that we've done a few times, and that I know others have done-- would Grandma or whoever be able-- at least sometimes-- to come with you and DD to campus, so you can have the commuting time together? That can make it easier. Then Grandma could either hang out with DD on campus or could take her back home while you're in class/ at the library, if the commute isn't too bad.

Will she let you pack her lunch?

[tappinerp]

so... contrary to some of the other posters- I think that you should stick with your original plan.

Take the summer class, and then the 2 pre-reqs that you have this fall so that you have options for NEXT fall. Once you get through the next 2 semesters, you will have at least 2 semesters off (if I understood you correctly) while you wait to start the program - if you are accepted. If you aren't accepted, then you have another year with dd while you do whatever you need to do to ensure acceptance the following year. The longer you postpone your education, the harder it becomes to finish it. And you risk the program changing requirements, having classes that need to be taken within a specific time frame (must be taken within the past 2 years for example), etc. To stop now, you could very possibly add years on to your overall timetable down the line.

Your daughter is going to be fine. The limited time that you do have with her, devote entirely to her. No distractions. No TV, Internet, etc. Just you and her and books, toys, etc. Co-sleeping is also a great way to get in some extra snuggle/bonding time. On the weekend, make sure to devote a good chunk of time to her as well- doing something extra fun (park, zoo, whatever).

It is so hard to do this with young kids. But it is totally doable. (I work in an advising office at a community college- your scenario is our "typical" student). The benefits of completing your education far outweigh the cons. You are doing this to make a better life for both of you. Don't feel guilty about it. It is simply where you are at, and you can do this and you both will be better off for it in the long run.