I need some positive vibes, folks

[vocalise]

I know that single parents are, as a group, no less capable of raising children wonderfully than two-parent families. I know that there is a great deal of stigma and discrimination against single parents and their children, and that I do not want to add to it by being "one of those single moms," and thereby reinforcing that faulty belief. But, seriously, right now I am one of those moms who gives single moms a bad name. I'm struggling in so many ways that I'm not sure I'd be struggling if my kids had another parent.

Just a few examples... I so badly want to be able to help my son with his homework (he has AD/HD and possibly Asperger's), but I have a toddler, and she can't amuse herself well in the evenings. It's a gong show between trying to help my son remain focussed, helping with the actual questions, and trying to keep dd happy. I so badly want to take my kids out to go for regular hikes or swimming or whatever, but half the time I'm completely worn out by just keeping up with them and the minutia of day-to-day life. I so badly want to feed my kids nutritious foods the majority of the time, but I lapse in that frequently because I just can't seem to plan far enough ahead to avoid those "tired, overwhelmed, and dealing with two kids who need food NOW" moments. I really want to teach my ds certain things that he's found it hard to pick up on and enforce certain expectations that he's been resisting, but I just seem to be too thinly stretched to fight those battles. Dental hygeine is but one example; it turns out he has four cavities, two of which require mini root canals. He's been "brushing", but in order for it to be effective, I would have to watch him and coach him the entire time, which I just haven't been able to do.

I feel so sad that ds has lost his dad. I worry that I'm just not going to cut it for him; I have no knowledge of things like sports (things all his friends are into, and which all of them learn from and do with their dads), I have no interest in video games (something I'm not really in favour of anyway, but that ds used to share with his dad), I'm strung out, and this poor kid just never gets a break from me. At least when his dad was alive, he'd get some of those things. Another person, perspective, and chance to receive support.

As for dd, I feel like I'm totally failing her. I decided to have her when I became pregnant unexpectedly, but after two years of hell dealing with her dad, a relapse with my bipolar disorder due to going off my meds once I found out I was pregnant, and the limits she places on my time to do justice to ds, I find myself wishing I'd never had her. That sounds so awful, and I know I won't always feel like that, but it's just been so hard.

So now I've had to start going gradually back onto meds, but my doctor has recommended I wean dd because this medication ends up at therapeutic levels in breastfed babies, and nobody is sure what long term effects that may have. I have had months to wean her, and I feel like I've worked through a lot of the grief that *I* feel about weaning before she's ready (she's now 16 months), but she's so attached to it. And the thing is, there's nobody else but me around. When she's asking to nurse and won't be distracted, it's really, really hard. So weaning is going terribly slowly, and meanwhile my daughter's health could be at risk.

Then there's sleep. Dd is still up 5-10 times a night, which I didn't mind so much when she was nursing back to sleep because I didn't fully wake up. But now with trying to wean, it means I'm a basket case of I stick to my guns and get her to fall back to sleep on her own all night.

This is so disjointed and scattered! Anyway, I'm guess I'm just hoping some of you might send some positive energy my way. I've never felt quite this incapable and substandard before in my life. I really don't recognize myself these days, and am hoping to become more grounded soon, before I completely fall to ashes and drift away.

[Eaglevoice]

Wow, you have so much on your plate!! You are an amazingly strong mama!!! You'll get through this! It's okay that your kids don't always eat, organic and healthy foods, it's okay that you can't do everything and be everything and know how to do everything. Your son will learn how to play sports with his friends at school, he'll play video games with his friends, too. And you're not failing your dd. You are there for her, comforting her, nursing her. You are a good mama. You have so much to deal with and it's so hard some days. Be easy on yourself and love yourself because you can only do so much. You are doing a really good job.

[lucysmom]

Hi. Just wanted to say I completely understand what you're saying. I'm sure my situation is easier because I have just one child, so that particular set of competing obligations is absent. But still. I work OTH full time in a very demanding job (that I love, and that I am also not able to do as I should because I cannot spend enough time at it). I don't get to spend more than 3 conscious hours together with DD on weekdays, and most of those involve making breakfast, making lunch, hurrying her into her clothes, making dinner, making sure she practices her violin, getting her into her jammies, getting her into bed.

I should be helping her learn to ride a bike without training wheels ... I should be engaged in creative play with her ... I should be providing craft materials ... I should be XYZ. I would love to be doing those things. But I am stressed out & exhausted and out of time. She watches too much TV. Etc.

The truth is that in fact, a tremendous amount of loving, talking, and supporting is flowing from me to her. I'm sure that is also true for you & your kids. It just doesn't match at all my ideal picture in my mind.

Here's my best advice: don't worry about what you cannot do. Focus on what is unique and great about you as a mom, and really do that stuff. Your care for your children, the way you can see what they need, the fact that you listen & look & really see them -- all that shines through in your post. No parent -- including dads teaching their kids how to throw spirals, crafty-y parents, parents who are gifted teachers of mathematics -- is great at all aspects of parenting. I think what kids mostly appreciate about their folks is the inchoate sense of love and loyalty and support that they derive from our constant mundane interactions. I have no doubt that you have that going on in spades.

Do you ever say to your DS "by the way, I really wish I could focus in a more sustained way on helping you. When I can't, it isn't because I don't want to." I think admitting that there are external constraints on what you would otherwise like to do for/with your kids can be helpful. It lets them see that how things happen isn't just the product of your wishes and priorities -- some of it is beyond your control, and you would have it be different, if you could.

A big, big hug. My goodness, this is hard stuff to do on one's own.

[MsChatsAlot]

Being a mom is hard work. Being a single mom is hard work too. There are times when I felt I wasn't giving my children enough or doing enough or being enough, but I'm always doing the best I can. I have no doubt you are doing the best you can too.

Being a good mom means you care about your children and when you feel you aren't meeting your own expectations, you wish you could do more. I have no doubt, that under everything else, your children know that in their hearts.

I hope something really wonderful happens, perhaps an older neighbour child who would love to entertain your little one for awhile or a change in routine that allows you the time you need to meet everyone's needs.

Be gentle with yourself. Often these moments of feeling like things are difficult become the catalyst for positive change.

[vocalise]

Thanks for the support Eaglevoice, lucysmom, and MsChatsAlot. I'm feeling a bit better about it all today. I know I'm doing my best, and that no parent is perfect. I think exhaustion makes everything feel worse, too, so I need to cut myself particular slack at the end of the day and after rough nights.

I appreciate your thoughts. Focusing on what I am already doing, and what my strengths are as a parent, is a great strategy.

[Theia]

I am not familiar with your back story.... but have you had time for your self and your DC to grieve the loss of their father?

I'm glad that the PP's suggestions helped and that you feel better today. I think Single Parents have to learn a special kind of forgiveness. Accept and forgive yourself. You are doing the best you can.

Sending you strength and healing.

[Medusa]

As a solo mama to a 9yo Aspie I live by this mantra:

"What other people think of me is none of my business."

It's true. I know I'm doing the best that I can, not the best that can be done...the best I can do.

Nevermind what people think of you, or single mamas in general, that isn't your concern. Getting through each day with body, mind and soul intact is the only thing you need to worry yourself about.

P.S.
My son also needs a root canal at the moment. I'm trying to fix the tooth brushing issue by setting a timer when he brushes his teeth.

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by vocalise

I know that single parents are, as a group, no less capable of raising children wonderfully than two-parent families. I know that there is a great deal of stigma and discrimination against single parents and their children, and that I do not want to add to it by being "one of those single moms," and thereby reinforcing that faulty belief. But, seriously, right now I am one of those moms who gives single moms a bad name. I'm struggling in so many ways that I'm not sure I'd be struggling if my kids had another parent.

People have different ideas of "one of those single moms". Do you really think we have a "bad name"?

What you describe just sounds human! You've got a lot going on and it would also be a lot for a partnered person.

That exhaustion stuff is so tough. I feel exhausted just reading it! I went through more of that when my youngest was still nursing and waking up at night. Thankfully, he sleeps great now. There is hope!

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Find some little things that help nourish you. Sometimes a book, movie, bath, glass of wine, etc can make a huge difference.

I hope that the meds help.

Can you do some counseling? It sounds like you probably have a lot of grief to deal with as well.

Sending you much care.

[Oh the Irony]

Just wanted to also mention that I found grief very challenging.

There was much more to grieve that I ever suspected. It wasn't just the loss of a person or relationship. It was about my expectations and plans in life, the loss of the family unit, the loss of a daily dad for my kids, betrayal, having someone to talk to anytime etc. The changes in my work and family responsibilities...my ex actually did A LOT in terms of cooking, dishes, laundry and making kid's lunches.

I would think I had it all worked out and then there would be more layers. It cycled in and out--very bumpy ride!

Maybe make a list of all the things you are grieving--include the loss of breastfeeding, the teeth, etc. I found it really helpful to acknowledge everything that was really going on.

Then I would shift my focus to what I was grateful for and let that fill me. Journaling is your friend.

I had a couple really rough years. Now, I really like being a single parent. I like the way I have changed and evolved. I still get overwhelmed at times, but overall life is good.

[vocalise]

Originally Posted by Theia

I am not familiar with your back story.... but have you had time for your self and your DC to grieve the loss of their father?

I'm glad that the PP's suggestions helped and that you feel better today. I think Single Parents have to learn a special kind of forgiveness. Accept and forgive yourself. You are doing the best you can.

Sending you strength and healing.

Thanks. I guess I should have shared more of the context. Basically, it's this: I have ds (8) and dd (16 months). Ds's dad and I split when I was still pregnant, but we remained friends and co-parented quite amicably until his death two-and-a-half years ago. So, yes, both ds and I have had time to grieve, and we're both now at that stage where it creeps up on you unexpectedly, but we're generally at peace with it, kwim? I was having one of those "creeps up unexpectedly" moments when I wrote my original post.

Dd's conception was quite the surprise (iud baby), and her dad was a friend at the time, but turned out to have some big problems that led to a lot of stress throughout my pregnancy and beyond. I made everything worse by expecting that things would go as smoothly as they had with ds's dad, which meant inadequate boundaries on my part and denial of what I was really witnessing and experiencing. At any rate, thanks for the healing vibes; I can use them in several ways!

Originally Posted by Medusa

As a solo mama to a 9yo Aspie I live by this mantra:

"What other people think of me is none of my business."

It's true. I know I'm doing the best that I can, not the best that can be done...the best I can do.

Nevermind what people think of you, or single mamas in general, that isn't your concern. Getting through each day with body, mind and soul intact is the only thing you need to worry yourself about.

P.S.
My son also needs a root canal at the moment. I'm trying to fix the tooth brushing issue by setting a timer when he brushes his teeth.

Thanks. That mantra is going on my fridge. And while I wouldn't wish cavities on any child, it's good to know I'm not alone!

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

People have different ideas of "one of those single moms". Do you really think we have a "bad name"?

What you describe just sounds human! You've got a lot going on and it would also be a lot for a partnered person.

That exhaustion stuff is so tough. I feel exhausted just reading it! I went through more of that when my youngest was still nursing and waking up at night. Thankfully, he sleeps great now. There is hope!

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Find some little things that help nourish you. Sometimes a book, movie, bath, glass of wine, etc can make a huge difference.

I hope that the meds help.

Can you do some counseling? It sounds like you probably have a lot of grief to deal with as well.

Sending you much care.

Thanks so much. In regards to the bold, I guess I'm coming from a teacher's perspective. In the schools where I've worked, I've often heard professionals explain a student's problems away as "he/she has a single mom". I figure, if educated professionals who actually work with single parent families quite closely hold this bias, then others must, too. But, no, not everyone thinks this way, and the more I consider it, the more I think the teachers who say such things are in the camp of "blame the parent for everything". It's just easier to blame one parent instead of two.

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

Just wanted to also mention that I found grief very challenging.

There was much more to grieve that I ever suspected. It wasn't just the loss of a person or relationship. It was about my expectations and plans in life, the loss of the family unit, the loss of a daily dad for my kids, betrayal, having someone to talk to anytime etc. The changes in my work and family responsibilities...my ex actually did A LOT in terms of cooking, dishes, laundry and making kid's lunches.

I would think I had it all worked out and then there would be more layers. It cycled in and out--very bumpy ride!

Maybe make a list of all the things you are grieving--include the loss of breastfeeding, the teeth, etc. I found it really helpful to acknowledge everything that was really going on.

Then I would shift my focus to what I was grateful for and let that fill me. Journaling is your friend.

I had a couple really rough years. Now, I really like being a single parent. I like the way I have changed and evolved. I still get overwhelmed at times, but overall life is good.

I'm so sorry you've had such a loss. It's great to hear your perspective and appreciation for the way it has influenced your life. Losing ds's dad was a very strange kind of grief because I was no longer his partner (his girlfriend and I actually became quite close after his death, though, as we shared notes and memories and our processes). But definitely a couple of rough years for us. Also a lot of growth and much to be grateful for.



I really appreciate all of you taking the time to respond. Sending positive vibes right back atcha, oh wise ones.