Nanny let 3mo CIO

[Ruby2]

I just found out that our nanny let my 3.5 mo cry herself to sleep the other day. It was so hard to leave this morning. I talked to her about it as much as I could, but it was hard because she was immediately on the defensive. I told her that I am NOT okay with CIO. She kept saying "I understand, I understand," but then she would say something like "babies need to learn to self soothe or else"...blah blah blah.

It's obvious that she thinks dh and I are just dumb new parents who don't know any better. My heart is breaking because we specifically hired her because she told us in the interview that she would care for our daughter how WE wanted her cared for, regardless of what she thought. We were very specific that we did not want her to CIO. I have repeatedly stressed with the nanny that I don't CARE if dd will only go to sleep when she's being held, that that is perfectly normal for a baby.

It is a huge financial sacrifice for us to pay for child care in our home and we do is so that this doesn't happen.

I know I need to talk to her about it again in the morning, but it's such a fine line between communicating my point and not offending her. She's home alone all day with my baby, so I am worried about making her mad. I'm also worried that the reason she let dd CIO was because she was frustrated to the point of having to put her down.

I just want to go home and tell the nanny to never come back, but I know that that is overreacting.

[nola79]

If you are paying this nanny to care for your child, and she is not caring for your baby in the manner that was agreed upon, then I do not think it is overreacting to fire her and find a nanny that will adhere to your parenting style.
Sorry you are going through this.

[organicpapayamama]

Oh hugs mama. I cant even imagine what you are feeling. I would be furious. You should not worry about offending her, she is your employee and you are paying her for a specific service and if she is not offering that then she isnt dong what was contractually agreed to. Can I ask how long has she been watching your lo? And how did you come to find that she let your lo cio? Im not sure what I would do if I were you. Part of me would fire her on the spot but the other part of me would give her a warning and have something on file signed about it and if it were to happen again she would be gone. Anyway, I hope things get better. Oh and I would also remind her of her own motto that her personal view would not get in the way of care to your lo, that she agreed to take care of your lo the way you want. I would especially bring that up when she says "babies need to learn to self soothe or else"...

[2cutiekitties]

Originally Posted by Ruby2

I just found out that our nanny let my 3.5 mo cry herself to sleep the other day. It was so hard to leave this morning. I talked to her about it as much as I could, but it was hard because she was immediately on the defensive. I told her that I am NOT okay with CIO. She kept saying "I understand, I understand," but then she would say something like "babies need to learn to self soothe or else"...blah blah blah.

It's obvious that she thinks dh and I are just dumb new parents who don't know any better. My heart is breaking because we specifically hired her because she told us in the interview that she would care for our daughter how WE wanted her cared for, regardless of what she thought. We were very specific that we did not want her to CIO. I have repeatedly stressed with the nanny that I don't CARE if dd will only go to sleep when she's being held, that that is perfectly normal for a baby.

It is a huge financial sacrifice for us to pay for child care in our home and we do is so that this doesn't happen.

I know I need to talk to her about it again in the morning, but it's such a fine line between communicating my point and not offending her. She's home alone all day with my baby, so I am worried about making her mad. I'm also worried that the reason she let dd CIO was because she was frustrated to the point of having to put her down.

I just want to go home and tell the nanny to never come back, but I know that that is overreacting.

Austa la vista nanny! You need to find one that you have confidence in, that respects your decisions. Anyone who says, well babies need to self soothe....after doing something that you specifically said NOT to do, well lator gator.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this!!

FWIW my ds is in a daycare, and one mom who does CIO got mad b/c the daycare workers were rocking her son to sleep! They DO NOT do cio at the daycare at all. Like I said, one mom wants it, and they refuse to do it anyway!

But, if you don't want to hire a new nanny, I would try to talk to her in a non-judgmental way that won't put her on the defensive. Or give her the materials that you used to come to the conclusion that you don't want your dd to CIO. She may read it and change her mind.

again, I hope you can come to a good conclusion with this!

[chfriend]

Fire her today.

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by Ruby2

I just found out that our nanny let my 3.5 mo cry herself to sleep the other day. It was so hard to leave this morning. I talked to her about it as much as I could, but it was hard because she was immediately on the defensive. I told her that I am NOT okay with CIO. She kept saying "I understand, I understand," but then she would say something like "babies need to learn to self soothe or else"...blah blah blah.

It's obvious that she thinks dh and I are just dumb new parents who don't know any better. My heart is breaking because we specifically hired her because she told us in the interview that she would care for our daughter how WE wanted her cared for, regardless of what she thought. We were very specific that we did not want her to CIO. I have repeatedly stressed with the nanny that I don't CARE if dd will only go to sleep when she's being held, that that is perfectly normal for a baby.

It is a huge financial sacrifice for us to pay for child care in our home and we do is so that this doesn't happen.

I know I need to talk to her about it again in the morning, but it's such a fine line between communicating my point and not offending her. She's home alone all day with my baby, so I am worried about making her mad. I'm also worried that the reason she let dd CIO was because she was frustrated to the point of having to put her down.

I just want to go home and tell the nanny to never come back, but I know that that is overreacting.

I bolded 2 things which really concerned me. If you feel she disrespects you you must fire her. YOU are her employer. You didn't hire her for her advice, you hired her to care for your child the way YOU want your child cared for. If you hire someone to wash your car and you come home to find them slinging mud at it and telling you how dirty cars are better anyhow you'd fire them, right?

The second point is really worrying. Do you feel that if you anger her she is potentially going to harm your baby? If so you need to go home NOW and fire her. You need to trust your nanny. This is the most important thing you can do to protect your children - TRUST YOUR GUT. YOU are the mama, YOU know best. It doesn't matter if she has raised 3000 babies of other people, this is YOUR baby and you get to dictate care specifics. Really if you're worried about annoying her in case she hurts your baby then you already feel that her safety and care of your kid is conditional. That isn't good enough. There is nothing anyone could do or say to me to make me harm or neglect a baby, NOTHING. If you feel she isn't that sort of person then don't leave your baby with her. If she left the baby because she HAD to walk away then she isn't the right nanny for your situation anyway, because you need someone who can do the job you hired them to do.

[green betty]

I would fire her ASAP. Even if you hadn't explained your standards of care to her before this happened (which I'm assuming you did) the fact that she was defensive and tried to tell you that babies need to learn to self-soothe would make it crystal-clear to me that she's the wrong nanny. Full stop.

We've been through a lot of babysitters, and at this point I explicitly look for younger people with a bit of experience but not a lot, because those seem to be the people who can really hear what I say about our family's way of doing things. People with lots of experience with mainstream care--forget it. They can't get past their own opinions/experience/preconceived notions. Aargh.

[transylvania_mom]

I wouldn't have gone to work.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

YIKES! double post. Sorry

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

She is not there to give you parenting advice. She is there to care for your child using your specifications. It doesnt matter what she thinks will happen if you DONT let your daughter CIO. Not her decision.

My kids go to DAYCARE, and I am 100% confident they will do whatever however, whenever, whichever I say. They follow EVERYONES rules depending on the child. I have seen them leave a child in a crib crying, because THAT IS WHAT THE PARENT SPECIFIED. But I have also seen them swoop in on another child who just began to cry, because THAT is WHAT THE PARENT SPECIFIED. I TRIPLE checked that they KNEW what to do with my child. OH YES! We know not to let matthew cry, that you dont care if we "spoil" him. But so-and-sos parents WANT us to do this. We dont like it, but have to do what we are told. I have also seen written on the sheets on days Charlie skinned his knee or fell and bumped his chin. He received cold water, an ice pack, and LOTS of TLC (Made my heart nice and big)


This is the way it should be for ANY caregivers of someone elses child. Whether they agree with your parenting choices or not.

I would have been appalled to learn they let my child cry themselves to sleep. I would start looking for a replacement ASAP.

[rivkah]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

I bolded 2 things which really concerned me. If you feel she disrespects you you must fire her. YOU are her employer. You didn't hire her for her advice, you hired her to care for your child the way YOU want your child cared for. If you hire someone to wash your car and you come home to find them slinging mud at it and telling you how dirty cars are better anyhow you'd fire them, right?

The second point is really worrying. Do you feel that if you anger her she is potentially going to harm your baby? If so you need to go home NOW and fire her. You need to trust your nanny. This is the most important thing you can do to protect your children - TRUST YOUR GUT. YOU are the mama, YOU know best. It doesn't matter if she has raised 3000 babies of other people, this is YOUR baby and you get to dictate care specifics. Really if you're worried about annoying her in case she hurts your baby then you already feel that her safety and care of your kid is conditional. That isn't good enough. There is nothing anyone could do or say to me to make me harm or neglect a baby, NOTHING. If you feel she isn't that sort of person then don't leave your baby with her. If she left the baby because she HAD to walk away then she isn't the right nanny for your situation anyway, because you need someone who can do the job you hired them to do.

I don't think she should be taking care of a baby if she gets that frustrated, frankly. I have had three babies and I worked in a day care for a year, and I have never felt like I needed to put a crying (or whining or screaming) baby down because I was too frustrated.

Given that you are making a bug sacrifice for in-home care, maybe you should consider day care. You can find one that has a no CIO policy, and you can be comfortable that it is enforced, because care-givers have accountability to other care-givers, supervisors,and other parents who may be present.

[akind1]

that

also worked in daycare, and did babysitting for more years than I care to count - the more frustrated I became, I told myself to breathe, relax, and kept holding the baby, putting him/her down is only going to make the baby more upset in most cases, which won't help my nerves either! Babies absorb so much from their environment and caregiver - they sense if you are stressed and tend to feed off of the that. If you are relaxed and calm, so do they tend to be (not always, but it helps).

If she will not conform to your wishes, she'd have to go. Your baby is yours to raise as you see fit. when I was doing child care, one of the things that went through my head was: I can't wait to have my own kids so I can raise them how I want! - because I always followed the parents' wishes. (granted to an extent. some people I sat for would have let their kids have soda with their breakfast or watch tv/play video games all day. I said no. and rarely I found parents that minded if I was more strict than they were!)

[PluggingAway]

I'm so sorry..what a terrible thing to be going through. I say listen to your gut. If you think that she will ultimately follow your requests, then hang in there. If you think that she will blatently disregard your wishes, then it's time for a new nanny. Your nanny doesn't have to agree with everything that you do, but she does need to respect you and you need to trust her or you are setting yourself up for dysfunction junction.

[blizzard_babe]

I'd be popping in at random intervals every day she was still with us. And looking for a new nanny. One of the reasons I like *paying* for child care is that, as the person paying for services, we have the right to demand what we want. If she's still saying "babies need to learn to self soothe," and not, "Oh, OK, I didn't realize you felt that way, it'll never happen again," I'd be wary of her making real changes.

[lapis]

as someone who has been a nanny for the past 10+ years I can honestly say I don't think you are overreacting. you deserve to leave for work feeling relaxed and confident in what is going on in your home with your daughter.

finding someone who shares similar views on things like: emotional wellbeing, sleeping, food and safety is important when finding a caregiver.... or with whoever you are parenting with.

choosing a nanny who agrees to do things that they don't believe in is not a workable relationship. she will not be happy. and even if she does what you ask, the relationship wont feel relaxed. its really hard to do things with children that you don't believe in. I personally have had run ins with parents who do CIO and time outs, both of which I actually believe have their place in some families BUT I am still not comfortable implementing them and would have been miserable working for a family who insisted that I had to do things that way. that being said I have worked for families who want their babies to learn to fall asleep in their own bed and I've agreed as long as I'm in the room and that their child is able to touch me if they want to, that I felt comfortable doing that. there IS room for flexibility with most caregivers and that is what you need to figure out with your nanny. I think you can have an honest discussion about what her real comfort level is? does she just think she is doing you a favor by teaching your daughter to sleep on her own but actually likes rocking her to sleep? because if so you can just say don't worry about later on for us... but if she doesn't actually like rocking babies to sleep or does but still believes its best not to, then you need to find someone else.

i'm really sorry you are having to go through this. If you want to PM me for more ideas about how to find the kind of nanny you really want I'm happy to help.

hugs

[meemee]

mama that is the pitfall of having a someone at your home.

i know you cant fire her immediately - nor can you really take time off from work.

i would start looking out for a new nanny, a daycare that you like AND maybe a SAH mom who does childcare at home. there are many caring daycares around that dont let children cry. look for both - inhome as well as center. see how you feel in the gut.

i would definitely not tolerate the attitude of your nanny. reduce your stress. start looking when you can spare the time and then give her notice.

how did you find out? good thing that you did. wonder how often she has done that.

have you ever thought about an aupair?

[Ruby2]

Thanks for the advice and concern everyone.

To answer some of your questions, I've been back to work for about a month. The nanny works 3 days a week and writes down a summary of her day. On Monday she wrote something like, put e. in her crib to watch her mobile...fell asleep after 8 minutes. This morning I mentioned that it was amazing to me that she fell asleep on her own as she had never done this before (I was also suspicious at the 8 min. comment, but in denial at that point). The nanny said something like, "yeah, my daughter would just cry and cry, I was surprised at how fast e. went to sleep."

Update - the nanny called me on my lunch hour. She said she knew I was upset and didn't want me to worry that she was doing anything with my baby that I didn't want her to. She said e. fell asleep in her arms and she held her for almost an hour before laying her down beside her. She reiterated that she would do whatever we wanted her to do...I feel better but know that that's not the end of the story.

I'm not worried that she would ever hurt my baby, just that she is TOO stressed out. She's starting to seem a little high strung to me and I'm worried that that is having an effect on my daughter - maybe up to the point of her not being able to relax and go to sleep as easily with the nanny as she does with other people.

Anyway, I need to talk to her again on Friday morning and do some more education with her about our parenting choices. Part of me knows that she felt she was trying to help with the CIO thing. I have told her before that I didn't believe e. could be spoiled and didn't want her to let her cry though...but maybe I didn't make a big enough deal out of it. That will not be a problem after Friday. Sigh. This is hard. Thanks for the support.