2 yo says she doesn't want to go...everyone is telling me to make her go anyway. - Page 2

[mamallama]

In January I started leaving my son at the Y childcare. He was 25mos. The first time he was eager to play with the kids, but once he realized I wasn't there, he cried until they came and got me from my class.

The second time he cried as soon as we entered the room. I stayed, got him started coloring, and talked to the worker about how I sah and childcare is new for him. I told her that I want it to be a good experience for him, and that I trust her judgment in assessing whether or not she should come get me (she is an established, experienced worker--I could not have that conversation with the high school girls who work there.)

That particular worker engaged him and eased his transition (I kept tabs through the hallway window.) She made it work.

It's been four months now (I sah, I homeschool, I *need* the time by myself, I *need* to exercise for my mental health,) and while sometimes he's reluctant to go, he always settles down. He likes playing with the kids, he likes the toys, he likes several of the workers.

I say, if the workers are capable of engaging the kids--if the ratio is ok, if the workers are caring, if they are assertive/calm/confident enough to help a stressed out toddler, then just leave her and see if it works out. If the workers are inexperienced, if the ratios are too high for personal attention, if your dd is truly miserable, give it another six months.

[karika]

I believe what is referred to as "separation anxiety" exists for a reason. In mammals in the wild it is a protection mechanism designed to protect young from danger, particularly predators. Nowadays we do not generally have to worry about lions carrying off the young for a snack, but that need for proximity to parents is still very much hardwired in humans since our physiology has not changed much since those times. Our young may not be able to pinpoint why they do not want us to leave them, but they feel it very strongly. Their desire in this situation would be for a parent (preferably the lactating female) to remain in the room where the play with others happens so that they could bounce back to that safety at will. In this situation, you are desiring to go to the gym for some workout time, yet the child does not wish to be separated. Since it sounds like it is important to you to do this, as a compromise I would suggest leaving her with the father at home while you go to the gym. If that is not an option, I would suggest waiting until the child is ready for separation on her own, perhaps at 4 or 7 yo she would handle an hour or two away from you better. Also I would suggest something may have happened at that particular place that she did not like and so she does not want to go back there. Something as simple as needing to poopy and mom not being there, or bumping her body and wishing for comfort nursing and mommy not there. If we all wait to do separation on any level, nighttime, in other's care, out of arms even... it makes for stronger more self assured individuals- what the whole of AP is about IMO.

[EliSnave78TX]

Wow! I want to thank everyone that replied to this post.  I didn't realize I had my notifications turned off and when I never really got a notice in my inbox, I figured it had just gone unnoticed. lol.  We are now at 2 1/2 and she is back to enjoying group time with kids at our new gym.  We just went through one of those phases.  As someone with a LOT of diversity in the friends that are on my facebook page, I get a lot of support and a lot of crud, too.  Unfortunately, our time out of the gym resulted in several pounds on my hiney that need to get gone, now. :)  Thanks again to all who replied and I'm sorry i didn't see this earlier.  (Yes, I have been away from MDC since then. I know, I know, bad momma. lol)

[arihillfarm]

In total agreement with this.  My MO is never to ask a toddler a question unless I am prepared to deal with whatever answer might come my way AND be okay with it.  Instead of asking if he wants to go, I give my son a heads up that we're about to do something new or different (letting him finish what he is doing if it'll only be a few minutes) and then really play it up as something exciting.  98% of the time it works and he is ready to run out the door before I am, LOL!  I do ask yes or no questions but those are mostly regarding food and drink, that kind of stuff.

-Astrid
 

Originally Posted by Aufilia 

I think it depends on how important/necessary the exercise time is for you, and how she actually acts once she's there. Does she really not like being there? I've found that my DD often thinks mostly of what she wants to do right this minute. And right this minute she might prefer playing at home. But that doesn't mean she wouldn't also enjoy the gym daycare when she got there.

And honestly, if I asked her before we went anywhere, we would never leave the house. Because what's right here is always more entertaining than, say, the grocery store or the bank. Am I going to stop going to the grocery store because DD doesn't want to ride in the cart right now? Not exactly. Riding in the cart isn't as fun as playing, but it's not exactly a form of torture, either.

So anyhow. I think it's up to you to decide how much you're going to let her opinion of the moment sway your decisions. At that age, I know my DD did have separation anxiety if left anywhere, and so we avoided leaving her places. But I wouldn't necessarily base my decision on her just saying "no". I'd base it on how I expected her to handle actually being there once she got there. Since I didn't see you say your DD actually gets upset or distraught to be left, and it sounds like she enjoys playing, I'd probably just say it was time to go to the gym and play because realistically, my need for exercise would outweigh her desire to stay home.

[Lula's Mom]

Do they have a TV monitor you can watch her on, or one-way glass so you can check on her?  If so, I'd try dropping her off and then watching instead of going to class, if it were my son.  I'd need to see for myself whether he calmed down or not.  The reason is, you can' always trust that people will call or come get you, even when you tell them that you do want to be interrpted to come back if the child won't settle. 

My 14 month old  and my 5 yo ds have been dropped off 3 times with their grandmother.  The baby did really well twice, and the 3rd time he was too tired and we shouldn't have gone.  But since it had gone well 2 times, we thought he might be OK.  We told Grandma and her sister and various cousins who were there to call us if he didn't stop crying.  We even texted them several times in the first half hour.  Nobody told us to come back. When our movie was over and we went to pick them up, we found out that he never did settle.  He wailed for 1/2 hour straight, and then was in tears repeatedly for 2.5 hours.  It was just a movie, we'd made it clear we wanted to know if he was still crying.  I wish I could have chcked on him... note to self, install hidden camera in MIL's house. lol 

[EdnaMarie]

If it were me, I'd probably do what mamadelbosque suggested, and go there, let her play around with me in the room (go early) and then ask her, "Do you want to stay here or go home?"

If she says, "Stay here," then tell her, "I need to go to a class but I'll be back soon.  Okay?"  If she says okay, then it probably really is okay.  If she freaks out, then it's probably separation anxiety and not a transition thing, and you could either stay longer and try again, or just go home.  But I think that would be a better judge of how she feels.

Lots of kids don't like to leave the house at that age, and they don't understand that if they want to go 30 minutes later or next week, they can't just up and go.  (Wouldn't that be nice, LOL!)