How to handle not getting ready & Time to leave with almost 3yr old!!

[simplygreen]

This happens everytime we got to someones house. My son will not get his shoes, coat on etc. when its time to leave... what am I suppose to do I getting tired of the constant battle. I give him plenty of reminders that (in about 10 min we will need to go, in about 5min etc.) he wil just sit on the floor and not come near the door where his shoes are, Its to the point I have to pick him up and force the shoes & coat on his feet then we have major melt down (Not how I would like it to handle this) but I have yet to find away to get out the door!! Then it will usually continue with a battle getting into the carseat. & he does this in the morings too, even if we are getting ready to go to the park or someplace fun, I have so much as said fine if you choose to not help me get ready we will not go... and we don't go and it seems to not matter much, but when its time to leave other people houses, its time to leave I can't just stay there till he is finally ready .. Any suggestions ??

[Drummer's Wife]

Does he let you help him? My youngest just turned 3, so a lot of dressing and shoe things he can't do entirely independantly just yet, but even with my 5 yo I sometimes will walk him through it all, sometimes physically holding his pants out for him to put on, or putting his shirt over his head, etc. At the very least, I often need to be right there verbally reminding him what he needs to do - otherwise he will wander off to play legos, or take 15 minutes to put one shoe on.

I guess I would just try to do it with him, gently, long before it's the frantic, rushed time to go and he ends up fighting it, yk?

Hope you find a solution - we are often running late to take DS to the bus, but it's more so b/c I lose track of time or something comes up last minute.

[phathui5]

It helps us to start getting ready a good deal of time before we actually need to leave. If I'm feeling rushed, it's harder to understand that kids often don't get ready fast.

[RiverSky]

I always put my children's clothes on for them at the age of 3. If I were you, I might bring jackets/coats etc. into the car, then go back to get my child and carry them to the car. If it's cold out, chances are the child will want to hurry and get those items on.

For a short while, my son didn't want to get ready before going to the playground for moms club get-togethers. I would bring clothes for him into the car and then change him discreetly in the back of the minivan in the parking lot at the playground. By then, he was raring to go to the playground and play. He just had a tougher time with transitions then (and still does on occasion, enjoying the moment and not always wanting to switch his activity, even if it's for an even better activity, and he's 11).

[Tjej]

Maybe you are giving too much warning? You child hears you keep on saying over and over that you are going soon but you don't go yet, so they don't know when you are actually serious about it? Just speculating because we have gotten into that habit a few times and I try to catch myself about it.

I explain what we are doing/that we will be leaving "after Mama is done getting ready". Then I finish getting all my stuff ready. I herd the kids to the door area, help them get their jackets on (because when we are out somewhere DD somehow loses the ability to concentrate on doing it herself ), help DS with his shoes while DD puts hers on, or if she is really zoned out I help with those too. Then we're out.

Oh, and we say good bye to toys and I will explain that "this toy lives here". But mostly that is with my 2yo to help with leaving.

HTH

Tjej

ETA: Is it possible to just carry him out when you are ready and buckle him in the car, then carry the stuff/his shoes out? I find if my DS is super moody it is like a band-aid - quicker is better. A quick "want to put your shoes on or have me carry you?" then carry away if he doesn't put them on right away - might work.

[One_Girl]

I used to help dd get ready after I was completely ready and could focus just on her. When it was possible I would carry her out to the car and get her shoes on her once she was in the car seat then put her coat on top of her (since it isn't suppossed to be buckled in the car seat with kids anyways).

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Its totally normal behavior for that age. Its hard enough to leave when you're having fun, and having to put coats and shoes on, on top of that, is sometimes just too much.

I would always get everything ready and put in the car for DD. Then I'd come back, we'd say goodbye to everyone, and I'd carry her to the car shoeless and coatless. If she was screaming and complaining, I would empathize by calmly saying how hard it is to leave when you're having fun, you wish we could stay longer, etc.

Around 3.5 I started explaining to her when we arrived that when it was time to go, I could use her help getting ready and going to the car when it was time. I explained that if she helps me leave when its time, I feel like coming back - but if its really hard work to leave, I feel less like coming back. I'd give her transition time of about 5 minutes.

[Hokulele]

Ugh! That is SO frustrating for me. It happens around here all too often.

A couple things that help:

1. as the pp said, the more organized I am, the smoother it runs. I think my kids sense my urgency and actually slow down in response to it. But if I am ready to go ahead of time, I have the energy to focus on helping them go.

2. make it a race "I bet I can pack the diaper bag faster than you can get your shoes on" Most of the time, of course, this means I have to let DD win, but racing is the single most effective way to get her to do something she is not interested in doing.

[angelandmisha]

I don't know if you've tried this or not, but it's been really working here: I set the timer on my phone and tell ds well in adveance that when the timer makes a sound it's time to go. Today, we were at free play time at the gym having a great time. When the timer went off, he got so excited and just ran out of the gym area and got his shoes saying it's time to go!
I also agree with either getting him or coats in the car first and coming back for the other as well as not expecting him to put his own shoes/coat on.

Good luck! Those meltdowns when leaving someplace fun are hard.

ETA: I also practice with the timer at home- like when the timer goes off we need to put a new diaper on or get dressed or stop nursing or leave the house or whatever. Oh yeah, and I'm amazed at how well he has responded to the
timer- I tried it just because I couldn't think of anything else one day to
get a fresh diaper on and I really didn't expect it to work but it's really a great tool. I also don't go overboard timing everything- just when I anticipate we might have trouble- mostly leaving someplace fun.

[kristac]

Racing or asking them to move at "super hero speed" helps sometimes here. my five year old likes to do things faster then I can "blink" (close my eyes for 30 seconds or however long the quick task takes).

[sarahtdubb]

Originally Posted by kristac

Racing or asking them to move at "super hero speed" helps sometimes here. my five year old likes to do things faster then I can "blink" (close my eyes for 30 seconds or however long the quick task takes).

Yes, I was going to suggest something like this. Do you know much about "playful parenting"?--turning things into games instead of conflicts. getting my 2.5 yo out of the house is a total pain, but it really helps to turn it into a game. so if i can't get him to put on pants, I will pretend to put them on myself and say "hmm, why can't I get these pants on???" Then he'll engage with me...

him: "they're mine! you too big."
me: naah, these are mine! they wont fit you.
him: uh-huh!
me: no, i don't believe you, show me!

then he puts them on. repeat for whatever else we need to put on. i prefer it to forcing him into clothes, which is the alternative. then we race to the car, or play some other game to get out there ("oh no! i lost the car! i need you to help me find it!").

i will also just take things in the car-- shoes, jacket, even pants--and put them on him when we get somewhere.

[cameragirl]

I try to make it a game to see how fast she can get ready. If she is 'racing' me to get her clothes on, she doesn't fuss at all. I let my 3 1/2 year old pick her clothes, within reason. She fights it less if I let her have the option to pick little things like what color socks to wear. We also plan to be at the car 10 minutes before we need to leave, so that we have time to buckle her in and grab anything we forgot.

She goes to Grandma's preschool two days a week, and she does fight getting ready on preschool mornings. She doesn't want to eat, or get dressed, or go to the bathroom because they have all those things at school. Instead of fighting it, I grab the clothes and get her dressed in the back of the car when we get there.

[Just1More]

I'd also stop asking him to do it.

When it was getting close to time to go, I'd find him and put his shoes and jacket on. If there was much resistance, or I expected it, I would just change the routine.

So, when it's time to go, I'd just pick him up and say, "Okay, let's tell everyone good-bye." (And if he's screaming about it I would say something like, "You can say good-bye nicely, or I will have to put you straight into your seat." And then I'd follow through. When he was screaming in the car, I would repeat, "You did not want to leave, but it is not nice to scream at people. They will not want to play if you scream at them. You should say good-bye nicely. We will see them another day. I am sorry you are sad/mad/whatever."

As far as screaming, etc about not wanting you to help him get dressed or in his seat, and fighting you, I would not allow it. I would say, "When I let you do x, you do not y, so I will do it for you for a while." Sometimes I think we allow them too much freedom/choices, and it's too hard and overwhelming. Even if they protest, bringing in the reigns a bit, and telling them that they are still little, we can try again when you are 3, or whatever, helps mine a lot. It's almost a relief to them to know that I'm going to handle this thing for them for a while, but there is still a concrete time when they will be "big enough" for the job.

[lunarlady]

What works pretty well with my 3 yo DD is limited choices. So I say "Should mama put your shoes on, or do you want to do it yourself?" I wait, and ask one more time, then if she refuses to answer I say "okay, mama will do it." And then I do it. Something about having the choice makes things a bit easier.

Good luck.

[jkn]

I have the same problem sometimes, and what works really well for me, as some pp's have already mentioned is making it a game. I will often pretend to put on ds's clothes, or suggest that he put on mine. It never fails in getting him to get his stuff on! Although, sometimes things are just too rushed to take the time to play games like this, I always try to keep things fun.
Ds is three and he is only sometimes capable/willing to put on shoes, sweaters, jackets etc. so if he doesn't want to I encourage him to do it himself, and sometimes that works. He will get really excited about doing things "by myself" and though it takes a bit longer, it's worth it to avoid the battle.

[nina_yyc]

I invested the time in teaching DD to get ready herself and let her know it was her responsibility. Sometimes I will help if I'm on a tight schedule, but I tell her I am available to help right away and if she isn't ready she can do it herself. She tested me a couple times - I've left without her, not gone someplace because she didn't get ready, and taken her out the door in jammies and slippers. (I did pick times where enforcing the consequence would work out OK...like when I left without her obviously DH was home.) After she figured out I was serious she got her act together pretty fast.

That said, *I* tend to be kind of a mess getting out the door, juggling DS and all of his paraphernalia. DD sometimes waits until I am literally standing there with my hand on the knob to go for her coat and shoes, and this used to drive me nuts, but then I realized - what do I expect? A neat, tidy, ready kid waiting on the mat in her snow boots while I change the baby's oh-so-predictable last minute diaper? It took me awhile to fully trust that she *would* get herself ready quickly, but once I did and stopped giving excess reminders, getting out the door got a lot easier.

For battles getting in the seat I had to pick times where I had no place to be, ask her to get in the seat a couple times, then sit around for 20 minutes and surf the internet on the phone or play with the baby until she got around to it. After she figured out that I would do that, she stopped fighting me...let's face it, our parkade is pretty boring.

Getting ready was a complete disaster at 2.5, a work in progress at 3, and is pretty much problem-free at 3.5. Have faith, it's possible.