SAHMs--what do you say when asked "What you do"

[RosemaryS-F]

I have a weird insecurity about being a stay at home mom. For one thing, I don't really stay at home much...I also work a small amount but bring DS with me...doing childcare and also as an artist. Why do I feel insignificant when asked what I do? Or when working moms ask me what I've been up to or what I do all day? Are there any clever mamas out there that have a good answer for this? Am I the only one who feels strangely belittled by this circumstance? Eesh. I don't want to say anything apologetic or defensive or cutting or ANYTHING negative; the fact that I feel this way shows that I have my own issues, I realize. But I just would love some input from someone else on the matter.

[Amatullah0]

i feel the same way

I'm raising my child. I play with him, and love him. I'm his mommy. Thats what I do. but i think that hurts WOHM's feelings. theres no winning especially in my community, where everyone is expected to have a degree in medicine or engineering, etc. I was talking to a potential doula client who asked what i majored in in college(early childhood ed, no degree though) it was weird. I mean, ARGH, just ARGH (i did get the client though, the mom loved me that much, though the dad had a prob with the no-college aspect

[InMediasRes]

I usually just answer honestly, "You know, the usual, dishes, laundry, building castles, fighting pirates, saving the world."

I don't know how long you've been a SAHM, but I'm finding that I am more self-assured and value my own work more as time passes.

[limabean]

In your case, I'd say, "I'm home with the littles and also do some childcare and my artwork. How about you?" with a pleasant smile. The vast majority of the time, when someone asks what you do, they're just making harmless conversation and may not even really care about or pay attention to the answer.

[Katielady]

When asked what I do, I say "stay-at-home mom." I used to try to come up with something that's more accurate, such as "full-time childcare provider for my kids," but it just confused people. This is the term most people use for what I do, so I've decided to live with it. If I get a chance to elaborate I talk about how I'm rarely home, etc. I also mention I'm a part-time doula, but make sure to stress that being a SAHM is my main job.

When asked what I do all day, I just describe what I do. I figure people are genuinely curious, which is fine. I tell them every day is different, and might include laundry, cooking, cleaning, activities, field trips, hide n seek, arts n crafts, reading books. Sometimes I'm actively working with the kids, sometimes they're playing while I do household stuff. I might give an example of a recent activity, such as a trip to a farm.

I had one older woman, whose kids were raised by a live-in nanny, say to me, "But you can't just do ACTIVITIES all day???" I had no good answer at the time, but when I get my time machine I'm going back and saying, "Pretty much, yes. What do you think your nanny did with YOUR kids all day?"

[MsVyky]

I tell them I care for a high needs child, a high-needs husband, two high-needs dogs and a couple of low maintenance cats.

[RosemaryS-F]

That's so funny, Katielady, about the nanny. I love all these responses!

I've been a mom for 2 years. I only have one child.

I'm glad I'm not alone. Keep 'em coming!

[Masel]

Originally Posted by InMediasRes

I usually just answer honestly, "You know, the usual, dishes, laundry, building castles, fighting pirates, saving the world."

Love that response!

I say "I'm a stay at home parent" I think I really struggled with this as a gender issue.

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by InMediasRes

I usually just answer honestly, "You know, the usual, dishes, laundry, building castles, fighting pirates, saving the world."

I don't know how long you've been a SAHM, but I'm finding that I am more self-assured and value my own work more as time passes.

1) love that answer and

2) so true.

another thought- being honest about what you do doesn't have to be a comment on what anyone else is doing. Like, if you're talking with a WOHM, there's no need to feel weird about being a SAHM and describing your day. As long as everyone's being respectful of each other's choices, it's nice to learn more about how others go about their day.

[Arduinna]

You know, I have no idea why people even ask this question. I never ask someone "what do you do". I just find it totally bizarre. Maybe they are disabled, or retired or recently got laid off in this economy. Do you really want to hear any of those?

The same way I find people quizing other peoples kids on spelling or math or something.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by Amatullah0

i feel the same way

I'm raising my child. I play with him, and love him. I'm his mommy. Thats what I do. but i think that hurts WOHM's feelings. theres no winning especially in my community, where everyone is expected to have a degree in medicine or engineering, etc. I was talking to a potential doula client who asked what i majored in in college(early childhood ed, no degree though) it was weird. I mean, ARGH, just ARGH (i did get the client though, the mom loved me that much, though the dad had a prob with the no-college aspect

Yep there is no good answer unless you are some well paid professional, best to not even ask.

Just wondering exactly what degree this dad thought would help you in being a doula?

[Ornery]

My response may be too off-putting for some people but I usually say that I sit around eating bon bons and watching soap operas. Of course, I say it with a smile. (Not that there is anything wrong with sitting around eating bon bons and watching soap operas - it is just the farthest thing from what I do that I can think of)

I've found that when I try to specify what I do (go to school full time, take care of three children, a house, elderly parents, etc), it comes off as me being defensive. Most of the time people are trying to pigeonhole me when they ask that and I sure don't pigeonhole easily!

[zinemama]

I usually say I'm a writer and editor.

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

Yep there is no good answer unless you are some well paid professional, best to not even ask.

Just wondering exactly what degree this dad thought would help you in being a doula?

I dunno, I think it's fine to ask what people do. It's just a starting point for getting to know a person. Sometimes you find out something interesting about them, or something you have in common. It doesn't have to be a pissing contest.

My dad is a doctor and I remember feeling weird about *that* as a kid, like people were making assumptions about me and our family, that we were rich and I was spoiled etc.

So regardless of profession, it's best not to make assumptions about what it means about the person- but at the same time, there's no harm in asking.

[DaughterOfKali]

I'm also a WAHM so I tell them the name of my business.

[zoebird]

really?

see, i see this as a massive job because it is a massive job. when people ask me what i do, i say "everything else."

and they ask what i mean and i say "i manage our lives. i do everything else that my husband doesn't do."

and then they laugh and go "oh yeah." because even if they work, they know what i'm talking about.

i also found it helpful to list out what i actually do in regards to SAHMing. it's a lot. look at it this way:

Home Management

*scheduling-- i manage 3 personal schedules at this time, balancing the needs and interests of three different parties to create a balanced life for all of us. that is no small feat.

*logistics-- this is a huge undertaking. i do the meal planning and acquisition of the foods; i do the seasonal swtich outs (winter clothes, winter bedding, but also home maintenance related to the season--scheduling when the vent cleaners will come for example. i also manage the reduce-reuse-recycle process here. that is, i recognize when things need to be repaired, reduced, recycled, or replaced and do those logistics. i also do the budgeting related to all of these sorts of tasks.

Home Maintenance

In addition to doing all of the planning and scheduling of what needs to happen for the family, i also do a lot of the leg work to execute on these things.

It's not enough to go "oh, it's winter, and these winter clothes are ok, and those need to be reused, and those need to be replaced." but they also need to be cleaned, put away, made into their reuse forms, and those that need to be replaced need to actually be replaced. things that need to be recycled (given away, handed down or over) also needs to be done.

meal planning is deciding what to make. but the food has t be acquired, and then also prepared. with this, all of the requisite tools need to be available and maintained in good working order--cleaned, repaired and so on.

keep going down the list and you see the many elements involved.

Parenting

Parenting is a lot of work, and i believe that if you have chosen attachment parenting, you have chosen a very intensive form of parenting. the cornerstone of AP, imo, is really putting the child's needs first, which means keeping yourself as clear and open ashumanly possible.

monastics work their whole lives in the most simple conditions to try to achieve this, and we do it in relationship with another human being, usually with a household to run, an marital relationship to create and maintain, and many of us with WIH or WOH as well!

this is no small task and probably the most demanding method of attaining self knowledge and awareness.

by maintaining self-awareness, we are better able to AP.

----

do you get the idea? it's not just a laundry list of what you do daily, but also the MILLIONS of behind-the-scenes planning, preparing, and organizing elements so that life seems fun and effortless and wide open for our families to create and experience.

when you know what it is you do, you realize that you are the CEO of a small company whose emotional and personal success is dependent on the work that you do.

seriously, it is a lot of work. and people rarely recognize it.

in classic DH method, i was sick for a weekend. DH had to do most everything, save nursing the baby. except that under his care, the house was a mess. the dishes were dirty, the kitchen was messy (crumbs on the counter, etc). DS's toys were everywhere (and he doesn't have many). the laundry was in clean piles, as DH kept doing the laundry.

at one point, the baby had gotten fussy (which he does if the space is messy because he feels overwhelmed) and DH was hungry and kitchen wasn't clean and easy to use and the laundry was in a pile in his way to the bathroom and he kept stepping on toys. DH starts getting frustrated and exclaims: "I can hardly think with all of this mess! It's never like this! why is it like this?"

and i say "i guess the cleaning fairies took a vacation this weekend too."

and he stopped, laughed, and realized that *I* was that fairy who managed to keep the place clean and organized, to keep the food stocked properly, to keep the toys organized in a way that keeps DS from getting frustrated, and so on.

he realized that i do everything that he doesn't. and he doesn't even think of them.

[Viola]

I usually respond with the word nothing. And they say, "So you are a stay at home mom?" And I say, "Yes" and they say, "Oh, that's a hard job, you do a lot."

[philomom]

Originally Posted by limabean

In your case, I'd say, "I'm home with the littles and also do some childcare and my artwork. How about you?" with a pleasant smile. The vast majority of the time, when someone asks what you do, they're just making harmless conversation and may not even really care about or pay attention to the answer.

I do something similar only I add in my volunteer work and maybe a recent class I've taken for fun.. like pottery.

[KristyDi]

I usually say some version of "I'm blessed to be able to be a SAHM!"

It communicates that I'm pleased about the situation and value my status as a SAHM. It also reminds me that I should be proud, and not ashamed or less than others who get a pay check.

[DaughterOfKali]

Originally Posted by zoebird

really?

see, i see this as a massive job because it is a massive job. when people ask me what i do, i say "everything else."

Since I'm a single mom, I just say "Everything".