Etiquette for baby compliments?

[mambera]

So when another mama with a baby says your baby is cute/beautiful, how do you handle the obligatory return compliment?

Do you just immediately say how cute/beautiful/adorable their LO is also? Or do you just say thanks and try to work in a compliment later on in the conversation?

How offensive is it if you compliment someone else's kid and they don't compliment yours back?

[liliaceae]

I don't know, I always feel awkward when someone says my kids are cute or whatever, because I feel like I should say thank you, but I feel stupid thanking them because it's not an accomplishment of mine that my kids are cute, right?

But I don't usually return the compliment, because I feel like they would think I was just saying it because they did.

It wouldn't offend me in the least if someone didn't compliment my kids in return. I can't really imagine being offended by something like that. I guess if someone were offended, that would mean they only complimented your kids in order to get a compliment in return.

[sugarpop]

I don't know what is "proper", I just know what I do.

I usually smile and say to my daughter, who is only months old, say thank you. I figure it will teach her and is polite. I mean, obviously she isn't going to say thank you.

As far as returning the compliment...I am awful at this and feel if I do just return it, then it seems less genuine.

[Flower of Bliss]

I struggle with this too. I get compliments all the time on my 3 year old DDs looks (which are always kind and appropriate, but make her uncomfortable if directed to her). I generally just give a genuine smile and thank you and move on. I do often compliment others children - specific features, clothing, skills, behaviours, etc, but not necessarily as a return compliment. Still, I feel a little awkward about if I should respond with a compliment when I receive one.

[candelaria80]

Originally Posted by sugarpop

I don't know what is "proper", I just know what I do.

I usually smile and say to my daughter, who is only months old, say thank you. I figure it will teach her and is polite. I mean, obviously she isn't going to say thank you.

[hakeber]

That's interesting...If someone complimented YOU, your dress, your hair, whatever, would you feel compelled to return a compliment to them about their hair or dress?

I wouldn't. I'd just be gracious, say thank you and move on.

When people compliment my kids though, I can't really say thank you, because it is not a compliment of me...so I usually say "Yes, I agree, it's true." and smile like this: unless I am feeling irritated by them and then I say "Ya think? Ya want 'em? You can have them, half price."

I guess if they have kids right there I am not going to be like "I know, they're so much cuter than your ugly little ones, aren't they?" but I probably wouldn't go out of my way to compliment them unless I genuinely felt it.

[redpajama]

I don't think there's a "right" way to respond, but I know that if I pay someone a compliment and they respond by paying me the *same* compliment, 9 times out of 10 I'm going to think them disingenuous.

Why not just thank them for the compliment, and then pay-them-or-not-pay-them whatever compliment(s) you otherwise would have?

Honestly, while I love to hear people say nice things about my baby (or any of my kids), I have never once thought to myself, "Huh. I told them *their* baby was cute, but they never said that *my* baby was cute..." I'm sure it's happened, I just...don't really care.

I think you're overthinking this--has any of you ever been on the other side of that situation and actually felt offended because someone didn't re-pay your compliment with a similar one??

[Abraisme]

Originally Posted by liliaceae

I don't know, I always feel awkward when someone says my kids are cute or whatever, because I feel like I should say thank you, but I feel stupid thanking them because it's not an accomplishment of mine that my kids are cute, right?

But I don't usually return the compliment, because I feel like they would think I was just saying it because they did.

It wouldn't offend me in the least if someone didn't compliment my kids in return. I can't really imagine being offended by something like that. I guess if someone were offended, that would mean they only complimented your kids in order to get a compliment in return.

[Norasmomma]

I just say thank you-my kids are cute

Seriously though I get sooooo many compliments on both my children, DD is super cute and spunky with huge blue eyes and to die for lashes(thank you DH), people compliment her often. She says thank you. Now with DS it's weird because I have friends all with babies the same age, but DS is just more smiley and personable, so it's hard in that way. He is really cute, but it's his personality-which has been obvious since he was like a month old, he's just engaging.

Saying thanks to me is the best way to go about it.

[4myfinn]

Originally Posted by sugarpop

I usually smile and say to my daughter, who is only months old, say thank you. I figure it will teach her and is polite. I mean, obviously she isn't going to say thank you.

As far as returning the compliment...I am awful at this and feel if I do just return it, then it seems less genuine.

I do the same thing with DS. As for returning the compliment, I always do. I try to say something specific so it doesn't feel forced. Something like, "Your little guy is just adorable! Look at his long, thick eyelashes!"

Frankly, I think it's impolite not to say thank you when someone compliments your child. I can't take credit for the green eyes God gave me, but when someone compliments them I still say thank you; it would be downright rude to say, "Yes they are gorgeous!" and leave it at that.

[Drummer's Wife]

I just say thank you, and if their kid also happens to be cute (), I might comment on their cuteness. Or make conversation about something else, if there is time and it's not just in passing.

[2boyzmama]

Like a PP, my response varies based on my mood

I might say "well then, he's all yours, you won't think he's so cute at 3am!!"

Or

"I realize I might be biased, you know since he's my kid, but I think he's adorable too!"

Or

"Thanks, his eyes are my favorite feature, but his hair doesn't even begin to compare to your dd's curls, how beautiful!" which sort of returns the compliment.

Or

"He got his daddy's looks, thank goodness!" which is a self-depricating statement I guess, I don't mean it to be, so I've been shying away from that response. I've said "handsome like his daddy!" a few times.

[Novus]

Usually, I just smile and say thanks. Or I say "Say 'thank you!'" to DS, as a way to include him in the conversation...after all, it was a compliment to him, not me! Most people who have commented on DS don't have their own kids in tow, so I haven't been faced with the obligatory return compliment conundrum too often, but if it were to happen at a playdate or something, I'd probably reciprocate in some way, but I wouldn't return the *same* compliment because that seems insincere to me.

I wouldn't be at all offended if I said something positive about another baby and the parent didn't compliment my child back. In fact, return compliments always make me a little uncomfortable because then, I feel like the other parent thinks the only reason I commented on their child was to get a compliment back, if that makes sense.

[mambera]

Thanks for all the input mamas.

Originally Posted by sugarpop

I usually smile and say to my daughter, who is only months old, say thank you. I figure it will teach her and is polite. I mean, obviously she isn't going to say thank you.

I've done this but I feel like it leaves this awkward silence since obviously my dd isn't going to respond. (She's 10 mo, she has a few words but 'thank you' sure isn't one of them and she doesn't say her words to strangers either.) Maybe it will be smoother when she's older (and bigger and uglier, heh).

Originally Posted by hakeber

That's interesting...If someone complimented YOU, your dress, your hair, whatever, would you feel compelled to return a compliment to them about their hair or dress?

Good point. No, when that happens I usually say thank you and change the subject.

I guess if they have kids right there I am not going to be like "I know, they're so much cuter than your ugly little ones, aren't they?" but I probably wouldn't go out of my way to compliment them unless I genuinely felt it.

LOL!!! I find most kids are pretty cute (it's their job) so I can usually come up with something that is complimentary and also genuine.

A few times things have gone overboard and I have felt weird. Like one mama at the park just wouldn't let it go about how beautiful DD was, and then later in the conversation when I mentioned my DH spoke Hindi to her at home, this lady said, "Oh, she's mixed! That's why she's so beautiful!" I just felt weird about that and also I couldn't just keep saying thanks. Luckily her kid was pretty cute too so I gushed about his mop of blond curls for a while and felt better.

But yeah, I guess I will stop stressing about this. I can just do the thanks-and-move-on.

[JMJ]

I guess I have a different perspective about saying thank you. Maybe I'm just rude. I feel like I don't own my child in the same way that I own my body and my clothes, so I don't feel right If I were to thank someone for complimenting my child, it would have to be something to the effect of "Thanks for the compliment," or "It is sweet of you to say so."

I am also of the opinion that telling a child to do something that they are unable to do is pointless, and telling a child to say something that they don't mean is teaching them to be dishonest. When my child is old enough to understand, I intend to teach her that if someone says something nice to you that makes you feel good, a nice thing that you can say back to them is "thank you" and then let my child make her own decision what to say.

No offense to others who choose differently. I know, it's really a trivial thing, and I don't think that any of you are wrong for saying "thank you" or rhetorically telling your children to do so. I just overanalyze things. I have the same issues when people tell me how "good" she was during something. She is always good (by nature), and I don't control her behavior. She does!

[liliaceae]

Originally Posted by JMJ

I guess I have a different perspective about saying thank you. Maybe I'm just rude. I feel like I don't own my child in the same way that I own my body and my clothes, so I don't feel right If I were to thank someone for complimenting my child, it would have to be something to the effect of "Thanks for the compliment," or "It is sweet of you to say so."

I am also of the opinion that telling a child to do something that they are unable to do is pointless, and telling a child to say something that they don't mean is teaching them to be dishonest. When my child is old enough to understand, I intend to teach her that if someone says something nice to you that makes you feel good, a nice thing that you can say back to them is "thank you" and then let my child make her own decision what to say.

No offense to others who choose differently. I know, it's really a trivial thing, and I don't think that any of you are wrong for saying "thank you" or rhetorically telling your children to do so. I just overanalyze things. I have the same issues when people tell me how "good" she was during something. She is always good (by nature), and I don't control her behavior. She does!

I totally agree with you.

[nerdymom]

I normally just say thank you and smile real big. I feel that returning the complement can be disingenuous. I am trying to be more authentic in my person-to-person interactions, so that has me fighting some old habits like the rote, mirrored complements, or self-depreciating remarks like one pp mentioned. I will try to find a kind thing to say about someone's child at some point in a conversation, but if it's just a stranger I nod and smile and say thank you.

[Angelorum]

I also feel awkward saying thank you when someone compliments my son. They complimented him, not me. I usually say, "well we sure think so, but we're probably biased!" when people tell me he's cute.

The other day he got the most awkward compliment ever. DH and I were at the bank and the teller was grinning at him (our son, not dh, LOL) and asking how old he was. Then he said,

"He obviously got his good looks from his dad"

*long pause while I'm trying to decide what to make of that

then he says, "because his mom's still got her's"

By this time the transaction was over, so I just mumbled thanks and walked away confused. I mean really, what do you say to that? Thanks for making me think you were saying I was ugly, but then actually saying my dh is? I suppose he was trying to be funny, but it was just weird.

[4myfinn]

Originally Posted by JMJ

I guess I have a different perspective about saying thank you. Maybe I'm just rude. I feel like I don't own my child in the same way that I own my body and my clothes, so I don't feel right If I were to thank someone for complimenting my child, it would have to be something to the effect of "Thanks for the compliment," or "It is sweet of you to say so."

I think this is what most people mean when they thank someone for saying something nice. When I thank someone it is definitely in the realm of, "Thanks for the compliment." I assume that this is just understood.

When I thank someone on behalf of DS, I don't feel like I'm being dishonest or forcing something upon him that he can't understand; I feel like I'm teaching him and exposing him to common cultural courtesies from an early age, similar to why I am also exposing him to books at this early age. He can't read and may not even comprehend the story, but the exposure to books is hopefully planting the seed for him to become a good reader.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by Angelorum

I also feel awkward saying thank you when someone compliments my son. They complimented him, not me. I usually say, "well we sure think so, but we're probably biased!" when people tell me he's cute.

The other day he got the most awkward compliment ever. DH and I were at the bank and the teller was grinning at him (our son, not dh, LOL) and asking how old he was. Then he said,

"He obviously got his good looks from his dad"

*long pause while I'm trying to decide what to make of that

then he says, "because his mom's still got her's"

By this time the transaction was over, so I just mumbled thanks and walked away confused. I mean really, what do you say to that? Thanks for making me think you were saying I was ugly, but then actually saying my dh is? I suppose he was trying to be funny, but it was just weird.

Maybe he was flirting with your dh and then caught himsef and decided to step back into the closet.

AWKWARD!