Critique this letter to my dad please

[New_Natural_Mom]

Ugh, to keep a long story short (and hopefully entice you to read the entire *long* letter - my dad and I have had a tumuluous relationship. He often acts like a 13 year old boy who loves to be "naughty". He loves to stir up trouble and push people's buttons. He has done things in the past on purpose to hurt me and years later admitted it. He is very logical and can twist conversations around but not emotional. I thought we had come to a neutral place. I am never relaxed around him, but we haven't had a big argument in over a year.

He got mad about something I posted on facebook - I said that I realized I could only ever count on myself. He was offended and said I hurt a lot of people's feelings - which I assume is his way of saying I hurt his feelings. Then he stopped talking to me. DS saw the phone tonight and wanted to call gma and gpa. He got on the phone and told me he was going to use my email address to sign up for online poker. I said, "please don't do that" and he said ok bye and hung up on me. I am hurt and just kind of empty. It feels very juvenile. Please read and critique my super long letter. I value your input. Thanks!

Dad:

I’m not even sure what to say. We have always been very different, you and I, but still so much the same. I can understand that you don’t *get* me or where I am coming from or how I think. I can see how you don’t necessarily agree or understand what I am trying to do with my family. To be honest, there have been many times I couldn’t see where you were coming from or why you chose the actions you did. And that’s fine. I am just starting to see how difficult it must be to have a child have such a different worldview. But, as you like to say, it is what it is.

I suspect you are still upset over my facebook post, which is so ironic, since you proclaim to be anti-facebook and espouse how distasteful you find it, yet you seem to be especially focused on it. As I said before, I refuse to argue over a facebook post. You have no idea what prompted that status update, no reference as to the situation to which I was referring, and no cause to take it personally. And to be honest, I am not inclined to elaborate as to the who’s and why’s b/c it isn’t anyone’s business but mine. But as I said, I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings but my own. You are perfectly entitled to your feelings and they are valid because they are yours.

I was pretty stunned when you hung up on me tonight. First of all, I don’t think it appropriate to hang up on anyone and find it a somewhat juvenile response to not wanting to address something. I’m stunned that you would hang up on me because I didn’t want you to use my email address for online gambling. Ignoring for a moment how ridiculously easy it is to set up dummy accounts in yahoo and google, I fail to see how protecting my own email account (politely) would set you off. I am very particular with where I choose to provide my email address which accounts for the relatively small amount of spam I receive. In fact, I have a number of dummy email accounts myself just so I can use them for temporary purposes like you explained.

Where do we go from here? I’m never sure when we see each other if it is going to be pleasant or a disaster. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop depending on your mood and it makes me tense and not always able to enjoy our time together.

We have 30 years of a rather tumultuous history. I am so jealous of families I see where they are close in a way that is free of sarcasm, defenses, and games. I wish we could have an easier relationship where we can interact in a respectful, non-judgmental, non-argumentative, peaceful way. That is what I am trying to focus on for myself and my family for the rest of our lives – peace. Actually, it’s what I have always wanted and almost never achieved.

You have always seemed to thrive on stirring the pot, pushing people’s buttons, and trying to get a rise out of people. That always puts me on my guard and prevents me from being completely at ease around you. I always feel like you are trying to find a way to compete or win or play some game. It just stresses me out and makes me sad. As I said originally, I am only responsible for my feelings and this is what they are.

I don’t expect you to change for me, or change at all for that matter. I don’t claim to be perfect or to know all the answers, but I can honestly say that I am working very hard to be a better person for myself and a constantly improving role model for Spencer. I want him to be able to do as I say and as I do – I want them to be congruous.

I don’t want to fight with you and I don’t want to close myself off or pull away, but I am committed to eschewing drama and negativity. I have enough stuff to deal with in my life and I can’t handle the stress anymore of added drama. I hope you can take this in the spirit in which it’s intended. I have no malice. No anger. No ulterior motive. I am just trying to be honest and communicate how I am feeling. I am not blaming you. I am not saying you are wrong or bad. You are who you are and I am who I am. My only goal and desire is to find a way for us to interact with each other in a way that is easiest and most satisfactory for us both (and hopefully most respectful of each other and our feelings.)

If you read all that - bless you.

[zinemama]

To be honest, I wouldn't send it. I wouldn't put the energy into it. From what you say of this man, he wouldn't take from it what you have so heartfeltfully (is that a word) put in it.

Someone who acts like a 13yo boy at his age is unlikely to change because of a letter. He is more likely to take it as an opportunity to rile you up in his response. I have btdt with my father and believe me, I know how you feel. But a letter isn't going to change things. He is the way he is, and he sounds pretty juvenile, as you say.

My advice: ignore it and, if you don't want to cut him out of your life entirely, maintain a strictly bland neutrality around everything with him, never taking his bait, never responding to anything he says with more than a mild, "Oh really," or "More bean dip?"
It can be difficult, but it is well worth not having the emotional hassle of dealing with someone like him.

Good luck.

[choli]

I agree with what zinemama said. There is nothing to be gained by giving a spoon to someone who loves to stir the pot.

[sebandg'smama]

I agree with zinemama, don't send it. It's excellent to get all that out, but will he really read it? So consider it an exercise in journalling, to maybe figure out what you want from him and what he's able to give you. And it sounds like with the emotional maturity of a 13 year old, he is not able to give you what you are looking for.

Focus your energy and time into things that bring you joy.



-Melanie

[New_Natural_Mom]

Is this naive, but what if this is a lightbulb for him? I am sure he will read it if I send it.

Should I show it to my mom (non-electronically) so she can see why I am pulling my immediate family away? There is a growing distance between myself and my parents. To be honest, as DS grows I get more hurt about the choices my parents made in parenting me - especially after tentatively broaching the subject with them they said they wouldn't do anything differently. Really, after 30 years of reflection you wouldn't change anything? The Cleavers we weren't.

I can see that they don't interact with me the way that *I* needed. My dad used to think reverse psychology was a good idea so he always told me I would never be able to do something (reach a goal) because he said he thought it would motivate me to try harder. All it did was give me an inferiority complex that lasts to this day.

I hate leaving things unfinished or unsaid though. I feel like if I don't send it it will eat at me.

[sebandg'smama]

Then you should send it.
Just know that you are setting your hopes really high that he will have a lightbulb moment, when all your past interactions with him say something else.

The only advice I have when dealing with difficult family members is that they need to show you that they want to change and are making steps to do so, in a sense prove it to you. You can never make anyone change.

When I started to focus on me and my immediate little family, established boundaries (as in you may not speak to me that way or I am leaving/hanging up) my life was so much more peaceful.


-Melanie

[laohaire]

The author of Toxic Parents, Susan Forward, actually does recommend confrontation. However, it's not as simple as that. You have to be prepared emotionally for it, to let go of your expectations for how the parent may react. The ultimate goal of the confrontation is not to change the parent in any way. If they do change and repent (which she says does happen on occasion - but not usually), great. But the point of it is just empowering YOU. She says the people she works with who prepare for the confrontation and decide to do it and do it, find they feel really empowered by getting their feelings out in the open and placing the responsiblity for specific issues squarely on the parent (instead of carrying it around themselves forever). So she says when you are fully prepared for it, it almost doesn't matter how the parent responds, the job is done when you say your piece.

So, I strongly recommend reading the book. You may wish to go through with a letter, or a phone call, or a face-to-face meeting. But you should really be prepared first, or your father's reponse (or possibly lack thereof) can be devestating. She has some very specific suggestions for how to structure a letter (or verbal confrontation). I would not send that letter until reading that book, but since you seem moved to get your feelings out in the open (which is a great thing if done right), I'd definitely read the book and proceed from there.

[New_Natural_Mom]

I sent it. I will check out that book though, thanks. I don't know if he is toxic. He sure used to be. If anything, he taught me a valuable lesson about the kind of parent I *don't* want to be. I love him, but I don't think he ever took the time to really see me for me, instead of who he saw that I was - if that even makes any sense. And I think he tried/tries to parent who he thinks he sees.

Oh well. Tomorrow my son turns 2 years old and I know that I will do everything in my power to know that he is loved and treasured for his true self and that it will always be safe for him with me.

Thanks for your comments.