How much travel for work is too much in your opinion?

[That Is Nice]

I feel at my breaking point. I work part time (30 hours/wk). It's a lovely job with really great benefits and good people, who I admire. But the travel unravels and complicates my life.

How much travel is too much by your standards? I'm really curious to know. What would be the point where you as a mother who works part time, and therefore has part time day care, and also has a young child (younger than kindergarten age) with no help from parents/inlaws and very little help from a spouse says this is just too much travel?

I have had to travel out-of-state multiple day trips five times in a year. That isn't including the multitudes of other meetings locally, which are easier to do. It's the 5 out of state trips that have gotten to me.

Is that a reasonable amount do you think? A lot? Very little? Please give me some perspective. Thank you!

[Carita]

I hate travel - only because I hate flying. But this year with lots of help/support from spouse mostly (and some family help), I have made at least 4 week long out of state trips and a few long weekend trips to the far parts of the state all in the last year. This doesn't include lots of travel within about a 1.5 hr radius. I have been very stressed out, but its the name of the game.

5 times in a year for only day trips is less than every other month, which seems reasonable to me, but only if its part of your job. I know that most jobs in my field will require some travel on my part, so its part of the price I pay, but it does get very hard when I have several trips in a row - and it always seems to come in waves like that. I think you have to decide if this job is worth that travel stress, and see what you or your spouse can do to help during these waves of lots of travel.

Your spouse needs to know that he needs to help or you need to find a new job that may pay less - even approach it as a business negotiation if that's what he needs to understand the toll. In the end, only you can decide if the travel is something you can and want to put up with. Alternatively, you could approach work and ask if there is anyway to give up some of your job responsibility which includes travel, but I imagine that would also involve a pay cut.

What is it about the day travel out of state that is most exhausting? Do you fly? Is it just a far drive? Can you find some other route besides driving yourself? Can you negotiate a hotel stay?

[meemee]

That is Nice - when dd was 2 i would go out for a couple of days at least once a month.

to me it seems like even one trip a year is too much for you without ANY kind of support from ex. at 2 my dd could happily stay with exh. so i could have gone for 3 4 days at a time without too much trouble. i might have just had to pump to relieve myself.

so really what is reasonable depends on the kind of help. if you dont have any help then even one trip a year is too much.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Carita

I hate travel - only because I hate flying. But this year with lots of help/support from spouse mostly (and some family help), I have made at least 4 week long out of state trips and a few long weekend trips to the far parts of the state all in the last year. This doesn't include lots of travel within about a 1.5 hr radius. I have been very stressed out, but its the name of the game.

5 times in a year for only day trips is less than every other month, which seems reasonable to me, but only if its part of your job. I know that most jobs in my field will require some travel on my part, so its part of the price I pay, but it does get very hard when I have several trips in a row - and it always seems to come in waves like that. I think you have to decide if this job is worth that travel stress, and see what you or your spouse can do to help during these waves of lots of travel.

Your spouse needs to know that he needs to help or you need to find a new job that may pay less - even approach it as a business negotiation if that's what he needs to understand the toll. In the end, only you can decide if the travel is something you can and want to put up with. Alternatively, you could approach work and ask if there is anyway to give up some of your job responsibility which includes travel, but I imagine that would also involve a pay cut.

What is it about the day travel out of state that is most exhausting? Do you fly? Is it just a far drive? Can you find some other route besides driving yourself? Can you negotiate a hotel stay?

Thanks!

It's actually not day trips. It's been 5 out of state over night travel.

What makes it so difficult is one, the meeting. I feel overtapped and meetings are difficult for me.

But what really makes it difficult is that the travel, when overnight, as it always is, requires 2-3 days, generally, and I don't have full time day care. I have part time day care because I work part time and the hours of the job are part time.

I get comp time, of course, with the travel, but because I have no daycare on at least one or two of the travel days, I either have to buy the extra care, if a spot is available, which is very pricey. It's very expensive to buy day care a la carte.

Or I have to find alternate care (impossible). Or DH has to take 2-3 days off of work (tricky).

I'm always at a loss when it comes to the travel part of my job...so 5 overnights out of state this year have seemed like a lot to me.

[waiflywaif]

I have part time day care because I work part time and the hours of the job are part time.

In your posts about work, you have often said that you work barely less than full time. So it's not really part time...it's close to full time. To me it's very simple, you need full-time childcare. On days off you could choose to send your child or not.

I don't think that amount of travel is that big a deal, but then again I have a supportive spouse.

It almost sounds like you are looking for a reason to quit your job. Which is perfectly fine if you can swing it, but I don't know if getting other posters' opinions about "How much travel is too much" will help you. The answer is going to be different for everyone depending on life circumstances.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

In your posts about work, you have often said that you work barely less than full time. So it's not really part time...it's close to full time. To me it's very simple, you need full-time childcare. On days off you could choose to send your child or not.

I don't think that amount of travel is that big a deal, but then again I have a supportive spouse.

It almost sounds like you are looking for a reason to quit your job. Which is perfectly fine if you can swing it, but I don't know if getting other posters' opinions about "How much travel is too much" will help you. The answer is going to be different for everyone depending on life circumstances.

Thanks. No, I really just want to know how much travel is too much in others' opinions.

I know many working mothers. Many. Nearly all my friends are working mothers like me. And most of them work part time (around 80%). And none of them have to travel out of state as much as I travel.

Maybe they travel out of state once a year for a major conference or something.

So, five trips out of state that last 2-3 days feels like a lot to me.

Of my friends who do travel (the once or twice a year ones) here's what they did (they work part time as well):

Their mother came to stay for the duration of the trip. Their husband works 37 hours a week and has a day off during the week and used the day off and a vacation day.

That's how they "swung it."

As for full time day care, on part time wages, full time day care is too expensive. I can't go full time in my job permanently. In fact, my job originally was for less hours, I've just increased it as much as possible. So, I can't work more hours as a solution. I already maxed that out.

Day care is really expensive a la carte. And often not available. I mean, a day care center with additional capacity any day of the week is probably under-enrolled and losing money. Our daycare is not under-enrolled. There is a waiting list. And I couldn't get my child in on the days where there is travel where we aren't already contracted for care.

I'm not looking for an excuse to quit. This travel really is a problem for me. It just doesn't work.

But that isn't the only thing about work, obviously. The meetings really take a toll on me. I'm not cut out for this role.

[madskye]

I work 30 hours a week and travel probably once per month, on average, one to two nights out of the home. I try not to do more than two nights. Some months I don't go anywhere, but then I find the next month I'll have to do two trips, so now I try to plan ahead and stagger what I need to do each season. I am also signed up for daycare 4 days per week, and when I travel, I just ask the center if she can come on Weds, her usual day home with me. It's never been a problem and we went from a very popular kindercare to a smaller, more exclusive preschool with before and after care now.
They do charge me a la carte for it, and it is expensive, but over all I figured out I'm still saving money by only doing 4 days per week 75% of the time.

[waiflywaif]

Their mother came to stay for the duration of the trip. Their husband works 37 hours a week and has a day off during the week and used the day off and a vacation day.

Off topic, but that's very odd. If the dad took days off for the trip, then why would another adult be needed? Or was the trip much longer than I'm thinking?

How much travel is too much by your standards? I'm really curious to know. What would be the point where you as a mother who works part time, and therefore has part time day care, and also has a young child (younger than kindergarten age) with no help from parents/inlaws and very little help from a spouse says this is just too much travel?

I'm still not just sure what you're looking for here in terms of answers/opinions. It wouldn't be too much for me. I work full time and so does my husband, but he would take vacation and/or work from home if I needed to be gone for 2-3 days. Actually we have a part-time nanny currently so I'd just ask her to work extra hours, but if we didn't have childcare that's how it would work. I'd do the same for him.

But clearly the travel is too much for you, you make that more clear with each post. So if you don't have the bargaining power to ask your work to reduce it, then you need to look at your childcare arrangements.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by madskye

I work 30 hours a week and travel probably once per month, on average, one to two nights out of the home. I try not to do more than two nights. Some months I don't go anywhere, but then I find the next month I'll have to do two trips, so now I try to plan ahead and stagger what I need to do each season. I am also signed up for daycare 4 days per week, and when I travel, I just ask the center if she can come on Weds, her usual day home with me. It's never been a problem and we went from a very popular kindercare to a smaller, more exclusive preschool with before and after care now.
They do charge me a la carte for it, and it is expensive, but over all I figured out I'm still saving money by only doing 4 days per week 75% of the time.

Thanks so much for this. See, now my job is seeming more reasonable, and like I just need to figure out a better way to make it work.

I've used the a la carte day care (a lot, actually) for meetings and for travel that falls outside of my regular schedule. It does add up. At first, I thought, OK, not a huge deal, it's part of working, right? Then, there was a month where I basically broke even after the a la carte daycare added up. And then there was a second month. And then there were plenty of days where the day care was at capacity the day that I needed the a la carte, and I didn't even have the option.

This is where I run into real trouble, when they have no room to add my child that day...even when I asked a month or two in advance. I mean, when they can't go over capacity, they can't, and I wouldn't really want them to anyway. I mean, that would be against the law, and I'm glad my day care follows the law.

The thing is, I can't really see myself not working.

I mean, yeah, it would be so much easier, and it gives me a sense of relief and a solution, but, really, deep down, I can't see myself not working long term. It's who I am, it's important to me, and I find my career interesting, rewarding, and stimulating.

If I didn't have this pre-school aged child, there'd be no question. I'd work, and I'd figure out how to get up to speed in this new job in this new field. It's the parenting role that is complicating my usual go-to moves. And, obviously, parenting comes first, which I'm dedicated to but not used to.

I like working, and placing my all in work, and doing well, and I can't do that when parenting is the number one goal, I have no support system, I'm doing it all on my own, and when there is travel and no day care.

Maybe I'm already doing i the best I can and I'm just not going to be able to be any better at the job or at parenting/juggling the schedule. I really feel optimized out - tapped - the way it is.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

Off topic, but that's very odd. If the dad took days off for the trip, then why would another adult be needed? Or was the trip much longer than I'm thinking?

No, I meant two different examples I'd heard of for two different friends of mine who are working moms with part time professional jobs requiring some travel out of state.

For one, the mother came. For the other, her husband has a very flexible schedule, works weekends, and longer shifts, and has multiple days off during the week (instead of the weekend) where he takes the kids.

[waiflywaif]

Then, there was a month where I basically broke even after the a la carte daycare added up.

I say this all the time, but I will continue to say it until society's way of thinking about this changes. YOU didn't break even. Daycare is a family expense. It does not by default "come out" of the mom's salary.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

I'm still not just sure what you're looking for here in terms of answers/opinions. It wouldn't be too much for me. I work full time and so does my husband, but he would take vacation and/or work from home if I needed to be gone for 2-3 days. Actually we have a part-time nanny currently so I'd just ask her to work extra hours, but if we didn't have childcare that's how it would work. I'd do the same for him.

But clearly the travel is too much for you, you make that more clear with each post. So if you don't have the bargaining power to ask your work to reduce it, then you need to look at your childcare arrangements.

Maybe see my post about two posts ago. I wish I had the number to reference...perhaps in a minute I'll post it.

Um, well, I guess I'm looking for ways to deal and for perspective.

I mean, the situation you described above is simply not available to me. My husband can not work from home. Period. Not an option for us. And he almost never takes vacation or time off. He feels he can't/I feel he won't. It's going on more than a decade trend. He's not going to change. As I posted many times, if I start to push for something outside of his routine and usual behavior, and his own expectations, I get called the female derogatory names. Every time pretty much. I can't get him to change or he lashes out.

And, quite truthfully, I DO NOT trust my husband to be alone with our child, in our home while I am gone. I simply do not. As I said, but probably in another thread, he has made large purchases that I was against while I was away (multiple times). He uses it as an opportunity. And he has threatened on more than one occasion when angry that he would destroy everything I own. I don't know if he would, but I know I no longer have any dining room chairs because of him. That's another topic, I suppose.

I've priced nannies / an au pair. It wouldn't be worthwhile to work given the prices around here. And I'm more comfortable with a center that is licensed and monitored. Obviously, that is my choice and I don't have the flexibility I would have with a nanny because of my choice, so that part is self-inflicted.

But, as I said, I can't see myself not working, and ultimately, in the long run, I wouldn't be very happy without a job, especially as my child gets older, and my career is very important to me, not to mention the financial aspect that DH wouldn't step up to and be someone I could depend on.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

I say this all the time, but I will continue to say it until society's way of thinking about this changes. YOU didn't break even. Daycare is a family expense. It does not by default "come out" of the mom's salary.

I know that. I believe that. And I also get a good retirement from work. So, yeah, I get that.

But when I work an entire month, travelling, lots of tough meetings, and I'm so worn out AND then my bank account looks worse than it did the month before and I either brought in what I spent on work/day care or I spent more on work / day care, it does have a toll. On the psyche. On the finances. It does have a toll even if the externalities of working and the accounting of day care halved between two working parents is the reality.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

I say this all the time, but I will continue to say it until society's way of thinking about this changes. YOU didn't break even. Daycare is a family expense. It does not by default "come out" of the mom's salary.

I do believe that too.

But, sometimes it seems like it's a myth. And it's sort of like the myth that two working parents share child rearing and home care taking? Right? 50/50? That two working spouses equally take days off for school closures and when the child is sick or has a doctor appointment?

I don't live in that world of 50/50 in my marriage. See my post below about how I mentally know what you are saying, but how I feel after a month of hard work, travel, and meetings where I don't really see any financial gain that month, because work expenses or day care cost the same as I made, or, worse, more than I made. That has happened a handful of times. Usually, I come out ahead...except when I have to travel or buy extra day care, when available, for meetings. And that's the easy solution. It's when the extra day care isn't available to buy that is the real problem.

[waiflywaif]

Well, my perspective has been given. Like I said, YOU think it's too much travel, and that's all that matters. Either it gets reduced somehow or you work around it, right? Those are the only options for anyone who is unhappy with their work-travel situation.

Not trying to be snarky, honest. I'm just a little at loose ends here about what you mean by "perspective."

But, sometimes it seems like it's a myth. And it's sort of like the myth that two working parents share child rearing and home care taking? Right? 50/50? That two working spouses equally take days off for school closures and when the child is sick or has a doctor appointment?

I can assure you it's not a myth for everyone. Although it's not a strict 50/50 for school closures in my household, more of a "according to each other's needs." We look at the calendar and see who has a meeting, etc, to decide who will cover it.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

I can assure you it's not a myth for everyone. Although it's not a strict 50/50 for school closures in my household, more of a "according to each other's needs." We look at the calendar and see who has a meeting, etc, to decide who will cover it.

Oh, I'm fully aware of that - that it's not a myth for everyone. I gave the example of my two friends who travel for work and what they do to cover child care since they also work part time and don't have full time day care. Their husbands, from my outsider's perch, are wonderful. I am pretty sure career/childrearing is not a walk in the park for these lovely couples, but it goes much more smoothly for them than it does for me.

My husband does not look at his calendar and we both decide who will cover x, y, or z need. For instance, it was just spring break in the last month. Schools all over the country shut down for spring break. We had the same thing happen to us, personally, last year. And yet DH acted surprised, taken aback that it was spring break and the school would be closed. And who handled the break? Me. As always.

DH didn't even know how long the break was for. I mean, I have sent him the school calendar. He doesn't ever look at it. He called the school "sheisters" (spelling) for taking our money but shutting down for so long.

For a spring break that happens every year. He said he can't remember a year ago and forgot we had it off last year, too. It's really strange...his remarks about things like this...which is why I've often felt perhaps he does have Asperger's or something like that. He's OK with techical things. He's a bit socially awkward. He doesn't have good eye contact. He can't read people. He doesn't connect well with people or really understand people's feelings. And he can't remember things like spring break that happen every year.

Or maybe he's a jerk and he just uses those things as excuses. I don't know. It's bizarre.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I dont think it matters what WE think is to much travel for work. What matters is it is pretty obvious all the traveling YOU do for YOUR job is to much for YOU. period. But then again, your husband treating you as horribly as he does would make any situation miserable. Even pleansent ones.

I have tried reading through your other thread about this, and I just can't do it. I get half way through one of your posts and I just want to cry/throw up/hunt your husband down and let the air out of his tires. Its no wonder you are so stressed mama. I know you said you have no one and there is NOTHING you can do and NO WHERE you can go, but mama, MAMA! This entire situation sounds horrific. YOU HAVE NO DINING ROOM CHAIRS BECAUSE OF HIM!?!?!?! I to think what that is about.

My husband and I have had our fair sure of tough times and phases, we are working through one at the moment (I am working on some serious self improvement from YEARS of feeling like i mattered squat to him) Its a work in progress. But I have yet to be fearful of leaving the kids with him, of what he may do to my posessions in my absence, or of being called a tw*t or worse!

Back to the original question, I think the amount of travel and whats reasonable is based alot on the type of job. I have a very well paying job in accounting. My mother has a very well paying job working for a large grocery chain handling alot of the buying of their specialy cheeses. She has NEVER traveled since 1993. I have traveled a total of 3 times since 2002. I am looking at having to travel to Canada for the first time since 2004! Am I worried about my husband doing all the child care by himself for the 3 days/2 nights I will be gone. No. It will be out of the norm for him, BUT I did it last spring when he had to work out of town for almost a month straight.

I wish you lived near me mama. Your daughter could definetly come stay with me while you traveled. For REALS!

[GuildJenn]

Last year for work I travelled 5 times; this year I wish it were more even though press trips are exhausting. (Most of my travel was to central HQ.) I love them and I am already plotting to bring my son when he's in his teens so he can see stuff too. Even though it is vaguely unprofessional I think I could work it out.

My husband covers anything unusual, but to be fair I also have full-time daycare. I will say that when I was on maternity leave one of my friends who's a single parent had to travel and I took her child and I didn't mind a bit - it was tiring, but it was also lots of fun. She couldn't afford to pay me a lot, but it paid for a nice dress I couldn't justify otherwise.

I know your child has a few special challenges, but I wanted to put that out there. Do your coworkers have kids? I might put it out at work and see - maybe people have relatives or solutions around. Just asking can't hurt.

All that said - I really think your husband should pay for the care when you travel. Because he can either take vacation, or pay for care. It's really that simple. Why do you have to cover it? He's made it clear your job is not optional.

[texmati]

What happens at work if you refuse?

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by texmati

What happens at work if you refuse?

Yikes.

I guess it's not in my personality to do that. I work for a non-profit. My salary is funded with gifts made from philantropists (wealthy ones, but still...). The work we do is public interest based and important (in my eyes). I really believe in the mission. And I like my boss...a lot...I wouldn't want to let anyone down.

I don't think I have it in me to refuse.

What would happen? Well, I'm not sure, but it is part of the job, and it's not like it's just optional travel to conferences and things. It's travel to presentations and meetings where I run things / help run things. I'm integral to the meeting. So, if I can't do it, I guess I would have to resign, and that would be the expectation at work.

In an emergency situation, I'm sure they would be accommodating and understanding. But as a matter of course? To refuse to travel? No, that wouldn't fly and I couldn't fault them for that. It's essential to the job.

I couldn't in good conscience refuse. And they would definitely have legitimate grounds to let me go if I did.