So frustrated

[smeisnotapirate]

37w here with my rainbow HBAC. Thrilled and excited beyond words.

I'm just angry and frustrated that people I love, people who know me and know how hard I research and study everything and how horrible my birth with DS was, keep saying things like:

"are you SURE having baby at home is ok?"
"so who's your midwife again?"
"what happens if something goes wrong?"
"you do know that if something happens, you have to wait for 911, right?"
"what's wrong with just having the baby in the hospital?"
"i don't mean for this to sound judgy, but..............."



I'm so sick of this! I want to go off on them and make them understand that they're essentially accusing me of being reckless and stupid (which they would, of course, deny) or tell them to shut up until they've done the research, but I know they care about me and that's why they're concerned. I get that.

But why??? Argh!! I know that if I do have baby at home, I will be "one of the lucky ones" and if I transfer to the hospital again, it will be "of course, because it's not safe!"

Just feeling upset and angry that people keep bringing it up. NOT ONCE have I been the person to bring up the fact that I'm birthing at home, because it's perfectly normal to me because I'm low-risk.

WHY DO THEY INSIST ON BRINGING IT UP OVER AND OVER???

[lovebug]

i just want to give you a ... i totally know where your coming from and my family is the same way. and all of their comments i want to say about the hospital!!!

i have learned that if i just end it at i feel any women should be able to birth however she feel seem to work and has no come back

but hugs to you! because it is hard!

[dannic]

Part of it I'm sure comes from concern and worry or fear for you and baby. (as I'm sure you know) But regardless, it is annoying and hard to deal with when you have myriad emotions already.
My third birth was my HB. Because I didn't want to deal with other's fearful or judgemental remarks, I wasn't going to tell anybody until after. I didn't want my thoughtful, fully researched, good-for-me-choice argued about or disparaged, ect. And I didn't tell--until I was 7 mos! Sudden'y I switched and wanted to tell the world, lol. (pregnancy) I knew my MIL would be full of anxiety over it, but I still told her.
I don't get a lot of comments this time around (or haven't yet, lol) but they are bothersome! And the way I'm feeling these days, I'm sure I'd argue the point this time around instead of being diplomatic.
So no real help, but commiseration.

[cathicog]

I would just tell them "I've done the research and this is the healthiest and safest route for me and the baby, and that's all I want to hear about it..." At some point you may have to tell people to not even bring it up unless they do thier own research on the safety of homebirth...

[RomanGoddess]

I waited until the last month to tell people that I would be giving birth at home. I still got the "your so brave" remarks but at the point I was super confident about my choice so my response was simply "Oh, I think it's far more brave to give birth in the hospital."

[MyFillingQuiver]

I can totally relate to you. I'm very thankful that my parents, the only family that live close, are extremely supportive and affirming of our non-mainstream choices...they, themselves were mainstream, raised us mainstream, and are now similarly minded over issues such as over medicalization, vax'ing, more natural living, etc.

However, LOL! My DH's entire family is NOT. They live far away, so we are mostly "the whack-job breeders up in Idaho" family. My MIL has a Masters of Nursing and is a professor. She still asks me when we talk when I'm going back to college...she's switched from having commentary, to pretty much just asking leading/loaded questions to attempt to make me (and my supportive family) out to look like uneducated hicks.

My SIL is a child psychologist, and I can just imagine her ideas about how we "keep having children" and don't take them to the Dr or vaccinate must be circulating. I know this because of things I've "heard through the grapevine".

When I was pg with #4, I had a tubal ligation because of their negativity. I had severe PTLS and subsequent regret...had a reversal and now expecting TR baby #2. I will never again allow them to influence us. They live their life, and choose their paths of mainstream and materiality and we'll choose our path. The most bothersome aspect I think, is that they seem to equate choices to homebirth, no vax, etc., (or things we haven't yet chosen but totally respect and support such as UC) are often equated with ignorance, negligence or a lack of funds and trying to buck the system. All I know is that I'm more educated, less negligent and in a better financial position when we've made the choices, than when we were more mainstream.

Last pregnancy, my MIL asked me "when the c-section date was scheduled". I told her (while driving her back to the airport) that I'd be having a VBA2C at the hospital in the next state, and that I'd never let them slice me open again, unless it was a life and death situation. She said, "Wow, I guess I shouldn't be surprised..you guys never do things the easy or normal way." Hmmm...Ok...

So this time, I am astoundingly proud and excited about our decision to birth at home...so, I sent out a family update a couple months back (due in August) with pics of the kids and all, and casually mentioned we were looking forward to birthing in the comfort of our own home, with all of our blessings home with us.

No one wrote back. It's terribly sad to me that no one wishes to acknowledge we are having more children...get excited about it, and nearly as sad that no one wishes to discuss how beautifully our last child entered the world (naturally) and how a homebirth is a wonderful start at a healthy and loving life with family.

It makes me sad, but I'm thankful I don't need their approval to feel validated.

You hang in there. Be proud and confident of your choices!

[leavemealone]

I didn't tell people ahead of time with my last birth. This time, family kind of expects it, but I haven't gotten too much grief about it. MIL calls DH directly so I don't have to talk to her. Friends who know I had a home birth last time either know I am having one this time or haven't asked. My mother is kind of annoying asking me why I'd "want to do that again". I had a bit of a tough recovery from that birth and she's asked me why I don't go back to the hospital b/c the recover was so much easier. My parents happened to be in town when my second child was born and I had an easy recovery. To her, home birth is to tough recovery as hospital birth is to easy recovery. We all know that isn't true and each birth can be very different from the last. Somehow, she seems to have forgotten the recovery I had after my first birth (planned hospital labor, ending in a c-section). In any case, I let non supportive comments pass me by and focus on the supportive comments.

[NortheastSuperstar]

I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

I would probably tend to let it ride, but my snide comment would probably be "you obviously have not done the research on homebirth and have not tried to give birth peacefully, naturally, and drug free in a hospital in a while."

[loriann]

I feel your pain!! My partners family is being the same way to us. I had a *miserable* hospital birth with first child. I have decided after doing much research that I want to have a peaceful homebirth. It is hard to have to be met with so much criticism and narrowmindedness from people. I get very upset and frustrated by it, but in the long run I know it is my choice and what I feel is the best for our family. I am glad I found this forum. I feel like I am not alone now.

[alton]

Maybe if you said sweetly "I love that you care enough to worry! You simply must read some of these articles to help put your mind at ease" and then hand them a large bundle of print-outs, preferably the medical periodical type articles, that might create some space for you.

Try not to take it as an attack on your judgement and more as a reflection of where they are at. Mostly what people say has more to do with them than has to do with you.

[*MamaJen*]

Probably because they haven't done the research and don't know the facts. Simple as that.

[twead]

dh encountered this w/ his mother, she was a L&D nurse for 25+ years in a very conservative, medically mainstream, 'docs are gods' area. She gave him all the rote fear-mongering that she had heard the docs tell the patients. DH told her that we were smart enough to make our own decisions, spending a ton of time doing our own research, and until she had done research on her own instead of regurgitating the fear tactics she had heard from the docs then her opinion was not valid and would not be listened to. It really irritated me, so I called SIL (a total lame move on my part, I should have called MIL) and told her we really wanted them to be a part of our pregnancy, but if they couldn't be supportive of our decisions then we would refrain from sharing. They are totally 'read between the lines' kind of people. It was a very strong message that said if they want to be included then shut up.

Sometimes people just don't understand..... good luck and I hope you find a method that gives you the peace you deserve.

[To-Fu]

Originally Posted by cathicog

I would just tell them "I've done the research and this is the healthiest and safest route for me and the baby, and that's all I want to hear about it..." At some point you may have to tell people to not even bring it up unless they do thier own research on the safety of homebirth...

[jeslynmo]

Originally Posted by *MamaJen*

Probably because they haven't done the research and don't know the facts. Simple as that.

That's absolutely the case in my situation. With lots of family, friends, almost everyone we know. My parents are supportive and I have several friends that I met at LLL after my first was born. Other than that, I'm the "weird" one
And I have used the "do your research" comment several times, of course, in a nicer way, something like, "You should read the research on it." and then quote some concise, easy-to-remember fact that I can keep tucked away for moments like that.
It's non-arguementative and lets them know that you have educated yourself... and they haven't.