Originally Posted by Mamaluu
From briefly reading some of the other related "how do you do it" kind of posts, I see that many rely heavily on their partners or husbands for help. A side Now I'm curios, how much do you think our husbands (who work fulltime as the sole financial provider) should help & do around the house? I see that many SAHMs rely on their husbands to do the cooking, cleaning, watch the kids on nights & weekends so the moms get a break and more time. I've always felt bad having my husband do much around the house because I feel like he already has a high-stress-level fulltime job, and that his job is to bring home the money.
I used to have a high-stress (extremely - I'm still in touch with several former coworkers and we all
still show some signs of burnout, nine years
later), full-time job. I also did all
the cleaning, cooking, shopping (on foot), laundry, childcare, etc. My ex helped ds1 brush his teeth before bed. That was it. We had paid childcare while we were at work (my ex's job wasn't full-time - he was a furniture mover, and only about 6th or 7th on the seniority roster, so he only got called in when they were pretty busy). There were times when he got home before
out son got off school, but was "too tired" to pick up our son, so I had to do it, four hours later, after I got off work...and from the babysitters, which was an 15 minute uphill walk from the school. I don't think I should have had to do all that
, especially as our son was at school until 2:30, so if my ex wasn't working, he had the whole day free (I walked ds1 to school on my way to catch the bus to work).
OTOH, we paid someone to watch ds1 after school. That's all they were getting paid to do. If it's worth money for us to have someone else
look after our child, why isn't it a job when I'm the one doing it? It is. Childcare, if your'e not doing the "stuff them in another room and tell them to be quiet" school of parenting, is a lot of work. I'm pretty laissez-faire, and it's still a lot of work. I would never
expect dh to do all that I used to do (although we've certainly had spells where he's doing more than his share, imo...but we have four kids, not the one I had then). I don't think that's reasonable at all. But, I don't think it's reasonable for him to get evenings and weekends off, while I'm still on duty full-time every day. I don't actually know how anybody can think this is okay.
We need money to function in this society. That doesn't mean that money is a more valuable contribution than the wellbeing of the children. Monday-Friday, 9:00 to 5:00 - sort of - is when dh is contributing financially
to our family. When he gets home from work, he contributes in othe ways. Monday-Friday, 9:00 to 5:00 - sort of - is when my contribution to our family is full-time childcare. I usually (when I'm feeling well) do most of the weekday cooking, because I'm here
, and it makes no sense to wait until dh gets home. I do a lot of the laundry, for the same reason. I take care of our bills, because they need to be taken care of, and I have more eye for that kind of detail than dh. But, everything
? Hell, no. I never signed a contract to do cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. in exchange for room and board. I just didn't.
|I see his main job as "bring home the money", and my main job as "everything else related to and around the house including caring for the kids" (the only domestic work he should do is to share parenting responsibilities). Maybe this is the belief that got me to become so overwhelmed, busy, and tired all the time, and feeling like I don't have enough time to "be a mom" because I spend too much time being "the maid" for the household. But I just can't bring myself to get my husband to grocery shop, cook, and clean after he comes home from work or on weekends he is home. (He actually does do some cleaning on weekends but I'd feel like he is doing my job if he did much more than his own laundry & the floor)
Do you know why you think it's your job?
|I just want to get some ideas on this role playing concept of what's our (SAHM's) responsibilities and what's the husbands'. And for those who use a lot of their husbands' help for housework, what's yours & hour husbands' idea on the roles & responsibilities?
IMO, and in dh's opinion, as well, the "M" in SAHM is for "mom", not "maid". My job is the kids. I do what I can on top of that, but my "main job" is the kids. I keep them fed, clothed, safe, engaged, etc. during the day. That's a job, all by itself. We both see the home more as my domain than his, because I'm here more, so I try to do what I can during the day, but it's not all my responsibility. We've got six people here making messes (dd2 is just starting to contribute), and I'm not going to the only one responsible for cleaning it all up, yk?
|Besides the point of whether or not husbands SHOULD help around the house on weekends & nights, I'd rather have my husband spend time with me and our baby when he is home than to do housework, because he is not home a lot.
I would, too. The reality is that there's enough housework here that if dh isn't doing it, then I am, so we're not spending time together, anyway. Usually, dh will come home and deal with the kids and hold dd2 while I continue to make dinner (having started while he was still at work/commuting)...but he frequently ends up actually putting dinner on the table, because I'm feeding the baby.
DD2 has been crying every time I put her down for the last three days. DS2 has been creating complete havoc (today, he's hit both his sisters, dumped milk down dd1's back, climbed into the kitchen sink wearing his pants, and deliberately filled dh's bike bag (one on his rear rack) with water. I've done some dishes, and shifted some laundry and fed the kids, but that's about all I've got. There is no way for me to get significant amounts of housework done when the kids are being this high maintenance, except by neglecting them. That's not okay with me, and it's not okay with dh.