I'm not sure where to put this because this is about the family dynamic with my mother. But it's a multi-generational issue, so I guess parenting is included. I hope it doesn't get too long.
Backstory:
My mother had to move in with us a few years ago. In a nutshell, she cannot handle money, was getting too old to work full-time and just couldn't support herself on social security and part-time work under a mountain of consumer debt. We have supported her for 4 years now. She doesn't pay for anything... including the car we bought for her, insurance, gasoline, food, utilities, her cell phone, etc. We pay it all. She uses her SS to pay for her medicines, supplemental insurance, clothes, junk food (which I will not buy), and fast food (which we will not eat) for lunch almost every day. She blows a lot of her money on junk... Wal-mart junky stuff that breaks 2 days later and she throws away. Also, when she moved in, we paid to build an addition on our house so she would have her own private bedroom and living room. She still has to come into the main house for bath and kitchen.
Over the past year, I've grown kind of bitter about this whole situation because she is actually very able-bodied and she does next to NOTHING to help out here. The one thing she does do is help with picking up dd from school (it's about an hour away). She also does the dinner dishes (we have a dishwasher, though) if she eats with us (which is the norm).
My mother can't cook. I don't want help there. But she can do many other things. However she was/is a lazy person, in general. She also was a mean and spiteful mother (telling us DAILY that she would "call the welfare and have them take [us] away if we didn't mind"). I really thought she had changed, but she hasn't. I know that some of my issues relate to what a horrible mother she was to us. When I've tried to talk to her about it, she'll say, "What do you want me to do? Say I'm sorry? I'm sorry, OK?" And it's in a very flippant way. My biggest problem is that old attitude carrying over in her interactions with dd.
She gets short with dd and says some nasty things and THAT is what I get most pissed off about. She'll come in to use the bathroom and see me struggling to do something and just look at me and walk back out to her rooms. She *never* offers to help with anything. I'm a proud person and have a hard time asking for help.
She is THE.PICKIEST.EATER.ALIVE. I tend to cook foods that she will eat rather than what we prefer. She gets an attitude when I say I want to make Indian food or Chinese. For example, stir-fry, heavy on veggies, was a usual dish here and I've not made it once she she moved in. This also limits our choices for eating out. We like the local Greek restaurant, Turkish (dh is from Turkey), Japanese Teppanyaki... mom will not eat at these places and so we end up the local pasta place or steakhouse every time we eat out. I would love to eat out just the 3 of us, but she makes me feel so guilty "leaving her out", that I just don't go through with it. She is also a huge eater... she adds $20 to our restaurant bill and has never offered to pay for her part. I'll admit that that bugs me, too. She has come to EXPECT everything from us without feeling any gratitude for what we do for her. And her attitude extends to others, too. The other day in a restaurant, she ordered coffee. They were brewing it, and when the server brought just our waters, she turns to him and says, "I want my coffee NOW!" It was so rude I wanted to just crawl under the table.
Lately, I've just tried to stay away from her and have dd stay away from her (and dd really loves her). This situation is not one that can last, though. The tension is high. She is visiting a family member this week and everyone here is just in a good mood and happy. When she's here, it's gloomy.
I know part of it is my attitude, but I don't know what to do. She acts like a wounded animal if I say, "Hey mom, we just want to go out to dinner alone... the 3 of us." She makes a big production if she had to fill her car herself. (Side note: when looking for a car for her, she absolutely HAD to have this Mercedes and wouldn't look at any other car, so it takes premium gas and now she complains about gas prices
)
It's gotten to the point that in the morning, when dh takes dd off to school and I have a few minutes to be here on MDC, it just makes me MAD that she wakes up early and is putzing around here in the kitchen making coffee, mumbling to herself. She's not "bothering" me... I just don't want her around. I want some time TO MYSELF!
Dd has picked up on the negative vibes between my mom and me. I don't even know what to do. Maybe it's just a vent. I'm tired of mom doing NOTHING around here and us supporting her 100%. I want to be able to do things with just my dh and dd without having her tag along. I want some time to be in my home BY.MY.SELF... all alone to read or watch TV or sleep or just... whatever. I miss having time alone. Between work, my mom, dd, etc. I have almost NO time alone and it's something that I have always really NEEDED. I am not the kind of person who likes to be around a lot of people all the time and we have an only because I did not want a house full of kids. Last summer, I asked my sister if Mom could stay 2 weeks with her so dd and I could just have some "us" time... my sister's reply was, "Yes, but you OWE ME, big time!!" Uh... my sisters have done NOTHING to help support Mom for 4 years. I owe HER????
I don't know what I want... maybe just to vent. My sisters have never helped. My mom doesn't appreciate what we've done for her. I'm just feeling used, I guess. And it's showing with the tension in our relationship. I don't even want her around dd anymore. There's just so much negativity. When I try to talk to her, she comes back with, "Oh GOD! I can't do ANYTHING right in your eyes, can I?" I do thank her for doing the dishes every time she does them and when she picks up dd. But to be honest, although I love my mom, over the past few years I've stopped LIKING her.
My sisters are not in a position to take her permanently. I'd have to go back to work full-time to get her her own place, but that would defeat the purpose. I can't just kick her out. Thoughts?
Backstory:
My mother had to move in with us a few years ago. In a nutshell, she cannot handle money, was getting too old to work full-time and just couldn't support herself on social security and part-time work under a mountain of consumer debt. We have supported her for 4 years now. She doesn't pay for anything... including the car we bought for her, insurance, gasoline, food, utilities, her cell phone, etc. We pay it all. She uses her SS to pay for her medicines, supplemental insurance, clothes, junk food (which I will not buy), and fast food (which we will not eat) for lunch almost every day. She blows a lot of her money on junk... Wal-mart junky stuff that breaks 2 days later and she throws away. Also, when she moved in, we paid to build an addition on our house so she would have her own private bedroom and living room. She still has to come into the main house for bath and kitchen.
Over the past year, I've grown kind of bitter about this whole situation because she is actually very able-bodied and she does next to NOTHING to help out here. The one thing she does do is help with picking up dd from school (it's about an hour away). She also does the dinner dishes (we have a dishwasher, though) if she eats with us (which is the norm).
My mother can't cook. I don't want help there. But she can do many other things. However she was/is a lazy person, in general. She also was a mean and spiteful mother (telling us DAILY that she would "call the welfare and have them take [us] away if we didn't mind"). I really thought she had changed, but she hasn't. I know that some of my issues relate to what a horrible mother she was to us. When I've tried to talk to her about it, she'll say, "What do you want me to do? Say I'm sorry? I'm sorry, OK?" And it's in a very flippant way. My biggest problem is that old attitude carrying over in her interactions with dd.
She gets short with dd and says some nasty things and THAT is what I get most pissed off about. She'll come in to use the bathroom and see me struggling to do something and just look at me and walk back out to her rooms. She *never* offers to help with anything. I'm a proud person and have a hard time asking for help.
She is THE.PICKIEST.EATER.ALIVE. I tend to cook foods that she will eat rather than what we prefer. She gets an attitude when I say I want to make Indian food or Chinese. For example, stir-fry, heavy on veggies, was a usual dish here and I've not made it once she she moved in. This also limits our choices for eating out. We like the local Greek restaurant, Turkish (dh is from Turkey), Japanese Teppanyaki... mom will not eat at these places and so we end up the local pasta place or steakhouse every time we eat out. I would love to eat out just the 3 of us, but she makes me feel so guilty "leaving her out", that I just don't go through with it. She is also a huge eater... she adds $20 to our restaurant bill and has never offered to pay for her part. I'll admit that that bugs me, too. She has come to EXPECT everything from us without feeling any gratitude for what we do for her. And her attitude extends to others, too. The other day in a restaurant, she ordered coffee. They were brewing it, and when the server brought just our waters, she turns to him and says, "I want my coffee NOW!" It was so rude I wanted to just crawl under the table.
Lately, I've just tried to stay away from her and have dd stay away from her (and dd really loves her). This situation is not one that can last, though. The tension is high. She is visiting a family member this week and everyone here is just in a good mood and happy. When she's here, it's gloomy.
I know part of it is my attitude, but I don't know what to do. She acts like a wounded animal if I say, "Hey mom, we just want to go out to dinner alone... the 3 of us." She makes a big production if she had to fill her car herself. (Side note: when looking for a car for her, she absolutely HAD to have this Mercedes and wouldn't look at any other car, so it takes premium gas and now she complains about gas prices
)It's gotten to the point that in the morning, when dh takes dd off to school and I have a few minutes to be here on MDC, it just makes me MAD that she wakes up early and is putzing around here in the kitchen making coffee, mumbling to herself. She's not "bothering" me... I just don't want her around. I want some time TO MYSELF!
Dd has picked up on the negative vibes between my mom and me. I don't even know what to do. Maybe it's just a vent. I'm tired of mom doing NOTHING around here and us supporting her 100%. I want to be able to do things with just my dh and dd without having her tag along. I want some time to be in my home BY.MY.SELF... all alone to read or watch TV or sleep or just... whatever. I miss having time alone. Between work, my mom, dd, etc. I have almost NO time alone and it's something that I have always really NEEDED. I am not the kind of person who likes to be around a lot of people all the time and we have an only because I did not want a house full of kids. Last summer, I asked my sister if Mom could stay 2 weeks with her so dd and I could just have some "us" time... my sister's reply was, "Yes, but you OWE ME, big time!!" Uh... my sisters have done NOTHING to help support Mom for 4 years. I owe HER????
I don't know what I want... maybe just to vent. My sisters have never helped. My mom doesn't appreciate what we've done for her. I'm just feeling used, I guess. And it's showing with the tension in our relationship. I don't even want her around dd anymore. There's just so much negativity. When I try to talk to her, she comes back with, "Oh GOD! I can't do ANYTHING right in your eyes, can I?" I do thank her for doing the dishes every time she does them and when she picks up dd. But to be honest, although I love my mom, over the past few years I've stopped LIKING her.
My sisters are not in a position to take her permanently. I'd have to go back to work full-time to get her her own place, but that would defeat the purpose. I can't just kick her out. Thoughts?
If you're not ready quite yet to tell her to go (though I think this needs to happen eventually), then start with small changes. Cook what the heck YOU want for dinner! Go with just DH and DD to dinner. A "normal" mom would get it. Every family needs their alone time.
).
) The complaints are going to be permanent. You need to change your reaction to them. If she is not happy with a Mercedes, she is not happy, period.
