Deaths in family and impending births, spiritual and physical effects

[briome]

When I was pregnant with my 2nd son my father died. I am almost finished this third pregnancy and my grandmother is not looking good (congestive heart falilure). My family is small (there is just not that many people avalible to die!) so this seems suspciously coincidental.

I am not any 'official' faith (but I am a Unitarian Universalist) so I have loose reincarnation thoughts at times. Could there be some influence? Could it be just an attempt to comfort myself? What do you think?

If any of you have a death in your family while pregnant, how has it affected you? Any grief inductions or less drastic effects?
Just curious.

Of note is- I was not close to my father at all, he lived very far away, took his own life out of pain (a couple severe ailments) and I was only 6m pregnant at the time. I am VERY close to Grandma, she lives very close, I am 37weeks pregnant but she has been sick for a while so if she does die it would not too susprising. My mother/aunts think she has little time left.

Thanks for your input. I just want a variety of thoughts! I think I'll cross post in spirtuality!

[MaerynPearl]

I feel more of a connection through my son to my grandfather... whom died 9 years before my son was born. During that pregnancy my fathers step-father died and I didnt feel any connection to him... but a very very one to my already passed grandfather.

With DD, nothing. With this one, so far nothing.

[miso_soup]

Originally Posted by briome

....I have loose reincarnation thoughts at times. Could there be some influence? Could it be just an attempt to comfort myself? What do you think?

It is an interesting idea. I am currently 13 weeks pregnant, and my father passed away 3 weeks ago. While I personally don't feel a direct connection between the two, it seems quite understandable how someone else might see it that way. It's a comforting idea, isn't it? Well, provided it's the good parts and not the er... less desireable parts that are passed on, hehe. I wouldn't want a child with my Father's temper, that's for sure! I'm trivializing, but you catch my drift.

I think reincarnation exists in a sense in biology, anyway. Our ancestors do live on in us, through our genes. If genetics can be passed along, why not other, non-physical traits? A spiritual inheritance? There is a saying from somewhere, a proverb: "a life is never ended until all the lives it has touched are ended." I think there is a great deal of truth to that.

[MamaJenese]

My mother became ill while I was pregnant with my DD. She passed away when DDd was 4 weeks old. Everyone feels like my mother sort of got caught in my daughter a bit. She stand like my ,mom, says things my mom said, makes the same face when she is sleeping. It is sort of strange and wonderful. My feeling is kind of like DD being so young and receptive a little of my mothers energy got absorbed in in the way out, DD and I were sitting with her as she passed.

[Lovin_Life]

My grandmother, whom I was very close to, died when I was 5-6 months pregnant with DD and DH's grandmother died when I was a few months pregnant with this little girl. It makes me worried to get pregnant again. I do feel a connection to my grandma through my daughter though.

ETA: I am so sorry about your grandmother. It's hard enough to go through a death anytime but while pregnant or just after delivery is even harder.

[IAMommy]

My father died a little under a year before I got pregnant with my DS. I often wonder at this child - he loves so many of the same things that my dad did, and reminds me of him in various ways. My dad and I weren't close, but our relationship improved vastly after I left home. So much of personality is genetic, so maybe I'm seeing that or maybe there is something more.
An interesting read for anyone interested in this topic is "Spirit Babies" by Walter Makichen. He talks about how souls stay with each other throughout various lifetimes because they feel connected, amongst other things. Here's a link to his site http://waltermakichen.com/
I don't know if I believe in reincarnation, but I don't disbelieve it. I feel that we as humans have very limited perceptions and there is much that escapes us.

[snoopy5386]

When I was 35 weeks with DD my husband's grandfather died - he was ill, but his death was sudden and unexpected. When I was 35 weeks pregnant with this baby, my grandmother died - same circumstances - ill, but sudden, unexpected death. We've morbidly joked that we can't have any more kids if we don't want someone to die! Also, coinicidentally - my FIL ended up with surgery scheduled on DD's due date and has another surgery scheduled on this baby's due date. What are the chances??

[curvyred]

My mother died just over a year ago, and my best friend of twenty years (since Jr. high) died in January of this year, two weeks shy of the anniversary of my mom's death.

Honestly, I find comfort in the fact that my LO (due in June) is a boy. I literally felt relief when we found out. Somehow it helps me keep his birth disconnected from the loss of these two women in my life. I don't think that I could have emotionally handled a girl because it would have felt TOO connected for me. But now, his birth gets to be a separate thing, full of joy and not quite (in my own head) as intimately tied with loss.

[Juvysen]

My best friend from high school (who I rarely talked to for years) committed suicide (um, maybe - there were some mysterious circumstances) right as I was entering the 2nd trimester of my 3rd pregnancy. Then the last month of the same pregnancy, my 14 year old cat became extremely sick (after about 6 months of decline) and we ended up having him euthanized. The cat affected me a lot more (man, I loved that cat) than my friend's death, but suffice it to say I had a fair bit of grief during my last pregnancy. It's really weird, though, because besides the elderly cat, our furnace and washer both died, too - within a week of the cat dying. It felt like our house was clearing out to make way for this baby. This didn't happen with my other two kids, though.

But then, I believe in the concept of 2012 changes and feel like a lot of people (more than usual from my perspective - I have never lost anyone except one grandmother before) seem to be "leaving this world"... (way to wave my freak flag, eh? )

[oddduck]

My FIL passed away Oct 16 2009 after a 9 year battle with a brain tumor. His dying wish was for DH and I to have another child. While he was still able to communicate it was all he would talk about. This baby apparently was conceived the same day as death as per ultrasounds. I swear we weren't DTD while FIL was on his deathbed, DH actually had a hernia operation the day his father passed away.

It's very surreal though that when his life ended, this life began.

[soso-lynn]

Originally Posted by miso_soup

I think reincarnation exists in a sense in biology, anyway. Our ancestors do live on in us, through our genes. If genetics can be passed along, why not other, non-physical traits?

Genes are part of DNA, an actual molecule made of atoms. While parts of it are the same sequence as your ancestors, it does not make them live through you. It is ok to believe in whatever you want to believe but mixing in words like biology or science in esoteric talk just makes it sillier.

Anyway, I think that many people will try and ascribe characteristics of people who died to children because it makes them feel better and helps them cope with the juxtapostition of the beginning and end of life. While I do think that it is quite harmless in general, I would worry about the effects of constant reminders of a deceased relative believed to be part of them somehow.

As far as the original questions about the effects of grief on pregnancy, I have a friend who went into premature labor (33 weeks or so) after going to the funeral of her friend's 6-7yo son who died quite tragically. I think that any strong emotions or stress can have strong effects on the body so I would advise to be mindful of that, making sure you have someone to talk to and that you do not throw yourself into the task of getting the family together or arranging funerals.

[HaikuMommy]

My mother died when I was about 5 months pregnant with my DD (now 20 mo old). She'd been sick with a lung disease for 10 years (the final 3 were seriously ill, needing care). It was my "shift" to hang out with her, make her food, give her medications, etc. The next person was supposed to arrive at 5pm (a professional caregiver) but called to say she'd be late. I told her no problem, take her time. My mother then began having problems (I won't describe because it is graphic and traumatic). There was some chaos, calling 911, attempting CPR, etc. By 5:15 she was dead in my arms.

I was shocked because I was sure she would hold on long enough to meet the new baby. I expected her to live several more months (denial?). She had tried to feel the baby kick the day she died, but the baby stopped kicking as soon as she put her hand on my belly. Still makes me sad.

I think it was a blessing I was with her when she died (for her and for me), even though it was an awful experience to go through. I'm grateful for it nonetheless. I worried it would have a bad effect on the pregnancy, or on my baby, but it didn't. I like to think my mom lives on through me, through my DD, etc... both through genetics and through how she raised me. I don't believe in a lot of spiritual/religious stuff but I think my mom taught me a lot and continues to teach me as I look back on her and her life all the time.

Best wishes... I hope your grandma lives to see the new baby. Life seems cruel sometimes but I try to remember that this is the natural cycle of life, and to enjoy what I have while I have it.

[zeezee]

My Grand pa died a week after my wedding. My grand ma told me that he was very happy on the day of my wedding. He got hospitalized a day after my wedding and after a week we all had to bear the heart breaking news of my grandpa’s death. It was very hard for me to take it because we are a very close family. It was as if he waited for us to get married because if he had passed away before the wedding we would have to wait for a year to get married (cultural thing). So recently I found out that I am pregnant and when we calculated the time of conceived was same day he passed away. Before knowing my pregnancy I had a strange dream that my grandpa's sprit went inside a being. I told my mother about a dream and she thought it was strange. But now more I think about it more I feel like this was his gift to us. And I do believe in reincarnation.

[miso_soup]

Originally Posted by soso-lynn

Genes are part of DNA, an actual molecule made of atoms. While parts of it are the same sequence as your ancestors, it does not make them live through you.

Semantics, maybe? Arguably, the fact that we inherit genes directly from our parents (and they from their parents, and so forth) means that they DO "live on" in us - in a purely genetic sense, if nothing else. I guess the (poorly-articulated?) point I am trying to make is that just as some of my Dad's obvious physical traits will undoubtedly be passed onto my children (as they were to me); my children will be genetically predisposed to exhibiting certain personality traits "passed down" from my Dad. Obviously, environment plays a part in this, too. The end result in any case is a wholly unique individual, albeit one with predispositions to certain physical characteristics and behaviours. Admittedly, this is not the same concept as that of reincarnation - for sure, I could've chosen a more appropriate word .

Originally Posted by soso-lynn

It is ok to believe in whatever you want to believe but mixing in words like biology or science in esoteric talk just makes it sillier.

I am happy that it is okay with you for me to believe what I want to believe, however "silly" this may be . Seriously, though - I think that the spiritual can - and does - coexist with the scientific. At the very least, I think it makes for a much more interesting existence. I don't necessarily ascribe to theories of reincarnation in the classic sense myself, but do I believe that life ends after our physical death? Not really, no. To put it in scientific terms: energy cannot be created OR destroyed, it can only be converted from one form to another. Something has to happen to all that energy after we die, and this isn't a question that science has been able to conclusively answer (in my opinion), any more than religion (again, in my opinion).

Originally Posted by soso-lynn

Anyway, I think that many people will try and ascribe characteristics of people who died to children because it makes them feel better and helps them cope with the juxtapostition of the beginning and end of life. While I do think that it is quite harmless in general, I would worry about the effects of constant reminders of a deceased relative believed to be part of them somehow.

Again, I'm not sure I agree entirely. I think that this is part of it, sure - that people gain comfort from these ideas. But I also think that, in the example of a grandparent dying and a grandchild being born, perhaps there ARE common characteristics that can be observed, particularly as that child grows older. Personality is known to depend on genes, just as it is generally accepted that it [personality] is also molded by environment. I think in most cases, the likelihood of actual damage being done by the idea that a deceased relative is "part of them" is pretty minimal, because I don't think most people interpret the idea of 'reincarnation' in quite such a literal fashion.

[lovingmylife]

My grandma who I was very very close to died the day I found out we were having a baby. Then my grandpa died on New Years Eve just 3 months later. The worst has been when dhs 50 year old healthy as can be mom died on Valentines. She was my support system with my son and was going to be for my daughter I am pregnant with as well. She was like a 2nd mom to me. Then 2 weeks ago dhs grandpa died. I am 35 weeks pregnant now and within this pregnancy have lost 4 people. It has made me super paranoid, like to the point where I feel like something will go wrong with the pregnancy and it scares me to death. Oh and my other grandpa died the night of my wedding.

[gradstudentmommy]

I am not religious but my father was Jewish. He told me that in Jewish culture, they believe a spirit cannot leave a deceased person's body until a child has been named after them. My father died 3 months ago and I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant. We have decided to name the baby after my Dad. I like that I can give him this gift of letting his soul leave his dead body, since this is something he believed in.

I'm sorry for all of the mamas on here who have lost so many friends and family members while pregnant.

[Unconventional1]

Interesting question, and one that has certainly hit home this pregnancy for me as well. With DS I felt my grandpa's spirit surrounding him throughout the pregnancy and especially during labor (rather traumatic for everyone, but we all made it through and are healthy!). Then with DD I felt on the verge of losing her during labor (partial placenta previa?) and labor was super fast and intense- she was out within about 5 minutes after water broke/pushing started. I felt my mom was with us then. I have always felt that these two people are my children's guardians.

For this pregnancy I have had a sense of dread- I have major fears of losing him- I am due in a week. But DH's only grandparent, his grandmother who took care of him every day of his life the first 12 years or so passed away almost three weeks ago... Now I feel her watching over this LO and my sense of dread has faded considerably- I didn't feel anyone's presence around him very strongly prior to this point.

So much loss at a point when we are bringing new joy into the world- part of the balance of life I suppose...

[chiromommy]

My father passed away suddenly a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant with this unexpected baby. My brother's daughter was born two weeks after our dad died. We were both very close to him. It's hard not to emotionally connect these little ones to his spirit. I am struggling to deal with the emotions and grief now because I am concerned about how it will affect my labor. I have had a lot of fear of losing this baby, especially in the early weeks. My dad has been hanging out in my dreams for the last few weeks and it is oddly comforting. I am sure I will feel him at the birth as i will be giving birth in his home (which is also the home where my mom died 6 years ago).
I am curious to see this baby's personality and I am sure I will find my dad in her, even if it is only imagined.

[Manessa]

My grandmother died on the day that my daughter was born. I didn't find out until after I had delivered that my grandmother had passed during the night. It was a very bittersweet day, celebrating new life and mourning the loss of another at the same time. I don't necessarily have a belief in an afterlife, but it sure put "the circle of life" in perspective.

[briome]

Originally Posted by Manessa

My grandmother died on the day that my daughter was born. I didn't find out until after I had delivered that my grandmother had passed during the night. It was a very bittersweet day, celebrating new life and mourning the loss of another at the same time. I don't necessarily have a belief in an afterlife, but it sure put "the circle of life" in perspective.

Oh my, what an odd day for you and your family????

When I posted this my Grandma was doing very poorly, but is now on the upswing it seems....I am getting more labor like too