Balance?!

[meandmine]

I have posted about my issues with working and being a single parent six ways to Sunday, but here I am rephrasing (maybe just venting) and looking for some further wisdom.

Background: Home 7 years with kids; just getting used to it and thinking about finally taking care of my physical health when dh called it quits. Went into super-compensating mode and landed a full-time job 6 months after he moved out. Been two years f-t as an elementary school librarian (I was a university librarian before kids).

I like what I do (love it).

But, I find the stress of commuting (1 1/2 hrs a day) and the hours -- up at 5:15 am; kids to SACC at 7:15; pick up kids at 6:15 pm on "my" nights, plus the necessity of bringing work home (the expectations are HUGE) just debilitating.

I got really upset last night because I wasn't going to be able to get both girls to their simultaneous soccer practices (long story) and later last night my older daughter just melted down over the divorce and my going back to work.

My kids cope well, but they and I SO miss our former life (we had a taste of it this week since they are in school, but I am on "intersession"). They hate how stressed and overwhelmed I am and how I am always "working."

So, if you haven't already shared your wisdom on how you have enough time for your children and yourself while working, please share.

Thanks SO much!

M

[meemee]

meandmine, you are not going to like my answer.

you have to figure out your philosophy first. it makes things easier. what is your priority.

my dd has anxiety and there is mental illness on both sides of the family. dd is 7 but she STILL needs me - not so much one on one but see me more often.

there was no way i could manage such a gruelling day as yours. of course you are going to be tired. i refused to do so.

and so i decided to change my life and quit that job.

the thing that got to both of us was not so much that we didnt have time together. cosleeping really helped with that. but what was the worst was this rush, ruch, rush. we could never sit down and take time. both dd and i are not get out of the bed running types. we need to stare in space to wake up.

so i dont know how you could change this.

last year i went back to school both dd and i sat and talked and i offered her the life we could have if i went to work and school. she chose to see me more and so i adjusted my hours accordingly. but we both realised we had to do without a lot of things to live this way. we keep revisiting that theme but dd doesnt want to change anything.

i dont know how you can find balance when you are away from your kids for 12 hours a day. i made the most of walking her to dc, not spend time cooking but do quick simple meals so we would have time together. however now she is old she helps me in the kitchen so we cook together. we do everything together still - even showers. or when i am taking a shower dd comes and sits and chats with me. i know cosleeping really helps.

[GuildJenn]

I'm not a single parent so I really don't have the experience there.

But I did want to talk about balance. I do believe that a job you love and a regular paycheque contribute immensely to balance. I don't see all the hours away as a total net loss for the family.

That said, I have a few thoughts.

I think your commute is probably the worst part. I don't know your area, kids' school, etc., but if there is any way you can change that - rent halfway in between or at the edge of your kids' school district; keep looking for the same job closer to home - I would image that would reduce your stress pretty immediately. I have a similar commute, but I have a second parent to do drop off.

I think for balance it is important to have regular fun bonding built in. In small ways. Like we have picnic night, pancakes for dinner night, a walk on Saturday evenings - simple stuff, but CALM ones that are actually relaxing. It sounds dumb but it just gives you that tiny space that makes the bumps more doable.

As a teacher do you have more time in the summers, similar holidays to your kids, etc? (I know that is not 'off' ). If so, remember to factor that in. My job doesn't and my child doesn't get that extra time, so don't lose sight of the big picture.

For soccer, it just sounds like it is the crazy fact of life right now. You really have to weigh it against your kids' pleasure in it. If they are super gung-ho, then it's worth the stress and occasional scheduling nightmare - which there will be.

If not, you might want to triage and decide only weekend activities are do-able right now and that's the reality. You do not have to beat yourself up over this. It is important for our kids to see us making compromises - no one, married or single or whatever can do EVERYTHING.

If you've been in your job two years, is there a way to push back a bit on some of the work? My job is insane but I have learned to say no. I will not be promoted as quickly (if at all) but I will also end up as a sane individual. It's hard hard hard, but worth it. What is it you are doing now that you could ease up on? Is there time when you're at work (lunch etc.) that could be used more effectively? I'm just asking.

Also - it is okay for you and your kids to mourn your former lifestyle. Divorce is huge. Going back to work FT is huge. Of course as soon as there's a bad week (after a good one) those feelings are going to legitimately come up. But it doesn't mean your current life will never work.

[GuildJenn]

Oh P.S. - don't be afraid to ask for help. Are there parents on your girls' teams who could maybe have one daughter to dinner and then to practice? That kind of thing.

[meandmine]

MeeMee

I totally like your answer.

One of the issues is that I know I am not living my values and that is incredibly hard .., on all of us.

I feel I need to stay in the area (high COL) so my girls can be near their dad (a VERY high priority for them). The median household income here, is over $100,000 -- so on a teachers salary -- I almost qualify as low-income -- almost, but not quite.

I chose this career field because it supposedly mapped to my kids' school life--same holidays, allegedly same hours. The school where I long-term subbed was close by; I could bring the kids back to work if I needed to work late, etc. This permanent job is much further away in a much bigger MUCH more demanding school. I was hoping to move to a smaller school, closer to home this year, but right now there are ZERO openings because of the economy.

I met with a colleague yesterday who has been a teacher/librarian for years and sadly she confirmed for me -- this is never a job you can leave at work; there is always more to do than can be done in the school day ... but she is passionate about what she does. I like what I do and can get very caught up in it, but my passion is my kids.

So, I totally appreciate what you say -- I keep thinking of compromises we could make -- if I moved to a very different neighborhood, I could save a few hundred dollars a month on housing, but my girls are VERY attached to our neighborhood ...

It is a quandry.

Thanks again!

M

[meandmine]

GuildJenn,

Thanks for your reply.

One of the reasons I chose schools was to have all those holidays my kids had. I do thank my stars -- when they are off I am off -- big stress avoider. Our summers didn't match because I was at a modified calendar school, but that just ended due to budget cuts, so now I will have summers with them!

These are blessings.

We did solve the soccer crisis and it did involve a cry for help which was hard for me.

Right now there are no openings closer to home--everyone is afraid to retire/quit because of budget crisis. I was SO hoping to move to a position closer to home. That's hard news to take, but I am re-writing my resume with the hopes of a last-minute surprise :-).

For me, the only thing I can hope for is my own self-discipline -- just to a) leave work more/less on time more often b) put all thought of work aside until kids are in bed c) accept that what I produce under those circumstances is good enough.

Ultimately, if I do get a position closer to home that will help a lot because I can easily go back into work with the kids (who then love to play in my library and do their homework)==then I will be less likely to have to bring work home which is the part I hate.

For now it is about surviving this really hard stretch and being willing to compromise on my standards somehow. Not standards with the kids -- we need to eat healthy, exercise, have a social life and get enough sleep (and that's hard to pull off), but maybe compromise at work.

Thanks again!

M