Worried about bonding

[organicpapayamama]

Let me first off say that DS and I are super close. We have a bond like no other that I cherish so much. I attribute it to being able to say home with him until he was 7 months old. I had wished for longer but its what had to be. But I do love the relationship I have with my toddler.

I am expecting again and this time around I wont have nearly that amount of time with my dd. My maternity leave is unpaid so it will last however long I can make my dollar stretch which I am estimating to 2 - 3 months. The thought of leaving my 8-12 week dd at home is enough to make me cry now. But I have no other option as a single mama. I must work. I must make money. I must pay then bills. I must provide for my family. Im so worried its going to affect the bond between my dd and I. Im worried we will not be close.

anyone else have to leave their baby pretty soon and still have a great relationship/ bond with their lo even into the toddler stage?

(sorry I forgot to mention that I am a single mom if that helps give you a little background.)

[Aufilia]

I went back to work FT at 11 weeks after my DD was born. My DH was a SAHD. I was away for about 10 hours per day every weekday, so sometimes I only really saw DD for 45 minutes in the morning (she and I got up together at am) and for an hour or so at night before she fell asleep. She has always been very, very attached to me, though. I almost have to pry her off me to get her to hang out with daddy nowadays.

One thing about DD -- she never did have a "daddy" phase, probably because she saw him all day every day. I've always been in style, though. It's funny to me that now that I am at home and my husband is working, our DS is actually having a daddy phase! He sees daddy about as much as I used to see DD when I worked, and nothing gets him going like daddy getting home.

[AmyKT]

Originally Posted by Aufilia

One thing about DD -- she never did have a "daddy" phase, probably because she saw him all day every day. I've always been in style, though.

Ha ha! Same here. DH is a SAHD and I went back to work at 16 weeks with DD. She always has and still prefers me over anyone in the world. I understand your concern, OP, but yes, it is totally possible to have a strong bond even if you have to go back to work early.

[Skippy918]

I went back to work when DS was 4 months old and now at 19 months, he is still extremely attached to me, which makes DH a little jealous. When I pick him up from daycare, he comes running to me. I leave for work really early, so I only see DS in the evenings. Don't forget, you still have the weekends to bond.

[rosinthebow]

also, i don't know if you are planning to co-sleep, but that is 8 or so hours out of the day and in my opinion a great bonding experience, though not always great for actually getting sleep. hehe.

[Katie T]

I went back to work full time when DD1 was 4m and she is very attached to me, I think sleep sharing helped me feel closer but I don't believe it is a must yk?

Congrats on you impending arrival!

[kcstar]

I was hospitalized for DS's second week, and then returned to work full-time when he was 8 weeks old. DH became a SAHD in the 2nd or 3rd week (he had to take leave while I was in the hospital, then returned to work a few more days).

DS is VERY attached to me. My attachment to him comes and goes, I have to work at it.

Cosleeping, even with a side-car, helps a ton... usually. As they've said, that's 8 or so hours a night that you're together.

Breastfeeding both helps and hurts. It helps, because there's the instant bond when I get home, and I am forced to snuggle up with him periodically during the day. It can hurt when I get touched out. My time to pump was unpaid, I usually split my lunch break, but it also meant that every minute pumping at work was a minute that I wasn't home with my LO. And nobody had told me about those pumping holder bra thingies, so at home I always felt like it was either pump, or hold baby/nurse. I chose to hold the baby.

Also, DS reverse-cycled. For me, the worst was at about 3-4 months, when I would come home exhausted, DS would nurse ALL. NIGHT. LONG. and I would go back to work not rested at all. All my paid leave had gone towards getting full pay on maternity leave, and my salary was needed to pay the bills.

If I had it to do over again, I would have used my savings and taken more time off. In my case, I think another month or two would have been enough. At 6 months, DS liked his solids, and at about 9 months I quit pumping at work (but still nursed a lot at home, especially overnight).

We did end up supplementing with formula, usually about 2 ounces per day, for about the first year. I fretted about it right at that low-spot, and then decided that what mattered most was that DS was cared for, and I nursed as much as I could. I decided that 90% breastfed was good enough for us. He's nearly 3 and we're still nursing.

The other thing to remember is that bonding is an ongoing process. Adoptive parents bond with their children. I have had occasions where DH has had to tell me what DS wants/needs. I learn, work at it, and we keep going.

We have a standing "date", Wednesday night DS and I hang out together, and DH gets a couple of hours off. For us, it's important that one group leave the house for this. If DH stays around, I end up calling him for things that I really can handle. In winter and when DS is tired, I stay and settle DS in while DH goes out. When DS is more alert (like in summer when it's light out), he and I go out together.

[organicpapayamama]

thank you all for your replies. I do feel a little bit better. I guess Im just nervous about going from 1 to 2 and things with DS were awesome, thats why I decided on having another. But perhaps im scared things wont be as good as with ds. But im going to anticipate the best.

I do plan to cosleep. I do enjoy cuddling and the closeness that brings. The plan is to breast feed but I must say this is something else I am nervous about. With DS that too was the plan but while at the hospital the nurses gave ds a bottle and he got instant nipple confusion and never went back on the breast. I was stuck to the breast pump 24/7 for 3 months and was never able to ebf which broke my heart. After getting fed up with the pump and not being able to do anything without being away from that machine for more than 2 hours I gave in to formula I felt like such a failure. This time around I am more informed and am determined to make it work no matter what. Especially since I have less time at home with her I think breastfeeding is worth even more now.

But thanks for the reassurance!

[JessieBird]

More support for cosleeping (bedsharing, not just in the same room). Even if you're mostly asleep (one can always hope!) those eight hours or so are priceless and they really can be considered quality time. If you think of it that way, then the balance of how much time you are away from and with your children swings back in your favour. Having this mindset really helped me to feel less removed from my DS when I went back to work.

As for breastfeeding, I'm so sorry to hear about your first experience. This time around you should have more confidence because of what you've already been through and the awareness you now have of how delicate that relationship can be from the beginning. I would encourage you to get as informed as possible about the key factors that are important in building a strong nursing bond from the second your baby is born. You can get a wealth of infomation and support here on MDC and on KellyMom. Then talk to your care provider and anyone who will be supporting you during the birth to be sure that they understand both your desires and your fears and why this is so important to you. Have a lactation consultant lined up for visits every few days in the weeks after your baby is born to ensure that any discouraging challenges are corrected. If money is a concern here, find out if there are free breastfeeding clinics in your area and go to every single one. With a little support and some determination, there is every reason to believe that nursing will work out wonderfully for you.

I know eventually we all complain about how often our babies wake up to nurse throughout the night and how exhausted we are, but I found night nursing to be magical connection time with my DS especially after I went abck to work. I didn't care how often he woke me up, I just loved to be close to him.

[organicpapayamama]

Originally Posted by JessieBird

More support for cosleeping (bedsharing, not just in the same room). Even if you're mostly asleep (one can always hope!) those eight hours or so are priceless and they really can be considered quality time. If you think of it that way, then the balance of how much time you are away from and with your children swings back in your favour. Having this mindset really helped me to feel less removed from my DS when I went back to work.

As for breastfeeding, I'm so sorry to hear about your first experience. This time around you should have more confidence because of what you've already been through and the awareness you now have of how delicate that relationship can be from the beginning. I would encourage you to get as informed as possible about the key factors that are important in building a strong nursing bond from the second your baby is born. You can get a wealth of infomation and support here on MDC and on KellyMom. Then talk to your care provider and anyone who will be supporting you during the birth to be sure that they understand both your desires and your fears and why this is so important to you. Have a lactation consultant lined up for visits every few days in the weeks after your baby is born to ensure that any discouraging challenges are corrected. If money is a concern here, find out if there are free breastfeeding clinics in your area and go to every single one. With a little support and some determination, there is every reason to believe that nursing will work out wonderfully for you.

I know eventually we all complain about how often our babies wake up to nurse throughout the night and how exhausted we are, but I found night nursing to be magical connection time with my DS especially after I went abck to work. I didn't care how often he woke me up, I just loved to be close to him.

thanks for your tips! yes I cosleep in the same bed, not a side car or a crib in the same room. I do cherish cosleeping and those 8 hours (if Im lucky) of cuddling. But somehow I just feel like its not as good as time during the day...you know... baby and I will be sleeping instead of interacting but what can ya do ya know? its def better than nothing.

As for the breastfeeding, i have made sure to set myself up for success this time around. I have signs for the hospital for no artificial nipples or formula. I have bought an sns just in case because last time at the hospital they didnt have any alternative to artificial nipples. I also already have lactation consultants lined up and yes they are free through WIC. I also have a consultant on the side that offers discounted rates in the event that the WIC ones fall short of my expectations. I have read and reread tons of breastfeeding books and tips and plan to take the book with me to the hospital for help if I need it. Also the hospital has a lactation consultant on site which I will make sure helps me (last time she came in and helped me all but 2 min and seemed annoyed that I asked for help. I had to call for her 5 times before she showed up at like 1am!! and she didnt even check to see if I was doing it right.) until I feel comfortable. I also have stocked up on mothers milk tea and other foods to help increase milk like oatmeal, papaya, black beans... I have my boppy pillow ready to go and my breast pump hooked up as well. I have even thought of a pumping schedule to help increase my milk and keep it up when I have to go back to work. I think Ive got it all covered

[waiting2bemommy]

I had to go back to work at 5 weeks pp with ds. With dd I may very well have to leave her to go to work 7-10 days after she is born. Ds and I are wonderfully bonded (in fact, we are working on sharing the affection) and we have an incredible connection which others have noticed as well. I attribute it to breastfeedinguntil almost 2 years old, and pumping for when I was at work, and cosleeping until he was about 15 months, and not using a sitter, ever, except for when I was at work. Ds went everywhere with me (esp as a single mom, I couldn't get my hair done or grocery shopping or whatever unless I brought him along).

I cried on the way to work that first day (and to be honest, lots of other days as well), but much as I wish it could have been different (I've always wanted to be a SAHM or just work super PT), I can honestly say it didn't damage our relationship. It is still very very hard though, and I am dreading leaving dd. I know I will cry buckets just like I did with ds. However I think you will be ok, especially with having that much time off before you have to go back. I feel for you though....I still miss ds when he goes to see his grandparents (and I NEED the break lol!)

[organicpapayamama]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

I had to go back to work at 5 weeks pp with ds. With dd I may very well have to leave her to go to work 7-10 days after she is born. Ds and I are wonderfully bonded (in fact, we are working on sharing the affection) and we have an incredible connection which others have noticed as well. I attribute it to breastfeedinguntil almost 2 years old, and pumping for when I was at work, and cosleeping until he was about 15 months, and not using a sitter, ever, except for when I was at work. Ds went everywhere with me (esp as a single mom, I couldn't get my hair done or grocery shopping or whatever unless I brought him along).

I cried on the way to work that first day (and to be honest, lots of other days as well), but much as I wish it could have been different (I've always wanted to be a SAHM or just work super PT), I can honestly say it didn't damage our relationship. It is still very very hard though, and I am dreading leaving dd. I know I will cry buckets just like I did with ds. However I think you will be ok, especially with having that much time off before you have to go back. I feel for you though....I still miss ds when he goes to see his grandparents (and I NEED the break lol!)

Thank you so much for sharing your story! its reassuring to hear things can work out for even us single mamas. (i forgot to mention in my original post that I am a single mama too) when I leave for work DS stays with my mom. He has only been around family which I think has helped with the bonding as well. I cried when I left ds for the first time too. I will probably cry more this time since Ill be returning so soon. I also still miss ds when he is over at my moms place. She is always asking to have him spend the night and on the few times I have caved I have not been able to sleep because i miss the little guy.