Private playdates ? - Page 2

[annethcz]

I was actually thinking along the lines that maybe HIS parents wouldn't let him come to your house anymore. But you not allowing him into your house isn't a bad idea either

[jeteaa]

I really do feel for this kid who needs only 1:1 play dates.... but ya know, thats not how real life is unless he wants to live in a bubble. Even if he is hsed, he will be around multiple kids at one time.

[PGTlatte]

If I invited them over to go play at our neighborhood park with us, or we meet them at another park, I would be totally okay with whoever joined us, because the park is a public space. But I do not feel that to be the case with our privacy-fenced back yard.

Originally Posted by jeteaa

I really do feel for this kid who needs only 1:1 play dates.... but ya know, thats not how real life is unless he wants to live in a bubble. Even if he is hsed, he will be around multiple kids at one time.

[sapphire_chan]

I would've excused myself to my guests, asked the other parent to keep an eye on my child, and taken the neighbor child home.

So, um, clearly I think your feelings on boundaries were more than reasonable.

[Smithie]

"Also, and this may seem odd, but I have some sympathy for the child. It's not his fault that his parents have neglected to teach him a sense of respect for others' time and space. He can be funny and creative. They do have fun together. I like all those things. I just want some limits and respect for boundaries, KWIM ?"

Not odd at all. And really, a good thing, because he's the one you'll have to deal with since his parents are so unreasonable, so the more mutual liking and empathy that develops between the two of you, the better.

I don't think you have to commit to never letting Little Timmy (whatever his real name may be) into your backyard again. I think you have to commit to teaching him that no means no when he comes over to play and you say "not now." Even though his folks let him roam the neighborhood, it's still OK for you to march him home and knock on the door and say "We've got other stuff going on right now. I don't want to see Little Timmy in my yard for the rest of the day." They may be hostile. They may even holler at you. But unless you think they might hit you or Timmy, you need to put yourself on their radar as the family who is going to bring the problem to their doorstep every time. Eventually, not wanting to deal with it, they will instruct Little Timmy in the basic manners that he should already possess - knock, ask, accept the answer whether it's yes or no.

[sapphire_chan]

bring their chicken home to roost.

[dahlialia]

Given the length of relationship with this kid, it may be possible for you to teach him what he needs to know.

"I'm sorry, but we are not available for a playdate today. We need you to not hang around our property when we aren't available. If you can go away and do something else today, then you can come back for a playdate on X day. If you hang around here, I will need to take you home, and there won't be a playdate on X day"

If he manages to stay away, I wouldn't be above making the playdate extra special, and telling him you appreciate him being able to listen and follow your rules.

[SaoirseC]

No child is allowed in my house or on my property if they are unwilling to follow my rules. I know this sounds very authoritarian, but honestly I've never had a problem with kids finding me too strict (then again, my kids are still too young to be free-roaming, so most of the kids who have been in my house are children of my friends). When another child is in my house, regardless of whether or not he was invited over, I am legally and ethically responsible for his well-being. If he's not willing to listen to me, I have no ability to protect him.

I would probably see this kiddo the same way you do- his parents are the problem, he's just unfortunate enough not to know better (and I can empathize with that because that was me as a kid). So, it might be possible for you to earn his trust- be his friend, but still be firm about whatever rules you think are appropriate for your household. If he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is. Sooner or later, he'll probably learn that he's welcome at your place when he follows your household rules, and when he accepts your boundaries about when other kids are allowed over, and when they're not (especially if you emphasize that these rules aren't specifically for him, but for every child- you are not targeting him even though it's possible that his family is encouraging him to think of himself as a social pariah).

BTW, it doesn't seem like his parents really care about what other parents might be teaching him, so I'd feel free to indoctrinate him with whatever boundaries you feel are appropriate- it's not like he's receiving this education from his parents.

[SweetPotato]

I didn't read all the responses, but have to say that you are being totally reasonable here. We live on a cul-de-sac with a whole herd of roaming kids. The general rule that we've discussed with our dd is that she can play with kids in the front yards, but she has to ask us about houses or backyards. The front yards are considered more public space and the backyards private. If someone has a friend over and they're playing out front with the whole herd, then that's fine, but if they're in their own backyard we leave them to enjoy their company (seriously-- the neighbors can play together tomorrow!) We do have one neighbor kid who is a bit more persistent, and I've learned that I have to be more firm when dealing with her ("we are going inside now- it's time for you to go home"- as she stands on our deck watching us carry things inside) Luckliy, all the parents here are very respectful of eachother and definitely seem to be on the same page when it comes to expecting/enforcing boundaries and courtesy from the kids. I'm surprised and sorry that the neighbor dad was a pill-- it really is HIS problem, though-- as you deserve to have space in your own home and yard. No wonder his child is rude, rude, rude.