Need perspective on sharing duties

[Altair]

I used to think we had a good balance in my family between DP and I and taking care of the baby and household duties, but since returning to work after my spring break (I'm a teacher) it has felt really overwhelming.

We do split shifts to take care of our 12 month old son. I work early morning (wake up before the 2 of them) and get home usually before 3. Then my partner leaves sometime around there and comes home anywhere from 9 to 2AM, depending on when he left and how much work he has to do. His schedule is set by him, but he has a lot of pressures to perform. (He works in the liquor industry).

So it's REALLY hard on us never to see each other and to always be alone with the baby. Makes things like cleaning, cooking, etc. a lot more challenging.

So my side of the story: I feel like I take on the brunt of the cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands/etc. He will make the bed half the days, wipe up his messes maybe a third of the days, clean up the baby's toys maybe half the days, vacuum just the rug (not the floors or into the corners like I do) once a week or so, and throw a few loads of laundry/diapers in a week (but not fold/put away, and we have many loads a week since our washer is very small).

I do all of the dishes from their day (and mine), clean up all his breakfast/lunch messes most days, make the bed half the days he forgets, change the sheets every week, 90% of the laundry/diapers, run most errands with baby in tow after work, food shop, meal plan, cook dinner and figure out all of baby's meals, Put away all his clothes strewn all over the apartment from the night before, find his sock balled up into corners all over the place and shoes underneath everything, try to organize all his receipts and work papers that get thrown all over the kitchen island every day, hang up and keep neat his suits for work that are all over the apartment, clean the bathroom everyday from all his shaving mess he somehow makes a huge mess of the floor everyday getting ready that I clean, I have to pump all day at work and clean my pump parts and bottles and such... I don't want to keep typing, but basically I feel as though I'm cleaning up after him AFTER coming home from work, so that I'm keeping on top of MY cooking and baby care messes in addition to needing to clean up all his messes... while watching the baby.

In my opinion, we should each clean our own messes and the baby's mess when we're in charge. I don't even care about deep cleaning so much, I'd do 100% of that and even the laundry if he'd just stay on top of his own messes. When I am home from breaks and all summer I manage to solo care for baby and cooking/cleaning. I don't see how ANY WAHP can be expected to clean up and cook 100% for the other one. My job is also MUCH harder than his, it involves being with kids all day, all of whom have autism. His job involves buying people drinks in bars and coming up with marketing ploys and inviting friends out to PR events.

His side of the story: He's home with the baby all day (til 3), can't get anything done. He has to work on things for work on email/computer and baby won't let him so nothing else gets done. Baby's nap time is his only down time of the day (though I think half his work time, eating out dinners with friends and such IS down time) so he doesn't want to do chores then. He DOES work hard, I know. He also helped in the night for a few months during the leadup to nightweaning before baby started STTN. He is WONDERFUL dad and I could never leave my baby all day without knowing he's in such great hands. He's also wickedly hot and looks quite delicious with the Babyhawk on strolling around the city. He lets me sleep in some weekends and go get my nails done every once in awhile without a complaint.

Sooo... tonight I freaked out on him. I came home (he dropped me off with baby because he needed the car) and the house was a DISASTER. I can't even describe it, just horrible. And this was after I deep cleaned it last night for hours after work. We live in a small NYC one bedroom so stuff just piles up if it's not dealt with immediately. There is no "just leave his stuff out for him to deal with" because then I'd have no where to sit/cook/play. I felt so disrespected that he spent the day out playing with the baby at his parents house assuming he could trash the place this morning then I'd come home and fix everything again, like I always do. So that there was no way I could go out and enjoy the beautiful afternoon with my son, because I'd be up til midnight just trying to get this place back to where it was and dinner on the table.

I walked in and started crying. Sobbing. I was so sad that THIS was my afternoon/night. Baby wants to nurse, wants constant cuddles/books (OF COURSE!!!) and I wanted to do that too. I called him and yelled at him and said some mean stuff. That is SO not like me. I've never yelled at him before like that.

It took me 3 hours to just get the house somewhere near where it was the night before. That's not counting making dinner, bathing baby, long nighttime routine, etc. Sorry for the long post, but I felt so out of control today I don't know if I've lost perspective and should be thankful I have a loving Daddy at home with my boy, or I should expect we each clean our own messes, to SOME degree. I felt like his maid today and it pissed me off. Why do I have to multitask all night but he gets to *Just* focus on baby???!! No fair I want that gig!

I know we both work hard. Some of the best advice I heard about dual working families is "always assume your partner is putting in 110% also and is also damn tired." So true and I think I need to remember that.

Just talk me out of my funk please!

[DariusMom]

What can you financially outsource? I sometimes joke that the cleaning lady did more to save my marriage than counseling did . .. . and I'm not really sure that's such a joke sometimes . . .

It *does* sound like you bear the brunt of things and that's really frustrating. Having a baby changes everything, and it can be really really hard to recalibrate.

I would think of practical solutions . . .. food delivery, meal planning and doing shopping only once a week, a cleaning person for as often as you can afford it (even a deep cleaning once a month can be *so* worth it), and even a babysitter/nanny for a few morning or afternoons a week.

If you could find someone reliable to watch the baby one morning a week, maybe your DH could get a bit more work done and feel less stressed (and thus able to do more cleaning, etc. when he's at home with the baby). The same for you for an afternoon a week or so.

I know it's not MDC dogma, and I get that you might be committed to no outside care for your child, but it sounds like things simply aren't working and two half days a week could help you, your DH, and your marriage.

Hang in there. The first year is really tough, no matter what.

[Carita]

coming from a person who has miserabley failed at the WAHM thing... ((hugs)) being home with a baby while trying to work is very hard, and I always made a bigger mes at the end of the day becuase it was a choice between three activities - child attention/development, work, and household, and they usually proceeded in that order.

could you have a bit higher cleaning standards than him? It sounds like he mostly takes care of his messes, just not to your standards - ie. vaccuumiing in the corners. I think if you want everything always up to your standards and your standards are a bit demanding, then you will always end up doing it yourself, so you really have 2 people doing the same things over each other. Maybe instead of spllitting cleaning, you split based on what each of you excel at. So you sit down and make a chore list and you do cleaning and he does nighttime routine or something. I like the PP word choice - maybe its time to sit down and recalibrate responsibilities.

[akind1]

It does sound like you bear the brunt and that is so hard! DH is finally coming around and doing more (why don't men know how to deep clean??) - I WAH 3 days a week, and I am in the office 2 days. DH does some freelance web stuff on occasion. On the days I WAH, I am both childcare person and I work my paying job. DH sleeps and sometimes will use these opportunities to clean. Days I am in the office, DH rarely gets anything done around the house. I chalk this up to guys simply can't multitask unless it is in front of a computer screen (he can IM on three different chat servers - fb, google, and skype - read up on things, shop online, and do some of his freelance work all at once) but he can't do the laundry and care for the baby.

Like PP, can you bring in any help? cleaning, baby care, etc? I wish I could afford to bring in cleaning help . . .DH's aunts and cousins do that for a living, but it would feel weird to me to have family clean, I would want to help! I am odd in that I'd prefer strangers.

[Quinalla]

I think you probably both need to give some. He needs to pick up after himself better, for example clothes strewn around everywhere, there really is no reason for that to happen. It isn't that hard to at least take clothes off all in the same place, if his hamper isn't in the place he wants to do it, move it there The shaving mess is another, shave over the trashcan and point him to whatever it is that will clean up the mess he makes so he can clean it up himself. Little things like that that really take almost zero extra time he needs to be conscientious about. And yes, making it so you can't even come home and sit down is awful, he can't just trash the place and leave it for you, I would have been upset too!

However, I do think some things are ok to let slide (the work papers for example, I'd just get a box and if they are out when you get home, pick them up and dump them in the box, he can organize them) until the weekend or something and then you can tackle them more easily with one of you holding the baby. Both of you need to be able to have some downtime when you are home just playing with the baby and some downtime to yourselves too to unwind.

[lmbjer]

DH and I don't work splits like that but sometimes he does stay home with our kids. When he does we have two things we mutually agreed on. First, the house should be picked up before I walked through the door. Second, there should be no dirty dishes in the sink.

Those two things stress me out and so he helps me there. I expect nothing else from him. He handles all outside chores (mowing, car up keep, etc.) and I handle all inside chores. He also works six days a week and I work five.

We split errands depending on who has time and will be the closest.

It works well for us, but until we worked out a compromise we were both stressed out.

Perhaps you together could work out a short list of what you would like done by the time you get home?

[Altair]

Don't have much time to respond-- but we did try a chore list and he just doesn't do his.

My standards actually aren't high, I just want space to eat, sit on the couch, and play with baby on the floor. We also need clean clothes and dishes to eat off of. The vacuuming in the corners was just to show that the entire floors in the apartment are not clean if all you vacuum is a 5x8 rug! He doesn't clean up his own messes, at all. He used to. He doesn't WAH, really, just does some email catch up and such. He works 8 hours or so every afternoon/night out and about in the city.

I really will think about the cleaning help... but as it is we're struggling to start a college fund or emergency savings and as of now have zero, so any things that make life easier but cost money are hard to justify! I would love the find the money, even for 1-2 times a month though.

We do have the option of using his parents for childcare once a week or so, but there are some VERY weird dynamics there and every time we do it we end up regretting it a bit. To put it bluntly, they cursed us out for getting pregnant in the first place and now want to act as though the baby is theirs when we're all together-- they purposefully go 100% against what we say. So, it's not a great option. We do have a good deal with my best friend she'll watch him for $10/hr, which is MUCH less than the regular cost in this area. We talked about doing that once a week.

Thank you for the suggestions.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by Altair

I really will think about the cleaning help... but as it is we're struggling to start a college fund or emergency savings and as of now have zero, so any things that make life easier but cost money are hard to justify! I would love the find the money, even for 1-2 times a month though.

IMHO, starting a college fund or emergency savings is not worth more than the the stress on you, the resentment towards your DH, and unhappiness you have about your home. I'd get a cleaning person. Your DC will not be an infant forever, and the total mess and inability to get anything done will be a lot less of an issue in 1-2 years. Either that or you have another kid, and then it is still easier because your cleaning standards go down and it doesn't bug you as much. In the meantime a cleaning person might make you happier.

I liked the pp's suggestion to make a list of what you each do best and concentrate on those areas. For example, my DH is total waste at dishes. He forgets pots on the stove, grunge on the counters.... But he is great at doing the finances and taxes and stuff I detest. So he does the finances and I generally do the dishes. I generally just do the dishes, but if I am busy or don't feel like it, I am making a conscious choice to accept that it may not be "to my standards" and let it go, thus avoiding stress.

[aerobrandi]

I am in pretty much the exact same situation as you. I work early mornings and we do the baby switch early afternoon, and then DH goes to work until about midnight. We've only been at it for a few months now but it seemed to help DH if we each had our areas of responsibilites. Like he took over keeping on top of all the bills, feeding the dogs, taking care of the trash etc. and I do the dishes, laundry and cooking. I think it helps instead of the whole "your" and "my" mess, because that was not working for us at all. Makes us feel more like a team this way, kwim?

Oh and on the weekends I also cook big meals so we have lots of leftovers or we can freeze some and I make breakfast sandwiches that can be pulled out of the freezer and microwaved. I also do tons of laundry and lay out clothes for me for the entire week, I know that sounds anal but it helps so much. So a lot of times all I have to do at night is clean out bottles/pump parts, load the dishwasher, do a little tidying, and the rest is quality time with ds. I even ocassionally have time to squeeze in a workout.

We're making it work, and while the house isn't up to what I would *like* it to be, it's totally liveable. Now if we only got more time together as a family.

[Altair]

Thanks for the suggestions, again. Things have gotten a little better after my blow-up... well, we had a very hard couple of days while he reacted (rightfully so) to my yelling. I've just never done that to him (or anyone) before, so it was really out of character and really shook him up and hurt him. I'm angry at myself for losing my cool.

But ever since then he's cleaned a whole lot more!

Still very seriously considering the cleaning woman twice a month, we talked about that and I think we're going to revisit that idea after we see how much tax money he owes! Maybe the straightening up and daily maintenance wouldn't bother me as much if I knew I could just surface everything all the time and leave the bigger stuff.