Some questions about "half" siblings

[La Sombra]

I told my dd a couple of months ago that she is going to be having a baby brother and she is really excited about it (at least to the extent that she understands what that means, exactly, at three years old.) I have not had any thoughts or concerns about their relationship--they have different fathers, a fact that dd totally seems to understand, she knows mommy's partner is her baby brother's daddy--until just today. While writing back and forth with my X about him taking her abroad to his home country this summer, I mentioned him wanting her to be around for the birth of her baby brother. In his response, he said something like, "Yes, I know it is important to you that she be there for the birth of her HALF brother."

That was the first moment that I thought: half brother! Is that that different from regular brother? I mean, in the mind of a child, is it different? I started to worry that maybe they won't love each other like siblings, or that they will grow up referring to each other as half-siblings when in my mind they are just brother and sister. Am I projecting too much of my hopes? Who here has children that don't share the same father or mother? What is their relationship like? Are they close? Do they consider themselves as something different from simply brothers or sisters or brother and sister?

Should I be doing anything differently than what I am doing, which is referring to this baby as her brother (which he will be!) whilst also keeping the dialogue about the paternity of this baby very much open.

Also: I started wondering about how people refer to the parent that is father/mother to one of the children but not to the other when talking to both children. What I mean is, when I talk to dd I refer to "daddy" or "your daddy." When I refer to my partner, I refer to him by his name. But with my son, my partner will be daddy but will remain "J" to my dd. If I am talking with both dd and ds, how do refer to J? As "J" or "papa" or "your daddy/J"? Seems suddenly so confusing although I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of nothing. How do those of you in a similar situation (either with half-siblings or step-siblings) handle this question?

TIA!

[mom23kidsinutah]

Absolutely not. You are doing the exact right thing. My DS1 has a different father. He knows my DH isn't his father, but he doesn't question anything. Not even who his real father is. He is 7 now, so maybe that will change. But as for siblings .. he loves his brother and sister SO much. He is such a great brother to them. He is really helpful and loving with them. There is not even one ounce of inclination that they don't share a bond that a bio brother/sister would have.
For the other question, my DS calls his step dad ..just that "DAD" .. he is been in his life since he was 1 1/2 yrs old. He has been there for us and provided and raised him. He is his dad. Hope your X understands and you can work out a arrangement to keep your DD during the birth of the baby.

[LaLaLaLa]

My cousins were eight and three and living with their mother's second husband when their half-sister was born. Shortly afterward, their mother died.

The father of the youngest child remarried and had two more children.

The oldest two, who share no blood with the youngest two, and who don't live with them, call them their baby brother and baby sister.

Families are complex; you'd need a huge piece of posterboard these days to do those family tree assignments we always had in school. Don't sweat over terminology, and don't differentiate between types of siblings. Kids have it all sorted out in their own minds, but it's exhausting to constantly have to explain half-siblings and step-siblings and half-siblings-of-my-half-sibling. Brother and sister are necessary shorthand to avoid getting into the nitty-gritty details.

[violet_]

I wonder about "half siblings" too. I mean, it's accurate, so it shouldn't necessarily offend, and I don't think it should diminish a bond, but I can see how it sounds that way.

I suppose your DD is a "Sister from another Mister."

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by La Sombra

Is that that different from regular brother? I mean, in the mind of a child, is it different?

or that they will grow up referring to each other as half-siblings when in my mind they are just brother and sister.

Should I be doing anything differently than what I am doing, which is referring to this baby as her brother (which he will be!) whilst also keeping the dialogue about the paternity of this baby very much open.

Also: I started wondering about how people refer to the parent that is father/mother to one of the children but not to the other when talking to both children.

I will answer from the perspective of a half-sibling who grew up with an older brother and a younger half-sister. Our father was out of the picture almost my entire childhood. I was legally adopted by my stepdad when I was 8 years old and was given his surname at that time. My mom and dad made a point of calling our younger half-sister our sister, in my mind, she was my sister. However, as careful as my parents were, one comment by my sister tore my heart apart. My sister was sitting on my stepdad's lap and I went in to sit on his lap, too. I was about 5-6 years old. My sister said, 'this is my daddy, not your daddy.' My mom says my face fell and I ran out of the room and after that was never close to my stepdad again. No amount of discussion and affirmation afterward took that hurt and loss away. Of course, there were other factors growing up, but this was the moment when it came to the forefront of my awareness.

The best thing you can do is to support your husband's relationship with your first child and refer to her brother as simply her brother. It is what my parents did.

Since my father was not in my life, mostly, he was referred to in conversations with my mother (by her) as 'your father', or 'your and John's father', or 'Juan' or 'my first husband', or 'him', or 'that man'. There was little consistency there. My mother's anger made her so bitter and to this day I can't mention him without her getting all crazy about it. He was only talked about when I asked endless questions about him until my mom would finally answer something.

Edit: I failed to mention my mom divorced when I was two years old and married my stepdad 3 days after my third birthday. My sister was born 5 months later. So the transfer of fathers in my life happened at a really young age.

[Kindermama]

I have a "half" sister who for all of my life so far always felt like a "whole" sister to me! She's my sister! She was raised by my father and called him "Dad" too...still to this day even though she was reunited with her biological father at 13yo.

[StephandOwen]

I have 2 half siblings (a sister age 7 and a brother age 3). They are my sister and brother. End of story. We don't do "half". They know me (and all 4 of my "full" siblings) as sisters and brother.

If/when I have any other children they will all be raised as sisters/brothers. I don't intend on making any distinction between half/full.

DS has a "half brother" (via his bio-dad). We've told him that's his brother but since he never sees him then I don't think he understands at all. If you ask him if he has any brothers or sisters he says no.

[ChristaN]

I have two sets of cousins who have half-siblings. How much they viewed themselves as just regular siblings vs. something less seemed to vary dependent upon the age differences and whether the bio parent was involved in their lives.

In one instance, my cousin was adopted by her step-father like others have mentioned here. She and her half-sister were never mentioned as being half-sisters. They and everyone else referred to them as "sisters."

In the other case, my other cousins had their mother and father, who were divorced, both actively involved in their lives. Dad remarried and had another child, who is quite a few years younger. While she is loved by her older sisters, she isn't really part of the same group of "sisters" as the rest of the siblings who are full siblings b/c she is younger, didn't live with them for the most part, and the older girls had their bio mom actively in their lives so they weren't "sharing" a mother figure.

[La Sombra]

Thank you all for your responses!

Yes, I wonder how the logistics of my situation will affect the relationship dd has with her brother:

*She is three and will have been raised with him in the same home, primarily, since I have about 75% custody of dd.
*Her did is, however, present in her life and loves her very much and she him.
*My partner loves dd and treats her like his own, but because she already has a dad, he will never be "dad" to her. My heart breaks for the PP who said that her (half-) sister once said to get off her daddy's lap, "This is MY daddy!" Any suggestions for how to discourage that kind of division in my own family--things for DP and for DS, eventually--and for me, too?
*They will be relatively close in age.
*They are going to speak Spanish with my partner--I wonder if having this shared language between the three of them (not including me, although I speak Spanish with dd sometimes, too; I'm a native English speaker and DP is from Spain) will increase their bond (although maybe it has nothing to do with anything!)

And anyone else with suggestions on how to refer to my partner when talking to both children together?

Anyway, thank you all again for all of your thoughtful responses!

[aricha]

Originally Posted by La Sombra

Also: I started wondering about how people refer to the parent that is father/mother to one of the children but not to the other when talking to both children.

We default to the name that the younger child uses. I would say it will have more effect on your younger child than for the older one-- my 2nd oldest often calls me by the nickname that my step-daughter uses, but #3 uses only "mama." My step-daughter, while she occasionally accidentally calls me "mom" doesn't get confused when I'm referred to as "mama" to all the kids. If we need to specify that we are talking about HER mom to ALL kids, we either say "your mom" or use her mom's first name (which is what the younger kids know her as) and it doesn't seem to confuse or upset her at all.

In fact, my step-daughter is pretty sophisticated in her terms-- she refers to me by my nickname when talking to her next-oldest sibling, but as "mama" when she talks to the baby (and she has recently switched to using my nickname when talking to the 3-yr-old-- until recently she used "mama" to refer to me when talking to her). I think even she "gets" that the older kids are old enough to figure it out, but the younger ones are still learning "who's who" and need a consistent name.

It also brings to mind that my step-daughter has an uncle who she lived with for a while, and his kids refer to him by the word for "dad" in another language. She calls him Uncle ["dad in other language"] rather than "Uncle [First Name]. Also, I call my biological dad "Papa" and my little (half-)brother refers to him as "Papa-[First Name]". He now just calls him "Pop" like I do. My 3-yr-old sometimes calls me "mommy," which none of us use at all. I guess all that is to say that your daughter will figure out what she wants to do, and she's not going to be confused by things... what matters is the relationship, not the name. Just let her lead the way.

[Monkeygrrl]

My birth boys are technically half siblings. They don't see it that way, and I'm not raising them with that thought. My youngest is the half sibling to my boyfriend's children. I'm not raising either one of them with the thought that the older kids are anything other than full siblings. When they ask about parental status, I am honest. They know that the older kids have a different mom than they do. But we don't talk about anyone being half siblings to anyone else.

Edited to add: Given that my boyfriend is either biodad or legal dad to all of the children, then I refer to him as Dad or his first name. Given I am Ama to only two of the children, then I am Ama/Mom/first name. And all of the children have free reign to call me any of the three names.

peace...

[JamieB]

I saw this in new posts and decided to add my 2 cents I don't have kids that have half siblings but I do have 6 half brothers and sisters I never ever refer to them or consider them half siblings. I also have one "full" sibling and I don't consider her any more of a sister than the rest. Some people do have the nerve to go out of the way to correct me and add the "half" in when I say something about my brother or sister, which I find really irritating

I remember my mom always refering to my dad by his name to all the kids. I never really thought much about it. I'm probably not much help to you with that one! Sorry!

[CherryBombMama]

as long as my (ten years older) half sister treated me like and acted like a regular sister, i called her my "sister." now that she has cut off all communication, tried to get it back, called my mom (her step mom) horrible names, i refer to her now as my "half sister."

when the love is there, it really doesnt matter i never even thought about the "half" part until she started verbally attacking family members...

[Aliviasmom]

According to Aliva for the last 3 years or so (starting around age 3), Alivia has had a brother and a sister. Biologically, she has a half-brother and a nothing. Her brother is my birthson, and his sister is also adopted, but of no blood relationship to me or Alivia. She says that her sister is my child, but she knows that I only had her and her brother in my tummy.

On some level, they might understand, and on some level, they won't. But they don't think of each other as different.

ETA: Alivia also knows that her brother has two moms (me and AM) and a dad, but that she only has a mom.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I can tell you that DSD knows nothing about half. My DD is her sister and the two of them share a very special bond. They both light up like crazy when they see each other and usually play pretty well together.

We have always said your sister. And the new baby on the way, same thing. Actually DSD is calling it her baby right now. She has been praying for another little sibling for awhile, so really feels it's her baby.

As for what H calls me in front of the girls.. right now he switches it up depending on who he is talking to. I'm Mama to DD, and I'm "J" to DSD. He hasn't had to address them together yet, so I'm not sure what he'll say.

I know DSD talks to DD and points out her Mama and stuff. And she will tell her, go to Mama and point to me. Without saying specifically "your Mama", which is nice.

[blessedwithboys]

background: my ds1 was 7 when i had ds2. they have different fathers. i am now divorced from ds2's father, and both boths have a close relationship to their respective father.

my kids couldnt be closer. as for ds1, he has no half or step sib's on his dads side, but ds2 has 4 step sib's and a baby half bro on his dads side.

ds2 refers to his step moms older kids as his half bros or sisters, but he doesnt say "half" when speaking of the one who shares his blood.

my kids came up with their own phrase to simplify the whole thing. both of my kids are close to my exdh's brood, so they are all plain old "brothers and sisters", but when one of my boys is talking about the other, it is "stomach brother".

i have two younger sisters, one from my dad and one from a different father. i view them equally, in fact, my youngest sister has an older half brother, and i refer to him as my little brother (he's like 6'2" so that always get a laugh)

i think if you dont make it an issue, it will never be one to the kids. GL!

[greenemami]

another one to say that we don't differentiate. We have always said sister and brother and dsd calls her (half-sister on her moms side just sister as well. She does know that they are technicall half-siblings b/c they have one different parent, but never uses the term. Dp (dsd's and our two others dad) is very involved though and we have her nearly 40% of the time, if that makes a difference. Dsd got used to referring to me as mom to the little ones and also uses a nickname (close to mom) that dd will also call me sometimes. Sounds like you are doing the right thing!

[russsk]

My brother has a different father than I do, but he's still my brother, nothing half about it. I did not consider his dad to be my dad, FWIW, and have no relationship with him now. We would just say "your dad" when talking about one another's dad, the same way you would talk about "your teacher" or "your friend." It was no big deal.

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by La Sombra

*My partner loves dd and treats her like his own, but because she already has a dad, he will never be "dad" to her. My heart breaks for the PP who said that her (half-) sister once said to get off her daddy's lap, "This is MY daddy!" Any suggestions for how to discourage that kind of division in my own family--things for DP and for DS, eventually--and for me, too?

I can't speak to most of this, but I wanted to hit this part.

My heart breaks for the PP too, but please realize that this behavior is normal between full siblings, even very close ones. I have a twin sister and I am fairly certain that I pulled the "my daddy!" thing on her at some point. The desire for a parent's undivided attention is at the heart of most sibling rivalry. When this comes up for my kids (and it already comes up - DS is 3, DD is 6 mo, they are full siblings), we explain that we are all one family, that we're all important to each other, and that mommy and daddy take care of and love all the children. We also try and make sure to give both kids some one on one parenting time.

[Grace and Granola]

I haven't read all the replies, so I hope I'm not being redundant.

I have a half brother, ten years younger. So, if you can imagine that, it's a huge difference from how your children will experience being siblings. Even though I am 10 years older, when my brother was born, somehow I was told that he was my "half" brother, and for a short time, I think I thought the word was cool or something, so I used the word "half." It didn't take long for me to drop it though, and I have never thought of him as anything other than my brother. I adore him, almost like he's my own kid, but I love him that much.

As far as the thing with naming the dads....my bio-dad was out of the picture most of the time. Before my brother was born, I called my step-dad by his name. It was probably a year or two after he was born that I started calling my step-dad "Dad." Nobody asked me to, but it was the name used by my brother, it was easier, plus he was really the dad who was raising me. I still call him dad, and I still have limited contact with my bio-dad. BUT, my bio-dad's family is really really uncomfortable when I refer to my step-dad as DAD. They honestly feel you can only have one dad...and I completely disagree! As an adult, I could very easily call both of them dad if the other one was around. My mom calls my bio-dad my FATHER (hear the cringe in her voice) and my step-dad DAD.

But with that said, and how sensitive I have seen it be, I would suggest you talk to your X about this name business, because he needs to be prepared that a 3yo is probably going to pick up on little brother calling J dad. See if he would be agreeable to her coming up with her own name, like papaJ or something. It's going to happen, and X just needs to be prepared so that he isn't crushed by it. Especially if he is an involved father, I mean that has to hurt to hear you child call another guy your name, kwim?

But the LOVE, oh the love won't be different at all!