Some questions about "half" siblings - Page 2

[Ione]

As a half-sister to three siblings and the mom of a daughter who'll have her first half-sibling (from her dad) this summer, I'll chime in with my few cents.

From our point of view, we are siblings, no "half" involved. The only time we make that "half"/"full" distinction is when it is necessary to clarify something that just doesn't compute for someone who doesn't know our family well yet.

For example, I would say (if that were the case, it's a hypothetical, I'm going to the wedding but not to CA): "I'm going to WI for my sister's wedding and then flying to CA to see my father." Which would get a "but won't your father be at the wedding?". To which I would respond, "no, she's my half-sister, we have different fathers." Or something similar.

We know the distinction, and the mechanics of our technical relationship. We also don't care about the distinction, for us, but understand that other people may need the clarification from time to time.

For my daughter, with the upcoming birth, I've explained the difference between "half", "step" and "full" siblings... she's going to have a half-sibling soon and has a step-brother (her father's girlfriend's son).

She knows that my brother and sisters are "really half-siblings because we have different fathers but in our hearts we are just siblings, no halfs at all, because that's how we feel about each other."

I've told her that the baby-on-the-way will be her half-sibling, and her step-brother's half-sibling because it will share one biological parent with each of them. AND that, just like with me and my siblings, that half-sibling will also just be her sibling, no-halfs, if/when she/they feel like not-halfs.

Now that she's clear on the biological relationships involved, I just refer to the baby as her future "brother or sister" (don't know which yet) and don't use the term "half". But she's 7 so explaining the biology first seemed easier, especially since we have the real-life concrete example of my (half)siblings to refer to.

And, in the future, I'll follow her lead once she starts to get to know the baby. If/when she wants to drop the distinction, I will continue to do so. Except when necessary to clarify, for instance if she says she's "going to see her sibling in France" and someone asks me why my other child lives in France, then I'd explain that it's her half-sibling from her father, who lives in France.

That said, and as much as I'm willing to encourage her to drop the "half" (and "step") in her mind and heart, for *her*, I think it is unreasonable for her father to expect me to place the same importance on her being there for the birth as he does.

She will, because of when the baby is due and when her regular summer visit is scheduled. And, if we had nothing else going on, I'd be more than willing to shift the dates on her regular visitation schedule to accomodate him if there wasn't anything else important going on.

BUT I would be upset if he expected me to re-schedule an important trip or event in my family, or miss and important event in my family here at a time when DD's supposed to be with me, just because he and his gf are having a baby.

For example, my sister is getting married next fall. The date's been set for a long time. If his gf had gotten pregnant *after* the wedding plans were made (or even just told us she was pregnant after the plans had been made) and then he expected her to not attend the wedding so she could visit him around the time of the due-date (with absolutely no guarantees that she'd even be there at the "right" time if the baby came early or late), I'd tell him to pound sand. Politely, of course.

She's 7. Not being there when the baby is born will not do any long-term damage to their future sibling relationship. Heck, in non-divorced/non-blended families, kids are often "vacationing with grandparents" or whatever on purpose when new babies join the family...

The new baby will be her brother or sister, no question about that. And I support that. But the new baby will *not* be *my* baby in any way, shape or form, and it is not reasonable to expect me to cater to every life-event in his life just because he and I share a child and were once married.

If I were to remarry someday (not likely, but not impossible), I would not ask him to alter or give up any of his time with her to accomodate my wedding. I'd schedule it at a time when she's supposed to be with me. My important life-events are not his concern any more than his are mine.

Does any of that make sense?

[mandib50]

my 2 oldest are from my first marriage and when the younger 2 were born, they were always referred to as "your brother/sister". as they've gotten older, they have talked to each other about what it means to be half-brother/half-sister, and they all agree that it doesn't mean anything because they ARE sisters/brothers they are all very close to each other (the 2 oldest are with me full time and always have been, so the kids have always been around each other).

because the older ones were around my husband first, it was hard to make the transition from calling him S to dad when the littler ones were born. by default, i'll still say go ask "S" if they are all around (for example), or if i'm talking to the little ones i'll say go ask "dad". it seems strange for me sometimes to refer to my husband as S, even when it comes to the younger ones, but it's never been an issue and the younger ones always call him dad.

[sugarpop]

I have many brothers and sisters. I have no "whole" brothers or sisters. I have an adopted brother, I have step brothers and step sisters I have half brothers and half sisters...honestly I loose count at times. I don't distiguish. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me and to distinguish makes me feel like I am diminishing our relationship.

I am the oldest, I lived with some growing up, and others lived with my Dad and their Mom, or their Mom.

I was recently asked how I would introduce my sister. She has a different mother and same father. My Fathers second...baby's mother...Anyhow. I would just introduce her as my sister. Anyone wanted more info I would just say we have the same Father. The rest is really noones buisness. And to be honest the fact that she is a half sister is noones buisness either.

I also feel distinguishing would have made me feel less like a part of the family. I called my step dad, Dad, for more of the same reason. HE was their and that was my family too.

[lvngmm]

Hi.

We ALWAYS refer to DS and DSD as brother and sister. They are very close in age and share the same dad.

However, my DSD's mom is highly involved in her life and has sole custody (though we have her almost 50% of the time.)

The kids adore each other most of the time. Every once in a while, DSD gets jealous of DS (and, I think, vice-versa, though DS can't talk as well/much yet.) The biggest problem comes from DSD's mom. While she doesn't call my DS "half" brother, she barely acknowledges him. Every time someone asks her about her daughter's siblings, and at school assignments, she reinforces that she's an only child. It falls on me and my partner to make that clear, every day.

We also refer to DSD's mom as "your mommy," and whenever my partner talks to both of them and mentions me, I've asked him to say "mommy" because I'm the mommy in this house. I have to say, he doesn't always remember. And because his DSD came first, he's more used to referring to me by name in front of both. Sometimes I let it go, other times I bring it up again.

Overall, it's very clear to my DSD that I'm her brother's mom and that she has her own mom. What she gets confused about a little is the extended family. She thinks all her cousins and grandparents are hers only, and that my DS's extended family is only my family, who lives abroad. This bothers me, but hopefully with time, things will change. She'll say things like: It's so nice DS likes my grandma so much, even if she's not his grandma," when in reality, she is their father's mother.

And regarding the language, I grew up in a foreign country and speak to my DS in my native language sometimes. I try not to do it too much in front of others. But my DSD started picking up some words and uses them to refer to certain things. I just can't expect them all to have the same background and culture. My DSD's mom could not be more different from me. She likes the suburbs, she doesn't work, and mostly takes her daughter to do typical kids things only. I love the city, take my DS to museums, restaurants and more adult things (as well as kids stuff) and my professional life and traveling (with DS and DP) are super important to me. But even though there are some differences, when we're all at home, we treat both kids the same, and there is no "half" in the relationship.

[JBaxter]

My older 2 were 12 & 9 when their first "half" brother was born. Their father kept ( very very annoyingly so ) referring to Nathan has their HALF brother. My then 9 yr old looked at their dad and said... Dad which HALF cant you see. He looks like a whole baby to me Gotta love the wisdom of children

The only person who has ever referred to my younger 2 as "half" is their father and step mother. Logan and Connor both refer to Nathan and Jack as brothers.

My older 2 do call my DH by his first name and my little ones call DH daddy.

[WinterPearl]

I am one of five children that my mother had, she was never in a stable relationship with anyone for more than a few years and I only share a father with my older sister. Growing up 'half' was only mentioned if it referred to someones other sibling on their fathers probably because us 5 were our only constant. When explaining to friends, and what not, it was always 'my brother/sisters dad' or 'we don't have the same dad'. At one point my mother married a widower who had 2 daughters the same age as my younger 2 siblings. When we referred to his daughters they were our step sisters and he was our step dad only because my mother never let us get over the blending transition before that relationship ended.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

I can't speak to most of this, but I wanted to hit this part.

My heart breaks for the PP too, but please realize that this behavior is normal between full siblings, even very close ones. I have a twin sister and I am fairly certain that I pulled the "my daddy!" thing on her at some point. The desire for a parent's undivided attention is at the heart of most sibling rivalry. When this comes up for my kids (and it already comes up - DS is 3, DD is 6 mo, they are full siblings), we explain that we are all one family, that we're all important to each other, and that mommy and daddy take care of and love all the children. We also try and make sure to give both kids some one on one parenting time.

It's not the same. When two siblings who have the same parent say, 'no, that's my mommy' and they argue, inside they still know that mommy is a mommy to both of them. When one parent isn't one child's parent, it does not feel the same to hear that's not their parent. I never thought my sister's behavior was abnormal. I just hurt from the truth in it. No amount of explanations as you describe and my family reiterated will change the facts that I had no daddy, not really.

[arb]

I have 3 half siblings from two different mothers (our father was married three times). I have always called them my sisters and brothers, even though we did not grow up living together full time. I would only add the "half" if I was trying to explain my family's complicated family tree. Even then, I would usually say it like this: "I have 4 siblings: a sister from my Dad's first marriage, a sister and brother from his second marriage, and my brother and I are from his third (and last!) marriage." I've gone through periods of being more or less close with each of them, but it doesn't have much to do with whether they are "halfs" or not.

[frontstreetmama]

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~

However, as careful as my parents were, one comment by my sister tore my heart apart. My sister was sitting on my stepdad's lap and I went in to sit on his lap, too. I was about 5-6 years old. My sister said, 'this is my daddy, not your daddy.'

My kids do this all the time -- this is my mommy, not your mommy, but I *AM* their mommy -- I wonder if your sister didn't mean it that way but b/c of the circumstance it weighed more... I'm sorry that that happened to you, it must have been very heart-breaking at the time...

My 4 kids have 3 different dads and I'm single... I don't ever even THINK of them as half-anything... they are all my children... I don't think they think about it much, if at all, but they also don't really talk about their 'dads' ... I'm curious to see how they ask questions or not as they get older, they are 11, 8, 2.5 and 2 weeks right now!

watching this thread to see what other's say...

[pinksprklybarefoot]

We do not do the "half" thing - not wit DSD and DSs, not with my 6 yo half-brother and I.

[MyFullHouse]

I have one half-sibling and 4 step-siblings. I call them my half/steps, mostly b/c they came into my life when I was 17 and 23. We don't introduce each other with those distinctions, but we do refer to each other as such.

My oldest son, otoh, is the oldest of 6 between his father and me, including one step and 4 halves. They are simply brothers and sisters. They're being raised as brothers and sisters, so they're called brothers and sisters.

[elmh23]

Honestly, I think it depends on the relationship the kids have, like do they live together or never see eachother.

DH and I both have half-siblings. His was adopted at birth (15 years older than him) and he didn't meet him (or know about him) until he was 12. Mine is my fathers daughter. She's 12 years older and our dad is kind of, um, a deadbeat (to put it nicely) so we've never met. I didn't find out about her until I was 14 and have only talked to her on-line (FB rawks!) since August (I'm 27.) So they are our half-siblings.

But then there is my BIL's family. He married his wife and gained two sons. Then he and his wife had two sons. Those boys are brothers. Oddly enough, I've heard the oldest refer to his biological fathers son as a half-brother (who lives in another state from him), so it seems he holds the same view of half-siblings as I do.

[mimi_mommy]

Labels are something adults invented. And mostly I find they are used by adults that find titles and labelling important.
My partner and I are about to have our first and he has a daughter from his first marriage. My step-daughter is super excited to be a big SISTER. Often her mother will refer to the baby as only a half sister to SD and when she asks about it we make sure she knows that while the baby wont have the same moms they have the same dad's and that all that matters is that the baby will love her and want to be like her and that she will probably love the baby.
We try to really enforce the no labelling but do address the fact that a lot of people out there use words like "real" or "half" and that they do it to make sense of the situation.

[momfirst]

Here's my experience. My ex and I adopted our DD. We divorced, he had a DD with someone else who also had a DD from a previous relationship. My ex and his GF insisted that the girls were *all* sisters...no 1/2 or step. For whatever reason this sort of bothered me, maybe because I knew their relationship would never last (and it didn't), but I let it go.

Now, 19 years later, my DD hasn't seen or heard from her "sisters" in over 7 years. She doesn't know where they live or how to contact them, and even though they know how to contact my DD, they never have. One of her sisters recently had a baby and my DD was never called or told about it. She found out from a friend on Facebook.

It makes me sad that for years these girls spent weekends/vacations together and now there is nothing between them. I feel bad that my DD had a "family" with these other girls, and now that family is gone. In my mind family is forever.

[DeChRi]

I have only read some replies so I apologize if this has been said....

I have DD1 from a first marriage, divorced when she was 5yo, remarried when she was 7yo, new baby when she was 8yo and another enroute (DD1 is 11yo now). DD1 is with us pretty much full time, but her dad is a couple miles away and she goes there one night every other weekend or so, but he is around a lot in between (informal custody at this point). SO he has been a regular fixure in her life.

Anyway, DD1s half sister (my DD2) is every bit her sister. She was 8 when DD2 came along so she totally got the concept of half siblings, but we never talked about it really. Honestly, it wasn't until like a year later when we got in a complicated discussion that it even dawned on her, lol. Her dad is remarrying in a couple weeks and his almost new wife is 31 and they will be trying to kids asap. DD1 asked if my DD2 will be in anyway related to her dad's upcoming kids.

The love there is 100% sibling love. My guess is that it may be not quite the same when her dad has kids, but only because she is not there as much. Kids have a pretty amazing capacity to love though, and I cannot imagine her really having anything but full love for the "half" siblings that shake out on both sides.

[amydidit]

Here are my thoughts:

I have 3 half siblings. They don't feel like siblings to me at all. BUT it has nothing to do with the blood relations. It has to do with the fact that I wasn't raised with them. Rarely saw them at all. In fact two of them I didn't meet until I was 13. THAT it what makes them not feel like siblings to me.

My oldest DD is from a previous *relationship*. She loves her half sisters just like they were full sisters. And the younger ones don't even think twice about it. DD2 is almost 5 and knows that her older sister has a different dad. But it doesn't matter to her at all. They are being raised all together.

So from my (limited) experience blood isn't what makes people feel close to their siblings. It's the contact they have with each other.

[DeChRi]

Originally Posted by amydidit

So from my (limited) experience blood isn't what makes people feel close to their siblings. It's the contact they have with each other.

THIS is what I think I meant, but was to tired to say it quite as eloquently.