Feeling down about other people....

[hippymomma69]

So my DD (no diagnosis but suspected APD and ADHD according to the dev. ped. - barely on the PDD-NOS spectrum according to the school district) has had this ongoing issue at her school (not enough support, a teacher who doesn't want her in the classroom, 4 boys who are bullying her, etc - she's in kindy so this is our first experience with the local school).

To make a long story short, both her teacher and one of the moms of the bullies made comments yesterday and today about how much "I had to deal with" with regards to my DD. (She is excessively headstrong I think is what they mean).

But it's so freaking irritating to me. She is my oldest so I never knew (until her brother came along) anything different than her. So after 6 years, she and I have worked things out - I can negotiate around her when she gets "locked in" to a viewpoint and I don't really consider her a "behavior problem" at all. I mean, at all. We have rules that I expect her to follow and I will remind her what they are - and she and I have a mutual respect so we can generally negotiate a compromise if we are not seeing eye to eye on something.

Anyway, I look at her and I see her creativity, her spirit, her unique way of looking at the world and I see even her headstrong rigidity as a part of that - I don't feel like I'm "dealing with" her at all....they look at her and see problem and think she doesn't belong with their "normal" kids and needs to be removed from the classroom.

Unlike these bullies, she is not violent, she is not vindictive, she is curious and eager to learn. But she does not respond to traditional rewards/punishments (doesn't mean anything to her). And she is not able to communicate her needs well. And she was attachment parented/gentle disciplined so she needs a strong connection with an adult. If you say black, she'll probably say white. But if you're smart, you'll say gray and negotiate from there....so you just have to be a little smarter to communicate with her.

And she is the "problem".

Sigh.

So is this pity they are expressing? And why does it irritate me so much...is it because I don't feel like there is anything to pity me for (maybe like saying "I'm so sorry you have to deal with brown hair?" - that would make me mad too).

Anyway, does anyone else feel this way?

[SpottedFoxx]

{{{hugs}}}

I hear you loud and clear. Try not to feel badly. They are coming to you out of a place of ignorance. They don't know what it's like to parent a wonderful child like you have. They have no idea the creativity it takes, the patience, the joy and the heartache. They think because your daughter is different from their children that she must be a burden to you.

Do you feel they would be open to being educated about how wonderful it is to be your daughter's mother? If so, then talk to them. If not, please let it roll off your back.

[justmama]

Originally Posted by hippymomma69

If you say black, she'll probably say white. But if you're smart, you'll say gray and negotiate from there....so you just have to be a little smarter to communicate with her.

You are the coolest mom EVER! Will you be my mommy?

[NightOwlwithowlet]

Lots of hugs, I've had similar comments from both my sister and my dad in the past few months about my son. Something along the lines of "you've been through so much with him and done such a great job..."

I know that it's meant as a compliment but it really pisses me off. I'm his mother and this is who he is. I love the way he thinks, his perseverance, his empathy, his creativity and his energy. Well, maybe not so much his energy some days. It makes me wonder how they view my child. Do they really see him as so impaired in the past? Am I in major denial about how he appears to others?

I'm just rambling, but I really hear what you're saying. I'd love your daughter. She sounds great.

[LauraLoo]

Mama -- You need to read this:

http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/nurtu...ing-badly.aspx

There is such a huge emphasis on conformity and blind obedience in our society because it makes things easier for teachers & caretakers in the short run. I've had a teacher point blank tell me that my ds needed to conform. Thank goodness that I didn't try to crush his spirit. In the long run, what may have been a "problem" for that teacher will be a very huge strength for my ds. Don't let these people crush your spirit, either! Your dd is very lucky to have you as a mama.

[SpottedFoxx]

Originally Posted by NightOwlwithowlet

Lots of hugs, I've had similar comments from both my sister and my dad in the past few months about my son. Something along the lines of "you've been through so much with him and done such a great job..."

I know that it's meant as a compliment but it really pisses me off. I'm his mother and this is who he is. I love the way he thinks, his perseverance, his empathy, his creativity and his energy. Well, maybe not so much his energy some days. It makes me wonder how they view my child. Do they really see him as so impaired in the past? Am I in major denial about how he appears to others?

I'm just rambling, but I really hear what you're saying. I'd love your daughter. She sounds great.

Nightowl, please try not to take offense. I'm sure they view him exactly as you do - as a wonderful child. However, we have to honest here, our children are (thankfully) not the norm. We have to learn how to think on our feet, be creative in our parenting whether it's with punishments, rewards, education, etc. Not all parents are able to experience parenting this way. Also, not all parents are cut out to parent. Regardless of if your child is special needs or not... there are some people out there who are terrible parents. I hope that your father and your sister are simply acknowledging what an amazing mother you are and it's exhibited in the wonderful child you are raising.

[AnalogWife]

Originally Posted by NightOwlwithowlet

Lots of hugs, I've had similar comments from both my sister and my dad in the past few months about my son. Something along the lines of "you've been through so much with him and done such a great job..."

I know that it's meant as a compliment but it really pisses me off. I'm his mother and this is who he is. I love the way he thinks, his perseverance, his empathy, his creativity and his energy. Well, maybe not so much his energy some days. It makes me wonder how they view my child. Do they really see him as so impaired in the past? Am I in major denial about how he appears to others?

I'm just rambling, but I really hear what you're saying. I'd love your daughter. She sounds great.

I totally know what you're saying. I get my nose out of joint when I pick up clues that others are talking about MY PRECIOUS SON less than favorably. I'm still working on it, I've built a pretty big mother-bearish wall around DS and me which I think is a little unfair to our family and loved ones, but I need to take my time to develop the best mode of communication.

OP, obviously the universe put you and your dd together for a reason, those other moms/teachers haven't a clue, THEIR LOSS!

[mrsfru]

So is this pity they are expressing? And why does it irritate me so much...is it because I don't feel like there is anything to pity me for (maybe like saying "I'm so sorry you have to deal with brown hair?" - that would make me mad too).

Anyway, does anyone else feel this way?

It may be pity they are expressing...BUT when I feel this vibe from people, I think of them as just "not getting it". And WHAT A SHAME! Look at all the people in their world, maybe even their own kids and their own spouses, who may not always fit in their neat little boxes. It must be tough to be so narrow minded (even if you don't yet know it)...when things get a little big ugly, people like that *really* struggle. And to think, the parent of the bully thinks that *your* kid has a problem??? HHmmm..

It irritates *me* because it says to me that those people aren't trying very hard to get to know my wonderful child, that they aren't willing to think outside the box to help him learn and get along. It makes me sad b/c my child will run into people like this every day of his life, and some of them will affect him in not-so-positive ways forever (which is one reason I am quite cautious about who I leave my kids with--what the average kiddo will recover from and forget about in 20 minutes, my child will brood about for the rest of the night, up sobbing uncontrollably...and he's only 4.5 yrs old. This started when he was around 2.5!)

I don't know if I personally care so much if they actually feel pity--it's the other stuff that can come across as "pity" that bothers me more. If they actually understood any part of it, and then felt *empathy* for what our lives are like right now, I can deal with and appreciate that. But feeling down about us b/c they don't care to learn a darn thing about my kid ticks me off. True pity may not bother me as much b/c if someone feels that way, chances are I probably think they are too dumb to really care what their opinion is anyways! LOL

You aren't the only one that gets this stuff from others. It's irritating.

mrsfru

[julianito]

It hurts when others don't see the beauty in our kids eyes, the light in their souls.

Originally Posted by mrsfru

And to think, the parent of the bully thinks that *your* kid has a problem??? HHmmm..mrsfru

The child whose parent was down on your daughter is probably getting this message toward differences from his/her folks. Likewise, the kids in your daughter's class who are bullying may be getting the message its OK, or that your daughter is a problem, from the teacher. That worries me.

Is there someone receptive higher up the food chain at your school (principal, school psychologist, etc.). Maybe I'm sensitive as I live just up the road from the Prince tragedy, but.... I believe the culture of the school needs to be as such that each child is valued by authority figures, otherwise bullying is going to be a problem.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by hippymomma69

So my DD (no diagnosis but suspected APD and ADHD according to the dev. ped. - barely on the PDD-NOS spectrum according to the school district) has had this ongoing issue at her school (not enough support, a teacher who doesn't want her in the classroom, 4 boys who are bullying her, etc - she's in kindy so this is our first experience with the local school).

I don't understand this post. Are you in the processes of getting a dx? Does she have a dx but you don't like it?

It sounds like your DD needs accommodation and understanding that she isn't getting. Sometimes getting a dx and making peace with it and then using it makes other things, like talking to teachers, a lot easier.

If you DD has a dx of PDD-NOS, she is on the autism spectrum and should have either a 504 or IEP in place. There are proactive things you can do.

[hippymomma69]

Originally Posted by julianito

Likewise, the kids in your daughter's class who are bullying may be getting the message its OK, or that your daughter is a problem, from the teacher.

Bingo! That's exactly the dynamic...luckily there is a guy in the district office who is trying to help us find a better spot for her....the principal is useless (though a very nice guy).

Thanks everyone for your empathy. It's great to talk with folks who get it!!

Linda on the move - my DD is not in the process of getting a DX. We already went through all the hoops when she was 3. The school district determined that she had a language delay which is all she needs here to get a full batter of services. She has an IEP in place. They just mentioned in their report that something like "shows characteristics of PDD-NOS but would need further testing by experts" or something like that. The expert (developmental ped) we saw said she was "at risk" for a bunch of stuff but basically said she had severe APD, was "at risk" for ADHD and had some motor planning weaknesses. She did not report her to be on the spectrum.

But then our area is one of the huge outbreak areas so maybe compared to other kids here she is so high-functioning that folks here are reluctant to label her on the spectrum where if she was an area where it was more rare she'd get that label.


thanks again everyone for your thoughts and sharing your experiences - it's spring break week so at least we all get a break from the drama of school....!

[hippymomma69]

Originally Posted by LauraLoo

Mama -- You need to read this:

http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/nurtu...ing-badly.aspx

There is such a huge emphasis on conformity and blind obedience in our society because it makes things easier for teachers & caretakers in the short run. I've had a teacher point blank tell me that my ds needed to conform. Thank goodness that I didn't try to crush his spirit. In the long run, what may have been a "problem" for that teacher will be a very huge strength for my ds. Don't let these people crush your spirit, either! Your dd is very lucky to have you as a mama.

Hey thanks for this article! I just sent it to everyone I know LOL

[slsurface]

Yes, I feel you. My 3.5 year old DS is the same way - extremely headstrong! He never backs down once he's made up his mind.

We have similar problems with his primary preschool teacher. She see's his determination as something that needs to be corrected and wants to "break" him. I get tired of trying to explain to her that she needs to approach DS's behavior differently and that most of the "problems" arise from her picking stupid battles - such as not letting hold a small figit toy during circle time. She sees this as "special exceptions", rather than necessary accomodations for a child with SPD. Thankfully the assistant teachers are much better about this. But it is still irritating that DS is labeled the "problem" kid in class.

DH and I have developed strategies, much like you, to negotiate with him effectively. I think that DS is always going to have a difficult time with people of authority, such as teachers, but I know that he will grow into a very strong and capable young man.

[anj_rn]

My DS is not on the spectrum, but is very headstrong, and you have to know how to negotiate. He will also push his boundaries as far as you will let him. His usual Montessouri school teacher is out on medical leave, so after 2 weeks (although he only goes 2 days a week), her replacement commented that DS was peeing on the bathroom floor instead of in the potty. I asked him why, he said he did not know. I explained that all his peepees at school needed to go in the potty (not the floor, outside, etc) that ws the rule for school. The problem stopped. So now I am wondering if the sub ever told him not to pee on the floor.