BEGGING for help with my son. - Page 3

[madskye]

I'm the one who loves Ten Days to a Less Defiant Child. It sounds kind of gimmicky, but it has a lot of great, practical advice for when you get in that negative cycle with one of your children. Advice for YOU on how to handle things--and the nicest part about the book is that the author really focuses on the goal being maintaining your connection with that child. One of the things he advises is to really pay attention to what your child does all day long. Because most likely there are good moments mixed in with the bad--but we focus on the bad and forget the good all too easily.

As far as counseling or evaluations--could you/would you start with your school? It might even be interesting to get his teachers take on his behavior. Does he save his negativity for his family, or is it influencing his interactions at school too? Does he have problems getting along with the other kids, or not so much?

When I read your post, it really sounded to me like it was really about your problems in dealing with his behavior--not that his behavior is really that severe. (Maybe it is serious--but I just read more that this particular negativity really pushes your buttons)

I don't know if this is too babyish, but my DD and I do 3 things we are grateful for every night before we go to bed. I am SHOCKED at what she is grateful for half the time, and it tickles me, because it's shown me that she actually appreciates a lot of the little things that I do for her every day. It's really changed the way I think of her and all the things I do for her. One thing that's nice about this, too, is that it's an opportunity for her to say good things. No room for complaints during 3 Good Things.

[Tracy]

You have gotten a lot of great responses.

I would also recommend Homeopathy. I realize you are in a rural area but if you have to take a long drive to go to homeopath...it can be worth it.

I also think you might like the parent coach cards---they have been very helpful for us.

http://www.parentcoachcards.com/



Not that you want to go down this road...but astrologer in the house, the 2001 birthdates have a lot of bumps in them. Not all of them of course, but a lot have some bumpy stuff (ocd, addhd,e etc) The summer births in particular---that's the year that brought us 9/11 ('nuff said).

good luck and you sound like a tired mom but a loving one. :

[ABCDE Family]

mama. My Ds is somewhat the same way. He is 12 and ADHD, a touch of depression/anxiety issues. We started the Natural/Organic approach to life. Cut all processed foods, artificial colors/flavors. Cut back on dairy/gluten. No high Fructose corn syrup and added Omega 3's to his diet. We did see a BIG improvement after a few months. I think some of the artificial stuff altered his chemical's in his brain. It may not help for everyone, but it looks like you got ALOT of good advice So hang in there and good luck

[hillymum]

My eldest was exactly the same! He has since been diagnosed with ADHD but I suspect thats not exactly and am working on getting someone to concider Aspergers and Prada Willi Syndrome.
Though he doesn't complain quite so much he still does. my usual response is "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "umhum?" I throw the odd "So what are you going to do about it?" in for variety. I worked out he isn' t asking me for a solution, he's just suffering verbal diarhea.
When it gets to be too much for me I will say something along the lines of "I'm glad you feel you can open up to me but can you tell me 3 good things that happened to you today?"

We also bought a great book which I highly recommend.

What to do when you grumble too much.

[choochootrain]

s

DD (almost 8) is this way--very negative; but she is also very empathetic when she is not in her negative states. I find it very difficult to be around her, exactly for the same reasons--so much negativity and complaining.

Last month I resolved to do something about MYSELF first. I was reacting to her with so much frustration and anger because deep inside i just wanted her to be happy. Also, deep inside, I felt like I failed her. Like you I have two other children who are mellow and i have a great relationship with them...

I believe it is her personality, more than anything, with some underflying anxiety. But even as an infant she was high needs--when she wasn't in a sling. Therefore she was attached to me 24/7--she was easy going then

The last weeks have been much much better. It all started with me and my decision just to start relating to her in a more empathetic way. I had several false starts--I'd be "good" for a day or two, and then I would feel the old nag of frustration and anger. But i decided to forgive myself and move forward. I was also open to her about my feelings and how I forgive myself and do a "do over". I was honest about my struggles with my feelings as well.

Then before I knew it, it has been a week or more and I didn't feel the old nag of frustration. I feel SO MUCH better. and her behaviour has responded accordingly. She is coping so much better. THis is her best, in the last year or so. I've been introducing coping strategies for a couple of years now, and I see now she is doing better. Finally!! Her own frustration times are shorter; she doesn't dwell on things that much (still long compared to my other children, but for her, it is a huge step forward).

It was very, very hard to get out of this viciuous circle of negativity.

One thing that helped me was one message i got from scott noelle parenting mailing list. There was a suggestion to make two jars and decorate them. Then on small pieces of paper write your child's negative characteristics, and on the other--the positives. Then at random times during the day to come to the jars and make a choice, which one to read? Of course I'd be easily choosing the positive jar! Why would I want to focus on her negatives?

I made sure that i was choosing the positives throughout the day, as I was interacting with her. An easy choice, actually, when I'm not so negative myself!

Disclaimer--I never made the actual jars, but I visualised the whole process

[Fuamami]

You've gotten some great advice, and now you have a lot to try!

I was also pretty negative, but my whole family was. They were very critical of others, and it was, in fact, a method of bonding. I sought that out in my dh, and we've had a very hard time getting over it. I had a very, very hard time even figuring it out, actually, but one night we were going on a date and got in a huge fight right after we dropped off the kids at the sitter's because he was late. So we were driving along in angry silence, and finally he makes a rude comment about someone on the street as a way to bridge the gap between us. Yuck!

Anyway, I don't know if you or your dh are critical of others. It might be worth considering. I love Becky Bailey's book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" because of how she approaches that subject. The revolutionary idea that no one needs to be special is pretty contrary to the normal American ideal, and is really lovely and freeing.

As far as dealing with his negativity in the moment, have you tried really distancing yourself from it? Not from him, but from the intense emotions of the minute. My youngest has a HUGE temper, and has tantrums and fits like nothing I've ever seen. Sometimes I try to imagine myself as a researcher taking notes on a wild animal or something, and I can adopt a very calm, detached tone and just deal with him that way.

I hate to say this, but I will because I have been in your position of having a really, really hard time liking my child. Even though we tell them we love them and always will, I think they notice when we don't like them, and they take it to heart. They really do. Our words cannot cancel out our actions and our facial expressions and our sighs of disgust, not completely. So I appreciate you putting it out there and I'm going to follow this thread for ideas.