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I am lost. (updated)

post #1 of 93
Thread Starter 
I haven't posted in here in a very very long time. I recieved a happy birthday notice today and wanted to come and see if this board had a active grief section. 29 days ago, my 18 month old daughter died. I'd like to share my story, and maybe connect with some moms that have been in my position.

I am copying and pasting a note from my facebook.
March 10th, a horrible day that I will never forget.
My name Is Jennifer..
We are an army family and my husband had been deployed for 8 months. He was going to come home for RnR in 2 weeks. He hadn't seen his kids in 8 months. We were so excited. I couldn't believe that month was here, it was time.

Megan, was sick a lot, so sick since November 09. I took her to the doctors a lot. She always had fevers, she always had green snot. She was the happiest baby I had ever known. I know it sounds awful but I used to tell myself that she is so perfect maybe she isnt meant to be here long and then I would allow myself that extra time with her. To not get grumpy and not let her cry it out and things like that. I always had the fear that I would find her not breathing. All parents have that fear but it lets up after a few months, it never ever ever let up for me. I never had that fear like I did with my oldest daughter. I breastfed my daughter up until the day she died, I coslept her with until the day she died. She was 18 months old.

The beginning of March she was very sick, very hot. I coudln't get her fever down. Ikept calling the on call doctor and was just sittting on the couch with her laying on me. She had what i assumed was a febrile seizure.
It freaked me out, I took her into the doctor. There they worried about her temp, and her pulse rate was really high. They never checked her ears. They did do xrays but they said she was fine and they sent us home. I just wasn't comfortable with that so a few hours later i called the doctor and had us seen. She had a double ear infection, the er doctors (2 of them) both wrote that her ears were fine even though they never bothered to check them. It was late late so it didn't dawn on me till we had gone home at 4am that they never did. Her lungs didnt' sound bad but her oxygen level was a little low but not worrisome. They sent us home. On the way home the doctor from the hosptial called said she had possible pneumonia but that the antobotics that the doctor had prescribed for the ear infections would be fine. It was just amoxicillin and this kid had been on that 3 times since november so I was like no. Called our doctor again and he gave us a much stonger antibotic.
After 2 doses of this medicine she no longer had a runny nose. I hadn't seen her without a runny nose since october. She seemed like she felt great. It was great.

She got the runs and i just assumed it was from the antibotic. A week later she seemed fine but she still had the weird bm and she kept grabbing at her ear/head and she seemed clumsy. A friend was over and said the same thing, said oh maybe she still has the ear infection. It wasnt just me seeing this. She had a well baby appt scheduled on the 9th of march so since it was sunday when we were talking about it we figured we'd just wait till the 9th, just one day. Went in and he wasn't concerned, she seemed fine and she did seem fine. Happy as can be. Thats the thing, she never seemed that sick because she was literally always happy, i mean shed get cranky and everything but she would literally bounce back like nothing.

I've always thought something was wrong with her and just didnt' know what. That monday night, 2 days before her death, i had a horrible dream about her. She was so sick and the doctors were yelling at me saying ti was all my fault. She died that wednesday. That dream shook me up so much. Then that happened, i mean really. I used to lick her because i read that cystic fybrosis kids skin tastes salty. I've always thought something more was wrong but she seemed so fine. Her breathing was always so loud and she snored and she was so perfect.

That wednesday morning was the best. She was feverish and not feeling that great wanting mommy. We played and we had a bath together. She had just learned a song and copied the movements and it was so great. She told me i love you after i said it. She was becoming this little parrot and said everything you did. My oldest is in kindergarten and today happened to the day she got to go to school till 1pm. at around 11 i decided she needed a nap because i had things i needed to do. Had to get ready for dad to come home.

I nursed her and held her for a little bit and then i moved her to our bed. She woke and cried so i nursed for a few more minutes but i didnt want to stay. I had things to do. I got up and I said you go night night and i walked out.
She cried for like 2 seconds and was out.
If I had just held her for a nap, woudl things be different? I don't know? If id gone in to check on her when I felt like i should but i didnt want to wake her, would that have helped, I don't know. I hate the freaking what ifs. I hate them.
at around 1230 is i decided it was time for her to wake up. I walked in and her head was in the bed, she often slept like that. She looked peaceful. I turned the light on and talked to her but she didnt wake up. I started putting my laundry away and kept talking but still didnt wake up. I sat down on the floor and started putting her clothes away and kind of bounced the bed. Looked at her chest and said is she moving and then told myself TO STOP BEING SO PARANOID.
Seriously.
But it grabbed hold and i grabbed her hand from under her and it had purple tint to it and i knew.
I grabbed her and she was still so warm. She made all these crackly noises but she had all these purple marks on her and I just knew. But I had to go through the motions. I called 911 and I started cpr on my 18 month old daughter. And I knew.
It seemed like forever till they were here and then when they came I called my brother in law and he called the rest of family. They all came.
We all had a chance to hold her but dad. I held her till she was cold. I smelled her and kissed her head so many times. God i loved her so much. It took the army 2 days to get Dad home to us.
I still can't beleive shes gone. That its been 29 days since I held her, kissed her, laughed with her. The pain is so unbearable at times. I thank god for my husband and daughter and my family but i still want my baby girl back. I feel so awfu because you should never wish this on somebody else but i can easily pick out a stranger and say why not them. Why me? Why her? Why 2 freaking weeks before dad was supposed to come home?
Nobody knows what to say to you, there is nothing you can say. You can't bring her back so all you can do is let me talk about her, let me remember, let me cry. Megan Olivia McPhee will always be in our hearts. 9-2-08 to 3-10-10

***
My heart is so heavy and the what ifs will not let go. I just filed a VAERS report. The day before, she had her 4th dpat shot. I had gotten all of her shots on time but something told me after her 6 months shot that I needed to start delaying her shots. At 2, 4, 6 months she would cry and cry and cry and cry after her shots. She was miserable. It wasn't unlike my oldest daughter but it seemed like it lasted longer with her. I decided to delay her 12 month shots and the difference was night and day. She did recieve flu shots, simply because she was sick all the time. Nobody believes me how often this kid was sick but she was still so happy.

When she was born she breathing issues, seh eventually was diagnosed with largynomalacia. They sent us to a specialized doctor who looked at her said you know what shell grow out of and sent us on our way.

Her initial autopsy results stated that she had cloudy fluid around her heart and her brain was sliglhty enlarged. I do not think that she should have been given a shot after only being 8-9 days out of pneumonia sickness.

I hate that I've always had this fear that i would find her like that, i hate that it actually happened. I want the autopsy results to find like a congenital problem or something for my peace of mind, because why would i have worried so much. Its not like shes my first kid, all parents worry but it lets up, it never ever let up for me. I was always scared to death and would have to poke her or pick her up and make sure she was breathing. I had done it 3 days prior after she hadnt woken up when I got up. Then the dream, the its my fault, god i just hate it all. I dont know where to turn, i have a lot of support but nobody knows how you are feeling unless they've walked in your shoes. I just feel so lost. I could use words of encouragemnet. I'm sorry for this to be my first post back on this board.
post #2 of 93
I am so sorry.
post #3 of 93
I have no words, but I couldn't not post after reading. I am so, so incredibly sorry for your loss. I hope your husband was able to stay and not go back. Hugs and thoughts, and (if you would like - prayers).

Julie
post #4 of 93
Thread Starter 
Thank you both for responding. Yes, since he only had 4 months left they had no issues letting him out of the remainder of this deployment. It was his second. I'm so glad to have him home, he gives me strength and pushes me forward where if alone i'd probably sit in a corner and cry and cry and cry.
post #5 of 93
I am SO glad that he is there and not away again. This is a time you both really need each other. I really wish I had wise words to offer you to help or ease the pain some.
post #6 of 93
I am so sorry

post #7 of 93
I am so sorry for your loss, momma.
post #8 of 93
I'm sorry for your loss, Mama. Megan sounds like such a sweet beautiful little girl.
post #9 of 93
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
post #10 of 93
I'm so sorry, mama.
post #11 of 93
I am so sorry mama
post #12 of 93
I am so sorry
post #13 of 93
Oh, mama. I am so, so sorry.
post #14 of 93
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can kind some healing and peace with time. Please know that you can always come here and write about your sweet Megan, and ask for a shoulder to lean on.
post #15 of 93
I'm so sorry
post #16 of 93
sorry for your sad loss
post #17 of 93
Im crying with you right now, mama. I had to come back three times to read your post. Each time I would get to a certain point and couldnt go any further.

She was/is your angel.
post #18 of 93
oh mama. your love for your little girl is eternal. megan.
post #19 of 93
Megan
post #20 of 93
Oh Jennifer,

This is an awful thing for you to go through. Post all you want, people here are very kind and supportive. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
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