Need help being a better Mum

[Learning_Mum]

I am totally failing at this right now.

I'm a single SAHM to two under five. The oldest attends kindy (preschool) five mornings a week. He loves it. No issues there.

The problem is me. Over the last seven months since my husband left, things have gone steadily downhill. It is now to the point where I am a grumpy, horrible mother.

Their diet is shocking and they seem to live off sandwiches and thin air. I have become slack with bath time and that has tapered off to every second day. The oldest is desperate for some time with me. He stays up late to spend time with me, but I become frustrated with him because I am an introvert and the evenings after bedtime is when I would have had time to myself to recharge. I am constantly busy trying to keep on top of the housework, washing, cleaning, tidying. The kids really get little attention from me.

We have no schedule. Food is given when they're hungry and bedtime is when they're tired. I have no energy and a short fuse.

I need help bringing things back to normal. The crazy thing is, I don't remember what normal is!

So tell me, what do kids need? I think they would thrive on more structure and routine. I want to get into a traditional home life, the way I was brought up and my parents were brought up. When life was more structured and things got done.

Help! I hope some of this has made sense. It's late, I'm tired but can't sleep and my brain is a big muddled mess right now!

Please tell me about your routine. The basics. What time do your kids eat? When do you brush their teeth in the morning? Do normal people do a quick wipe down of the kids before you leave the house for the day? Wash hands and faces and that kind of thing?

Argh! I wish my brain wasn't so fired right now so I could get out what I'm trying to say!

If you can see where I'm going I'd love some responses. I may come back tomorrow morning and see if I can write this more clearly!

Thanks. I'm desperate to sort this out but I need suggestions and examples to go by.

[BarnMomma]

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.

I do think a routine would help quite a bit. The thing with kids is that you need to keep it up. Change one thing once and they remember and it becomes the new constant. (Mine is like that anyway)

So for us :
5:30- wake up
5:30-6:30 play, make coffee or tea, hang out
7:00 take showers every day, no exceptions
-after shower, brush hair, teeth, lotion, clothes...no playing until we're dressed
8:00 breakfast

the rest of our morning is flexible- we take classes, play, do errands, whatever

11:45ish LUNCH- I make sure we are home to eat or will be somewhere where DS can obatin a healthy lunch OR I know we will not be near a healthy lunch option so I pack a cooler

afternoon is flexible

2:30 ish DS winds down and watches a movie and usually dozes off for a nap

when he wakes up we have a flexible play time/errand time- always outdoor time at some point during the day I should note- we like to spend at least 2+ hours a day outside

home at 5:00 to begin cooking dinner- DS plays or helps cook

5:30 hubby gets home and we all eat dinner

I rest on my own (pregnant) for a while as they play

7:30 upstairs- usually DS wants to take a bath, but if not we don't mind unless he got really filthy outside that day or something...DS makes the call usually

8:00 in bed, read a few books, lights out



I leave enough time during the day for us to have fun and be spontaneous but that time is scheduled in if that makes sense. But our AM routine and lunch and dinner and bedtime routine are pretty set.

And I must say DS thrives with a routine. He's such an agreeable little guy becasue he's always fed, clean, entertained, and not tired.

I will also stress that outdoor time is crucial for both YOU and your children!

Also, DS is not the type to just keep himself busy day after day with the same toys. He needs projects and things to do. So we're very busy doing one thing and another...on the days when I get lazy and he's left to just mess around with his toys all day, he's very crabby.

[staceychev]

I'm not going to address the routine aspect, because I'm not great at it (I'm a WOHM at home on a 6-month maternity leave). But, I do want to point out that what you described might be because of depression. You've gone through a lot in the last year, and it's natural to be all out of sorts. Is it possible for you to seek some therapy for yourself?

I also wonder if you have anyone who can watch your kids once a week so you can have some time to yourself. Go sit in a coffee shop and read, or go to a movie. Anything. I totally understand--I'm an introvert with a newborn and 4-1/2 year old extrovert, and some days I just want to yell "Leave me alone!"

Oh, and about the bath thing: don't worry about that! DD1 gets bathed less than that, and I've read threads on here where other kids bathe even less!

[journeymom]

Learning Mum you are obviously depressed. You need to prioritize yourself. Not even just because your kids need you. Just because you deserve it.

Yes, a routine will help all of you tremendously.

Their diet is shocking and they seem to live off sandwiches and thin air.

Well, if those sandwiches are nutritious then I see no problem. What do you put in those sandwiches? What are they drinking? Lots of water, maybe some milk? Or sugary drinks and sodas?

What are YOU eating?

Get healthy foods you know you like to eat into the house. Fruit and veggies that need a minimum of preparation. I know peanut butter isn't near as popular in the rest of the world as it is in the US but some reasonably healthy protein like that is easy for your 5 y.o. to get for himself.

I am constantly busy trying to keep on top of the housework, washing, cleaning, tidying. The kids really get little attention from me.

This is where a schedule can be very helpful. Do you need to adjust expectations? The house doesn't need to be clean or tidy all the time. You need balance: clean and tidy enough to be bearable, without leaving you exhausted.

This is what I did, I picked a couple days a week, put on a dvd and spent 20 minutes cleaning. That's it. Don't clean beyond messes during the rest of the week.

Same with laundry: Tuesday and Thursday morning (pick 9:00am, for example) I did a couple loads, folded and put away. Whatever didnt get done, didn't get done. That's OK.

Tidying: you do it a little throughout the day. And then a tidying before bed, for 10 minutes. Then just drop it.

Take a look around the house and see if you've got too much STUFF. Less STUFF is less work caring for it for you.

I didn't bathe my kids every day when they were that age. Well, I did when the first child was a toddler because that's what I learned you're supposed to do. But I finally noticed that it seemed to rev her up just before bed, and she didn't seem to need it anyway. So I dropped the daily bath. There after I bathed them when they got dirty or for something fun to do even in the middle of the day. They might go 4 or 5 days sometimes, especially when we got busy.

Teeth brushing: I aimed for twice a day with the priority on the before-bed brushing.

Yes, I tried to wipe down the toddler before we went out the door, and I'd hand the older one a washcloth and she'd wipe her own face.

Check out www.flylady.com. I know a lot of moms here appreciate the schedule she provides.

[journeymom]

I just wanted to add that if you're anything like me you probably think making a schedule is pretty daunting.

So I suggest you sit down with a blank day's agenda page, broken down by hours, and fill in everything that's already going on in your life. For example, I bet your 5 y.o.'s daily preschool fills in a big block of time. 8 to noon? 8 to 2pm?

From there you can decide how to fill in those blocks of time.

Check out the Google Calendar. It's free. It tabs between day, week and month. www.google.com/calendar

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by BarnMomma

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.

And I must say DS thrives with a routine. He's such an agreeable little guy becasue he's always fed, clean, entertained, and not tired.

Maybe that's the reason. Maybe not.


Our day is much more flexible. The kids have breakfast and lunch when they're hungry (or around 6:30 on school mornings.) We eat dinner between 5:00 and 6:00. Snacks are scattered throughout the day.

My kids take baths every 2-4 days as needed. I never have them wash their faces before school unless it's needed. Hands get washed after they use the bathroom. Many days they don't go to the bathroom until they get to school so it's done there. Teeth are brushed after breakfast and before bed. Most days.

My FD goes to bed around 6:30 because she stopped napping most days (she just turned three.) If she naps, bedtime is closer to 8:00. My five-year-old goes to sleep around 8:00/8:30.