Need specific tools for handling 3yo being mean to sister

[mommytoavery]

Okay, I took everyone's advice and ordered the book, Playful Parenting. I also have checked out thru interlibrary loan many of the books on the resource list. I just have to wait for them all to get here.

So between now and when I can get everything read, I need some specific tools to use when my 3.5 dd is mean to her 11-month old sister. So for instance this is what has already happened this morning:

1. She didn't want her sister to get her stuffed parrot so as she was walking by so she could get to it first, she pushed her knee into her sister's head. I talked to her and in a very calm but firm voice told her that she should never hurt another person. That hurting is never acceptable. I also asked her what would have been a better way to handle it and she told me she should have told me that she would not like her sister to play with her parrot.

2. One hour later, she took her finger and pushed her sister in the cheek with it because she didn't want her sister to come on her little couch. This time I asked her to sit on the couch for a few minutes and then we talked again about how she should never hurt her sister.

So what can I do. This happens all the time throughout the entire day. A part of me is thinking that this is normal like maybe she lacks impulse control but then I start to worry that she is being malicious and that I need to get her more professional help. Is it at all normal for 3.5 year olds to hurt other children in these situations? Any advice would be great.

[amandaleigh37]

I don't have advice but I'm in the same spot. I have a 3.5 yo and a 9 month old, and my older son does the same things. He has always been a kind, peaceful kid. I've never seen him do anything harmful to anyone else until now, he doesn't want his brother coming near something he has, so he pushes him away.. I feel like I repeat the same things all day long about touching gently, asking me to help or move his brother away from him, etc... it is really wearing on me So I sympathize.

[ssh]

It's very normal behavior. 3 year olds will also start hitting, pushing, etc. their friends when they're stressed (hungry, tired, tired of sharing). I don't have a lot of advice because my DDs are so far apart in age, 20 years, it's like having only children.

[love being a Mom]

Originally Posted by ssh

It's very normal behavior. 3 year olds will also start hitting, pushing, etc. their friends when they're stressed (hungry, tired, tired of sharing).

- Although I am interested in other reply's because I will be in your shoes in ~7 mos, and even with a baby who's not mobile yet I feel as though I am still always curbing DD#1 from 'patting' her crying sister (DD's euphamism for hitting ) <--like that's going to stop it!

I wonder if it is also now that your younger DD is more mobile there is less that DD feels is *hers* kwim? It probably feels to #1 like #2 is getting into more and more of 'her' stuff, and being the baby, the rules don't always slide the same way ("She doesn't understand - she's still learning how to share/be gentle etc..."). It's a tough age - good luck, and good thread.

It sounds like you are already doing this - but maybe focusing less on what DD#1 'shouldn't' be doing and more on "If you want lil sis to get off the little couch then you can use words... What words do you think you could use?" Wait for answer, then maybe add in if this is a shared couch - which I am assuming it is, what Little sis might DO, like "Lil Sis might get down, or maybe she wants a turn sitting beside you, do you think you might need to wait to have your solo turn on the couch?" Etc...

I am still trying to learn at sorting these ones out - esp hard with a verbal 2 year old and a non-verbal baby (my situation).

[pianojazzgirl]

My kids are 5.5 and 2.5 and we're still working on this. I have been drilling into dd's head that if she has any problem with ds (he wants something she has, she wants something he has, he's in her space, etc) she can "use nice words or ask for help from mommy". And I constantly feed her the "nice words" to use. It does work. But...

Even when the older sibling has gotten a lot better about not hitting/pushing, etc they lose whatever impulse control they had if they are hungry, tired, or cranky for whatever other reason. So I find it makes my life way better if I stay on top of all of those factors (making sure dd gets a snack AS SOON as she walks in the door from school, starting the bedtime routine early enough, keeping ds away from dd if I know she's upset or sick, etc).

[Tjej]

It's normal.

One thing that can really help is you being on the floor right there with them for a couple of days. Get to know the triggers. Catch them BEFORE the offense. Supply the "right" behavior and then have the child act it out too, even though the moment already passed.

My DD is 4 now and DS is 2. Sometimes it is a frequent problem and sometimes they get along smashingly well. Helping the older child have space to themself (they can play up at a table on a chair) helps when the toddler is still too small to climb up there.

I also use a lot of "the baby is learning X" talk, and having my older child help "teach" my younger child the right way to ask or what to do.

My kids are pretty good about coming to me about conflicts - that is what I want them to do if they can't work it out themselves. I remind them to "come get Mama" and I'll help. Then I do go and help them work it out. I try really hard to be fair about it.

Also, I suppose a lot of people on here don't use playpens, but this is a GREAT example of how they can be really useful. Both kids can play safely and not bother eachother for a while and you don't have to police them.

Tjej

[Goddess's mom]

Originally Posted by Tjej

Also, I suppose a lot of people on here don't use playpens, but this is a GREAT example of how they can be really useful. Both kids can play safely and not bother eachother for a while and you don't have to police them.

Tjej

I used a playpen but for the older kids. If they were doing something that they didn't want to baby to get into they went into the playpen while the baby could continue exploring their world.

I have also found that talking to children about why we don't hurt other people is useful but most children don't internalize proper behavoir unless it taught externally. Children know that biting, kicking, hitting, etc. hurts. That is why they do it. I have found that for the kids I look after, mine included a "penalty box" for mean behavior worked well. After you have had the talk a couple of times stop. When the child does something hurtful take them, without speaking to the penalty box (comfy chair, corner of the couch, whatever) and set a timer for 5 minutes (for instance.) When the timer dings you can have a chat about better choices but chances are you have had that talk enough times already. Do this EVERY time. Some days it will seem like half their day is spent in the penalty box but that won't last long.

This has worked for me for physical and verbal meanness in the past. It doesn't take long for kids to figure out that meanness is completely unacceptable and physical violence is never OK.

Good luck every one! This is one of those "normal, but not Ok" things that almost every kid goes through.

[Tjej]

Ah, a "penalty box". We have something like that. A bench the child goes to and sits/calms down/waits while I help the hurt one. Then we briefly talk about or act out the proper behavior afterwards. It works well with my DD (4yo) and while it does work to calm down my DS (2yo), he will just say whatever he knows I want to hear to get out of there, but goes right back to repeat the offense half the time, so it isn't as truly effective with him.

Tjej