I am overwhelmed by toddlerhood

[ZoshaMosha]

or maybe I should say I am overwhelmed by babyhood, since I was hoping DS would be a little less needy by now, but it's not happening...

He is turning 2 in a couple weeks, but he is still as needy as an infant. I don't remember my now 4.5 yo DD as being this way. By this age, she STTN and was totally nightweaned. My DS on the other hand, still wakes at least 3 times to nurse (we co-sleep). I should also say that he wants to nurse every half hour during the day. He grabs at my skin and my shirt all the time, I have claw marks.

I can't eat a single meal at home or at a restaurant because he HAS to nurse at meal time. He is almost 2 and has been eating solid foods for a year and a half! Nevertheless, he has it ingrained that meal time is nursing time.

He needs to be held constantly. He is 30 lbs. He will not let me put him in the Ergo. He throws terrible tantrums to get out.

I am seeing a dr. today because I have joint damage to my knee and hip from carrying him around all day and I believe the pain has even sparked Fibromyalgia or something because now every single muscle in my body ACHES! The carrying him around is literally putting me over the edge.

He just cries and cries sometimes and I don't know what to do about it. I don't think he is sick, because much of the time he is very happy and upbeat. But when he's not getting enough attention, he really goes ballistic.

My DD is very, very bright and was on the way to reading when she was 3, but I can't read to her anymore because DS hates it. Really, he screams his head off and yanks the books out of my hands and throws them. Now, DD doesn't like reading anymore (nor do I, the whole experience is really ruined).

I just threw a tantrum myself because DS screamed his head off for the past hour because I wouldn't let him nurse again (he just nursed) and my nipples are going to fall off and my back is ready to collapse on itself.

He isn't always a nightmare, he's very often playful and funny and cooperative, but I just thought he would be out of this oh-so-needy phase, and it doesn't look like it's letting up any time soon.

On top of that, DH works unpredictable and long hours, so really no help from him.

What do I do, wise mamas.

[bluejaunte]

Have you looked into food allergies/intolerances? Mine's 28 months & has always been super needy, clingy, irritable, meltdowns over nothing, terrified of strangers, and a big nurser. He's got some mystery medical issues so I had a bunch of bloodtests run .. including a food allergy panel, which turned up a bunch. Eliminated them and he's like a different kid. He had a little bit of allergen food last weekend and he's still working it out of his system. The difference in him between this week (with those things in him) and last week (without) is insane.

EDIT: I never considered allergies seriously because he's never had a histamine reaction to anything -- no hives, swelling, vomiting, etc. His issues are mostly behavioral.

[Marnica]

I want to second PP's suggestions to look into food allergies/intolerances. The fact that your DS is sometimes delightful and sometimes a nightmare indicates it is not just hsi personality or a phase.

There are many ways to uncover food sensitivities. I suggest heading over to the allergy forum. Many very very smart educated mamas over there. Good luck!

[waiting2bemommy]

Honestly? I think you should set some boundaries with your ds, grit your teeth through the unpleasant phase while he adjusts, and then you will be able to relax and enjoy your whole family again. If he eats solid food, then he probably doesn't need to nurse every half and hour. He would probably be ok with nursing maybe three times a day.

Our family counselor gave us this advice: make a list of all the behaviors/issues that you want to change, and then devise a plan for GENTLY making those changes, one at a time. It wouldn't be fair to the child to do it all overnight, but it also is not fair to the rest of the family if one person's demands are overshadowing everyone else's in a way that makes people unhappy. It sounds like your issues are: day nursing, night nursing (I count those as two separate things because you really can't cahnge both at the same time imo), the need to be held constantly, time with your older dd. So maybe you could talk to your ds about whichever change you are going to do first.

Like with my ds he was back to demanding that I pat his back to go to sleep, which sounds totally reasonable, except that with me in the room it was taking 2 hours for him to settle down. So I explained to him (not AT bedtime) that from now on we would have a new bedtime routine. I told him what it would be (we will read 3 stories, sing our songs, do our dance and then you can choose a blanket for mommy to tuck you in with and then I will go out), why we were doing it (mommy needs to clean up and do her work in the house while you are sleeping so that we can have fun when you are awake), and when it would start (tonight I will pat your back but after you spend the night at Grandma's when you come back we are going to start going to sleep like a big boy).

He still didn't like it and protests from time to time, but he now goes to sleep within 10 minutes and without a lot of drama. It really did work.

At 2 years old he can understand if you say "my back hurts, I can't pick you up." Teach him that the times you guys can cuddle are when he's nursing or after dinner or whatever time you pick. It's not balanced or good anymore if you are holding him and meeting his needs to the point that you are in physical pain. hugs: that sounds really hard, I don't know if I helped at all, but I hope you are able to find a solution that works for all of you guys.

[ASusan]

I, too, thought food intolerance when I read your post. Your experiences are SO similar to mine, right down to the fact that he's really happy and great - when he isn't being needy! - and that your back hurts from carrying and nursing him. I had back surgery when DS was 15 mos old, so I did have a time when I could NOT pick him up. This really helped with the neediness - although he does still come up to me and say, "I need a hug," which really means, "Pick me up." (when he asked to be picked up and I could not, because of my back, I would kneel down and ask if he needed a hug.)

When he asks to be picked up, can you walk to the couch to hold him for a few minutes? That's what I had to do when my back hurt. He learned that when he wanted to be held, we would start heading over to the couch together. He soon learned that he didn't want to be held as much, because it no longer meant that he was going to get a free tour of the house.

When DS is reacting to a food, he gets clingy, whiny, wakes at night.

I also endorse some setting of boundaries, as waiting2bemommy suggests. I like her idea of deciding to change one thing at a time. For me, it was a semblance of night-weaning at 26 months. (although we had already cut back day nursing to 3 times a day). We don't nurse between bedtime and "morning" - which is arbitrarily 6am at the moment, but may become earlier as it gets light out earlier.

Her description of instituting the change is great - because there is a definite time when it will change. For us, night weaning happened after I was gone for 3 days to 2 funerals. Not that he no longer woke and asked to nurse at night, but when I got home from the trip, I told him that "nurses sleep at night." It took several nights (weeks) before he would go back to sleep without lots and lots of encouragement (or without fussing). Now he's not happy about it and gives a verbal protest, but he doesn't cry about it. Unless he's reacting to a food.

[smokeylo]

i'm in the same boat...

how do you request allergy panels if your kid has no signs?

[ZoshaMosha]

Thanks, mamas.

I will definitely take him to the ped next week to check out possible food intolerances.

Waiting2bemommy, I definitely try to set boundaries, and there are lots of times when I just let him cry. When I'm doing something, I won't necessarily just stop and drop everything to pick him up when he's in a needy phase. But as we all know, toddlers are very very good at getting their way.

If he wants to nurse, he will literally pull my boob out of my shirt. Or if he to be held, he will yank at my pants until he manages to pull them down!

I do think it's probably a food/allergy issue. Just tonight, he was laying in bed kicking and tossing.

Thanks so much.

[bluejaunte]

Smokeylo, if you're in the same boat your lo may well have signs. Behavioral issues, weird sleep, clinginess, random days of utter misery .. those are all signs. My son has always had mysterious medical issues (low ferritin serum, not much responsive to iron supplements, elevated liver panel) in conjunction with what seem on the surface to be solely behavioral allergy/intolerance symptoms which I never connected to allergies until I started suspecting celiac and requested an allergy panel to go with that test. His ped just wrote the scrip no questions asked. The thing with food allergies is they can manifest in the weirdest most disparate ways. I never really suspected them because he's never had a histamine reaction -- no swelling, hives, etc. Despite having (among other things) a fairly severe peanut allergy. I ordered the allergy panel mostly to rule things out! *facepalm*

[Boot]

I don't have experience with this but my friend was having the same issue re her lo wanting to nurse when she was eating. She really needed to hear that it was OK to draw the line there and that she deserved to eat her meal in peace. Yes, there will be tantrums but he will learn. I think the advise to pick one issue and draw a clear boundary there is a good one. Your kids need a healthy mum! I also think it's a good idea to check out allergies and anything else the ped might suggest.

On a practical note. Does he still have a high chair or booster you can strap him into during meals? Could you give him some exciting and difficult to eat food to distract him (pomegranate come to mind)? How about making him a delicious smoothie when he's clamouring to nurse? Just some ideas.

[littlebabydoll]

I'm skeptical of the whole food allergy band wagon. I am just wondering what in our environment could make so many of our children so sick and unable to tolerate food? I remember being a kid and could eat anything and felt great! It wasn't till I was 21 that I got IBS and I do think it was partly stress/psychological. Is it that we can't all just accept that toddlerhood is extremely difficult. Why do we need a scapegoat?

[buckeye_bebe]

You are OK mama, you are OK. I'm giving you an imaginary shoulder rub. That is the best I Can do for you, so I'll let everyone else give you advice.

[Bea]

Originally Posted by littlebabydoll

I'm skeptical of the whole food allergy band wagon. I am just wondering what in our environment could make so many of our children so sick and unable to tolerate food? I remember being a kid and could eat anything and felt great! It wasn't till I was 21 that I got IBS and I do think it was partly stress/psychological. Is it that we can't all just accept that toddlerhood is extremely difficult. Why do we need a scapegoat?

I agree with your premise. I've had the same thought myself.

BUT. We've never lived in an age with SO many pollutants and chemicals...from fire retardants in furniture to plastics leaked into food from packaging. Children are exposed to a cocktail of crap from conception and maybe all this junk interacts with normal allergic responses?

Statistically the volume of people with allergic reactions has sky rocketed in the past decade. Is a child allergic to milk? The pollutants in milk? Pollutants in the environment that have damaged the body's normal response to milk?

I come from a traditionally allergic family (asthma/ eczema) and am allergic to nothing until this year when I'm sneezing like nobody's business to what I assume is pollen. My husband with no personal or family history of allergy, his lips and tongue swell and his throat itches if he eats shrimp or pine nuts...all of a sudden at 30 odd years old.

Part of me doesn't think it's outwith the bounds of possibility to explore environmental causes for discomfort causing challenging behaviour in a toddler.

The other part of me wants to run home to Mama and demand they behave OR ELSE!!!

I don't know.

I do know my son broke out in hives where ever milk products touched his skin.