"Was it planned??" - Page 2

[laughymama]

I am blessed. No one in my family has EVER even come close to asking this question. They assume (rightly so) that we are adults who know how babies are made and if we wanted to prevent it from happening we know how to go about doing that. Thank goodness.

I would probably immediately say, "Really!?" because the question is totally rude. I like the response a PP said, "Does it matter?"

We get more of the, "So, are you going to have more?" questions but they've always been asked by family/friends and in a positive manner and never in a degrading or rude way. They see all babies as blessings. We're lucky.

Seriously...WHO says that to someone?

[JennTheMomma]

I've never gotten the question, but that's probably because we told people we were going to be TTCing, so they knew they were planned.

[mamakaikai]

That's was exactly my mother's response to this pregnancy. My answer to her was a stern: "Yes, mother, this is pregnancy is very much wanted and planned. And that was a very rude way to say congratulations." So basically I called her on it and told her straight faced that she was rude. She responded immediately by saying that she just wanted to know if she should be happy and if it was what we wanted. But really, what a rude thing to say and what a way to dampen the joyous occasion.

[xekomaya]

I got that question a few times. Even though our spacing is a perfect 2.5 years (by God's timing, not ours) people seem to think we're too young to have 2 kids (27!!!). Since it wasn't as much "planned" as we are just non-contracepting I always wanted to say "no we just kept trying until we got another one"

This question is right up there with health care providers asking if we were "trying" when you tell them you need to take certain precautions since you might be pregnant during some tests.

[TheDivineMrsM]

Originally Posted by miso_soup

Yeah, it's pretty rude, I'd agree. But in most cases, I don't it stems from any ill-will or malice - more, people just don't THINK before they speak, sometimes.

To be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable with anyone other than those whom I know asking me questions about my pregnancy. I mean, I'm not opposed to sharing at all - in the right circumstances - but when I do share, I want it to be on MY terms. I value my privacy, and I don't see why I have to become public property all of a sudden just because I happen to have a bun in the oven!

"Is it planned?" is in the same league as "when are you having a baby?" and "just relax, it'll happen." They're all a little irratating to hear, but generally not mean-spirited.

[limette]

I've never been asked this. Maybe people assume ours were planned (they are) because we waited 7 years before having kids.

[Angelorum]

My answer varied depending on who I was talking to. Some people I just was not comfortable telling. I once said, "That's a personal question!" and just left it at that. Same person I said that to asked me again a couple weeks later. I was dumbfounded the second time. Sometimes I just said, "It was in somebody's plan" (implying God). Sometimes I told the truth that we were totally shocked, and sometimes I flat out lied. In general, I definitely think it's a question that should not be asked.

[sarahdavida]

We received a questionaire from our son´s preschool here that had a variety of what I felt were personally invasive questions, including that one. We live in Lima, Peru and sometimes childcare is taken a little bit too far - all the preschools have in-house psychologists and it creates an odd environment of the preschool feeling empowered to direct parents in the raising of their own child and an arena where they feel that it´s perfectly o.k. to pry into the personal lives and histories of the family (so they might be able to find a supposed reason for every little beahavior quirk a child may have) - it is really ridiculous. Needless to say, we simply did not answer that question(and many others). It was frankly none of their _______ business.

DS is also attending another preschool this year - where they don´t get into all that foolishness.

[AmyKT]

Originally Posted by odenata

Any question regarding other people's fertility is rude. On the flip side of "was it planned?" is "why don't you two have any kids yet?" They are both rude, and possibly emotionally painful for someone to answer.

People really need more common sense.

Absolutely! As someone who had to go through fertility treatments to get pregnant, I am especially sensitive about asking childless couples their plans. So when I got the "was it planned?" question a few times during my first pg, I had to laugh. Oh, if you only knew how planned it was.

[claddaghmom]

I would only be offended or consider it rude if I could feel some sort of ill-will. Maybe that's just b/c I'm into talking about fertility, conception, pregnancy et al. People want to know about things and figure things out and I love being in that conversation.

I have had questions in the "was it planned" category that were very rude. I've said things like, "Of course! We use natural family planning. It's great because then the husband is involved instead of just a bystander." or another one I've used is "You can't plan a pregnancy. We did however, pray and hope and try...and God blessed us!"

Both shut the other person up pretty quickly.

[DeChRi]

I think it is rude, but usually find a reply that is equally uncomfortable. I was married, had DD1, divorced, then DD2 was a huge suprise with now DH2. Our upcoming DD3 was strageically planned out in every detail. Of course since DD2 was unplanned, people ask regularly if this one was planned. Depending on the person I usually go with something like "naw...we just planned on a few drinks, but this is where it seems to land us".....or if it is a total stranger (happened twice) I usually go with "heck no, I don't even know who this one's dad is"....of something equally as uncomfortable back. Granted, I am kind of a smart mouth by nature, but if someone wants to ask that, they are going to get a reply that fits the question. DH's buddy, after a few drinks at a function we were at, leans over and asks...."so was this one an ooops too?"...I was so pissed I whispered back "yeah...I am just hoping it is [DH]'s". The jaw drop there was well worth it.

[4Blessings]

When I was pregnant with #4 my MIL thought it was appropriate to ask this question. We were at a relative's baby shower. She waited until the room was silent and yelled it across the crowded room.

So embarrassing!


A few months later another relative was having a baby shower. MIL's sister asks the same question. She was discreet about it at least.


I do think it's a rather rude question.

[COgirl19]

Originally Posted by DeChRi

I think it is rude, but usually find a reply that is equally uncomfortable. I was married, had DD1, divorced, then DD2 was a huge suprise with now DH2. Our upcoming DD3 was strageically planned out in every detail. Of course since DD2 was unplanned, people ask regularly if this one was planned. Depending on the person I usually go with something like "naw...we just planned on a few drinks, but this is where it seems to land us".....or if it is a total stranger (happened twice) I usually go with "heck no, I don't even know who this one's dad is"....of something equally as uncomfortable back. Granted, I am kind of a smart mouth by nature, but if someone wants to ask that, they are going to get a reply that fits the question. DH's buddy, after a few drinks at a function we were at, leans over and asks...."so was this one an ooops too?"...I was so pissed I whispered back "yeah...I am just hoping it is [DH]'s". The jaw drop there was well worth it.

LOL LOL LOL!!!!!

[mntnmom]

If a friend is asking, I don't mind them getting personal and I answer questions like that honestly. BUt when people get *too* personal, I usually return the favor. With someone really obnoxious I would be tempted to say something like "no, the condom broke because we didn't use enough lube".

[YummyYumYumMama]

i LOVE some of the comebacks on here! i think next time someone asks me, i'm just going to bluntly say, "wow, do you REALLY want the details of my sex life? because that creeps me out a little." even if it's my mother-in-law. i think the question is so rude.

i got this question constantly with #1 (who, incidentally, was unplanned but very wanted). one friend asked, in front of my 6-year-old and 10-year-old cousins, if it was planned or if the condom broke or what. i was like...... excuuuuuse me? i did not have enough wit to react in any of the clever ways suggested here. another friend assumed that i only got married because i was pregnant and it was a surprise. not that there's anything wrong with that, but i got married in august of 06, and i got pregnant in march of 07, so i question this person's intelligence greatly. a lot of family members thought i was "too young." i was 24 when my daughter was born, but the way a lot of people acted you would think i was 14.

my in-laws sometimes ask nosy questions about whether or not we're going to have another one and when. and speaking of rudeness to TTC people, someone in the family said they were so happy we weren't going to have another baby any time soon, WHILE we were trying. i got pregnant about a year after we started TTC, and i was not feeling super awesome about approaching the year mark, so hearing someone act like it was a good idea that we weren't trying was just not cool. i'm dreading reactions this time because i know some people are going to be weird about it. bleh.

[countrygirl28]

I [I]just[I] got asked this question a couple of hours ago, and I was coming here to post a thread about this very topic! This is my first pregnancy, and the first time I've been asked this question. I kinda froze and responded that yes, it was planned, which is true. But, honestly, this question really annoyed me. I think it is incredibly personal! If I want to volunteer whether my pregnancy is planned, I will do so on my own terms. Hopefully next time I will have the presence of mind to ask if it really matters!

[neonalee]

Rude? Yes. Intentionally mean? Not usually, and I don't think it would bother me. I was actually expecting this question a lot and haven't heard it even once! I'm of "advanced maternal age" (whatever) and DP and I figure we'll marry one day, but it's not now. However, both of us being a little older we thought we'd see what happened... and this happened So, yes, I was expecting it, but haven't been asked this. In fact, I've been expecting a lot of weird comments/questions and haven't really gotten any! I should be glad, but when am I going to use all these great lines you ladies are giving me?!

I have been asked a couple of times if we were going to get married now, but it was really obvious that it was curiosity and not mean spirited, and since I was expecting that too I just said "nope!" with a smile. In fact, my best friend got more angry about it then I did!

[kittywitty]

I hate this. I have been asked this with every.single.pregnancy. Or if I say something about it being a surprise they say "well, of course it was" in this tone like what am I doing having children. That's priceless. Why would anyone *want* a child?

[Funny Face]

I think it's inappropriate to ask and I admit I'm sensitive to it since I've had 3 surprise pregnancies now, each time they were very obviously unplanned at difficult times in our lives and often times right after I'd been talking about how I couldn't imagine adding another child at that time.

The one planned pregnancy it didn't bother me a bit because I could say yes.

I shouldn't care what people think, but I guess it does bother me.

[baby-makes-3]

Originally Posted by DeChRi
I think it is rude, but usually find a reply that is equally uncomfortable. I was married, had DD1, divorced, then DD2 was a huge suprise with now DH2.

That reminds me of another incident. DH and I were both married before. We had been married 5 years before deciding to TTC. So we're at an event with people who knew DH before we were married. And now we're introducing DD to people and this friend says (referring to DD), "So is she his?" (pointing to my DH). I just looked at her and said, "We've been married SEVEN years." I really chalk that one up to truly not thinking before you speak.