is your child doing this?

[meemee]

wow mama's this is big for me.

its again another aspect of parenting that i have never given any thought to. took it for granted.

so last night dd looked at what i was doing - here on MDC and said - mama i dont like it when you talk about me. i dont want everyone to know what i am doing. it doesnt matter if they are good or bad.

woah!!!!

i am shocked!!!!

that was totally unexpected!!!!

so we sat and talked about it. i told her how much her stories are a part of my life and how i use her as an illustration to a point. so she told me 'i dont mind you writing a little bit once in a while, but i dont want people to know everything about me. '

are you facing any of this?

dd is 7 1/2

[Alyantavid]

Oh yes! My now 8 year old started telling me that when he was around 6. He's ok with it now, but I do still try and limit what I tell people about him. I tell my mom little stories about the kids all the time and now I don't as much, especially when he's around.

[quaz]

Honestly, I think this is why there is a fall off on some of the boards I've been on as people's kids get older.

I'm nearing the point with dd, of scaling back much of what I say that is specific to her.

As it is, she told me last fall, that she didn't want me writing notes to her teacher that mentioned her personal issues. This was over her being upset at bedtime about something the teacher had said.
DD does not want me sharing her feelings with her teacher, because they are her feelings.

Point... I will probably highly scale back what I say about her, when she turns 8.

Tammy

[One_Girl]

My dd doesn't like it when I tell stories about her to friends, but she doesn't know what is involved in this website. I don't typically tell stories about her that are horrible so I don't think she would mind if she knew. Many parents need outlets and support and the internet gives a nice anonymous one. I don't feel that I need to share what I talk about online with dd because this is where I go to feel like I am not alone in my parenting choices and I am not willing to change that any time soon.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

My dd doesn't like it when I tell stories about her to friends, but she doesn't know what is involved in this website. I don't typically tell stories about her that are horrible so I don't think she would mind if she knew. Many parents need outlets and support and the internet gives a nice anonymous one. I don't feel that I need to share what I talk about online with dd because this is where I go to feel like I am not alone in my parenting choices and I am not willing to change that any time soon.

[MusicianDad]

DD knows I mention her on the site. She also knows that there are things I won't mention without consulting her first and that she is able to ask that I remove something I have put up.

I do this because it is not just my life I'm talking about, but her's too and she has a say in what other people know about her. It's the same in real life. I check with her before I tell stories about her.

[Katie T]

My DD doesn't seem to care one way or the other if I talk about her on here but I usually don't.
When I have a cute story to tell I will ask her if I can tell so and so and she will say yeah or neah. I do like to have her over hear stories I tell about her to my mom for example where I have caught her being good so to speak, she always turns to look at me with a smile on her face like she is glad I noticed and proud of herself. If she sometime asked me to stop I of course would but right now she really enjoys it.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

My dd doesn't like it when I tell stories about her to friends, but she doesn't know what is involved in this website. I don't typically tell stories about her that are horrible so I don't think she would mind if she knew. Many parents need outlets and support and the internet gives a nice anonymous one. I don't feel that I need to share what I talk about online with dd because this is where I go to feel like I am not alone in my parenting choices and I am not willing to change that any time soon.

i am usually here during my free time. which is usually when dd is with me. and she is ON me while i write - she is ON me when we are home (with her mostly reading - but she defintely has one body part on me) so she will peer into the computer once in a while. she loves the smilies of course. but certain words and sentences catch her attention.

that's when she asked me if i was writing about her.

and she doesnt really want to me to talk much about her.

we had this talk again today where she said she trusted me that i wouldnt talk about 'secret stuff' or stuff she doesnt want others to know. mind you thought i dont talk about dd here. there has never been a thread related to her incident itself.

part of that is her independence. and i think this is her reflection of it - to have more control over her life.

however i do agree with her.

tammy interesting why some drop away. makes sense. i think i am coming to that point myself. and yup on the school thing. she actually has been talking to her teacher without me intervening when she was trying to get her dad and me to go together for a PTA late last year. didnt happen. we did our separate PTA.

but yeah with her i think its her independent spirit.

[zebra15]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

DD knows I mention her on the site. She also knows that there are things I won't mention without consulting her first and that she is able to ask that I remove something I have put up.

I do this because it is not just my life I'm talking about, but her's too and she has a say in what other people know about her. It's the same in real life. I check with her before I tell stories about her.

I agree

[journeymom]

This is interesting. I don't think my kids ever put it together that I talk about them here. Or, they don't care.

Originally Posted by One_Girl

My dd doesn't like it when I tell stories about her to friends, but she doesn't know what is involved in this website. I don't typically tell stories about her that are horrible so I don't think she would mind if she knew. Many parents need outlets and support and the internet gives a nice anonymous one. I don't feel that I need to share what I talk about online with dd because this is where I go to feel like I am not alone in my parenting choices and I am not willing to change that any time soon.

I'm anonymous on the web for the most part. I don't share our names.

I guess if my kids objected I would stop directly referencing them.

[Jessy1019]

My kid's the opposite . . . she likes it when I talk about her. Well, she might not like it if I was saying bad things, but just regular or funny stuff, she thinks it's cool.

I assume she gets that from me -- I don't hide things about myself from others, and there's not much of anything I won't talk about.

[Mrs.Burke]

They don't know I'm talking about them here . I'm sure they won't like it

[phathui5]

I guess my kids haven't noticed yet.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by journeymom

I'm anonymous on the web for the most part. I don't share our names.

I guess if my kids objected I would stop directly referencing them.

journeymom - its the principal of it. not that she can be identified.

its independence and power issues. why do i have the right to talk about her without her permission.

it makes sense because she is so struggling with 'you are not the boss of me'. why does she ALWAYS have to do what i say. why does she ALWAYS haveg to listen to daddy or mommy. poor baby. another round of maturity i guess.

why is my baby disappearing so fast?!!!!

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by meemee

journeymom - its the principal of it. not that she can be identified.

its independence and power issues. why do i have the right to talk about her without her permission.

it makes sense because she is so struggling with 'you are not the boss of me'. why does she ALWAYS have to do what i say. why does she ALWAYS haveg to listen to daddy or mommy. poor baby. another round of maturity i guess.

why is my baby disappearing so fast?!!!!

'Cause that's what babies do. They grow up, but if you play your cards right, she'll still be your 'baby' even when she's old an grey.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by meemee

its independence and power issues. why do i have the right to talk about her without her permission.

it makes sense because she is so struggling with 'you are not the boss of me'. why does she ALWAYS have to do what i say. why does she ALWAYS haveg to listen to daddy or mommy. poor baby. another round of maturity i guess.

Do you think she doesn't and won't talk about you to HER friends?

I mean if it is absolutely a two way street, I get that. But when I was a kid and particularly a pre-teen, I talked about the "stupid, annoying crap" my mom did ALL. THE. TIME. It was how I bonded with my friends comparing war stories of what our parents were doing, not just to us, but near us, around us...

I would be much more likely to honor a request from my son to not talk about him if I thought for even one second that he wasn't blabbing "my business" all over the place, and in his case those people actually know me and interact with me IRL.

I think I would treat this as a negotiation situation. You could agree to remove her name from all stories and siggies, even change your user details so her privacy is respected, but this is a theraputic website, and she has no right to censor what you say/type in group therapy. That is a fact she will have to get over, but you can help her by reminding her that the rule is the SAME for her...and she doesn't even have to protect your privacy, she can talk to her friends IRL ( and she probably will).

Agree to forums that are off limits for both of you, no Facebook or MySpace for example. Blogs should have privacy settings and change the names and location to protect eachother's privacy.

I get where she is coming from. My mom did stand up comedy (which I later learned was a process of therapy for her) when I was a kid living in New York City , and she not only told stories about me to her friends, but a packed room of drunk strangers, and would ask me to come along and sit in the audience and sometimes even point me out before telling a story. She has gone on to write numerous autobiographical books and currently does a live streaming radio show and you tube video blog, and every now and then stories of me and even my children make an appearance. I am the source of many hillarious and heartbreaking moments in her life and she needs to share that as a part of the process for her life.

An anonymous chat board? I would have been delighted!

I am only saying, we all need and deserve a space to vent, boast, and talk about other people in our lives, and share it with people who can relate. I think it is a lesson my kids are just going to have to learn...but they are more than welcome to do the same. In fact, I encourage it. It's healthy for the soul.

Babies do grow up and they need space to become their own people, but I do NOT believe that should happen at the expense of your right to being your own person. I would just use this as a moment to discuss your needs and her needs and make a compromise that works for everyone. Not being able to share my ups and downs here, with my friends or on my blog, would NOT be fair to me!

[choli]

That's why I have no sig, have never used my DDs's names, never posted pics, try not to post any identifying information and really have posted very little about my DDs.

[meemee]

everything i write is anonymous. no one has any idea of who we are.

i really do think she is right you know. its one thing to share MY thoughts and MY experiences (even in incognito) but do i have to share hers. does my venting have to include her. she is not limiting the right for me to be my own person. why does my ups and downs have to include another person - kwim? if it did why cant i just journal about it - which i do.

thank you for writing your point of view hakeber. its making me realise how much i do agree with my dd. how much i do see her point of view. i am sure one day it wont be an issue at all - but considering this is happening during one of her 'maturity growth spurts' where she is trying to discern things i can relate to what she is going through.

to me this really isnt a negotiation situation at all. if she said this when she was 25 yes it absolutely would be. not now. not when she is trying to figure out her individuality and i as her mom will have to give her the chance to try it and see how it goes.

and NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! she doesnt talk about me or her father to her friends. that's BORING stuff. why would she do that?!!!! esp. when she can throw a tantrum and say/yell that at my face

yes MD that's what i keep telling her and that mothers can claim the right to baby their children at any time without embarrasing them in public. i love how your dd still sometimes sits on your lap. that is sooo sweet.

[GoBecGo]

My reaction to this situation would be to remind my child how rude it is to read over someone's shoulder, especially when what they are reading is addressing an audience of which they are not an intended member.

My thoughts are my thoughts, and i will put them where i like and no-one gets to dictate to me where that is. If i found out anyone in this house was seeking out my posts to read them i would be affronted. That is basically reading my diary, since my thoughts on here are the closest i have to keeping one. Seriously, i'd be disgusted with a family member who did that to me, it is utterly abhorrent to me. I can remember once when i was in my early 20's my sister read the diary my father's psychologist had him keep (when he was going through a dx process for his aspergers) and then told my mother all the (horrible) things (about herself) she'd found in it, my mother phoned me and told me how appalling it all was, and for the first time in my LIFE i put the phone down on her. I was revolted that they'd done it, that they'd made me a part of it. I have never told my dad what they did and i hope he never finds out, he would be devastated. A person should be able to put their thoughts where they like. Ok, if you post it as part of a blog full of photo's, references to family by their full names and include your address in case anyone is interested, you cannot expect much privacy, but anonymously on a site like this!?

[One_Girl]

After reading your last two posts, I have to say that I think it is good that you are negotiating on this. It sounds like your needs some control so she can feel that she will be listened to without having to resort to tantrums and yelling. I remember the anger I felt as a child and how painful it was to have the anger come out as yelling and hate. Having to always listen to someone else and do things someone else's way isn't something that fosters a loving relationship between kids and their parents. Negotiation and allowing children to have a lot of say in their lives is very important because they are capable of making good decisions too. While this issue one of the few issues that I am going to negotiate on yet (or even tell dd about), I think that it is good that you realize that it isn't one that you need to stay firm on.