Anyone with biological child(ren) and have adopted

[shellnurse]

Brand new to this group. Considering giving up after 32 cycles of trying to conceive our second child.

We would very much like to build our family and my question is this; what is it like to adopt after having a biological child? My daughter is 4 and if the situation warranted it, I would steal, kill or die for her. I'm fiercely bonded to her and truly believe she is the most remarkable, cutest, most brilliant child on earth.

If I were to adopt a child, would I feel this same way? Immediately? After some time? I worry so much that I wouldn't feel the same way and can imagine it wouldn't be the healthiest environment for a child to grow up in.(So that's my first question-for those who have biological and adoptive children-what is your experience?)

I have a steady job with pretty good pay and benefits. We own a home and DH is a stay at home Dad. DH has a history of rehab and is in recovering now. The only concern he has is about adopting a child exposed to drugs in-utero. We are fine with international, domestic adoption and would be open to adopting a child closer to our daughter's age, but would be happy with an infant as well.

We're so new to this, any suggestions for where to start would be super helpful. Thanks!

[annethcz]

I have 3 bio kids and 1 adopted child. I will admit that my bond with my adopted child was not immediate- it did take some time (over a year) to develop. That had a lot to do with a whole host of factors, including DS's age (5) at the time of placement and our lack of ability to communicate well (he didn't speak English when he joined our family). But after a bumpy start, he's just another one of my kids. They're all different, have different strengths and weaknesses, but I love them all.

There are so many ways to go about adoption, and the process with vary. Are you interested in private adoption? Domestic? International? The process will be different with each of these things. I'd suggest picking up a couple of books from the library about adoption, or perusing different adoption websites to get a good overview of the different options and the process involved with each.

Regardless of how you intend to proceed, you should be aware that your history of infertility and your DH's rehab will be an issue. And by that, I don't mean that those subjects will necessarily prevent you from adopting. But your social worker will want to discuss those subjects with you and make sure that those issues have been resolved before you begin the adoption process. If your DH has a criminal record related to the rehab, it may disqualify you from some international adoption programs.

[RedOakMomma]

We had three bio kids before adopting dd. Whether or not you'll bond immediately really depends on a lot, most of which seems to be out of your control. Some people do bond immediately, some people don't. ...But don't let that scare you. What's important is that over time, you DO bond.

Dd came home (international adoption, Korea) and had a pretty rough adjustment...she was almost 10 months, mourning the loss of her (very loved) foster family, adjusting to a new language, culture, family...she had a rough time for a few months. It's not the norm (I'd say), but it's pretty common for that to happen. Adoption is stressful for children...even newborns, and it takes some time to adjust.

I would say that we did not bond immediately. In fact, at first we had a very antagonistic-feeling relationship. We were sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, and just not in a good place. Not the happiest time to remember.

The thing is, with each month we could feel things getting better. Slowly. With some weeks being great and other weeks feeling like we'd slid backwards a little. It will be 2 years this June and I feel like we're still in the process of things getting better (her being a crazy-stubborn toddler doesn't help ). The first six months were the most challenging. After a year we said "oh good. this is working. this is what we hoped it might be." and now we're just continuing the process of falling in love.

It IS different, at least for us. I wasn't prepared for just how different it is compared to the attachment process with our bio kids. And to be honest, a lot of people don't talk about this....as if it's something to feel bad about. It is NOT something to feel bad about. It's just a different way of falling in love, and there is nothing wrong with it taking some time.

When you move forward in the adoption process, hopefully you will choose and agency or program that has a good educational program. There is a lot of great information out there about adoption, attachment, adoption after infertility, etc. It's worth it to read, read, read, and read some more.
We also really appreciated the classes offered by a local non-profit adoption resource center...our state requires a certain number of hours of classes, and the classes we took there were very informative on these subjects.

Good luck, and welcome!

[excitedtobeamom]

We are in process and we have two biological children. My husband had the same concerns that you have. He had to really work through them and we discussed a lot of things. Actually talking with his friends helped him a lot. Take your time and really research and read.

[sesa70]

As ROM said, everyone's experiences are so different!

That being said, bonding for me with my dd (came home at 3 days old) was seamless. I actually had an easier time bonding with her than i did my bio dd (who was a very difficult baby). Now she is 4.5 and I just couldn't imagine my life without her, as you said about your dd I would do anything for her and feel she is practically perfect in every way.

I do not find the mother child bond to be any stronger with my bio dd. My children are so very different, and each unique and amazing. I love each of them for who they are and IME the way that they came into our family (one by birth one by adoption) has no relevance to my love or our relationship or our bond.

[JunipersMom]

My daughter (adopted from Guatemala) was three when my bio son was born. I bonded with her immediately and was very worried I wouldnt love my bio child - because my children were supposed to be brown skinned, dark hair and eyes.. this babe would be pale.. I was terrified. I loved my pale skinned red head from the moment I saw him - same as seeing my daughters picture for the first time.. actually when I first saw her I thought they made a mistake because I had told myself over and over that I would love her no matter what - and she was sooo beautiful and perfect and I felt an instant connection - I thought something must be wrong..
I work in birth and its a common fear for parents to think that they just wont feel the same about second children after the intense feelings they have with their first - it just seems inconceivable to have room in your heart for more
you will have room

[Whistler]

I have two bios and one adopted. We're in process for another adoption.

I have bonded differently with each. My first (bio) was the hardest. But I have a good bond with each and I feel just as fierce about protecting each.

I second what PP said about the infertility and the rehab. You'll definitely want to discuss those with the SW when you do your homestudy. For us, some of the issues were my health problems and some other issues. Definitely don't let them discourage you, just be aware that they will be discussed in detail.

Adoption is definitely different than bio kids, especially an open adoption like we have. I am okay with it though and I love my adopted son so much and I am so glad he is a part of our family!

[mamarhu]

My bond with FD, soon to be adopted, was near-instant, even though she was 6 years old, and has every behavioral problem you will ever hear of. My bond with her is exactly like that with my 3 bios. Her younger brother came later, also at 6 YO, and my bond with him is not the same. In many ways, he is the "easier" child, but he has been here a year, and I don't feel that fierce, protective love that I feel for my grown, teen, or now 9 YO kids. I am proud of him, he is doing really well, he is funny, cute and charming, I like to be around him, and I love him, but I don't honestly think I would be quite so devastated if he were to leave. I fully intend to adopt him, and my treatment of him is no different than the others. But I wanted to point out that it is possible to raise kids without the overwhelming love feelings. I don't believe he will ever know.

[see mama run]

My husband & I have four biological children between us (2 for me & 2 for him) and we adopted two children in the last three years. Our bond to our adopted children is just as strong as to our biological and in my dh's case I would say even stronger (because his bio children did not live w/him F/T?). I feel absolutely the same fierce protectiveness and undying love for all four of my children regardless of how they came to me. My adopted babies were 12 days & 3.5 mos when they arrived and I felt instantly in love w/them but it was shocking to have a baby "handed" to me me rather than birthed from me. It was almost instant feeling. I was in a kind of dazy shock the first time and I kept looking at her sleep thinking "WOW this is my daughter". It was and still is the most amazing experience of my life and I am soooooo grateful!

[tiffani]

and Rhu, a stronger feeling for your son will likely grow in time, as you come to appreciate who he is as you get to know him better as he grows up.

my son, who is more difficult than my daughter, elicits stronger feelings in me on both ends of the spectrum. my dd and I have a very easy, relaxed relationship, whereas my son keeps me on my toes a bit more, and he's way more UP!!! and DOWN!!! and it's just a more crazy love altogether, and I do feel it more strongly, I think in large part because HE feels it more strongly -- he is more emotional, like his dad's side of the family, whereas my dd is even-tempered like me. she and I are boring I guess.

[heatherdeg]

My dh & I had the same concerns. So much so we decided to do foster care just to see IF we could bond with a non-bio child. The third child through our house put that issue to bed.

About 18mo later, our daughter was placed with us at 12 days old. She is now 18mo and although I have no idea when it happened, she is every bit as much mine as my bio son. I think it happened early on, though. I remember feeling very different about her than our foster children--likely because she was an adoptive placement vs. a foster placement. I knew she was ours.

So we have bonded like that with one that went home (and that was the goal when she came to us--so we knew it was coming) and one that stayed. I can't imagine not fighting for her every bit as much as I'd fight for him... with my life. They are equally my children--and it still kind of surprises me to this day that I feel that way about her. But I'm really glad about it.

Btw, my son was 2mo shy of turning 5yo when she came to us and they love each other immensely.

[sbrinton]

I think there are more families who have both biological and adopted children than the media would make you think. It seems like adoption stories always focus on the infertile couple who eventually adopted. And some adoption agencies as well as birth parents do seem to favor infertile or childless couples, especially for infant adoption. But as you can see on this forum, and from the people I know it real life, it's actually very common.

We have three biological sons ages 18 mo, 3 and 5.5 and we're about to start the process of adopting from Rwanda. We hope to adopt 1 or 2 girls. I don't know exactly what it will be like to finally meet this little girl, but I feel like she has been growing in my heart for a long time. I feel like God has made the space in my heart for me to love another child.

I remember having a similar fear when I was pregnant with my 2nd or 3rd boys, would I be able to love them as much as the children who were already born. With our third it was especially difficult as my pregnancy was terrible and I couldn't care for our older boys for about 5 months. I felt almost resentful to our little one. When he was born at 31 weeks, he spent about a month in the hospital. I wasn't able to hold or breastfeed him right away. When I left the hospital after months of bedrest without my baby, I felt like it wasn't even real. So it was a rocky start. We began to bond, but it has honestly been hard until very recently. I've just recently relaxed and been able to love him without worrying whether he's breathing. But I do love him so much and feel so totally bonded to him.

As we move towards adoption, I'm excited about what it means for our older boys. They are so excited to adopt and talk about adopting their own children someday when they grow up. I think adoption is a great thing and I'm looking forward to it being part of our story.

[Leatherette]

I knew what it was like to love children I had not given birth to - I was a teacher for kids with emotional issues who had been abused and were in foster care before I had my son or adopted my daughter. I love both of my kids tremendously, and did not doubt I would. There are hard times with both of them, great moments where you realize you didn't think you could love so much with both of them.

The only difference is that our bio son does not surprise us like our adopted daughter. She definitely has a lot of little biological mysteries that come from her birth family - but that just makes life interesting.

[jdsmom72]

Shellnurse: I had 2 bio children when I adopted. My boys were 17 & 11. I adopted my daughter from Guat in 2006. For me my bond with my daughter was/is stronger than my bond with my boys in that I feel a much stronger sense of responsibility to her emotional well being and much more in tune to her in general. My adoption process was such an amazing experience and required much more thought and planning than either one of my pregnancies. I was also able to go alone to guat to live with my daughter during the last several months of our process.
Don't get me wrong, I adore my boys but I don't feel any less amount of attachment or love with my daughter because she was adopted. I think she is the most beautiful, amazing child in the world! IMHO- after going through the adoption process and knowing how I feel about my daughter I wish everyone could be lucky enough to go through the adoption process! Good luck to you!

[mamagi]

When I was brining my first biological child home from the birthing center at the hospital, I kept thinking how surreal the whole situation was. I kind of couldn't believe I could just bring this baby home with me!
Five years later when I was brining my first adopted child home from the hospital, I had the same exact sensation.
Maybe it was because he was a baby, but as soon as he was with me, he was mine. I still woke overnight to the tiniest sounds he made, I still felt immediately like I knew what was best for him.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by mamagi

When I was brining my first biological child home from the birthing center at the hospital, I kept thinking how surreal the whole situation was. I kind of couldn't believe I could just bring this baby home with me!
Five years later when I was brining my first adopted child home from the hospital, I had the same exact sensation.
Maybe it was because he was a baby, but as soon as he was with me, he was mine. I still woke overnight to the tiniest sounds he made, I still felt immediately like I knew what was best for him.

That was pretty much my experience too...after i gave birth to my son, everyone left (it was a homebirth) and i was left all alone with this whole new person...so surreal. I couldnt quite believe that you could just HAVE a baby like that. It actually took me a little while (days i guess?) to really feel that all encompassing "i would die for you" type of love. With my adopted son, it was very similar. (he was placed at almost three weeks old.) With my foster (hope to adopt soon) son, he was a toddler, and it felt more like someone ELSE'S child just got dumped in my lap, this little person i didnt know at all, who didnt seem particularly happy to be there. I took me a good long while, months probably to start feeling like he was mine...even things like letting him share my spoon or even diapering him felt weird because, well, we didnt know each other. We were strangers. But gradually that went away...its not gone entirely and i cant say honestly i feel "EXACTLY" the same as with my adopted (and bio) son, but we are getting there. Having the TPR go through and visits stopped helped alot, because i wasnt being reminded that i'm "not the mama"...and i imagine, if the adoption goes through (currently its contested) that before long i will feel just as bonded.

[Sierra]

I think it is a misnomer that fierce, immediate bonding is inevitable just because a child is biologically related to you. Every parent-child relationship is different. Your relationship with your second child is going to be different than the one you have to your first child. Yes, there are elements of adoption that can complicate the experience of bonding, and I don't mean to under estimate or diminish the nuanced experience of adoption by all triad members. But I just mean to say that I think you are assuming a lot in thinking that you would have the same type of bond with your second child as you would with your first if you only gave birth.

[heythere heather]

I also had very different bonding experiences with my first (bio) and my second (bio). Both are boys, too. My first was immediate and intense. My second... I was happy, but I was so glad that my DH bonded immediately, because the intense bonding was not immediate. It was several weeks before it even started, and months before it felt as intense. Sure, I loved him. I nursed him, cared for him. I just did not feel the same way.

So, whether a child enters the family via adoption or biological birth, there are variances into how bonding occurs. I admit that I was kind of worried about bonding when we started foster care. I had realized that how I felt about other people's kids in general was different than how I felt about mine. But it wasn't worth the worry. I bonded just fine, and I love my DD. she is amazing!