I hate nursing my son- help!

[Luvmy2Joshs]

I have a wonderful 3 year old son who is still nursing. I breastfed him all though my second pregnancy and am currently tandem nursing with his 1 year old brother. I have hated nursing him, pretty much since the second I got pregnant... but I held on, thinking "once the baby is born it won't be like this anymore". Nursing through a pregnancy was terrible, i had such an awful nursing aversion I would get these uncontrollable leg shakes and want to scream for him to get off of me (not painful, just an aversion to nursing). While it's not that bad anymore, I hate nursing him... I don't look forward to it, I almost always try to distract him from it, and most of the time I make him stop early. Sometimes he is so hurt he cries, and this is definitely not the emotional response I had planned on nursing evoking from my son when I set out on this extended bf journey. I still don't want to wean him but I don't know what to do about this nursing aversion. But right now, it's not working... my small attempts to get him to wean have not worked. He's so attached to breastfeeding that when he's in the mood for mommy milk, he would give up anything in the world to nurse. And this makes me feel pretty awful because I just wish that I had a more positive nursing relationship with him. And it's not like this with the baby, only him. I'm thinking of contacting a lactation consultant... but they probably don't have experience with this, so I decided to come on here and see if anyone knows how to get over a nursing aversion. Thanks!

[PGTlatte]

Hi,

I don't have any advice really - but have you read Adventures in Tandem Nursing ? I believe I remember that in the book, there were accounts of mothers having these feelings, and some choosing not to tandem, and it was all very supportive...you may find some comfort in reading it. I remember reading it when I was pregnant, and coming away with the feeling that is was really okay to make my decisions as I went along, and that any feelings I had about tandem nursing were normal and fine.

[TzippityDoulah]

first off, what you're feeling is normal! don't be so hard on yourself - you are only human. I think you're being such a fabulous mama by having nursed him through the entire pregnancy even though you hated it! sometime we all do things we loathe b/c we know they are the right thing to do. and you should feel proud of yourself for doing that.

3 is an iffy age with breastfeeding. everyone views it differently. everyone has different associations with it. BUt everyone I've ever known to BF that long has had times of feeling overwhelmed or even resentful of it. face it - nursing a 3 yr old is more work in a lot of ways than a newborn. I mean sure the newborn is more in need of nursing more often - but a 3 yr old is testing boundaries, trying new things, and many are also rougher with their nursing. it's just not the same as cuddling a little thing in your lap quietly. it can be beautiful, but it can also be trying.

I think you need to sit down and decide if these feelings are so deep you need to wean, or if they are something you think you can truly tolerate. that's only something YOU can decide.

another idea is to decide WHEN you will quit. work up to it. take nursing away a little at a time making it a long term goal. maybe on his 3.5 yr birthday he wil get a a bye bye nursing party? honoring him as he grows into the next stage and give him something to look fwd to instead of something to think about losing.

when you wean a kid there is rarely an easy way out. kids can tell when we're anxious. and if you're unsure or unsettled he will be too. if you keep positive even when he's worrying it will send him confident vibes. weaning shouldn't have a negative experience full of regret and worry, it should be the beginning of a new phase.

[Luvmy2Joshs]

Thanks for replying, it made me feel much better. It's so hard to talk to people about having anursing aversion because nobody understands WHY I still nurse my 3 year old... and nobody could understand why I would continue nursing him if I don't enjoy it. The past few days I've been trying to stay positive about nursing him, I agree it's nowhere near as relaxing as nursing a newborn... but he does have his sweet, cuddly moments. I introduced him to the idea of a weaning party and told him that when he is ready to stop nursing we will have a big no more milk party for him. I want him to start to see that the end of nursing is a celebration, not a punishment. At this point though I really think I'm going to have to wait for his cues that he is getting ready to wean, because with his brother still nursing it would be absolutely crushing for me to force him to stop nursing but see his brother nursing every day.

[Mama2Kayla]

I know all too well that awful feeling of nursing aversion. I had it during my pregnancy with ds. My dd ended up weaning so it didn't last very long, but it sucked those first few months.

Honestly, it you are tired of nursing, I would consider weaning. Your son is 3 and going through a gentle weaning process will bring him no harm. Breastfeeding is a relationship and mama's feelings count too. Don't be too hard on yourself!

[Luvmy2Joshs]

I just don't know how to wean my older one while still nursing my younger one. Has anyone successfully done that before?

[PGTlatte]

Our DS1 weaned at just four, while his brother was 1.5 and still nursing frequently. I started setting limits on nursing during the pregnancy when he was two, so the whole thing was very gradual. I have not led a child through weaning over a short time though.

DH helped me with night weaning when I was pregnant because I did not want to nurse two at night. When DS2 was born I set up a routine of only certain points in the day when DS1 could nurse, and then I set limits on the amount of time by counting. As he got older he started to forget and skip some of his sessions. They became less and less important to him. It went down to nursing maybe twice in an entire week, and then one day just seemed like a silly game to him and he weaned.

Originally Posted by Luvmy2Joshs

I just don't know how to wean my older one while still nursing my younger one. Has anyone successfully done that before?

[ktgrok]

I like someone else's idea to set limits. Setting limits can keep the nursing relationship going with both parties happier. Decide when you will nurse him, and stick to those times. OR...decide he can nurse whenever he wants, but only for 1 minute, or only as long as it takes to sing the ABC song 3 times, or whatever. That is what I did with my son at that age, and it worked really well. He nursed another 6 months, and gradually weaned. Oh, and we talked alot about how someday he wont need mama milk anymore, he will be so big, and he will get a really cool present and celebration.

[sahmmie]

Maybe try offering some "big boy" incentives to help him decide to wean. Something like, "Big boys who are done nursing get to stop napping." Or, "When you're ready to stop nursing, you'll be big enough to go to little league/swimming/pre-school/play group or whatever may interest him)." Plant some seeds in his mind about some possible incentives, but don't pressure him. He'll sense that. He'll be more likely to want to wean if he sees it as a "big boy" accomplishment that sets him apart from his baby brother.

[thelocknestmother]

I am currently tandem nursing, just started 2 weeks ago and I could have written most of your post. So hugs to you from a momma in the same spot. No advice though, just companionship in this situation. I did read this and find it somewhat helpful, maybe you will, too:

http://www.llli.org/NB/NBMayJun03p86.html

My only trouble is we Unconditionally Parent and I need to figure out how to do limits in an UP way...but that is a whole different thread...

[thelocknestmother]

Ooops forgot to sub...

[*MamaJen*]

I don't have any actual solutions for you, but I just want to say that I have heard a TON of stories of nursing aversion on these pages. You're definitely not the only one. I think it's a fairly common feeling with nursing toddlers. I wonder if it's not an evolutionary thing, trying to get women to wean in order to kickstart their fertility and make another baby? You even see it in animals. Like, a mother cat will start getting irritable with her nursing kittens as they get close to weaning age.
DS is almost 2.5, and I still really enjoy nursing him, but I've gotten a few flashing of the nursing aversion. I think if I was feeling it constantly, I would be looking at ways to wean. I think the idea of a weaning party is a nice idea.
As far as getting over the nursing aversion, the only thing I can think of it that I've felt flashes of it when I'm tired or already irritated. So maybe trying to reduce your overall stress could help?
Also, the alternative to weaning is setting limits -- nursing no more than x number of times per day, nursing for as long as it takes to sing the ABC song, that kind of thing. I think it's perfectly fine to set nursing limits with an older child. It shows them how to respect other people's bodies.

[Kivgaen]

The best way is to do as others have said and set limits for time of nursing.

Maybe next time he wants to nurse, let him nurse for 10 seconds. Count to 10 (really slowly, if you want, or normal speed... whatever). And then at 10 say "no more nurse" (or whatever you call it). and take him off.

He will probably cry, fuss and complain, but if you assure him that it will be alright, and that you are going to be doing something else now, he will get used to the counting. It really worked with me and my son.

You should still be able to distract a three year old very well. Maybe you could substitue something that he likes for nursing when the 10 seconds is up. Maybe get out some messy finger paints, or go outside and play in a mud puddle, or whatever.

The key is for you to stay firm, and stay calm. If you are calm, it will help him to be as well. Just keep saying "it will be alright. We're just doing something else now".

HTH!